I don't understand the breakup

[PandaPanda]

I was dating this guy for about 3 months, and have been on multiples dates and sleepover. Everything been really good, his very affectionate and caring. 

 

On our 4th date (1 month mark), out of nowhere he said, I really like you and care about you, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I have this ideal type in my mind and even though you’re beautiful and I’m attracted to you, you’re not my ideal type. He said he doesn’t want to drag things out since it be unfair on me.

We ended up stop seeing each other, but we couldn’t stop messaging each other. So we decided to continue dating. We want to see if it will work out.

He would message me throughout the day, call me every chance he gets. He take care of me, take me out to places to eat and do activities I want to try. His always very affectionate towards me, things were great and I thought maybe this time it will work out.

Then at our 2 and half months, I asked him how he feel about us and he told me that he felt conflicted, that he doesn’t think he can get over his obsession of having an ideal girlfriend, but he also really like me and care about me. 

I know this is a bad decision on my part but i really like him and don’t want this to end yet. So I suggested to him why don’t we continue dating but also see if we can find someone else better suited. He hesitated at first, but I convinced him that I will be ok and if he does find his ideal girl then we can breakup. 

I know this might not last but I want to enjoy my time with him as long as I can. On the weekend he said he wanted to visit me since his in my area. I hesitated at first and told him my parents are home. He said that fine and he want to help me with chores if I need to. He met my parents and they talked for a while, then he stayed for dinner and we watch a movie before he went home. 

I just don’t understand, if he want to find someone else and we won’t end up together, then why bother meeting my parents? Is it meeting parents not a big deal to him?

Edited 7 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

My guess is that meeting your parents is not a big deal to him.   When my daughter was dating, we had a revolving door of boys she met!  It didn't mean anything to her or us.   

[Gebidozo]

Meeting parents means very little or nothing at all. It’s possible to meet the parents of your one night stand, and it’s also possible to not meet the parents of the love of your life.

But that’s beside the point. The problem here is you continuing to date a guy who clearly said that he wanted to stop dating you because you weren’t his ideal girlfriend.

Judging by your description of him and of yourself, you guys are both very young, maybe still in your teens? You’re both acting immaturely. A grown up man should know that ideal girlfriends don’t exist, and learn what it means to date a real flesh and blood woman. And a grown up woman shouldn’t cling to a guy who still hasn’t figured that out.

Please have more self respect and find a man who wants you, not an imaginary ideal girlfriend.

 

 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

But that’s beside the point.

Exactly. You're setting yourself up badly to start trying to read meaning into every little thing because you're in love with hope.

Some people have a myopic focus that will prevent them from fully loving your unique value. That only speaks of their limits rather than of any reflection on you.

I hope you'll rethink the idea of sticking around to try to convert this guy. The longer you do this, the more of a mess this will become, and you'll both hurt worse from it. Even if he offered to marry you tomorrow, you will never be able to unhear the times he has tried to break up with you, and you will never trust that you are fully loved the way you deserve to be loved--and honey, that's just a miserable way to live.

Head high, respect your Self.

[PandaPanda]

Thank you everyone for your advice and comments. 
 

I know what I’m doing is really stupid. I have thought about it multiple times to walk away and be the one that break it off, but it just hurt so much when I think about it. I really like him, when I’m with him it feel so warm and relax. I can imagine being with him forever, even though I know it’s not going to happen. 
 

I just don’t get,if we get along so well, care about each other and like being with each other, why can’t he get over his obsession or whatever it is in his head. Won’t he miss me if I really gone forever. 

[glows]

What actually is his “ideal” woman. Are we talking superficial ideals like hair colour, eye colour, looks, stature or are we talking potentially critical differences such as culture, upbringing, religious differences, non acceptance of families, other issues that affect a long term relationship? 

Also why exactly is he such a catch when you’ve give him the green light to make you an option. 

regarding the parents, you’ve essentially given him the green light to date and act like a couple even though he told you you’re not his dream woman. Of course meeting the parents isn’t a big deal. You’re both past that stage because you kept convincing him it’s ok to treat you like an option. Okay? So opting out of a relationship with your parents is also ok! To him the whole thing is optional with perks. Not a lot of people are going to set boundaries if you basically roll out the red carpet on being treated as an option. 

Edited October 20 by glows

[PandaPanda]

He briefly told me that his ideal type is a bit of look and personality. So I guess I just fit into it perfectly. 
 

I can see that I have giving him a lot of green lights and that was stupid of me for letting him meet my parents. At the time I just thought there was no harm in it, but now I feel really upset. I guess for me meeting the parents was a big deal and it wasn’t right for me to let that happen.

His not the hottest guy to anything, but we connected really well and he just gets me. We laugh and talk and everything just feels easy, thats why I really like being around him. He makes me feel love and care for. I just feel happy when I’m around him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

Is it meeting parents not a big deal to him?

Apparently not, no. For some people, it means little. 

26 minutes ago, PandaPanda said:

He makes me feel love and care for. I just feel happy when I’m around him. 

And how loving and caring is it going to feel when he meets the next woman he wants to date and stops contacting you? Because that's what is going to happen. He has been clear he doesn't see you in his future. You are bineg very reckelss with your own heart here and you are going to get very hurt. 

44 minutes ago, PandaPanda said:

why can’t he get over his obsession or whatever it is in his head.

Because it's likely not about his "obsession" but rather that he simply doesn't see himself with you long-term. And it doesn't matter, really. When someone tells us the things he told you, it's our cue to stop dating that person. You're filling in the gap for him right now since he's still single, but when he meets someone else, he will be gone. 

46 minutes ago, PandaPanda said:

Won’t he miss me if I really gone foreve

Not the way you want him to, no. It's not likely. He isn't emotionally attached the way you are. 

For your own well-being, you really need to stop seeing him. 

[Gebidozo]

54 minutes ago, PandaPanda said:

why can’t he get over his obsession or whatever it is in his head.

I don’t think it’s an obsession, it’s either an infantile view or relationships (which means you shouldn’t date him) or simply his way to explain and justify the fact that he isn’t that much into you (which means you shouldn’t date him).

[glows]

2 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

He briefly told me that his ideal type is a bit of look and personality. So I guess I just fit into it perfectly. 
 

I can see that I have giving him a lot of green lights and that was stupid of me for letting him meet my parents. At the time I just thought there was no harm in it, but now I feel really upset. I guess for me meeting the parents was a big deal and it wasn’t right for me to let that happen.

His not the hottest guy to anything, but we connected really well and he just gets me. We laugh and talk and everything just feels easy, thats why I really like being around him. He makes me feel love and care for. I just feel happy when I’m around him. 

This doesn’t make sense. He said you’re NOT his ideal woman. Can you clarify a bit more what makes you think you fit his ideals? 

It’s also entirely plausible he has no idea what he’s talking about and confused.

since he’s not sure about you I wouldn’t be too hung up over him. Have a good time but keep your options open. I’m not suggesting you cheat or chat up other guys if you both agreed to being exclusive. If you haven’t then have fun chatting with other people and going out meeting other men. 

This sounds like a bit of a learning curve with meeting your parents. I wouldn’t worry too much about it bc what’s done is done and you can bet he’s probably not losing sleep on it or even giving it a second thought so why should you. Roll with it, tell yourself to think twice in future and enjoy your time together but don’t become overly invested. Sounds like you’re both enjoying each others company so have fun with it. Dont drown in it. 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I just don’t get,if we get along so well, care about each other and like being with each other, why can’t he get over his obsession or whatever it is in his head. Won’t he miss me if I really gone forever. 

I've learned to be wary of people who say something devastating about a relationship with someone and then continue dating that person. In my observation, people who do that are typically laying the groundwork for a scenario where the other person is so desperate to stay with them that he/she will not fuss when they start sleeping around. And remarkably, it works. You see, here you are now, giving him the wonderful relationship experience he wants but not expecting much from him in return. You're treating him nicely, having sex with him, introducing him to your parents, but he has no emotional responsibility whatsoever towards you. He can dump you tomorrow and you won't even be able to complain because you're the one who said it's okay for him to date you with one foot out the door.

The reason why you're still with him is because your self-esteem was low in the first place and then it was lowered even further by his rejection of you. The longer you stay in this relationship, the worse it will get. And by the time he dumps you, you will have a lot of hurt that it will take numerous  years and plenty of therapy to surmount. If you have even the smallest speck of love and respect for yourself, you will end this relationship and go no contact with this guy because the truth is that you're lying to yourself. You're pretending that you can handle this situation just fine when it's obvious that you want much more than he's offering.

He won't miss you as much as you'd like him to once you're no longer a part of his life.

[PandaPanda]

Thank you everyone for your advice and the break down of the situation in detail. I know it will be painful but I will break it off with him.

It is stupid of me to think he will eventually fall for me or appreciate me if I stick around and being caring and supportive towards him. This is just all hope and it’s not real, it’s time for me to snap out of it. 

[BaileyB]

You should never have to convince a man to date you.

He is telling you that he is going to drop you as soon as the “right” woman comes along… take that for what it is and make your decisions accordingly. 

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

Thank you everyone for your advice and the break down of the situation in detail. I know it will be painful but I will break it off with him.

It is stupid of me to think he will eventually fall for me or appreciate me if I stick around and being caring and supportive towards him. This is just all hope and it’s not real, it’s time for me to snap out of it. 

Very smart move. I can appreciate how much this hurts, but you are sparing yourself prolonged hurt that can harm you much worse. You will thank yourself for this. You are opening your door to finding a better love with someone who has the right vision to appreciate you fully. You deserve that, and you will have no doubts when you find him, and you will thank yourself again.

[glows]

5 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

Thank you everyone for your advice and the break down of the situation in detail. I know it will be painful but I will break it off with him.

It is stupid of me to think he will eventually fall for me or appreciate me if I stick around and being caring and supportive towards him. This is just all hope and it’s not real, it’s time for me to snap out of it. 

Agree. If you’re looking for someone who is confident about being with you long term this isn’t the man. 

At this time his words and actions don’t like up so even if you are a good fit and end up being his “ideal” he needs to be more consistent in his words and actions. Don’t waste your time with people who are inconsistent and/or contradictory to what you’re looking for.

Edited October 20 by glows

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

When my daughter was dating, we had a revolving door of boys she met!  It didn't mean anything to her or us.

This is how it was when I lived with my parents and was dating.  Actually it was the same way when I moved out, I always brought my dates as well as my friends over.  It means nothing except I loved my parents and knew others would too.

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I have thought about it multiple times to walk away and be the one that break it off, but it just hurt so much when I think about it.

If you think walking away at this point is going to hurt you have no idea how much pain you're going to be in when he meets his ideal and you come face to face with her.  Break up and save yourself.

[ShyViolet]

On 10/19/2025 at 7:30 PM, PandaPanda said:

I just don’t understand, if he want to find someone else and we won’t end up together, then why bother meeting my parents? Is it meeting parents not a big deal to him?

Who cares why he did it..... the bigger question is why would YOU introduce a guy to your parents who has flat-out told you that he isn't that into this relationship and wants to find someone better to date.  Why is your self-respect so low that you would keep trying to make it work with a guy who has said this to you?  The first time he said this to you, that should have been your cue to end this relationship.  Don't ever settle for someone who is unsure about you and who you have to "convince" to be with you.

[PandaPanda]

I know introducing him to my parents was a big mistake. I guess part of me wanted to see if he actually would turn up or maybe meeting my parents is a big deal to him too. 

I now know that it’s not a big deal for everyone and I was being very stupid to still hoping. I guess when he return the second time and told me how much he miss me and want to try again, I was hoping it was enough for him to change his mind about me. I just haven’t like anyone like I liked him, so it was hard to let go. I know not to continue anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I know not to continue anymore.

I gather you have told him you can't see him anymore, then?

[Els]

On 10/20/2025 at 9:30 AM, PandaPanda said:

I just don’t understand, if he want to find someone else and we won’t end up together, then why bother meeting my parents? Is it meeting parents not a big deal to him?

Yes, some people just don't think much about meeting the parents, to them it's like going over to a friend's house with the parents there. It doesn't necessarily carry the meaning that you are trying to extract out of it.

My college ex and I both met each others' parents pretty often. It was part of our culture, people just live with their parents and so you meet the parents at a very early stage. It didn't mean anything. I would classify our relationship as "monogamous but casual", we never talked about a future together and I think we both knew it was just a college thing. We split up within two years.

Quote

I know this is a bad decision on my part but i really like him and don’t want this to end yet. So I suggested to him why don’t we continue dating but also see if we can find someone else better suited. He hesitated at first, but I convinced him that I will be ok and if he does find his ideal girl then we can breakup. 

You said WHAT?!?!?! 

Girl. Please leave him, and please don't ever do this to yourself again.

Edited October 26 by Els

[PandaPanda]

Following up from my last post. I have now broken up with the guy I was dating for 3 months. He said I’m not the one and he can’t see a future with me and don’t believe we can be life partners.
 

I still don’t understand how can he say he can’t see a future with me when he doesn’t even know me that well yet. I can say for sure I don’t fully know him either. I couldn’t let the thought go so after the break up I asked him what make him think that. I also asked how do you know I’m not the one so early on without getting to know me.

He said he wanted that spark/romantic feelings, but he didn’t feel it when he met me. He said we’re great together and everything was good, his attracted to me, but it missing that extra percentage that he been looking for, the initial spark. 
 

He then said when we have to decide what to eat for lunch or dinner, I can’t seem to decide what to eat and it stress him out. I’m not being able to just pick a cuisine or a dish, make him feel he have to search a lot and end up making the decision because I couldn’t. I usually would tell give him 2 options of cuisine so he can choose, I never thought that was a problem and didn’t know it stress him out that much. 
 

Then he said when it come to going on date I don’t ever plan, it always him having to plan and it stress him out. I didn’t think that’s true. When I asked him what he want to do he always tell me to decide. I gave him a list of things we could do and ask him to pick from there since I don’t know what his interested in. So once he pick the activities we then agree we do it on a weekend we both free. He then said I don’t plan what time we should wake up, whether we should have lunch first or pack lunch, what time to go do the activity. He said I don’t plan, so he end up having to decide everything. I didn’t know he want it to be like a schedule, I thought we just decide as we go since there no set time for the activity. He didn’t communicate with me what was bothering him, I didn’t know it stress him out. If I knew I would have plan everything for us, I don’t mind planing. He then said I’m a little spoil, which is not true and it hurt a bit. 
 

Now I feel really bad for stressing him out. I started thinking if only I could make the decision on what food to eat he wouldn’t need to decide. If only I take the initiative to plan the date, he wouldn’t feel like he always doing it by himself and feel stress about it. It make me regret a lot and wish I did more, maybe then he wouldn’t break up with me. I just wish he communicate with me what was bothering him, it such a small issues that we could have resolve instead of breaking up. It makes me feel so frustrated and hurt. I can’t stop thinking about what if I did more, I plan more, I don’t create stress for him, maybe we will still be together then. 

[Gebidozo]

The breakup has nothing to do with stressing him out.

He said very clearly that he doesn’t feel the spark, isn’t attracted to you enough, and doesn’t see a future with you.

If that’s not a compelling reason for a breakup, then what is?

You did the right thing by breaking up with him. You deserve to be with a guy who really likes you and wants to be with you.

Choosing food is a very small thing, and if he get stressed out because of that, it’s entirely his problem.

Edited Thursday at 02:49 PM by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

He said very clearly that he doesn’t feel the spark, isn’t attracted to you enough, and doesn’t see a future with you.

I agree. 

The rest is just him throwing around random issues because he doesn't know what else to tell you, OP. He wasn't feeling it, and as much as that can hurt to hear, it's best to leave it there and not keep pressing for reasons. Sometimes we just don't feel the right interest in someone to continue dating. 

[PandaPanda]

I understand attraction or he didn’t feel the spark is an issue, but he still wanted to date me so I thought it something he can overcome. But maybe it was my indecisive that drove him away. 
 

I regret a lot not trying harder or plan more dates instead of leaving it for him to do. I wish I knew it stressed him out, I would have help or take over and do it on my own. I can’t stop blaming myself for this break up. He even made a comment that I should have try harder, but I stayed the same the whole time. It really hit hard when I heard that comment.