Impending Divorce

[Anonymous]

Seeking advice, I’m in a 1 year long distance relationship with someone I feel safe with & has been the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Downside, his children live out of state he lives in my home state, but I have concerns his impending divorce has not begun. He says it’s a process & that his ex is not budging on certain requests to keep a civilized divorce, and will have to go through attorneys. I’m getting impatient waiting, because I want to take the next step but won’t until he starts the process. Next steps for me are h attending family gatherings, meeting my children. But without him doing his part I’m not ready. I’m not even sure how much longer I want to wait. I was ok waiting initially but now that we’ve been together longer, I’m ready for what led to come. I’ve let his family.

 

just not sure where to go from here. Any advice is welcome. 

[MsJayne]

How long has he been separated from his ex? How old are his children? Being as you've met his family I'm going to assume all is above-board and he's not secretly wanting to get back together with his ex and stalling the divorce because of that, but there's a big difference between maintaining civility and kissing the ex partner's butt. One year is a good point in a relationship to assess how it's going. You need to tell him you're not interested in dating someone else's husband and you also need to be prepared to exit the relationship immediately if he starts making excuses. Often when people butt-kiss an ex it's because they're afraid of how any hostility will affect their relationship with their children, and if that's his real reason then I would cut my losses and get out, especially if the "children" are adults. 

[Anonymous]

21 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

How long has he been separated from his ex? How old are his children? Being as you've met his family I'm going to assume all is above-board and he's not secretly wanting to get back together with his ex and stalling the divorce because of that, but there's a big difference between maintaining civility and kissing the ex partner's butt. One year is a good point in a relationship to assess how it's going. You need to tell him you're not interested in dating someone else's husband and you also need to be prepared to exit the relationship immediately if he starts making excuses. Often when people butt-kiss an ex it's because they're afraid of how any hostility will affect their relationship with their children, and if that's his real reason then I would cut my losses and get out, especially if the "children" are adults. 

The children are between 5 & 16

so I support a healthy co-parenting atmosphere. They’ve been separated 2 years. Everything he’s said he is going to do regarding us & their children has gone accordingly. I’ve been divorced myself & it went extremely fast so I guess I’m just comparing my own & afraid I’m wasting my time. But his intentions are to sell his home to move closer to me as well as work on the divorce. He knows how much it bothers me. Especially because I value marriage. 

[MsJayne]

2 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

The children are between 5 & 16

so I support a healthy co-parenting atmosphere. They’ve been separated 2 years. Everything he’s said he is going to do regarding us & their children has gone accordingly. I’ve been divorced myself & it went extremely fast so I guess I’m just comparing my own & afraid I’m wasting my time. But his intentions are to sell his home to move closer to me as well as work on the divorce. He knows how much it bothers me. Especially because I value marriage. 

OK, so some of them are small kids, obviously their well-being and adjustment to the new family situation is more important than the adults. I think you do just have to be patient if it's a relationship you really want, but, as you want marriage, I would want to be sure that this was eventually leading to that, because it would be awful if you just found yourself drifting along in the relationship waiting, waiting, waiting. 

[Anonymous]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

OK, so some of them are small kids, obviously their well-being and adjustment to the new family situation is more important than the adults. I think you do just have to be patient if it's a relationship you really want, but, as you want marriage, I would want to be sure that this was eventually leading to that, because it would be awful if you just found yourself drifting along in the relationship waiting, waiting, waiting. 

You’re the second person to share the same sentiment. I’m always on some timeline & feel like that’s what led to the last relationship issues. I was on some timeline to rush the relationship & what came next. I appreciate your thoughts. Definitely eases my mind. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Anonymous said:

will have to go through attorneys

What is the reason he hasn't done this yet? 

[S2B]

Have you check in his county court records online to see when the divorce was filed? I would!  It’s possible it hasn’t even been filed yet.

and some men let it go on for years and years because it’s a good excuse to have a gal while married and she doesn’t expect him to marry due to not yet being divorced.

its also possible he would hurry it along if you ended it knowing you are technically seeing a married man.

if you haven’t seen the divorce papers - you don’t really know that he is actually divorcing her.

and it’s good your kids haven’t met him yet. Wait until he’s divorced.

[Anonymous]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

Have you check in his county court records online to see when the divorce was filed? I would!  It’s possible it hasn’t even been filed yet.

and some men let it go on for years and years because it’s a good excuse to have a gal while married and she doesn’t expect him to marry due to not yet being divorced.

its also possible he would hurry it along if you ended it knowing you are technically seeing a married man.

if you haven’t seen the divorce papers - you don’t really know that he is actually divorcing her.

and it’s good your kids haven’t met him yet. Wait until he’s divorced.

Initially she was looking for a home in her home state before we dated. She moved up there w family & left kids until she could find one. He wanted to wait until kids were settled, they’ve lived in new home for 3 months now so I did mention there’s no excuse to not continue with it. He agreed and said it is his next step. We take turns staying with one another & I looked up the new home it is in her name only. Giving me some reassurance & he visited recently & sent me hotel he stayed at with kids so I could feel less uncomfortable about him visiting without me. 
 

the trust is there for me, just impatient at this point. We all have timelines & society’s views, so I’m definitely torn. In same breath I have a coworker who mentioned she wasn’t legally divorced because she just didn’t make the time, so of course I get concerned I could fall in that category. 

[S2B]

So are you saying the divorce isn’t even filed yet? 
 

[flitzanu]

On 12/3/2025 at 1:27 AM, S2B said:

Have you check in his county court records online to see when the divorce was filed? I would!  It’s possible it hasn’t even been filed yet.

and some men let it go on for years and years because it’s a good excuse to have a gal while married and she doesn’t expect him to marry due to not yet being divorced.

its also possible he would hurry it along if you ended it knowing you are technically seeing a married man.

if you haven’t seen the divorce papers - you don’t really know that he is actually divorcing her.

and it’s good your kids haven’t met him yet. Wait until he’s divorced.

this.

many states have public court records available to see exactly what is happening, documents filed, etc, and so you can go review the divorce decree yourself.

[S2B]

Why the long other story when I asked if he filed for divorce yet? 
also a non answer to whether or not you looked for the divorce online through county records?

There is no “impending divorce” if it hasn’t been filed. it looks like you are building a life with a married man.

Edited 15 hours ago by S2B