Incompatibilities and his gaming addiction

[flow28]

Hi all, I'd like to ask for some advice. My boyfriend of 10 months recently broke up with me but then wanted to come back, and I agreed. He claimed he was sorry & that he wanted to fix things, and that he did it out of anger. Perhaps I naively believed him. I'm his first girlfriend. He's always been sweet to me, buying me gifts, asking me how I was, telling me he loved me "greatly" and that he wanted children & marriage. He helped me return to university and recover from my previous breakup and depression. I agreed to go to therapy because he insisted. Right now we live together.

 

 

We're very different. He likes to surround himself with his uni female friends whom he texts a lot, and his male friends. I only have one female friend and she lives in a different city, no male friends. I used to be very jealous about his female friends but with time I accepted him texting them regularly. However, I've set a boundary - I don't want him to hang out with them alone. He doesn't like the fact that, as he calls it, I'm "interfering" with his free time and relationships. He says he can't go out with a male friend alone because I always want to tag along. He wants to go out with male friends at least once a week. I have trust issues because I'm afraid he'll say he's going with his male friend but it'll actually be the female "friend." That he'll cheat on me without me even knowing. These girls are in relationships, and it's possible I have no real reason to worry, but I still feel uneasy. One of them suggested to him to go abroad for an internship together during the summer because "she didn't want to go alone," but he said he was going to the States with me that summer. I think it's strange she'd suggest something like that to a male "friend" when she has a boyfriend. On such a long trip they'd probably spend majority of the time together which builds emotional intimacy.

 

 

Furthermore, I don't like that he spends all his free time playing video games after work, or when we're not doing anything together. It really irritates me.  I can't motivate myself to improve or do something productive because he's always gaming. He claims I'm demanding and "training" him. I also don't want to live with someone who has no ambition or goals beyond sitting in front of their PC. I think he's obsessed with gaming and sees no way to change or limit it. I've come up with various activities for us, like volunteering, an exchange program in the States or language classes, but other than that it's still the same - gaming. He says me calling it "concern" or "wanting good for him" (that's how I expressed it when I talked about him limiting gaming) is ridiculous. He says he likes his gamer lifestyle, and that it's his passion. He needs a lot of rest from me, and he's said before that he feels overwhelmed by me. So why even suggest we move in together if he's so tired of me already? He once called me names when we argued, such as a "princess" or his "mom." His friends and family also say I'm controlling. He told them about our problems. On the other hand, my friends and family are on my side, and most people will agree with their friend or family member.

 

 

I wanted to go to couples therapy but he already gave me an ultimatum: either I stop controlling his free time and relationships, or we end it. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. It's like talking to a brick wall, and there's  constant attacking back that I'm the problem. If he can't face these problems, what if we have kids or a mortgage? I don't know if he cares about me or if he's into me, or if he cares about us both feeling good in this relationship. I told him this, and he claims he does, otherwise he "would have dumped me long ago after finding out I'd been kicked out of uni" (I waited a long time to tell him back then). I'm shocked he's considering breaking up again over something like this. Breakups are hard for me.

 

 

What should I do? Is there even any point in trying? Is he looking for an excuse to break up because he's bored with me? Do people these days just want to replace people instead of fixing things? I don't know if the problem is me, or if he's just unwilling to put in the effort and has other priorities than our relationship. I feel like he's just shown he doesn't love me. Does he even care?

[ShyViolet]

My first thought is why on earth are you living with a boyfriend who you've been with for 10 months?  WHY?  And not only that, but a boyfriend who has already dumped you once.  Did you move in with him before or after the "breakup"?  At what point in the relationship did you move in?

25 minutes ago, flow28 said:

I wanted to go to couples therapy but he already gave me an ultimatum: either I stop controlling his free time and relationships, or we end it.

Absolutely not, you don't go to couples counseling when you've only been dating 10 months.  That is beyond ridiculous.  If there are already this many problems at 10 months of dating, then you are not compatible and you need to end it.  You don't try to force a bad relationship to work by dragging yourselves in to couples counseling.

You need to move out and end it.

[Gebidozo]

It’s hard to understand why you moved in with your boyfriend after only 10 months of dating. It’s also puzzling that you’d take him back after he broke up with you, without resolving any of your problems.

To be honest, I’d feel controlled too if you were my girlfriend and kept tagging along whenever I meet my friends, male or female. I also wouldn’t like it if you kept criticizing my hobbies.

If you feel that he crosses your boundaries or doesn’t have the same views of what’s important in life as you, just break up with him.

Couples counseling is for people who have problems after 20 years of being together or something, not for someone who’s still in the initial stages of relationship.

[flow28]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

My first thought is why on earth are you living with a boyfriend who you've been with for 10 months?  WHY?  And not only that, but a boyfriend who has already dumped you once.  Did you move in with him before or after the "breakup"?  At what point in the relationship did you move in?

Absolutely not, you don't go to couples counseling when you've only been dating 10 months.  That is beyond ridiculous.  If there are already this many problems at 10 months of dating, then you are not compatible and you need to end it.  You don't try to force a bad relationship to work by dragging yourselves in to couples counseling.

You need to move out and end it.

We already lived together before but recently I moved in permanently. I know it may seem very early but we both felt like making such a step. I moved in permanently after we made up. 

[flitzanu]

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

We're very different. He likes to surround himself with his uni female friends whom he texts a lot, and his male friends. I only have one female friend and she lives in a different city, no male friends. I used to be very jealous about his female friends but with time I accepted him texting them regularly. However, I've set a boundary -

your jealousy is your issue, not his.  setting "boundaries" is coming off as controlling.  i'm assuming these friends were there long before you.

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

That he'll cheat on me without me even knowing. These girls are in relationships, and it's possible I have no real reason to worry, but I still feel uneasy.

you just described cheating.  no one gets to know they will be cheated on, and just because a girl and boy are near each other doesnt mean they will cheat.  are you going to cheat on your boyfriend just because you're near another male?

3 hours ago, flow28 said:

Furthermore, I don't like that he spends all his free time playing video games after work, or when we're not doing anything together. It really irritates me. 

so you don't support or enjoy him having an outlet?  does he get to hate everything you enjoy doing without him?

 

honestly it sounds like you really don't like this guy and dislike everything about him, so why not find someone you actually like, and break up with him so he can find someone that is also more suitable.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, flow28 said:

We already lived together before but recently I moved in permanently. I know it may seem very early but we both felt like making such a step. I moved in permanently after we made up. 

Ok well, it's never smart to move in with someone you've only been dating a few months.  Now you're seeing why.  Moving in with him was a mistake.  You and him are not compatible and this relationship is going downhill fast.  The best thing you could do is just cut your losses and move out.

[Els]

You do sound somewhat controlling IMO. 

Going out with friends once a week is normal, especially for an unmarried man with no kids. Playing video games when you aren't around is normal. If you feel it's a waste of time to do anything with your leisure time that "isn't productive", that's a you thing. You don't get to impose your views on someone else. 

 

6 hours ago, flow28 said:

I also don't want to live with someone who has no ambition or goals beyond sitting in front of their PC.

Does he work? If not, why not? And if yes, then why are you claiming he has "no ambition or goals beyond sitting in front of his PC"?

If you felt like he wasn't spending enough time with you, that's a valid concern and you can talk to him about it. But if you're not around, you do NOT get to tell another adult how they spend their leisure time. That's bizarre!

 

Edited 10 hours ago by Els

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, flow28 said:

We already lived together before but recently I moved in permanently. I know it may seem very early but we both felt like making such a step. I moved in permanently after we made up. 

This was nuts. 

I'm sorry girl, but neither of you is showing very good judgement here. You moved into together way too fast and you two don't even get along. I wouldn't worry about what would happen if you had a mortgage and kids because this relationship isn't going to make it to that stage. 

It's time to use better decision-making skills and plan you departure. This is absolutely not a match. 

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, flow28 said:

We already lived together before but recently I moved in permanently. I know it may seem very early but we both felt like making such a step. I moved in permanently after we made up. 

Why would you move together with someone whose interests, lifestyle, and friendship with other people bother you so much?

It’s not even about moving in too early anymore - though moving together after 10 months of relationship that included a breakup and reconciliation is, frankly, insane.

It’s more about your reasons for staying with a guy you don’t even appear to like very much. Are you with him simply because you’re feeling lonely and insecure?

[flow28]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Why would you move together with someone whose interests, lifestyle, and friendship with other people bother you so much?

It’s more about your reasons for staying with a guy you don’t even appear to like very much. Are you with him simply because you’re feeling lonely and insecure?

I like some aspects of our relationship but not others. I didn't know him that much initially to judge whether I really like his lifestyle. In the beginning it was all lovey-dovey and I saw everything through rose-colored glasses. With time I saw we have fundamentally different needs for closeness etc. I am hesitant to break up with him because I know I will feel terrible and probably become depressive again.