Idk anymore anyone else expiernce this

[Anonymous]

I’m genuinely confused if there is something off about me or the universe just hates me not sure which one .. look I appreciate ppl saying yes to plans I would make but sometimes I feel or wonder like were theyy  just going along with me and I was just pleasant enough to not say no. Idk if it’s in my head but  in 99.9 % of friendships in my two decades of living their efforts didn’t contradict my belief much. It was hard to believe when sometimes being referred to as a friend or close friend  cause of not making plans or txting it all and always fell on me. Cause it would end up feeling like I didn’t have anyone at the end of the day because unless I went out of my way it was silent I felt like someone chasing something.

like in person we be vibing .. why do I get in friendships where only I communicate, make plans it would always start out that way and end that way I’m not sure if it’s my personality cause ppl are okay to hangout but just never think of me or want me outside of that..? Like I don’t understand ik this wouldn’t bother someone else but for me  it isn’t my version of desired friendship or what I expect. Like why can everyone else manage to have a Bare minimum friendship mine would almost act like I didn’t exist  if I wasn’t there psychically I don’t wanna feel bogged down but it makes me feel like I am not enough that my personality needs to be stronger and I want to run an experiment and act different and see if it gets me friends but then I wouldn’t want that cause then I wouldn’t  have friends who like me I feel like I  get up and try again through my stages of life but fail I feel like I’m part of a small percentile

friends I had  were nice but I just djdnt see any genuine care come out or like the movie type of friendship that I always longed for  like someone that Ik deeply cares about me  just randomly is like wanna go shopping or I saw this and thought h would like it  some of the friends I had were  not as loud but then others were so it’s hard to tell what I’m doing wrong or if I’m picking the wrong ppl over and over again and it has to do with thier personality but then idk if they just met someone they wanted dk what it is but I hate it and I just want to be able to live true friendship in my life just one time like a hey wanna grab coffee it’s been long I miss u it’s also like they were always ok to just live without me. Like I want friends who want me not like someone to do an activity with either I don’t want the activity to be the reason or motivation like am I not enough to want?