Damnit, broke NC..

[Roarz]

Today my ex IM's me, and stupidly I reply back. It was all ok until I just kept it going and it turned into this whole thing. A few days ago I had found out she had a new bf (which she didn't know I knew; I brought it up to see if she really had changed, if she would really watch what she said to not hurt my feelings), which tore me up pretty bad and maybe that's why I replied: I felt like I had slid back so far that it didn't matter anymore. Strangely I feel a lot better after that, like I got some things off my chest finally, but I'm sure tommorow I will feel worse . I think I handled the conversation well enough and finally told her straight up to stop bothering me. Can any of you that know my background tell me if I handled the conversation well at least? I don't want this to be a total failure =/. I am adamant about NC, I just wish she would stop making it so difficult to move on. I hope I didn't put her in a position of power again *sigh*. Is she really a bitch or am I just holding a grudge for too long like she says? (read other posts if you need background)

 

Session Start (Me:Ex): Tue Jan 17 22:50:12 2006

[22:50] Ex: how did your first day of classes go?

[22:50] Me: fine, yours?

[22:50] Ex: hey, how did your first day of classes go?

[22:51] Ex: it was good

[22:51] Ex: do you have math this semester?

[22:51] Me: yes, calc 2 again

[22:51] Ex: well, good luck with it

[22:52] Me: thanks, good luck with whatever you are doing

[22:52] Ex: thanks

Session Close (Ex): Tue Jan 17 22:52:38 2006

 

Session Start (Me:Ex): Tue Jan 17 22:52:56 2006

[22:52] Ex: so, have you forgiven me?

[22:54] Me: not really, its kind of hard to

[22:54] Ex: ok then

[22:54] Ex: sorry to bother you

Session Close (Ex): Tue Jan 17 22:54:58 2006

 

Session Start (Me:Ex): Tue Jan 17 22:55:59 2006

[22:56] Me: I hope you can understand why, since I forgave you like a millon times before that...not trying to be a jerk, just dont want to get screwed over again

[22:58] Ex: listen, i know how i was before and i am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I'm not saying sorry so i can screw you over again. I'm saying sorry becuase I am, and thats fine if you dont want to accept it, but i know i was awful to you and i just want you to know that i realize that and im sorry

[22:58] Ex: i know we can never be friends, i was just hoping to have something besides your hatred

[22:59] Ex: but i guess thats too much to ask

[23:01] Me: whats the difference between hatred and not being friends? Why do you even think you deserve it...I did everything I oculd to make you happy, even after you broke up with me for a reason I dont even understand, and still got treated like ****

[23:01] Me: so it kind of is too much to ask

[23:02] Me: at least you've shown me its always the people you think you can trust the most

[23:02] Me: so at least I can come away with something good from it

[23:02] Ex: wow, i thought you were better than that. i guess you've never screwed up in your life. sorry, i didnt realize i was talking to a saint

[23:03] Me: well I'm sorry it took hearing that you were hurting my feelings from someone else instead of listening to me when I was telling you

[23:05] Me: why do you want me to forgive you so bad anyway? So you can feel good about yourself? You already said we cant be friends and we arnt getting back together so why does it matter one way or the other

[23:06] Ex: well, im sorry. after we broke up i just wanted to be away from you for a while and i didnt realize how i was hurting you until it was too late. but, obviously you arent going to accept my apology, so there's nothing else i can say

[23:07] Me: you just wanted to be away? Why did you always call me then to invite me to dinner or whatever and then jack me around

[23:07] Me: seriously, why do you want me to forgive you?

[23:08] Ex: i said i was sorry for what i did. i dont have a good reason for treating you badly, i just did

[23:10] Ex: you know what, i dont know why it matters. you're right. we are out of each others lives, so i guess it doesnt matter if you hate me. suit yourself...if you want to hold it against me forever, fine. i always forgive people, i dont think its good to hold grudges, but obviously we think differently

[23:11] Me: if I said I forgave you what would change? Nothing

[23:11] Me: lets say we even tried to be friends...then you;d get a new boyfriend and it'd start all over again

[23:13] Ex: actually i have a new boyfriend and i am just trying to fix what i messed up. you're trying so hard not to accept it, so fine. i know you cant stand me anymore, so im sorry to even bother you. i just genuinly care about how you are doing, but oh well

[23:14] Me: wow, thanks for telling me, I feel so much better now. I guess you just dont get it

[23:14] Me: glad you know that whole "I don't want a boyfriend right now" was a lie

[23:14] Ex: how can you hate someone so much that you once loved?

[23:14] Me: should have just told me the truth

[23:14] Me: how can you treat someone you loved before so badly?

[23:14] Ex: i didnt want a boyfriend but i happened to meet the right guy. i cant help when he came along

[23:15] Me: I bet you couldnt

[23:15] Me: I guess you also couldnt help telling me

[23:15] Ex: well, you brought it up

[23:15] Me: no, I didnt, I just said hypothetically

[23:15] Ex: what do you mean i should have told you the truth?

[23:16] Me: you didnt just fall out of love with me, you made a choice to do so

[23:16] Ex: well, sorry. i guess i cant tell you anything without you getting mad. i didnt think you'd care since you dont give a **** about me anymore

[23:16] Ex: yeah, becuase you werent the right one for me

[23:17] Me: whatever you say, seems like I was good enough for 2 years

[23:18] Ex: you were, but i realized it wasnt right. i guess i just reakized a bit late

[23:18] Ex: sorry to put u through that

[23:18] Me: well thanks for wasting my time

[23:18] Me: well that doesnt take back all this crap I've been through

[23:18] Ex: sorry you feel it was a waste

[23:19] Me: not a total waste, I know what kind of girl I dont want in my life now

[23:19] Ex: well good 4 u

[23:19] Ex: congrats, i know the kind of guy i dont want as well

[23:20] Me: well then now that you know, can you please stay out of my life? I dont need you checking up on me...I think you've done enough for one lifetime

Session Close (Ex): Tue Jan 17 23:21:42 2006

[CaliGuy]

Sounds just like my ex. I wouldn't have gone there though. She's obviously moved on but is trying to make herself feel better. I would have just said "I forgive you" and then cut the conversation short.

 

Why forgive? Because the only way YOU can heal is to let it go. As long as you hold a grudge she will own you. You might not think that now but trust me, all grudges do is make you a bitter, angry person over things that happened in the past that you can not change.

 

You don't have to forget what she did to you, but I do believe you can forgive and move on. You need to do that for you own closure and to heal and be set up better for the next girl that comes along.

 

Given your age, you have plenty of time to meet the right person. Don't let anger over the past ruin your future. She realizes she made a mistake. If you want to make her understand how badly you feel just say "I forgive you but it will be hard to forget. Have a good night and take care of yourself."

 

She has a new boyfriend so shut the door on her. Cut off any contact, remove her from your IM list so you can't see her, delete her phone number and wipe her from your memory banks as best you can.

 

It's the only way for you to truly heal and move on. Holding a grudge only holds you at bay.

[Roarz]

So do you think I should just tell her now in an email that I forgive her? I really do forgive her, I just didn't want her to know it...I don't want to put her in a position to hurt me, or to make her think it's ok and she'll always be forgiven for anything wrong she does to me.

[CaliGuy]

So do you think I should just tell her now in an email that I forgive her? I really do forgive her, I just didn't want her to know it...I don't want to put her in a position to hurt me, or to make her think it's ok and she'll always be forgiven for anything wrong she does to me.

 

Forgive her for yourself, not to put her at ease. If you forgive her, truly, then you can let go of the anger and bitterness and start the healing process.

 

I don't know this girl or you for that matter so I can not tell you exactly what you should do. You know her and you know what will make you feel better so do what you feel is best.

 

That said if it were me I would say exactly what I said earlier. "I forgive you but I won't forget. Take care of yourself." and leave it at that. NC for good.

 

I'm sitting here yelling at myself in my head for caring about someone who couldn't care less about me. She's selfish, immature, took me for granted and used me. How on earth could I find those qualities attractive in anyone? I don't normally but I was in love and made some very regretful decisions.

 

If you feel it's over with her and you want to move on, forgive her and LET IT GO.

 

If you want to leave the door open, forgive her, and LET IT GO.

 

It's the same thing. You can take out the "take care of yourself" part if you won't want to make it known you aren't going to be contacting her. But I do believe if you want what is best for you that NC is the only way.

 

After today's fiasco I took a step back but I do feel good knowing I maybe said 5 words to her, I smiled and I moved on. I made no attempt to chit-chat, I didn't email her when I got back to the office and I have no urge to.

 

Perhaps I am finally moving on. She will always have a place in my heart. I just pray that it will be a teeny, tiny place soon and what spot she had will be replaced by someone much better for me.

[dprelz]

I am adamant about NC, I just wish she would stop making it so difficult to move on. I hope I didn't put her in a position of power again *sigh*.

 

Actually it's your fault, not hers. You have to block her out of your life. That means BLOCKING/DELETING her from msn. Your going to hurt for a while now because you talked to her. Don't talk to her. Delete her from your msn. If she is truly sorry she will come to you and be sincere. Your just screwing yourself by dragging it on. Be strong dude!

[BYSI]

i agree with Caliguy... although u have forgiven her, u dont have to tell her. just keep it for your self. the more u open your self, the more u open your self to get hurt again. the only time you can communiacte with her is when u r 100% sure that u r over her. n never hope to be with her again.

becoz as long as u have something abt her, u r so vurnerable n fragile. let your heart get healed . while u r in the healing process dont open your bandage n hurt your self again... otherwise the wound will remain the same or even worse.

 

i am going through break up too.. so u r not alone... dont waste your pain, k ?

[Roarz]

Well, I finally told her that I forgave her in an email, like you said Calidude, and it did make me a feel a lot better. I felt it was the right thing to do. Maybe because it's not on bad terms anywhere and a friendship is possible in the future. I think she finally got the message, because she didn't reply back to this one (unlike her) so at least she cares enough to respect my wishes (or else I guilted her enough into it, either way I won't have to worry anymore). Do you think it made me sound weak and needy or strong? I'm trying to learn from all this for next time.

 

Do any of you think that it's possible for us to get back together again? I know NC is the best way for that and I am implementing that now but do you think there's a chance? I promise I won't hold out (been doing that for too long now), I just want to know people's opinions. She said she just discovered one day that I wasn't the right one for her and told me it will never happen again. But people change and such and don't always mean what they say. What do you guys think?

 

Email:

 

Look, ok, let me be straight with you. I'm sorry everything I said came out mean, but I meant everything I said. For the record, I *do* forgive you and I've never hated you. I was just trying to make you hate me enough to leave me alone. I tried to give you the brushoff enough so that you would get the point. I am not going to hold a grudge against you; I also made some stupid mistakes during all of this. But for right now, you can't keep trying to force a friendship like this. I don't want it right now. That is what will make me hate you. For all the bad things you've done during all of this, please do one thing right: stop contacting me. That's all I've been trying to get across to you. If we are meant to be in each other's lives again, we will be without all this forced contact. I know you care about me and I care about you too and I know we won't forget each other. That should be enough. If you are sincere about wanting to build trust up with me again enough to be friends someday, start by letting me trust that you won't try to contact me anymore. Just let this die.

[CaliGuy]

Well, I finally told her that I forgave her in an email, like you said Calidude, and it did make me a feel a lot better. I felt it was the right thing to do. Maybe because it's not on bad terms anywhere and a friendship is possible in the future. I think she finally got the message, because she didn't reply back to this one (unlike her) so at least she cares enough to respect my wishes (or else I guilted her enough into it, either way I won't have to worry anymore). Do you think it made me sound weak and needy or strong? I'm trying to learn from all this for next time.

 

Do any of you think that it's possible for us to get back together again? I know NC is the best way for that and I am implementing that now but do you think there's a chance? I promise I won't hold out (been doing that for too long now), I just want to know people's opinions. She said she just discovered one day that I wasn't the right one for her and told me it will never happen again. But people change and such and don't always mean what they say. What do you guys think?

 

Email:

 

Good for you. I thought it was a well written letter and let her soak on it. The only thing I might have done differently is just made it a lot shorter, less detail and more for her to figure out on her own

 

Forgiving is part one.

Letting go is part two.

 

Now you need to focus on yourself. Forget about her and the past, there is nothing you can do to change that. You recognize you made some mistakes. Reflect on what those were and think of ways you can improve upon them. You're only as strong as your weakest points. Make them stronger by vowing not to repeat those mistakes in the future.

 

Letting go is so essential to everything else. It has a domino effect from here on out. If you truly let go, things will start getting better.

 

No focusing on her or the past.

Hang out with friends.

Go to the gym and work out (Physical activity is as good for the mind as it is the body).

Find new hobbies (heck, play World of Warcraft! It's filled up some of my spare time).

Go out and have a good time.

 

The more you occupy your time with extra-cirricular activies the less you will focus on her, the past and everything associated with it. You'll begin to live in the here and now and be much happier.

 

Do it. You deserve to be happy bro.

 

And before you know it, some hottie will walk into your life and you'll be better prepared to have success given the lessons you have learned and having focused on yourself.

 

Congrats. Step one is in the bag.

[UT_longhorn]

dude. that totally sucks. i think from what you've written that she's being very selfish. she wants to feel better for hurting by wanting you to say i forgive you but in the process stabbing you more.

 

dude...she may or may not respond to that email...but DO NOT contact her anymore man. i really feel for you cause i can imagine that you must be hurting. i think u know urself knows that NC is the best policy and the only policy from here on out.

[CaliGuy]

dude. that totally sucks. i think from what you've written that she's being very selfish. she wants to feel better for hurting by wanting you to say i forgive you but in the process stabbing you more.

 

He's not forgiving her to make her feel better. He's forgiving her so he can move on, LET GO, and stick to NC.

 

There's a big difference. It's not to appease her or manipulate her but truly let go of the past and move forward.

 

dude...she may or may not respond to that email...but DO NOT contact her anymore man. i really feel for you cause i can imagine that you must be hurting. i think u know urself knows that NC is the best policy and the only policy from here on out.

 

Agreed, but please keep in mind you can not let go until you've forgiven someone. As long as you hold on hate and resentment, it will not allow you to release. Anger, hate and resentment keep you stuck in the past. Always looking back, never looking forward.

 

The point of NC is indeed to move forward. Forgiving is step 1.