How can I get him to change his mind & want a relationship w me?

[flitzanu]

no one is saying he doesn't "care" about you or is your friend, we are just saying that you're not going to get a relationship with an honest person that is actually choosing a committed relationship with you.  

you're getting scraps.

[Cantholdm3e]

You all gave good advice. Maybe what I should be focusing on instead is why I’m only worthy of being the side piece girl. He has a wife he isn’t leaving, and simultaneously had a girlfriend in his new city he was living with until I guess she got sick of his cheating and him not actually leaving his wife. He’ll tell me he loves both of them, and loved his other affair partner, but not me? Why might it be that I’m unlovable and not worthy? He’s said our sex is the best and I’ve always been so enthusiastic about spending time with him for 7 years and will get jealous over him and tell him I love him 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Maybe what I should be focusing on instead is why I’m only worthy of being the side piece girl.

Because you’re letting yourself be the side piece girl.

Your worth greatly depends on your self-worth.

[Cantholdm3e]

I tried not to be… for a while told him I would not be alone w him until he was formerly (on paper) separated… assumed he wouldn’t want to start dating me anyhow at time bc I was pregnant and separating myself, but he did. It seemed nothing could stop us getting together. His other GF was also married when they met, also wanted him to get divorced but kept going along w him (even moving in w him) for quite a while… and he tells me he loved her, but me he never lived with and says we’ll never be in a relationship?!

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Why might it be that I’m unlovable and not worthy?

You have very little self-rrespect, which is not attractive to men. 

He sees that he can treat you like an option and you'll not only serve that up to him, but also go chasing right after it. Notice that the woman he wants more doesn't take his crap the way you do?

[Cantholdm3e]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have very little self-rrespect, which is not attractive to men. 

He sees that he can treat you like an option and you'll not only serve that up to him, but also go chasing right after it. Notice that the woman he wants more doesn't take his crap the way you do?

She broke up w him 7 times, moved out, then came “right back” as he put it. She was aware he hid her, hadn’t divorced his wife, and was cheating massively with me and stayed. Until I guess one point she left for good. And his wife takes ALL of this crap, being aware of 3 affairs and not divorcing him

Edited November 23 by Cantholdm3e

[ExpatInItaly]

At the end of the day, this guy is an enormous loser.  It's unclear why you are scraping the bottom of the barrel like this, but it's your life to live. 

Throwing yourself a pity party when you know exactly the type of man you're dealing with isn't productive. You were also a party to his cheating, so I don't think that you can expect much sympathy. Your behaviour here hasn't been very good, either. 

You reap what you sow, in other words. 

[Shehaari]

i'm genuinely curious.. What are the reasons he's the type of man you actually WANT something more with?

It doesn't seem as though he wants to be more in your life..


 

[stillafool]

On 11/16/2025 at 1:41 AM, Cantholdm3e said:

I should add, he always says how he’s not looking for any gf, but that he sees only me (& has sex with no one else), & he gets very jealous if I’m w another guy. So I don’t know if it’s dumb to get hung up on the label when we see each other so much again now, & w so much history, & it’s so good

i realize I could  ask “how can I get him to change his mind & want a relationship w me?”, but that seems impossible if he’s so afraid of the “restrictions” or “losing independence”. And he’s “wanted” me on whatever level a 7 yr history indicates 

Most married men don't want their side pieces sleeping with other men because there's a lot of STDs out there and they don't want to pass that on to their wives and get caught or infect her.  I wouldn't be so flattered by that if I were you.  It's doubtful that even if his wife left him that he would settle for you.  Most MM in affairs who get divorced rarely move on with their side women but move on to someone totally new.  They don't want to be reminded of what ruined their marriage and want to start anew.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

She broke up w him 7 times, moved out, then came “right back” as he put it. She was aware he hid her, hadn’t divorced his wife, and was cheating massively with me and stayed. Until I guess one point she left for good. And his wife takes ALL of this crap, being aware of 3 affairs and not divorcing him

In other words, he is a total loser who can only attract women that have no self-respect.

Why you’d willingly be one of those women, in any capacity whatsoever, is beyond my understanding.

[Acacia98]

On 11/18/2025 at 11:22 PM, Cantholdm3e said:

lol, fair enough, his 3rd affair (started while I had another BF) left her husband, who she told me was super great, just to be w this man. Then when she expected he’d follow suit & propose to her & divorce, he dragged his feet so she dumped him a final time. Meanwhile he tells me he only can be friends  & isn’t getting divorced, but when I ignore him, he keeps seeking my attention… & this man does not act as only friends, he wants sex. 
ok so sounds like only way for this to “work” is if I accept he will always have a wife. But even then, I feel like he’s lied about so many things (including this other girl’s entire existence) that he’d prob cheat on me too. But even if I decide THAT is ok, it seems like I can’t get anything more than intermittent, Exactly on his terms? Any ideas? 

I'm not sure what there is to discuss over here. You either accept what he's offering or you dump him and go no contact for the rest of your life. He sounds too broken to offer more, and there's no indication that he wants to fix his brokenness.

The real question is why are you hanging around, hoping to see if tin will turn into silver?

Edited November 24 by Acacia98

[flitzanu]

On 11/22/2025 at 4:04 PM, Cantholdm3e said:

 Maybe what I should be focusing on instead is why I’m only worthy of being the side piece girl. 

and do you think this is why he's not running into the sunset with you, because you aren't worthy?

[Cantholdm3e]

On 11/24/2025 at 1:15 PM, flitzanu said:

and do you think this is why he's not running into the sunset with you, because you aren't worthy?

Yes. There has to be just something wrong with me, given that we’ve had amazing chemistry and shared a lot for 7 years, yet he tells me he didn’t “love” me.
My recent BF, who never had a relationship more than surface level, couldn’t tell me he loved me for almost a year & then it was only in signing a card. He’d disappear like 1 night a week, not even a single text till halfway thru next day, and even after I asked if he could at least shoot a quick “home safe” text, he didn’t, nor did I know where he was going out or the people accompanying etc. when I nicely, non confrontationally brought it up, he got all angry and attacked me then dumped me. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Yes. There has to be just something wrong with me, given that we’ve had amazing chemistry and shared a lot for 7 years, yet he tells me he didn’t “love” me.

What’s wrong is that you let a man who was married and involved in a relationship with another lover into your life, and even hoped to have a serious relationship with him.

That is exactly what makes men unlikely to commit to you. You need to have self-respect and demand right away that the man be yours and only yours, not share him with other women.

If he doesn’t want that, you should simply dump him instead of sticking around and hoping that he’ll change his mind.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Yes. There has to be just something wrong with me, given that we’ve had amazing chemistry and shared a lot for 7 years, yet he tells me he didn’t “love” me.

It's really sad that you are hinging your entire sense of self-worth on whether these two loser men wanted to be with you.  Your self-respect and self-worth shouldn't be dependent on a man... it's something you cultivate within yourself, and it actually guides you to make good decisions about which men are worth your time and which aren't.

[Cantholdm3e]

Well, it’s very damaging to me to have spent 7 years being intimate & so close with him, then after we have sex & are having a nice convo, tells me about how he “loved” this other woman but chose to stay w his wife for financial gain or whatever; and who am I? Part of his life for 7 years and he never told me he loved ME???

[ExpatInItaly]

 

12 minutes ago, Cantholdm3e said:

who am I? Part of his life for 7 years and he never told me he loved ME???

Are you serious? 

He doesn't love you , no. You know this. He has always treated you like a plaything and you let him do so. 

14 minutes ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Well, it’s very damaging to me to have spent 7 years being intimate & so close with him, then after we have sex & are having a nice convo, tells me about how he “loved” this other woman but chose to stay w his wife

Then make better life choices. You can stomp your feet but you've been failing yourself for 7 years. He's a loser, sure, but this is not all his fault. It's your fault too. He wouldn't have able to behave in damaging ways with you if you cut him off when you should have. 

[Cantholdm3e]

You’re totally right about the guy, of course: cheater, liar, my own fault for staying involved. But what’s shaking me is why another woman after me can be “good enough” for him to love and live with, yet I was under his nose the whole time and he never did anything with me. Never loved me in all that time and all we shared, which was a LOT

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

You’re totally right about the guy, of course: cheater, liar, my own fault for staying involved. But what’s shaking me is why another woman after me can be “good enough” for him to love and live with, yet I was under his nose the whole time and he never did anything with me. Never loved me in all that time and all we shared, which was a LOT

Are you seriously pondering the question why someone loves someone and doesn’t love someone else?

There is no “why”. He loved other women and he doesn’t love you, period. These are feelings and they can’t be controlled.

What you can control is your actions, your choices to be or not to be with someone. And your choice to still be with a man who doesn’t love you and doesn’t respect you is obviously a very poor choice.

Instead of pondering why he feels or doesn’t feel this or that, cut off all ties with him and start working on your self esteem.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

But what’s shaking me is why another woman after me can be “good enough” for him to love and live with, yet I was under his nose the whole time and he never did anything with me. 

We won't be able to answer that. He just doesn't have those feelings for you. 

How much more of your life are you going to waste on this dead-end? 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

You’re totally right about the guy, of course: cheater, liar, my own fault for staying involved. But what’s shaking me is why another woman after me can be “good enough” for him to love and live with, yet I was under his nose the whole time and he never did anything with me. Never loved me in all that time and all we shared, which was a LOT

You opened this thread by saying you both did toxic things to each other, and you're now wondering why you weren't good enough?    You're being very silly