Psychology behind chasing

[marcusantonio]

Hi!

I've always been curious about this, partly because I like to understand how relationships work, and partly to see what other people do wrong and see if I can learn something.

In short, this female friend of mine is always complaining about how her current husband, with whom she has two children, doesn't commit. I can mention a few things:

1) Before their second child, she was desperate because they were planning to have it, but he didn't seem very happy. Then she managed to get pregnant, and after the baby was born, everyone was happy and content, and he would always jokingly repeat to her, "Well, you know, Mommy loved you so much," or "You wanted this baby so much," and laugh, or he would jokingly say to the little boy,  "Daddy didn't want you, but here you are."

2) She wants him to make plans for them, like scheduling vacations, going out, and many other things, but in the end, it's always her doing that gets things done. Like their marriage, she was waiting the proposal but at the end He never did it, and was Her doing so.

Everything, from children to marriage, was always something she came up with, and he slowly accepted her requests, to keep her on tenterhooks. And this friend of mine was always complaining that something was wrong, and then when she got it, they were happily ever after. The cycle repeats for every stage of a couple's life.

Basically, what didn't convince me was knowing that when she was planning on having their second child, she posted on social media that their relationship was ending, precisely because she felt "insecure" about her relationship with her current husband, and she pretended to be "interested" or "flirting" with other men, just to see his reaction. I've never understood why she didn't simply break away from this man, rather than having to demand his attention.

What drives people to behave this way?

From what little I can gather, this person has already been damaged by this man's behavior.
Furthermore, she has low self-esteem, which prevents her from loving herself. In fact, I've seen her at times in her life search for strength within herself, but in the end she gives in, perhaps because he provides a lifestyle, or she simply remembers that she has to "cage" him somehow to allow him to provide for the children.

I truly believe that ultimately, for these types of people, there are two solutions: The first is to simply stay in their current situation; the second is to understand what they're going through and realize that the person they're with isn't healthy. Once they've experienced being with someone who loves them and creates a safe place for them, they can never go back.

Have you experienced this too?

[Gebidozo]

This is an example of the old, obsolete psychology of patriarchal relationships, when the main goal in life, especially for women, was considered having and keeping a spouse at all costs.

Your friend clearly values keeping her husband physically at the expense of her personal happiness, self-respect, and freedom. That’s why she’ll chase him when needed and won’t see that as humiliating.

This mentality still surfaces today occasionally, especially in backward societies. I’ve heard women from a certain non-Western country where I grew up say too many times how they resort to all sorts of tricks and manipulations to “keep” their husbands should they become disinterested. They even forgive their incessant cheating as long as they provide and come home at night, and sometimes have affairs themselves.

Ultimately, this stems from objectification of people and a materialistic approach to life. When people believe that the goal of life is to have things, then spouses also become those things, just very valuable ones. Happiness, freedom, and meaningful connections are sacrificed to getting and keeping objects.