Should I reach out to my friend

[lemonicetea]

I have this friend “Kelly” (name changed). We get along pretty well but I wouldn’t say she’s a super close friend. We used to work together several years ago, but then she moved to another school. About a year later, I coincidentally saw her on Bumble BFF and decided to meet for coffee. About once every few months we would do something like see a movie or get lunch. 

I started texted her again in October and she suggested that maybe I should come to her place and do a craft day. I said I thought that would be fun and we should plan for that. A few days after we were texting I became sick and was coughing for nearly a month. Because of this, I didn’t reach out to her (but I totally would have responded if she were to message me).

In the meantime I was thinking that maybe I should try to make a stronger friendship with her. Like I said we get along great but it’s not like we hang out a ton. I figured she she was a single woman without kids, just like me, I was hoping I could get a friendship that feels like a life companion (I’m not saying that we will be dating). 
 

Before Thanksgiving, I ended up working as a sub teacher at Kelly’s school. I ran into her and she announced that she learned that she is pregnant and that’s why there was no fallow up after proposing a craft day. I congratulated her and said I had been sick so that’s why 
 

Anyways, I don’t know if I should reach out to Kelly asking her if she wants to do a craft day (or see a movie, etc). Im still going to see Kelly as a friend but it’s obviously not going to be the kind of friendship I was hoping for. I told the story to another friend of mine (who doesn’t know Kelly) and she said I should just wait for Kelly to reach out to me because Kelly has different priorities now. 

[Acacia98]

I honestly don't understand why both you and Kelly are making such a big deal about reaching out to each other. What's the worst that could happen? You reach out and she's unable to meet? Isn't that something you can live with?

[ShyViolet]

I think you're really overthinking this.  If you want to try to form a closer friendship with her then go ahead and reach out.  There's nothing in your post that gives a reason not to.

And if she doesn't reciprocate or doesn't seem interested, then oh well.  Let it go but at least you tried.

[flitzanu]

the fact you keep reitierating that it isn't "about dating" makes it sound like you want to date her.

[Els]

18 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

it’s obviously not going to be the kind of friendship I was hoping for.

Then... don't?

Friendships can be fluid. They can come and go, or disappear for periods of time and come back, etc. Anyway, you have no real bond or history of close friendship with Kelly, and you don't seem to be interested in meeting up with her, so I'm not sure why you're even considering this. Just look for friends elsewhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

I was hoping I could get a friendship that feels like a life companion (I’m not saying that we will be dating). 

This is a rather odd disclaimer if you are genuinely only seeking friendship. 

Do you think you might have a stronger interest in her than just being friends? 

[lemonicetea]

Sorry, I’ve just been really lonely lately. I’m just overthinking the situation. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/6/2025 at 12:20 AM, lemonicetea said:

Sorry, I’ve just been really lonely lately. 

Yes, I can understand that. So you don't have any deeper interest in this woman?

[Els]

On 12/6/2025 at 4:59 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I was hoping I could get a friendship that feels like a life companion

I just noticed this part of your post. IMO this is not a realistic expectation of friendship. Yes, there are a few friendships that truly are like life companionships (essentially marriages without sex), but I'd say that 99.9999% of them are not. 

The only times I've seen this happen were in people who lived in the same place all their lives, and they met this friend in school when they were both children, and both people never left the town that they were born in. Basically, very uncommon in modern society. If you haven't already made a friend like that, I think odds are that you never will.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because I don't think that that's what friends are meant to be. It's kind of like merging the expectations that are usually reserved for a spouse, into friendship (which is usually more casual).

[lemonicetea]

6 hours ago, Els said:

I just noticed this part of your post. IMO this is not a realistic expectation of friendship. Yes, there are a few friendships that truly are like life companionships (essentially marriages without sex), but I'd say that 99.9999% of them are not. 

The only times I've seen this happen were in people who lived in the same place all their lives, and they met this friend in school when they were both children, and both people never left the town that they were born in. Basically, very uncommon in modern society. If you haven't already made a friend like that, I think odds are that you never will.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing, because I don't think that that's what friends are meant to be. It's kind of like merging the expectations that are usually reserved for a spouse, into friendship (which is usually more casual).

I understand what you are saying. I just really long for companionship but I feel like dating is just not for me. I think I am what you call a demisexual. Several times throughout my life I had developed romantic feelings for various male friends I had, but it typically didn’t go anywhere since they only saw me as friends.
 

When I try dating apps, things just never work out. I was on Hinge for a year, and I only had two productive conversations that led to a guy asking me out. The first guy was nice and I wouldn’t mind having him around as a friend but he had autism and seemingly lacked the social awareness to understand boundaries, so he thought we were an official couple after one trip to Starbucks, and was quite frankly kind of annoying (no offense to people on the spectrum). I took it as a major red flag when it got dejected to the point where he almost started crying when he found out I hadn’t told my parents about him, like three or four days after our first date. 
 

The other guy was married (although in an open marriage, supposedly) and completely bed ridden due to a car accident. I’m very sorry he was in an accident but I thought it was too big of a disability for me to work with. I was also kind of worried that he was just looking for a sucker to take care of him (he was living with his dad since the accident, while his wife and kids lived at their home). I just could not bring myself to say yes to his offer of dinner and a movie at his place. 
 

Again I understand that if you are on a dating app you are going to run into some stinkers. But again I was on there for a year, not just a month or two, a year. And in that year I only appealed to two guys who both had some very serious problems. And I was on the app everyday, messaging multiple people a day, so it’s not like I didn’t put in any effort. It’s not just like they weren’t my type or I don’t see it going anywhere, they had serious issues to them. I took that as a sign from the universe that until I can figure out what I’m doing wrong I shouldn’t try dating. 

Edited 9 hours ago by lemonicetea