I don't understand the breakup

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I understand attraction or he didn’t feel the spark is an issue

It’s not an issue, it’s the issue.

 

6 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

but he still wanted to date me so I thought it something he can overcome.

What do you mean “overcome”? Gain attraction over time? That’s not possible. Either you feel it, or you don’t. He doesn’t, and he won’t.

Or do you mean stay with you despite not being attracted to you? Maybe he’d do it for whatever wrong reason, but why would you want to be with a man who isn’t attracted to you? It’s very humiliating and it would never make you truly happy.

 

6 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

But maybe it was my indecisive that drove him away. 

One more time, no.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I understand attraction or he didn’t feel the spark is an issue

Is is the primrary reason didn't work out. It's not something that can be "overcome." 

 

[Els]

This is a lot of analysis for a 3 month long relationship. Why are you even so invested in this? Why are you jumping through so many mental hoops to try and explain this to yourself? 

The early dating stages are precisely for determining whether or not you feel chemistry between the two of you. You can't know for sure that they are the right person for you so early on... But you can definitely know that they are the WRONG person. Once you know that they are wrong, what's the point in dragging things out? 

He's doing the right thing IMO. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't feel it. Far better that he be honest with you now than string you along. Also stop twisting yourself into pretzels trying to figure out "what's wrong with you" - it's very possible that nothing is wrong (except for the fact that you seem to get attached very very quickly), you just don't have chemistry together. 

[stillafool]

On 11/27/2025 at 7:24 AM, PandaPanda said:

Then he said when it come to going on date I don’t ever plan, it always him having to plan and it stress him out. I didn’t think that’s true. When I asked him what he want to do he always tell me to decide. I gave him a list of things we could do and ask him to pick from there since I don’t know what his interested in. So once he pick the activities we then agree we do it on a weekend we both free. He then said I don’t plan what time we should wake up, whether we should have lunch first or pack lunch, what time to go do the activity. He said I don’t plan, so he end up having to decide everything. I didn’t know he want it to be like a schedule, I thought we just decide as we go since there no set time for the activity. He didn’t communicate with me what was bothering him, I didn’t know it stress him out. If I knew I would have plan everything for us, I don’t mind planing. He then said I’m a little spoil, which is not true and it hurt a bit. 

When the excuses don't add up to why a person doesn't want to be with you the answer is simple.   He's just not feeling you in the way that matters to him and there is literally nothing you can do to change this.

14 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

he didn’t feel the spark is an issue, but he still wanted to date me so I thought it something he can overcome.

You should have ended it with him the moment he told you he didn't feel a spark for you.  What he's looking for is passion and he isn't feeling it with you.  Let him go so you can find a man who does.

[PandaPanda]

I think I’m just really upset. If he felt no attraction towards me then why continue dating me and only let me know months later. 
 

Why tell me he likes me after our second date and continue to pursue me. Showing me he was interested, continuous texting, calling and taking me out on dates. When we together it felt nice and everything felt good. 
 

I think I’m just really upset, more on myself for like him too much and too quick. I let my wall down too early and end up being heartbroken. I just feel dumb for thinking we were good. 

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, PandaPanda said:

I think I’m just really upset. If he felt no attraction towards me then why continue dating me and only let me know months later. 
 

Why tell me he likes me after our second date and continue to pursue me. Showing me he was interested, continuous texting, calling and taking me out on dates. When we together it felt nice and everything felt good. 
 

I think I’m just really upset, more on myself for like him too much and too quick. I let my wall down too early and end up being heartbroken. I just feel dumb for thinking we were good. 

He didn't continue to pursue you.....he actually broke up with you early on.   Then at around 2 months in, he confessed he was still struggling to be attracted.   Yes, he did nice things for you, but him being unable to find the right level of attraction never really went away.   

This should have ended when he said that he still wasn't attracted the second time.

Edited November 30 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PandaPanda said:

Why tell me he likes me after our second date and continue to pursue me. Showing me he was interested, continuous texting, calling and taking me out on dates. When we together it felt nice and everything felt good.

With respect, you seem to be re-writing history in your mind. 

Your first post about this break-up paints a very different picture, one of a man who's never been that keen and went along with things rather than demonstrating true interest of his own volitiion. It seems you can't accept that people sometimes change their minds, and he was never really as into this as you were. He should not have continued seeing you if he knew he wasn't that into you, no. But this is why you need to do a better job of looking out for yourself, too. 

You introduced this man to your parents after he'd already broken up with you once. That was not smart on your part.  He told you on your fourth date that he wasn't really into you. You needed to walk away then, not double-down in your efforts to keep him around. It nearly never ends well, as you're seeing. 

1 hour ago, PandaPanda said:

I just feel dumb for thinking we were good. 

I don't quite understand how you thought things were good, given the entire backstory here. You were (and still are) in quite a lot of denial about your connection to him. He's been showing signs all along that he wasn't going to stick around. You were simply not wanting to see those signs. 

[PandaPanda]

I know I have overlook or ignored signs that he not fully invest and will eventually want to break up again. I guess I was hoping that he would change his mind. That’s feelings can grow the longer we spend together. 
 

When he came back after the break up and want to date again, I agree but was being very cautious. He put in effort of texting me everyday, calling me every night before bed to talk until we fall asleep, and take me out on dates, being caring and attentive made me thought that he changed and maybe he does like me since he putting in efforts. That’s where I guess my feelings grew for him even more. 
 

A lot of confusing things happened during the time I was dating him. It made me feel confuse and conflicted. When we broke up for good, I do accepted it because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fully like me either. 
 

I just feel sad knowing I stressed him out during dating and regret I didn’t try harder to plan dates and spend time with him. Part of me just wonder if I tried harder to not stress him out, would things turn out differently. 

Edited November 30 by PandaPanda

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

Part of me just wonder if I tried harder to not stress him out, would things turn out differently. 

They wouldn't have no. 

He told you after 4 dates he wasn't into it. That's where it should have ended because that was a reflectionon of his true feelings. 

[smackie9]

As soon as a guy says he's questioning his attraction to you, you boot him to the curb. You date them again, you may as well be a hamster on a wheel. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I just feel sad knowing I stressed him out during dating and regret I didn’t try harder to plan dates and spend time with him. Part of me just wonder if I tried harder to not stress him out, would things turn out differently. 

I doubt it.  He'd already made it clear that you weren't Ms Right, but you wanted to stay around as a placeholder

[PandaPanda]

When he came back and want to try dating again I just thought maybe he wasn’t sure about his initial decision. I thought maybe he did feel something towards me or else why come back. I was just holding on to hope that it work out because I do like him. 
 

People can be unsure and make rash decisions. I thought maybe he regret rushing to the decision and wanted to try again. 

[flitzanu]

9 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

When he came back and want to try dating again I just thought maybe he wasn’t sure about his initial decision. I thought maybe he did feel something towards me or else why come back. I was just holding on to hope that it work out because I do like him. 
 

People can be unsure and make rash decisions. I thought maybe he regret rushing to the decision and wanted to try again. 

guys can continue having sex with you and not actually like you.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I thought maybe he did feel something towards me or else why come back

Because a lot of selfish people like to have a place-holder until they meet rhe person they want to date. 

This is why you need to be very wary of a guy who circles back around after he's already told you there is no spark. It usually isn't for the right reasons. 

[basil67]

On 12/1/2025 at 12:09 AM, PandaPanda said:

When he came back after the break up and want to date again, I agree but was being very cautious. He put in effort of texting me everyday, calling me every night before bed to talk until we fall asleep, and take me out on dates, being caring and attentive made me thought that he changed and maybe he does like me since he putting in efforts. That’s where I guess my feelings grew for him even more. 

Is this also the time when he'd returned and told you that he wasn't very attracted to you, didn't feel a spark and was actively looking to date other women....but you wanted to be a place holder?    @PandaPanda I say this kindly - you are actively stopping your own healing by rewriting the story you have with him.

[Acacia98]

On 12/1/2025 at 11:30 AM, PandaPanda said:

When he came back and want to try dating again I just thought maybe he wasn’t sure about his initial decision. I thought maybe he did feel something towards me or else why come back. I was just holding on to hope that it work out because I do like him. 
 

People can be unsure and make rash decisions. I thought maybe he regret rushing to the decision and wanted to try again. 

Dear PandaPanda,

Let's review some of the lessons you could learn from your experiences with this guy:

1. Some people will go out with you and spend time with you and enjoy themselves even when they're not really that attracted to you. Maybe they enjoy having someone spend money on them; maybe they enjoy being pampered and showered with praise. It gives them an ego boost. But they're not in love with you. If they meet someone they're very much attracted to, they will dump you and move on without any guilt.

2. You're not the first person to experience that, and you won't be the last. Most if not all of us have had something similar happen to us. So don't feel embarrassed about it. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or unlovable about you. It's  just something that happens because some people don't mind using other people. It's life.

3. People who do that to you have a bit of a selfish streak. And they can be a bit manipulative. So they might do little things here and there to make you feel like there's hope for something more. They do that so that you can continue doing the nice things that they enjoy. But they haven't fallen in love with you. 

4. Most people feel uncomfortable breaking up. Some people deal with the discomfort by pointing the finger at you and blaming you for everything under the sun. Don't make the mistake of taking their accusations seriously. Unfortunately, you've made just that mistake with this guy, and now he has you going round and round in circles, thinking that if you had done things differently, you would still be together. It was unkind of him to do that. You should view his actions as an indication that he really isn't a nice guy.

5. Allow yourself to get angry with people who treat you like crap. And use that anger to protect yourself by blocking such people and distancing yourself from them.

[PandaPanda]

Thank you @Acacia98, what you wrote make a lot of sense. It does make me feel sad that things like that happen often and I do feel ashamed of myself for falling for it so easily. 
 

it still hurt when I think back of all the things that happened and said. I’m not sure whether I’m hurt because of how I was treated or hurt because I couldn’t be with him. I don’t know if I miss him because I like him so much or I miss the feelings he gave me at the beginning when things was great. I find myself regretting not trying harder, but then I tell myself I won’t be happy in long term if how he treated me at the end of the relationship is his real self. I guess I’m just very conflicted, sad one minute and then ok again. I feel I’m going a bit crazy to be honest.

I hope in time I will forget about him and move on without regretting. I don’t want to keep feeling like his the one and that I lost the chance to be happy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I don’t want to keep feeling like his the one and that I lost the chance to be happy. 

He was definitely not the one.

There was no long-term potential here, and it wasn't because you didn't plan enough. 

8 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I miss the feelings he gave me at the beginning when things was great

You're placing way too much importance on the first few dates. He told you after the fourth date that he wasn't really into it  I don't see how things were therefore great in the beginning. They'd barely gotten off the ground when he hit you with this. I get that the first few dates were okay but it seems you got far too ahead of yourself in thinking this was going to be great. 

Try to keep better perspective next time and don't let men like this walk into and out of and back into your life.