My husband hired someone to gain access to my phone " i don’t want to lose my marriage over a moment of mistrust".

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,
This is my first post I’m posting from a throwaway because this is extremely personal, and I honestly don’t know who else to talk to.

I recently came back from a work trip — it was a 10-day company retreat/strategy workshop, nothing unusual, nothing inappropriate. Since then, my husband has been… different. Distant. Cold. Disconnected.

I’ve asked him over and over if something’s wrong, and he keeps saying “I’m just stressed,” or “It’s nothing, don’t overthink.”
But the change in intimacy, the lack of warmth, the way he looks at me sometimes… it feels like something shifted while I was away.

For context: I have never cheated. I’ve never even given him a reason to doubt me. I’m a working mum, I travel sometimes for work, and he has always been supportive. That’s why his behavior has been confusing and honestly painful.

But what happened yesterday broke me in a way I did not expect.

I got a message from someone on a website called anonymous-hackers-for-hire com that he was hired to access my phone . At first, I thought it was a sick joke — but the person sent proof that he had already gained access to my phone: screenshots of my call logs, some recent and deleted photos I didn’t even know still existed, and parts of my WhatsApp backup and text messages.

He said my husband hired him to “gain access to my phone ” because he believed something happened during my trip… but after completing the hack, my husband refused to pay the remaining balance. So the hacker decided to inform me instead.

I feel sick.

I feel violated, betrayed, and confused.
My own husband — the man I trusted completely — secretly hired someone to invade my privacy instead of talking to me like an adult.

But at the same time… part of me keeps wondering if I somehow made him insecure? If anything about the trip or my behavior made him feel threatened? I don’t even know anymore, and that scares me.

Right now I’m stuck between confronting him immediately or staying quiet until I understand what I’m really dealing with.
I don’t want to make a mistake that destroys our marriage, but I also don’t want to pretend like nothing happened.

How do I navigate this?
Do I confront him directly?
Do I ask why he didn’t talk to me first?
Do I bring up the hacker’s message?
Or do I wait and observe before doing anything?

I’m hurting… but I also don’t want to lose my marriage over a moment of mistrust — his or mine.

Please, any advice would mean a lot. I'll be in the comments