clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I went out with a guy only three times after a lot of e-mails(two months worth). Due to our schedules it took us a while to find a time to get together. I was out of town for business then Thanksgiving, etc. and he is really busy finishing up his doctorate while working full time. So he asked me out on the first two dates and we had a blast. I asked him to do something on the third date and once again we had a great time. He sent me an e-mail the next day saying he had a good time and i responded that I did as well. Well, a week has passed and neither one of us has e-mailed or called, etc. Note that I did respond to his e-mail so technically it wa shis turn to get back to me ;-). No kissing has even been done yet. So my question is obviously there is not that "spark" on his end or he would have kissed me and contacted me. On my end I am fine with us not dating because if I had really been interested I would at least be a little bummed right now. However, I would like to write him an e-mail saying something to the effect that while dating doesn't appear to be in the cards for us we always had a lot of fun together and if he would be up for it I would enjoy continuing to getting to know him and being friends. Can/Should I do this? We are both in our late 20's and have other friends of the opposite sex. If I should do this how should i phrase it. I've never done this before, usually if I don't want to date a guy I certainly do not want to be his friend but we had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, a lot in common but not too much that we boringly agreed on everything. Everything seems to be there for the start of a friendship.
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Is anyone out there Your opinion would be much appreciated.
Lishy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Honey dont do it - You will seem needy and desperate and he will read it wrong. How do you feel about him? Do you like him aot? Do you feel that you could develop feelings for him?
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 No I don't feel like I could develop feelings for him, just that we got to know each other quite a bit before we went out on our dates and we had fun so I would enjoy having him in my life as a "friend" if we continued to enjoy each others company. I have a lot of friends of the opposite sex and since we didn't get physical we were pretty much friends anyway. If I feel this way and he also enjoyed my comapny why whould I appear desperate if I said exactly that? I'm dating other people and I haven't done any desperate trademark things :-)...ie calling him or writing him e-mails except in response to his.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I think it would be fine to contact him in this way. I've had a couple of dates that rapidly ended as friendships. To me what you're proposing sounds strong and confident, not weak and desperate.
bluechocolate Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 As I was reading I was thinking, 'Yes, why not be friends? You seem to be OK with that.' So my question is obviously there is not that "spark" on his end or he would have kissed me and contacted me. I would agree with you there. The best thing to do would be to wait to hear from him. As you said, the ball is in his court now, he knows that too. Normally I don't advocate playing that 'I called - now they must call' game, but it was only three dates so some initiative has to come from him, otherwise you set the tone for your relationship in the future, be it friend or lover.
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Normally I don't advocate playing that 'I called - now they must call' game, but it was only three dates so some initiative has to come from him, otherwise you set the tone for your relationship in the future, be it friend or lover. No I agree with you. Once it's been established two people are dating then I think who ever wants to call should call, none of that well it's his turn stuff. However, in the beginning i think it's important to gauge how much to contact by how much they contact you.
barfool Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 It's only been a week since he has contacted you and he sounds like a very busy man. Don't go immediately saying "you didn't call me for a week so now we are just friends." I've always been of the opinion that if you want to contact someone a healthy amount then do it. If you do contact him that don't give him a lot of pressure about "why didn't you call me?" Just go ahead and be a good friend and if he wants to date then he will make it apparent.
Lishy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 No I don't feel like I could develop feelings for him, just that we got to know each other quite a bit before we went out on our dates and we had fun so I would enjoy having him in my life as a "friend" if we continued to enjoy each others company. I have a lot of friends of the opposite sex and since we didn't get physical we were pretty much friends anyway. If I feel this way and he also enjoyed my comapny why whould I appear desperate if I said exactly that? I'm dating other people and I haven't done any desperate trademark things :-)...ie calling him or writing him e-mails except in response to his. If you are sure you just want to be his friend then there is no need for an email! Just call him and say you like being his 'friend' and ask him if he fancies going out for a drink sometime as you enjoy his company. An email just seems too impersonal and if you are friends then you should be fine just calling. The calling 'rule' as such, only applies when you are romantically involved. As long as you are sure you do not want anymore and that you are not secretly hoping that his feelings for you grow because then you could end up a tad heartbroken. Then again maybe things will progress with you both!
alphamale Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 However, I would like to write him an e-mail saying something to the effect that while dating doesn't appear to be in the cards for us we always had a lot of fun together and if he would be up for it I would enjoy continuing to getting to know him and being friends. Can/Should I do this? the only reason you want to be "friends" with him is to eventually snag him romantically. Personally, I'd forget about being friends with him. Move on.
Yamaha Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 If you are sure you just want to be his friend then there is no need for an email! Just call him and say you like being his 'friend' and ask him if he fancies going out for a drink sometime as you enjoy his company. An email just seems too impersonal and if you are friends then you should be fine just calling. The calling 'rule' as such, only applies when you are romantically involved. As long as you are sure you do not want anymore and that you are not secretly hoping that his feelings for you grow because then you could end up a tad heartbroken. Then again maybe things will progress with you both! I agree. Friends do not wait for the other to contact them. If you really do not have romantic feelings ( and I have my doubts as you are posting about his lack of contact on LS ) and he feels the same then by all means be friends. Just bring it up to him and see how he responds.
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 the only reason you want to be "friends" with him is to eventually snag him romantically. Personally, I'd forget about being friends with him. Move on. Believe it or not not all woman are anxiously trying to snag all men. I have a lot of guy friends and I think he would be fun to hang out with. I'm an adult and if I really wanted to "snag him" I would be much more direct (I would have contacted him and asked him out, gone in for a kiss, etc.)
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 I agree. Friends do not wait for the other to contact them. If you really do not have romantic feelings ( and I have my doubts as you are posting about his lack of contact on LS ) and he feels the same then by all means be friends. Just bring it up to him and see how he responds. The only reason I was hesitating is because we have been dating, ie he's paid, made comments about us "dating" etc. So, I wasn't posting on LS about his lack of contact, as I'm a big girl and could have contatced him and yes I understand we are both very busy. In fact I was posting seeing how to get across to him that I would like to continue to getting to know him as friends w/o it appearing as that line that so many woman say, "Let's just be friends" which usually means I'm trying to let you down gently and I hope you never contact me again."
alphamale Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I have a lot of guy friends listen sister....spending time with your harem of male "friends" is going to help to keep you from finding a man you can have a real romantic relationship with. Try to spend less time cultivating male "friends" and more time trying to cultivate male "lovers"..... move on, as I said earlier.
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 It's only been a week since he has contacted you and he sounds like a very busy man. Don't go immediately saying "you didn't call me for a week so now we are just friends." . I'm not saying let's be friends just because he hasn't contatced me. More so because if I was really interested in him I would have been a little anxious for him to call and I would also be anxiously awaiting that first kiss. Reality is that I don't feel that spark and I think it's safe to say he doesn't either.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I disagree Alpha. Because women CAN be friends with a guy, especially if she has NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO HIM. As soon as she meets a guy who turns her cranks, she will still have those guys as friends...Maybe they won't be seeing as much of her one on one, but they will still be friends.
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 listen sister....spending time with your harem of male "friends" is going to help to keep you from finding a man you can have a real romantic relationship with. Try to spend less time cultivating male "friends" and more time trying to cultivate male "lovers"..... move on, as I said earlier. Harem....dear lord I don't have a harem. I work in a male dominated career and some of my hobbies also tend to be male dominated. As a result I've made soem great guy friends who also have benefited from getting know many of my girlfriends. Also, I wasn't trying to cultivate him as friend, hence that's why we dated but if I meet someone and appreciate them as a person I'm not going to autmoatically rule out a friendship because he has a penis. If you really don't have any girls that are your friends then I feel bad for you because friends of the opposite sex are just as important as friends of the same.
alphamale Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I disagree Alpha. Because women CAN be friends with a guy, especially if she has NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO HIM. well in this situation the guy will ususaly have sexual attraction to her and thats why he'll want to be "friends" with her. so he'll just be wasting his time being buddies with her cause he won't get smack off of her. meanwhile he'll be pining secretly over her hoping she'll see the light and come around romantically while he's jacking off 3x per day and letting all those other possible romantic opportunites pass him by... men and women shold not be friends unless they are already in a romantic relationship w/ each other. Period.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 well in this situation the guy will ususaly have sexual attraction to her and thats why he'll want to be "friends" with her. so he'll just be wasting his time being buddies with her cause he won't get smack off of her. meanwhile he'll be pining secretly over her hoping she'll see the light and come around romantically while he's jacking off 3x per day and letting all those other possible romantic opportunites pass him by... men and women shold not be friends unless they are already in a romantic relationship w/ each other. Period. That is HIS problem then, not hers. If he can't control his sexual feelings/thoughts about her and accept the situation as it is, then it is HIS loss not having her as a friend if he chooses to walk away. Who knows what good she brings into his life as a platonic friend. I think men and women CAN be friends on some sort of level. I mean, do you ever just go to lunch with afew ladies from the office? It doesn't always have to revolve around 'feelings and sexual feelings' ya know.
SmoochieFace Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 You guys don't know the ladder theory? Ah jeez... more *pop-culture* rubbish. *sigh*
Author clpvsp Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 well in this situation the guy will ususaly have sexual attraction to her and thats why he'll want to be "friends" with her. so he'll just be wasting his time being buddies with her cause he won't get smack off of her. meanwhile he'll be pining secretly over her hoping she'll see the light and come around romantically while he's jacking off 3x per day and letting all those other possible romantic opportunites pass him by... QUOTE] I wouldn't ask him to be friends if I got the vibe of any sexual attraction. Plus if he was able to fight off the urge to kiss me when I was all done up for our dates I'm sure he can control himself when we hang out and I'm in my baseball hat no makeup and kicking his butt at a game of raquetball :-)
SmoochieFace Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 WTF is the ladder theory. Enlighten me! Google it under these terms: ladder theory relationships and read the W***pedia article on it. Bunch o' BS...
noclobber Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I went out with a guy only three times after a lot of e-mails(two months worth). Due to our schedules it took us a while to find a time to get together. I was out of town for business then Thanksgiving, etc. and he is really busy finishing up his doctorate while working full time. So he asked me out on the first two dates and we had a blast. I asked him to do something on the third date and once again we had a great time. He sent me an e-mail the next day saying he had a good time and i responded that I did as well. Well, a week has passed and neither one of us has e-mailed or called, etc. Note that I did respond to his e-mail so technically it wa shis turn to get back to me ;-). No kissing has even been done yet. So my question is obviously there is not that "spark" on his end or he would have kissed me and contacted me. On my end I am fine with us not dating because if I had really been interested I would at least be a little bummed right now. However, I would like to write him an e-mail saying something to the effect that while dating doesn't appear to be in the cards for us we always had a lot of fun together and if he would be up for it I would enjoy continuing to getting to know him and being friends. Can/Should I do this? We are both in our late 20's and have other friends of the opposite sex. If I should do this how should i phrase it. I've never done this before, usually if I don't want to date a guy I certainly do not want to be his friend but we had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, a lot in common but not too much that we boringly agreed on everything. Everything seems to be there for the start of a friendship. hi clpvsp, i am just curious to know this whole "lets just be friends" thing that women say. i have never seen or heard of a guy wanting friendship with a woman once romance is ruled out. as a woman can you answer the following questions: 1) do you want to be friends with this guy only because you enjoy hanging out with him or is there something more to it? 2) how far would you go to be friends with this guy? like, if he doesn't like the idea and walks away what would you do? would you feel heart-broken? 3) if he agress to be your friend would you want to meet him every single day? how much time would like to spend with him? 4) what are all the things that you would talk with this guy? you both started dating and then decide to be friends. given this fact would you talk about a guy that you are dating or seeing? thanks
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