Surely this goes beyond acting

[FredEire]

21 minutes ago, SteveMonaro said:

Paternity test done.  Paid for expedited results.  Should know in 2-4 business days.

On a positive note for once, I think she has gone into mom mode.

She dropped the acting and is not even seeing other people and is being very loving and doting to me.

It's not all good though, she has said she can never be monogamous again but she does want to be with me as part of a loving family, we just have to work out what works best for us.

So everyone can cross their fingers for me for the paternity test.

Can never be monogamous again?

You seem to be somewhat considering keeping the relationship alive, which I find a bit alarming.

Of course if you are the father you should stick around in the sense of being the best most present Dad you can.

But in terms of the relationship it will do you nor them no favours trying to put it back together with sticky tape. Its better for a kid to learn that their parents had something and it didnt work out than witness their relationship slowly disintegrating.

[SteveMonaro]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

You seem to be somewhat considering keeping the relationship alive

I think I've just come to the realization that there are many differing types of relationships out there and they can all still be loving in their own way.

We may never have again what we once had but is it really that bad if we can lovingly live together but have "date nights" once or twice a month where we can see other people?

The conversation at the moment is around that with the sticking being frequency, I would like it once a month, maybe twice but she wants it at least once a week, preferably no limits. 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, SteveMonaro said:

I think I've just come to the realization that there are many differing types of relationships out there and they can all still be loving in their own way.

We may never have again what we once had but is it really that bad if we can lovingly live together but have "date nights" once or twice a month where we can see other people?

The conversation at the moment is around that with the sticking being frequency, I would like it once a month, maybe twice but she wants it at least once a week, preferably no limits. 

Yes it is that bad, for a whole host of reasons.

You have transitioned very quickly from being horrified at your gf wanting to do adult movies to being happy with sharing her with other dudes and scraps of affection.

That's going to create a massive power imbalance and its not going to leave you in a very good position, or your kid.

[SteveMonaro]

20 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You have transitioned very quickly

Yeah, I guess I have, but that's what having a child does to you, you make sacrifices.

The truth is that I would prefer her with me and me only but there's plenty of people that live in ENM relationships and maybe that can work for us.  Maybe it won't.  But I think it's worth a try.  I get that it's unconventional and that I've somewhat been "forced" into it by circumstance but I am open to exploring this willingly and with all my wits about me.  I'm very aware it might not work out. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

We may never have again what we once had but is it really that bad if we can lovingly live together but have "date nights" once or twice a month where we can see other people?

Only you can determine that. 

I personally think you are fooling yourself because the alternative - ending the marriage - is way too scary and painful to face. I don't think this is going to work out long term since you are not natrually wired this way and don't really want to be sharing her with anyone else. Yes, you might dip your toes into ENM  for a bit but I would not hold you breath that it's going to do much but hurt you even further. My guess is you are going to find it nearly impossble to "lovingly" live with her knowing she has dates and sex with other men. 

Be honest with yourself first and foremost moving forward. 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

is it really that bad if we can lovingly live together but have "date nights" once or twice a month where we can see other people?

I imagine that there are a few people out there for whom it wouldn’t be that bad. But it will certainly be very bad for you.

You are essentially forcing yourself to accept conditions that are unacceptable to you. You are convincing yourself that you’ll be fine with that, but that’s an illusion.

You are acting out of fear and out of weakness. This means that, should you really go through with the unfortunate decision to get back together with your wife, you’ll have to start living a lie and repress your natural aversion. This won’t end well.

[FredEire]

13 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

Yeah, I guess I have, but that's what having a child does to you, you make sacrifices.

The truth is that I would prefer her with me and me only but there's plenty of people that live in ENM relationships and maybe that can work for us.  Maybe it won't.  But I think it's worth a try.  I get that it's unconventional and that I've somewhat been "forced" into it by circumstance but I am open to exploring this willingly and with all my wits about me.  I'm very aware it might not work out. 

The thing about sacrifices is that they have to be necessary and not crossing a personal line, wherein you give yourself and your values up in the process. Its a tricky balance but I think in this case it's pretty clear.

Accepting you'll have less sleep/rest time/time for hobbies because of your child - that's a sacrifice any decent parent has to make.

Signing up to a style of relationship you fundamentally don't agree with, thats something else entirely and it's not something you have to put yourself through. It will inevitably lead to resentment.

Don't "stay together for the kids". Much as it's comfortable and people think it's a better option, its not going to do the kid any favours either in the long run.

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

But it will certainly be very bad for you.

And the child.  Seriously, OP, is this the sort of relationship you want to model for your child?

[SteveMonaro]

@Gebidozo @ExpatInItaly @FredEire @Sony12 @introverted1

Thanks you to all who replied here but especially those I tagged, although it may have sounded like I was resisting the advice I was listening and taking it all in.

It is now confirmed, surprisingly to me but I guess not to people here, that my lying sl*t ex is pregnant by another man.

I still dumbfounded, something has changed in her, this is not who she is, well actually it is who she is, it's just not who she was, but not my problem anymore, there is nothing tying me to this situation so we are done.  I would love to be inside her head and know what changed. 

I pleaded with her one last time just for some closure to come clean. It really didn't matter but I guess it's always better to know. No doubt I still don't have the whole truth but she basically turned me into a stupid cuck 10 years ago. How blind was I? And the stupid cow is still asking for forgiveness. Damn right I would be the best dad for the kid but she can go test a dozen other people to find the real one cos I AM DONE ! 

Thank you all again. Your advice got through in the end. Where to from here? I have no idea. Living without a cheating wife will be a good start. 

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, SteveMonaro said:

@Gebidozo @ExpatInItaly @FredEire @Sony12 @introverted1

Thanks you to all who replied here but especially those I tagged, although it may have sounded like I was resisting the advice I was listening and taking it all in.

It is now confirmed, surprisingly to me but I guess not to people here, that my lying sl*t ex is pregnant by another man.

I still dumbfounded, something has changed in her, this is not who she is, well actually it is who she is, it's just not who she was, but not my problem anymore, there is nothing tying me to this situation so we are done.  I would love to be inside her head and know what changed. 

I pleaded with her one last time just for some closure to come clean. It really didn't matter but I guess it's always better to know. No doubt I still don't have the whole truth but she basically turned me into a stupid cuck 10 years ago. How blind was I? And the stupid cow is still asking for forgiveness. Damn right I would be the best dad for the kid but she can go test a dozen other people to find the real one cos I AM DONE ! 

Thank you all again. Your advice got through in the end. Where to from here? I have no idea. Living without a cheating wife will be a good start. 

Sorry to hear that man.

It may not feel like it now but in a way you've dodged a massive bullet in the sense that you can now completely remove her from your life.

I think it's important to take some time for yourself now to process things, as it's going to be a lot to deal with emotionally. Get closer to friends and family, maybe get more into hobbies etc, just keep yourself busy and try not to ruminate on things too much.

I think in the end things played out about as well as they could have. It says a whole lot more about her than you.

[SteveMonaro]

28 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It says a whole lot more about her than you.

That it does. She doesn't even know who the dad is. It was me or 3, three, THREE, THREE others guys!!!
THREE!!! I feel sorry for the guy who tests positive. 
This is what I mean when I says something has broken in her and I don't know what or why. A second man might be normal, but three?!?!?! 
I really did dodge a bullet. 
I'm actually happy it's worked out this way but I feel like a complete and utter fool not picking up on this.
How was she having sex with 4 different guys during that conception period and I just though she was going to rehearsal, to see friends etc.
Anyway, she'll probably have a porn site up by the end of the week the way things are going if she hasn't already secretly done one of those behind my stupid back.

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, SteveMonaro said:

I feel sorry for the guy who tests positive. 

Speaking of tests, please get yourself to a doctor immediatley for a full STI panel and HIV test.

And then get re-tested at your doctor's recommended intervals, as certain illnesses have an incubation period and don't always show up right away. This woman has been incredibly reckless and you may wind up paying the price wirh your health on a whole other level. 

 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

@Gebidozo @ExpatInItaly @FredEire @Sony12 

It is now confirmed, surprisingly to me but I guess not to people here, that my lying sl*t ex is pregnant by another man.

(...)

No doubt I still don't have the whole truth but she basically turned me into a stupid cuck 10 years ago. How blind was I? 

(...)

Thank you all again. Your advice got through in the end. Where to from here? I have no idea. Living without a cheating wife will be a good start. 

I'm sorry for the painful experience. But I'm glad she finally came clean. I've been reading the discussion quietly. I honestly suspected she was cheating on you long before she gave you the story about going into acting. I also thought that the porn thing was a way to introduce the subject of non-monogamy and normalize it. Perhaps it was getting harder for her to hide the fact that she was sleeping around.

For your sake, I'm glad the baby isn't yours. At least now you will be more likely to be kind to yourself and to allow yourself to move forward.

Edited Tuesday at 07:17 AM by Acacia98

[SteveMonaro]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Speaking of tests, please get yourself to a doctor immediatley for a full STI panel and HIV test.

Yes mate, that's been done.

[SteveMonaro]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I honestly suspected she was cheating on you long before she gave you the story about going into acting.

Well yeah, I have stories to tell, they don't make any difference at the end of the day but it's simply amazes me how people try to justify their actions with insane interpretations of logic. I could post a 10,000 word essay from what she's shared and I don't believe I have anywhere near full disclosure.

The first time she cheated was going to a swingers club. She did it for me. She actually told me that with a straight face. Friends of ours had come out as swingers six months earlier and she was dead against the idea but I expressed a curiosity about it so she went to test the waters to see if she liked it enough to do it for me. I laughed in her face, I couldn't help it, it was a reflex action, I've never heard anything so absurd. She realized she could never see me with anyone else and that's why it went nowhere. She ONLY slept with a guy and a couple, and yes she emphasized only.

I loved her so much but as I've said before something broke inside her. I would love to know what it was. How does someone go from being so disgusted by friends telling us they're swingers that we basically stopped seeing them to I'm going off alone behind my husbands back in just six months? And then going hey that was fun I'm just going to become a total wh*re. I mean if she had even one shred of decency just break up with me and do what you want. She swears she's sorry but I think she's just sorry she got caught out. 

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

@Gebidozo @ExpatInItaly @FredEire @Sony12 @introverted1

Thanks you to all who replied here but especially those I tagged, although it may have sounded like I was resisting the advice I was listening and taking it all in.

It is now confirmed, surprisingly to me but I guess not to people here, that my lying sl*t ex is pregnant by another man.

I still dumbfounded, something has changed in her, this is not who she is, well actually it is who she is, it's just not who she was, but not my problem anymore, there is nothing tying me to this situation so we are done.  I would love to be inside her head and know what changed. 

I pleaded with her one last time just for some closure to come clean. It really didn't matter but I guess it's always better to know. No doubt I still don't have the whole truth but she basically turned me into a stupid cuck 10 years ago. How blind was I? And the stupid cow is still asking for forgiveness. Damn right I would be the best dad for the kid but she can go test a dozen other people to find the real one cos I AM DONE ! 

Thank you all again. Your advice got through in the end. Where to from here? I have no idea. Living without a cheating wife will be a good start. 

Oof.  I am sorry to hear this.  I am glad you were able to get the testing done early, rather than bonding over a pregnancy where you thought she was carrying your child.

I am glad you are having the STI testing, too.  You may also want to consider talking to a counselor if you find your emotions taking over (which would be completely understandable under the circumstances). Take care of you.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, SteveMonaro said:

She swears she's sorry but I think she's just sorry she got caught out. 

You nailed it. When people show you who they are, believe them. 

Get out and go no contact.  Let the lawyers handle any communication that needs to happen. Nothing good will come of interacting with her.  

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

Well yeah, I have stories to tell, they don't make any difference at the end of the day but it's simply amazes me how people try to justify their actions with insane interpretations of logic. I could post a 10,000 word essay from what she's shared and I don't believe I have anywhere near full disclosure.

The first time she cheated was going to a swingers club. She did it for me. She actually told me that with a straight face. Friends of ours had come out as swingers six months earlier and she was dead against the idea but I expressed a curiosity about it so she went to test the waters to see if she liked it enough to do it for me. I laughed in her face, I couldn't help it, it was a reflex action, I've never heard anything so absurd. She realized she could never see me with anyone else and that's why it went nowhere. She ONLY slept with a guy and a couple, and yes she emphasized only.

I loved her so much but as I've said before something broke inside her. I would love to know what it was. How does someone go from being so disgusted by friends telling us they're swingers that we basically stopped seeing them to I'm going off alone behind my husbands back in just six months? And then going hey that was fun I'm just going to become a total wh*re. I mean if she had even one shred of decency just break up with me and do what you want. She swears she's sorry but I think she's just sorry she got caught out. 

So you were aware of the fact she was cheating in the past but it was framed as experimentation and doing it as a favour to you?

None of us know the ins and outs of your psychology or relationship dynamic so there probably isnt going to be an "answer" (even for you since you can't and probably don't want to ready her mind), but my read is that your boundaries got walked all over at some point and from there she just kept pushing them.

It seems to be a pretty common thing when LTRs slowly erode. One partner is unhappy, they do something unreasonable and unfair, the other accepts it to appease them and smooth it over, the other loses respect and learns the unacceptable is now acceptable, etc.

Of everything I've learned recently about love and relationships, it seems to me that boundaries are the absolute number one thing. So that might be something to focus on moving into the future, when you are ready to meet someone new.

For now though I think you should focus entirely on healing and coming back to yourself. Try and live in the present and avoid ruminating too much on her or self-medicating with booze/substances etc.

[SteveMonaro]

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

So you were aware of the fact she was cheating in the past but it was framed as experimentation and doing it as a favour to you?

No, these are things I'm learning now. I asked her to come clean to give some closure and I find out that plus many other things. 

[ExpatInItaly]

And you never had any inking whatsoever thay she's been messing around behind your back for years? 

I ask because some cheaters are very good at hiding their behaviour, yes - however, the way you accepted her complete nonsense about her "acting" (until reality bodychecked you into the boards) makes me wonder if you have turned a blind eye to your gut at other times too. 

[SteveMonaro]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And you never had any inking whatsoever thay she's been messing around behind your back for years? 

What can I say, I loved unconditionally, I trusted unconditionally. Never again. 

I look back now and there were signs everywhere, how my mates didn't see them too and say something to me I don't know. 

I guess I just treated her as I wanted to be treated. If I went out to a bar and then didn't make it home until 9am the next day because I crashed on a mates couch then that is exactly what happened. She never questioned me. I look back now and realize she did that so many times but from what I know now there's every chance she was with someone. I was just stupid I guess. I can picture in my mind now those times she walked through the door looking like she had been f**king all night but I just put it down to a hard night sleeping on a couch. I don't know what to say really, maybe I wasn't attentive enough and should have picked up on it.

What I hate most about this is that I will never trust again. I don't want to be that person questioning a partner about where they've been because they're a couple of hours late home but I'm fearful that is who I've become.

[Gebidozo]

27 minutes ago, SteveMonaro said:

What I hate most about this is that I will never trust again.

I hope you will, if you want to be in a relationship again some day. A serious relationship is not possible without trust.

There is a huge difference between trusting a partner who hasn’t given you any reason to mistrust them and reluctantly agreeing to suspicious, boundary-disrespecting sexual activities, which is what happened in your case.

She wanted to do porn films and she explicitly told you that she couldn’t be monogamous. She basically spelled out for you that she wanted to sleep with other men or was already doing that. This wasn’t about trust, it was about choosing to stay with someone who clearly wanted to have sexual adventures outside of  your relationship.

There are plenty of women out there who aren’t interested in that kind of stuff. There would be no reason to mistrust them if they show no signs of that tendency.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

She never questioned me. I look back now and realize she did that so many times

I suppose I also wonder why a married woman was even out like that so many times, all night, not coming home until the next morning. Maybe a one-off, I could see. But the fact she apparently was hanging out in bars like that so frequently would have raised an eyebrow for me in and of itself. 

8 hours ago, SteveMonaro said:

I look back now and there were signs everywhere, how my mates didn't see them too and say something to me I don't know. 

They may well have seen it but simply didn't feel it was their place to bring it up to you. Sometimes nobody wants to volunteer to be the one in those hushed "Who's going to tell him?"-type conversations.

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I suppose I also wonder why a married woman was even out like that so many times, all night, not coming home until the next morning. Maybe a one-off, I could see. But the fact she apparently was hanging out in bars like that so frequently would have raised an eyebrow for me in and of itself. 

They may well have seen it but simply didn't feel it was their place to bring it up to you. Sometimes nobody wants to volunteer to be the one in those hushed "Who's going to tell him?"-type conversations.

I know married couples who still like going out and socialising, settling into being homebodies isnt for everyone especially if you dont have kids to look after.

The key difference though is they would usually be together. The odd girls/boys night alone wouldnt be unusual but I agree going solo all the time is a bit odd.