My boyfriend doesn't understand that I'm uncomfortable with his ex fling coming so close to us

[honeyboney]

Hi. I have been with my boyfriend with almost a year now. We don't live together but regularly spend time and sleep at each other's places, see each other's families and last summer we had a half-month-long trip to Asia (from Europe), so I would describe our relationship to be deep. By far, we have been able to communicate openly about anything. We love each other and he says that I am the most important person to him. We have both expressed that we want to work through this and continue together.

 

As for background, my boyfriend is a super social person, he talks to everybody all the time and is very good at conversations. On the other hand, I am not, I don't really go talk to people unless they come to me first. I also have a problem with jealously that I know I need to get better from, but I feel like these events that have happened lately are more to do with disrespect than that I am just jealous and insecure.

 

My boyfriend broke up with his ex last year. When we met, he told me that during this relationship, he had noticed that a friend of the ex was interested in him. They got together very well, so when my boyfriend and the ex broke up, he started to see the friend. They dated for about two weeks until the girl broke it off because she felt to bad about it. My boyfriend says he still feels guilty for his ex. The ex doesn't know and she is still friends with this girl, but is not in any contact with my boyfriend. All four of us go to the same university and study the same major, so we see each other frequently. My bf and the girl weren't in any contact for the first 10 months of our relationship but now two weeks ago, she initiated a conversation with him at a party. I think this would have been okay if she hadn't done it right after I had left the party. He also caught my bf by the door meaning that she saw me leaving. During this conversation, they talked about what happened between them and realised that both of them had wrongly thought that the other hated the other. I got very upset after I heard about this conversation, scared that they would become friends now. My bf said that he had no interest in becoming friends with her or talking to her outside of these events.

 

We had another event the next day, and the whole time my bf hanged out in the same group as this girl which has never happened before during our relationship. I told him at the event that it made me feel really bad especially after yesterday, and that I hoped that he would not initiate contact with her. When I saw him later, they were playing beer pong (with his friend and her friend) and my boyfriend was just leaning towards her and saying something in her ear. We got into a fight after this and my boyfriend said it didn't mean anything, he hoped I hadn't seen it and that I was overreacting. 

 

The next week, the girl sent a message to this old group chat that she, my bf, my bf's ex and a bunch of other people are in. The group chat had been dead since my bf and the ex's breakup. But now the girl asked in the group if people wanted to go play billiard that night. I, of course, got upset and asked him not to do it for me because we still hadn't gotten through the earlier events. We got into a fight again because he wanted to go. At the end the event didn't end up happening and he said that he wouldn't have gone even if it had.

 

Now, last Friday, we had a party again that me, my bf, and the girl all attended to. When I went to the girls' bathroom, I noticed the girl walking into the men's with her friend (there was a queue to the girls'). When I was walking back upstairs from the bathroom, I saw her, her friend and my bf in the mens' bathroom chatting. I walked upstairs and like a minute after I see the friend walking there alone and then maybe three minutes later comes my bf and the girl together. When the girl sees me looking at them, she immediately leaves my boyfriend alone. This happened again later when I saw them chatting and walked up, she just sprinted away after seeing me. I feel like I could accept them chatting once in a while but I have told my bf several times now how incredibly bad all this makes me feel and how disrespectful her act towards me has been. I have asked him to say something about it to her or letting me say something but he refuses. He also just keeps repeating the same phrases "she's my old friend" (which I reply that she's your old fling) and repeatedly "she just happened to be in the bathroom" which I repeatedly say that that's not the problem and that I feel bad that he had to walk back upstairs with her when her friend went alone. To this, he has asked whether I would have wanted him to just walk away then or pretend he wasn't going upstairs. I think yes, because that's what I do with other men. Also, this girl has left him very suddenly many times now after seeing me, so I don't see a problem in him doing the same to her.

 

Our conversations have gotten nowhere and now last time I talked about it, he just put up a wall and started saying how I always make him feel so guilty, like he is the bad guy, that I am insecure and that this has started to feel like controlling. He also got upset because I saw this all, and started asking if I'm stalking him and always watching him. In some way I am at faults in this because during our relationship, I have caused some drama from minor things because of my jealousy. But we have worked through them all and I have apologised and taken the blame when it was needed. Same for him. Because of this, I don’t see any reason to bring up the old stuff. The past two weeks have been very hard for us, and I can admit that because of that, I have been watching him quite closely lately and I can understand why that makes him uncomfortable and I shouldn't do that. I also shouldn't have asked him to not talk to him, I understand it now. I think because of that, it is so difficult for him to understand me in this.

He also said during our last fight, that him and the girl get along so well, and asked my why do I think they started dating in the first place. This made me feel even worse, because shouldn't this be a reason for them to keep distance? I very much believe that after you find yourself attracted to somebody else, it doesn't go away. There will always be something there. My boyfriend has often expressed how he despises cheating and would never ever do it, but I don't think he understands that people don't just decide to cheat. It's exactly situations like these that can mischievously lead to it.

 

My jealous side is scared that she will try to get together with my boyfriend. When I told my bf, he said that he has already chosen me and that I have won the game so it's okay. I do trust in him this but the girl is not a very good person in my eyes. She betrayed her friend and is still betraying her by not telling her about the past. During the conversation with my bf, she said to him that she doesn't like hanging out with girls because they cause drama. Thankfully my bf replied that usually the girls who say that are the one's who cause drama. She had also said to him that she has a crush on his friend. The friend rejected her last weekend and an hour later we see her sitting on a couch with another guy laying on her lap and her fingers in his hair. I just can't trust her at all. I have told to my bf that if she provenly tries something with him and doesn't stop, I will tell the ex about their thing. My bf said he understand but will still be mad at me because if his ex loses the friend group, she will have nobody except her current boyfriend.

 

But these past two weeks have brought a lot of trouble to our relationship and at times I have thought that I can't continue in this relationship if he doesn't meet me where I am asking. Some other things that have happened during the past two weeks are, that two weekends ago, when we were walking to a bar from the party (both drunk), I saw him turning his head to his right side three times to look at a woman that was wearing a very short skirts and had bare legs. After the second look, I smacked him on his back, but he still took a third look. This, and the events with the girl have really taken a toll on my trust for him.

 

We both want this relationship to work and we are ready to work for it but I need advice at how to make my boyfriend realise how I am feeling is legit and not just jealousy that I need to get over. At this point, I don't really even know what I want him to do anymore. I think if they continue to be in contact (my bf denies there's any contact, but if there weren't, they would talk ever) I think the right thing to do would be to also involve me in their relationship. I can't stand how she runs away from him after seeing me. It's so suspicious especially when taken her and their history into consideration. I think that since she is an ex fling (overrides the ex friend), if she want to be friend with him, she also need to be friends with me. From my bf, I just need him to hear what I say and care that his girlfriend is being disrespected and feels uncomfortable. I feel like this information goes straight through him because he is so afraid to being controlled. But I don't see it as controlling. If I said to him that he wasn't allowed to even look at her or talk to her, then I would understand.

 

Sorry for very messy text. There's just so much to say and I can't make enough sense of it to put it in a good structure. Also English isn't my first language.

[Gebidozo]

I’m one of those people who thinks that it’s okay to have contact with exes. My partner talks to her ex regularly and I’m totally fine with that. I just believe that she isn’t intending to cheat on me with him.

I think the girl’s behavior is fishy, but it doesn’t look like your boyfriend is cheating.

Also, I think you could try to loosen up about him ogling women. We can’t not notice sexy women, that doesn’t mean we’ll cheat. I look at women as well, and I don’t have any intention whatsoever to cheat on my partner.

[honeyboney]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m one of those people who thinks that it’s okay to have contact with exes. My partner talks to her ex regularly and I’m totally fine with that. I just believe that she isn’t intending to cheat on me with him.

I think the girl’s behavior is fishy, but it doesn’t look like your boyfriend is cheating.

Also, I think you could try to loosen up about him ogling women. We can’t not notice sexy women, that doesn’t mean we’ll cheat. I look at women as well, and I don’t have any intention whatsoever to cheat on my partner.

Thank you for your reply!

[MsJayne]

You’re right that this girl is trouble, and you’re right that your BF needs to stop encouraging her attention. You’re also right that if she wants to be friends with him she needs to be friendly to you as well. But, personally, I don’t recommend being friends with a female who behaves this way. Next time she’s talking to your BF and goes to run away when she sees you, give her the kind of unblinking glare that burns into her psych, throw in a little lip curl so she knows you’re serious. Also, your BF seems to be making you the jealous villain, has it occurred to him that if he didn’t encourage the attention of skanky women you wouldn’t feel so threatened? Consider dumping him, because he’s taking you for granted and if the friendship of some twit he banged a couple of times is so important then he doesn’t deserve a quality woman. You deserve better, and you’ll find that, when you’re with someone who loves and values you, your jealousy problem might miraculously disappear. 

[Acacia98]

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From my bf, I just need him to hear what I say and care that his girlfriend is being disrespected and feels uncomfortable. I feel like this information goes straight through him because he is so afraid to being controlled

OP, first of all, you guys seem to be very young. So it's highly unlikely that this is the man you will ultimately settle down with. You're both still growing, maturing, figuring out who you are and what you want out of life and relationships. Keep that in mind as you consider my thoughts below.

I think your boyfriend has iffy boundaries. It doesn't reflect well on him that, within the past year or so, he has been involved with at least three women who are all in the same department as him and that in at least two instances, he and the other person have crossed lines that he claims to respect.

Whatever he claims to feel about his relationships past and present, set his words aside and focus on his actions. To me, a stranger, his most recent actions suggest that he gets bored in long-term relationships and that at some level, he enjoys having women fighting over him. If his established patterns of behavior are anything to go by, one year from now, he will probably be in a relationship with yet another woman in your department and exploring his "friendship" with the woman who annoys you so much. For your sake, I hope you're better at setting boundaries and moving on than he seems to be. 

My advice to you: Prepare yourself mentally for the end of this relationship. Also, remember that you don't own this man and can't make him love/respect you the way you want to be loved/respected. And you cannot stop him from developing an interest in another woman. You have already expressed your concerns to him. There's nothing more for you to do.

I can't help wondering if your studies are suffering. Please refocus your attention on your work/studies.