Lol ok I had a first

[Sony12]

Was talking to a lady twenty years older than me over Facebook dating app over the course of the day. We talked on the phone earlier in the day but had never met yet.

At 10:00 at night I got another call from her and she asked me if I wanted to come over. Since calling someone up that you haven't met yet that late and asking them to come over is really strange I asked her if she was wanting to have sex with me tonight. She said no I don't do that.

I told her that most of the time when women call me up this late asking me to come over that is what they want. 

She tried to turn it around on me and say I think that's what you want. 

At that point I ended the call and promptly unmatched each other.

I get that a lady isn't wanting sex every time she invites a guy over but it's really odd that she would ask me to come over that late if that isn't what she was looking for. Especially a guy she hadn't met as of yet.

And who knows she very possibly was looking for sex but just didn't want to admit it but I don't want to take time getting ready that late at night only for it to be an innocent high how are you face to face meeting. 

Anyways that was something new for me to be called up that late by a lady I hadn't met yet asking me to come over.

I'm sure it wasn't a situation where it would have turned into an unsafe situation for me or else she would have said yes I do want to have sex.

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

I think that is what she wanted, but then she backtracked based on your response because she could tell you weren't into it and thought it was strange.

[Sony12]

Probably so. I've gone over to women's places before without meeting them properly in person beforehand so it's not that that I'm not comfortable with. In those situations we would plan it a day or two in advance so you would have time to get ready and that's fine.

If I am going to be making out of the blue 10 o'clock at night house calls though to women I have yet to meet I need to start charging for my time. Because that is essentially what that would be is a gigolo situation. 

 

[Els]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think that is what she wanted, but then she backtracked based on your response because she could tell you weren't into it and thought it was strange.

Yeah, this. I'm all for discussing expectations in advance, but even I think it's a bit jarring to respond to an invitation with "are we going to have sex?"... She probably did think she would want it, but now she doesn't. 

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Yeah, this. I'm all for discussing expectations in advance, but even I think it's a bit jarring to respond to an invitation with "are we going to have sex?"... She probably did think she would want it, but now she doesn't. 

I get it but at the same time it would take time to get ready for an invitation like this. These women asking these men as young as their own children over to their place before even meeting them would want them to show up looking as attractive as they can. I for instance would want to shower and shave and in many instances get a haircut. Get a nice shirt and jeans pairing ready and underwear that was fresh out of the washer and dryer. And in most cases make sure my pubes were properly trimmed.

Sure I probably could have said we can do next weekend instead of tonight and if I have another woman I have never met yet calling me up that late at night asking me to come over to her place that is probably what I will do. This was a new experience for me regarding a situation like that though. I have been called up in the evening by women who I have already met two or three times asking me to come over to their place right away and in those situations they have usually already seen you naked so all that preparation isn't as necessary in that situation. But have never had an out of the blue invitation like that from a woman I had yet to meet before.

Edited Monday at 12:30 PM by Sony12

[Alvi]

Ok, what would you reaction be if she said: "Yeah, I am looking for sex. Come and sex me up."
 Why not let her down gently if you are not interested instead of calling her out on this one? You put her in a rough spot and she backtracked.  I mean, she was bold and daring and maybe drunk or on drugs when she asked you to come to her place.

I can't tell you how many times random guys on the net asked me to come to their apartments, houses, hotel rooms or send them my pictures at night time. I simply blocked all of them and that was it.  

18 hours ago, Sony12 said:

I get that a lady isn't wanting sex every time she invites a guy over but it's really odd that she would ask me to come over that late if that isn't what she was looking for. Especially a guy she hadn't met as of yet.

Maybe she needed a chess partner or wanted to discuss a poetry with someone. OK, get real. She meant sex. She practically threw herself at you. I suppose, you would not question her intentions or calling her out on inviting you in if you have found her to be physically  attractive. All you are saying is that she is old enough to be your mother, lol.

Just say "NO" if you feel in any way shape or form uncomfortable, which you did. 

Why are you bothered by this and/or give it a second thought?

Edited Monday at 05:17 PM by Alvi

[Sony12]

@Alviwhat I am saying is that if sex was infact what she was looking for it takes time to get yourself ready. These women want the guys to look as similar to their pics as possible and you aren't always going to be fixed up like that and prepared to have your clothes taken off.

In situations where they want a guy to meet them at a moments notice they should be calling escort services. Not guys from dating apps who will be doing it for free.

If she would have said yes I do want sex I would have needed to shower, shave, trim pubes....etc....etc.... 

Edited Monday at 05:49 PM by Sony12

[Alpacalia]

What you experienced is actually pretty common in online dating: mismatched expectations and unclear communication. Some people test boundaries, some avoid being direct, and others genuinely don’t see late-night invitations as unusual.

If you’re looking to avoid this kind of confusion in the future, one strategy is to set clear meeting standards early on — like suggesting coffee, lunch, or an afternoon meetup for a first encounter. That way, you filter out people who aren’t aligned with your comfort zone.

But, and this isn't a judgment, you seem to get off on older women being into you for purely sexual reasons. So, what does it matter.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

But, and this isn't a judgment, you seem to get off on older women being into you for purely sexual reasons. So, what does it matter.

I wonder that too. My guess is our OP's ego is a bit bruised that she changed her mind. 

[flitzanu]

this response is going to come off a bit sexist/armchair psych - and i'm sorry.

but.

there have been about 4? incidents in my (male) life where women have...openly wanted to have sex, but not all openly stated it.  and when i politely declined the offer, not out of want, but out of "respect" it very much backfired into them doing nearly what this person did, in trying to insinuate you started it, you were trying, blah blah, and ultimately wanted to try and turn it on me, with 3 of the 4 turning into them completely shutting me out and withdrawing quickly from friendships.

1 of them was kind enough to explain, that i hurt her ego so badly by being dismissive of the boldness of her invite, that it completely broke her esteem with me and strongly enough that it was never to be fixed, and i never had any further chances with these girls after those moments.

i think this was truly not you but them, and that there is some weird self-conscious ego thing at play in these scenarios.  women traditionally don't expect to EVER be turned down at the offer of sex.  sorry, that sounds sexist, but for my experiences this is more accurate than not.  it may not be a hard rule, but i don't think that behavior is fringe or outliers.

[Els]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

I think this was truly not you but them, and that there is some weird self-conscious ego thing at play in these scenarios.  women traditionally don't expect to EVER be turned down at the offer of sex.  sorry, that sounds sexist, but for my experiences this is more accurate than not.  it may not be a hard rule, but i don't think that behavior is fringe or outliers.

Maybe if they were 20 without much life experience, but at 50? I'd hope that they would've experienced this before, because it would at least mean that they've been in an equal sexual relationship once in their life. If a person has literally never been turned down by anyone, it hints at a very significant imbalance, either of libido or of power dynamics.

Edited Tuesday at 11:03 PM by Els

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Els said:

Maybe if they were 20 without much life experience, but at 50? I'd hope that they would've experienced this before, because it would at least mean that they've been in an equal sexual relationship once in their life.

I agree. If she's at this age and never once expeerienced being turned down to the point that she shuts down like this, well, then she's not very sexually experienced to begin with. 

I tihnk she simply didn't like OP's response to her and back-pedalled. 

[Sony12]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. If she's at this age and never once expeerienced being turned down to the point that she shuts down like this, well, then she's not very sexually experienced to begin with. 

I tihnk she simply didn't like OP's response to her and back-pedalled. 

A lot of these women were in long-term marriages (many times unhappy marriages) and aren't necessarily very experienced when it comes to dating (especially within the online apps). When they go online they often go for the attractive and charismatic guys just as much as the women who are more seasoned daters do. Yet aren't necessarily as prepared to handle the dating game as the women who have been dating for awhile are.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

A lot of these women were in long-term marriages (many times unhappy marriages) and aren't necessarily very experienced when it comes to dating 

Right, but I wasn't referring to being experienced at dating. 

 It is unlikely a woman at her age with presumably years of sexual experience never expects (or has never experienced) being turned down for sex, as another poster suggested. 

I just think you two rubbed each other the wrong way and turned each other off. Nothing more than that. 

 

[flitzanu]

19 hours ago, Els said:

Maybe if they were 20 without much life experience, but at 50? I'd hope that they would've experienced this before, because it would at least mean that they've been in an equal sexual relationship once in their life. If a person has literally never been turned down by anyone, it hints at a very significant imbalance, either of libido or of power dynamics.

this is fair, i've not experienced this except in the 20-30 range

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Right, but I wasn't referring to being experienced at dating. 

 It is unlikely a woman at her age with presumably years of sexual experience never expects (or has never experienced) being turned down for sex, as another poster suggested. 

I just think you two rubbed each other the wrong way and turned each other off. Nothing more than that. 

 

 

Probably so. However I don't really think being rejected for sex is the same when you are married as it is when you are single.

For instance I have a lady messaging me today who has only been divorced since June and was married for 37 years. Has she been rejected for sex? Most likely. But has she been rejected for sex by a guy who was single? Probably only if she tried to come on to a guy at some point during her marriage.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't even see where you actually told her during this call that you didn't want to have sex with her, though. 

Did you? It sounded like you two ticked each other off and you ended the call and unmatched her . Or am I missing something? 

 

[Sony12]

51 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't even see where you actually told her during this call that you didn't want to have sex with her, though. 

Did you? It sounded like you two ticked each other off and you ended the call and unmatched her . Or am I missing something? 

 

When she called me up and asked me to come over I asked her if she wanted to have sex with me. I probably said it in a tone where I didn't sound to enthused because I wasn't. I wasn't very thrilled about the idea of going immediately over to her house at that moment because as I said earlier I wasn't prepared at that moment to have my clothes taken off by someone new.. Didn't have nice clothes prepared at that moment, would have needed to shower and shave......etc....

Was I totally against going over to her place ever? No I wasn't. But in that moment wasn't too thrilled with the idea. 

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 08:21 PM by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, that's what I thought. 

You didn't actually turn her down. Sure, she probably picked up on the fact that you weren't too excited but I doubt she's so fragile that it made her wilt. Unless she is totally clueless, which is unlikely at her age, she probably realized a last-minute and late-night visiti might not have been accepted.  Anyway, you both discovered quickly that you are not suited to each other. That's a win, as neither of you has wasted your time. 

Edited yesterday at 05:01 AM by ExpatInItaly

[Sony12]

58 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that's what I thought. 

You didn't actually turn her down. Sure, she probably picked up on the fact that you weren't too excited but I doubt she's so fragile that it made her wilt. Unless she is totally clueless, which is unlikely at her age, she probably realized a last-minute and late-night visiti might not have been accepted.  Anyway, you both discovered quickly that you are not suited to each other. That's a win, as neither of you has wasted your time. 

I joke that if I am going to start making 10 o'clock at night house calls to women who I have yet to meet I need to charge for my time. Because that's essentially what a situation like that is.

[flitzanu]

12 hours ago, Sony12 said:

I joke that if I am going to start making 10 o'clock at night house calls to women who I have yet to meet I need to charge for my time. Because that's essentially what a situation like that is.

you might need someone with a big hat and a feather to handle your appointments if you start that.