My [35/M] girlfriend [25/F] just discarded me in the weirdest way. What is the best path to get a more communicative breakup?

[WaffleHacker]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. I will be honest. I have a lot of insecurities. I do not think I am attractive at all. She is very attractive, so sometimes I question why she is even with me. In my darker moments I worry that she might just be with me for what I can provide, not for me as a person.

Last week I lost my job. This is important because for the past week I have not really been able to help her financially. During this same time she has been extremely loving, supportive, and loyal. She didn't go cold at all, which really did start to make me think that she did love me for me and wasn't just a gold digger. She even hand wrote me a love letter telling me I am her hero, how much she loves me, how much I mean to her, how I am her true love, etc. Even though I wasn't able to provide for her. She has always been warm and affectionate whether I have money or not. The rational part of me knows this and sees the positives.

Here is where things started to feel off.

About three days ago she got kicked out of her house after a fight with her roommate. That is also when her communication started to go cold. Given what she is going through I tried to be understanding, but I also noticed the shift. I do admit that I did get a little worried that she stopped loving me, so I did ask for reassurance and was a little panicked. But when she reassured me that she does love me, but just going through a lot, I backed off and gave her space while holding space for her to reach out to me if she needed to talk.

Then Sunday night she started being warm and sweet again. Around this time I was expecting some money to come in Monday morning, she knew it. Monday night (last night), she asked if the money had arrived yet. It was still on hold in my PayPal, so I told her it had not cleared.

After I told her it was on hold, she just stopped responding.

My brain went straight to my worst fears. I panicked and thought I was being discarded now that I could not come through with money. After about an hour of no response, I completely spiraled. I lashed out via text, accusing her of lying about loving me, and I called her phone repeatedly trying to get closure and to understand what was going on.

She finally replied with a message saying that she really does love me deeply, that no one has ever shown her as much love as I have, but that she owes a lot of money to shrug dealers, and they have been threatening her, and her life is in danger. She said she was counting on that money to pay them back and that me not being able to come through when I said I would put her at serious risk.

She still did not pick up the phone though. It was all over text.

When she told me her life was in danger, I panicked even more. I started calling her even more frequently and sending messages asking if she was safe, what was happening, and how I could help keep her safe. From my perspective if someone is in danger, you do not just vanish mid conversation.

An hour or two later I get a message from her phone that says something like:

Quote

"It is [girlfriend]'s friend. She is asleep right now. I am using her phone to do some courses, and when you call it keeps restarting the course which is annoying. This is getting ridiculous. I will let her know you called when she wakes up."

So now I am confused. A little while earlier she told me she was in danger. Then instead of calling me or even saying goodnight, she apparently just went to sleep, handed her phone to a friend, and the friend is irritated that I am calling because it restarts the course.

Also, since I told her the money is still on hold, she has not once talked to me on the phone. Everything has been through texts that feel like excuses to get me to stop "hounding" her. This is not like her. In the past, even when I could not help her financially, she did not go cold like this.

To summarize the timeline for the last few days:

•  She has generally been very loving and supportive, including after I lost my job. Even wrote me a heartfelt love letter.
• Three days ago she got kicked out of her house and started acting distant. This part I can somewhat understand given the stress.
• Sunday night she is warm again. She asks if the money came in. I tell her it is still on hold. She goes silent.
• I panic and lash out and call a lot. She texts that she loves me and that her life is in danger because of debts to drug dealers and she was counting on that money.
• I panic more and call a lot asking if she is safe.
• An hour or two later I get a text from “her friend” on her phone saying she is asleep, I am being ridiculous, and my calls are annoying because the course keeps restarting.

I know I have issues with anxiety, overthinking, and low self esteem. I know I can be too intense with calling and texting when I feel scared and abandoned. I also know she is in a rough situation right now with housing and apparently some really scary financial stuff.

At the same time, the pattern the past three or four days feels very different from how she usually is with me. It really hurts that the exact moment the money did not come through is the same moment her communication dropped and she would only text instead of talk to me, even when saying she was in danger.

I genuinely love her and I believe she loves me, but I am starting to wonder if my worst fear is true. That maybe she is out of nowhere became more attached to what I can provide than to me. Or I am completely overreacting and projecting my insecurities onto a situation where she is just overwhelmed, scared, and not handling communication well.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, WaffleHacker said:

she owes a lot of money to shrug dealers,

What?!?!

 

[WaffleHacker]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

What?!?!

 

Drug dealers. I didn't know the content policy here.

[flitzanu]

so, are you sure you don't think she's just using you for money?

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, WaffleHacker said:

Drug dealers. I didn't know the content policy here.

I got that.  I don't understand how you can have any question about her motivations given her lifestyle. 

Run. 

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, WaffleHacker said:

for the past week I have not really been able to help her financially.

For the past week?

So that means that you have been helping her financially for a year, except that one week?

Why?

And now, even though you just lost your job, she wants you to give her more money to pay back drug dealers?

Why would you want to financially support someone you barely know, someone you’ve only been together for one year, and especially someone who owes money to drug dealers?

Run far away.

[ShyViolet]

What kind of relationship is this, where she expects money from you, and you just give her money on a regular basis?  That is not normal in a relationship.  I don't believe her story for a second that "drug dealers" are threatening her life, and therefore you need to give her more money.  This girl is straight up scamming you, and you seem to have a lot of mental issues, so you fall for it.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, WaffleHacker said:

I worry that she might just be with me for what I can provide, not for me as a person.

It sounds like you are probably right.

You have been giving her money....for what reason? And now this wild story about owing durg dealers a lot of money, getting kicked out of her roommater's place - dude, where did you find this messy woman? 

[WaffleHacker]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

For the past week?

So that means that you have been helping her financially for a year, except that one week?

Why?

And now, even though you just lost your job, she wants you to give her more money to pay back drug dealers?

Why would you want to financially support someone you barely know, someone you’ve only been together for one year, and especially someone who owes money to drug dealers?

Run far away.

What do you mean barely know her? We've been dating a year and have known each other over 5 years. What's weird is that she's always been super lovey-dovey even when I don't have money to send her. I've had no money for over a week, and she was still really sweet to me up until yesterday night. She even wrote me a sweet love letter even though I didn't send her any money for almost a week. Then one night she switched on me. 

[WaffleHacker]

13 hours ago, flitzanu said:

so, are you sure you don't think she's just using you for money?

I mean, that's what's weird. Is that she was lovey dovey to me even though I haven't sent her anything in a while. She's really lovey dovey for the past week and a half that I didn't send her anything. Then she just flipped a switch. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why were you sending her moeny at all? 

[WaffleHacker]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why were you sending her moeny at all? 

Cause she was my girlfriend, I thought.  Helping someone is my love-language. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, WaffleHacker said:

Cause she was my girlfriend, I thought.  Helping someone is my love-language. 

I mean, what was the reason she needed money? 

And you didn't answer, but where did you meet this person? 

[WaffleHacker]

UPDATE: She sent me a message saying she doesn't love me and got a new boyfriend. She sent.

“First of all, I kinda actually think it is funny that you say I replaced you like an object and that I do not need the money. Do you think that if I did not need the money I would not have gone almost an entire 24 hours without talking to you. Secondly, I am not about to keep trying to prove that I love you and I am not about to sit here listening to you tell me that I am a piece of s***, you telling me to go die just because I will not sit on my ass and talk to you all day. At the end of the day we are both grown adults. Since you really want to play this game, how about I start questioning your love for me because let us be honest, if you really loved me the way you claim to, earlier when I told you I was stressing and trying to figure things out, instead of bashing me for not talking to you, it would have been nice for once if someone could be thoroughly understanding about the fact that I am going through real life s***. And if you are going to help then help, but I am not going to keep begging anyone to help me. My point right there. One minute you do not mind helping me and then after I told you I might not be able to respond as much today because of the plans I had in place to get more money you still made it seem like I was ignoring you. It is like you fail to realize that I do not make hundreds of dollars by sitting on my phone all day. So in conclusion, you can question my love all you want, but I know my heart. It is like you do not want me to do things that confuse you, but then you turn around and do the same thing to me. So at this point I do not know but I do know I am not about to beg you for what I need.”

I tried apologizing and no answer, which to me reads that she's done and found someone else. 

Edited yesterday at 11:20 AM by WaffleHacker

[IrinaM]

I don't want to mock or embarrass you, at all. Is this a person you hang out with in person, or does your relationship consist of texting and phone calls? You talk about "sending" her money, which implies you don't meet face-to-face. If this is an online relationship, there's a chance you don't know who you are talking to. This happened to a friend of mine who has autism, he is very sweet and vulnerable.

If you have some sort of vulnerability when it comes to socializing, you might consider finding a trusted mentor who can help you avoid these sorts of situations. I wish you the best.

[IrinaM]

I just re-read your OP, where someone pretends to be her friend texting from the same phone. This is typical of scammers, they often play multiple characters. You will likely hear from her "friend" again. There's a show called Catfished on YT. They cover these sorts of cases.

I get the feeling your self-esteem is pretty low, and if you realize you're being scammed, you might spiral. Please just be kind to yourself. Block her number and any other numbers that contact you regarding this relationship. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, WaffleHacker said:

What do you mean barely know her? We've been dating a year and have known each other over 5 years.

Dating a person for one year means barely knowing that person. It usually takes several years to really get to know someone. Sometimes many years.

 

4 hours ago, WaffleHacker said:

She even wrote me a sweet love letter even though I didn't send her any money for almost a week.

I don’t want to be harsh but if you really think that sending sweet love letters means the person loves you, you must be exceptionally naive and gullible. Anyone can write sweet love letters. Love is expressed through actions much more than through words.

And if you think that you need to give someone money so that they will love you, your self-esteem must be very low indeed.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, WaffleHacker said:

UPDATE: She sent me a message saying she doesn't love me and got a new boyfriend. She sent.

“First of all, I kinda actually think it is funny that you say I replaced you like an object and that I do not need the money. Do you think that if I did not need the money I would not have gone almost an entire 24 hours without talking to you. Secondly, I am not about to keep trying to prove that I love you and I am not about to sit here listening to you tell me that I am a piece of s***, you telling me to go die just because I will not sit on my ass and talk to you all day. At the end of the day we are both grown adults. Since you really want to play this game, how about I start questioning your love for me because let us be honest, if you really loved me the way you claim to, earlier when I told you I was stressing and trying to figure things out, instead of bashing me for not talking to you, it would have been nice for once if someone could be thoroughly understanding about the fact that I am going through real life s***. And if you are going to help then help, but I am not going to keep begging anyone to help me. My point right there. One minute you do not mind helping me and then after I told you I might not be able to respond as much today because of the plans I had in place to get more money you still made it seem like I was ignoring you. It is like you fail to realize that I do not make hundreds of dollars by sitting on my phone all day. So in conclusion, you can question my love all you want, but I know my heart. It is like you do not want me to do things that confuse you, but then you turn around and do the same thing to me. So at this point I do not know but I do know I am not about to beg you for what I need.”

I tried apologizing and no answer, which to me reads that she's done and found someone else. 

Where in her message does she say that she doesn’t love you and got a new boyfriend?

On the contrary, she basically says that she love(d) you and that she is mad because you questioned her and allegedly told her some awful things.

Did you? Did you really say, or imply, that she was a “piece of s***” and that she should “go die”?

The whole narrative, which was very strange from the beginning, now takes a weird turn.

Sorry, but which part of what you’ve told us is true and which is not? 

 

Edited 23 hours ago by Gebidozo

[WaffleHacker]

12 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I don't want to mock or embarrass you, at all. Is this a person you hang out with in person, or does your relationship consist of texting and phone calls? You talk about "sending" her money, which implies you don't meet face-to-face. If this is an online relationship, there's a chance you don't know who you are talking to. This happened to a friend of mine who has autism, he is very sweet and vulnerable.

If you have some sort of vulnerability when it comes to socializing, you might consider finding a trusted mentor who can help you avoid these sorts of situations. I wish you the best.

I've been on multiple dates with her in person. 

[ShyViolet]

18 hours ago, WaffleHacker said:

Cause she was my girlfriend, I thought.  Helping someone is my love-language. 

Giving someone money is not a "love language".  It's not normal in a relationship for one partner to treat the other partner like their personal ATM.  Your whole relationship is strange and dysfunctional.  She did you a favor by breaking up with you..... stay broken up and do some work on your self-esteem so you don't think that you need to pay someone to be in a relationship with you.

[WaffleHacker]

52 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Giving someone money is not a "love language".  It's not normal in a relationship for one partner to treat the other partner like their personal ATM.  Your whole relationship is strange and dysfunctional.  She did you a favor by breaking up with you..... stay broken up and do some work on your self-esteem so you don't think that you need to pay someone to be in a relationship with you.

So she finally reached back out. Apperantly, the reason why she went ghost is because she was hurt when I told her to "do the world a favor and die." comment. I only said that because I felt hurt that she faked the relationship. But she made it clear that wasn't it, and that's why she's so hurt. That the comment I said was extremely vile and cruel. 

I asked her if that means she doesn't love me anymore and she said "If I didn't love you anymore, I'd tell you directly. I can use my big girl words."  , but I know she's lying. No one can love someone after what I said. 

[WaffleHacker]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Where in her message does she say that she doesn’t love you and got a new boyfriend?

On the contrary, she basically says that she love(d) you and that she is mad because you questioned her and allegedly told her some awful things.

Did you? Did you really say, or imply, that she was a “piece of s***” and that she should “go die”?

The whole narrative, which was very strange from the beginning, now takes a weird turn.

Sorry, but which part of what you’ve told us is true and which is not? 

 

All of it is true. I just forgot to tell the part where I cussed her out. Yes, I cussed her out because I felt hurt by the fact that I thought she faked her love for money and yanked me around emotionally. 

[WaffleHacker]

16 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I don't want to mock or embarrass you, at all. Is this a person you hang out with in person, or does your relationship consist of texting and phone calls? You talk about "sending" her money, which implies you don't meet face-to-face. If this is an online relationship, there's a chance you don't know who you are talking to. This happened to a friend of mine who has autism, he is very sweet and vulnerable.

If you have some sort of vulnerability when it comes to socializing, you might consider finding a trusted mentor who can help you avoid these sorts of situations. I wish you the best.

No, I know her irl. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Is there a reason you wom't answer this question? 

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

what was the reason she needed money? 

Or this: 

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

where did you meet this person?