What is going on?

[JustYourAvgGuy]

My wife (of 29 years—we are in our early to mid 50s) has never been one to actively initiate intimacy.  I came to accept that many years ago.  But here lately, I’ve found out that she has been using a massage gun to masterbate.  A lot of times it is after brushing off my attempts to initiate sex with her and sometimes even while I’m out running an errand for her.

I tried recently to talk to her about it, but it ended with an argument.  Our sex drives are really polar opposites, but I do really love her and being unfaithful to her is not nor ever will be an option.

To put our experiences into perspective, I always try to make it about her first.  I have introduced toys, new positions, etc over the years to try to keep it exciting.  I never force anything on her to make her uncomfortable.  She has almost always had multiple O’s (occasionally a squirter) and loves to receive oral almost as much as I love giving.

What could it be that I’m missing?  What is going on that I can’t seem to get ahead of?

[S2B]

How about just knowing that maybe sometimes she just wants some individual time?

what if her using her vibrator has nothing to do with you?

are you satisfied with your sex life? 

[Gebidozo]

Unless she explicitly told you that something was missing from your sex life, expressed discomfort, or asked to change something, assume that she is sexually satisfied.

That she wants or needs to masturbate is entirely her business. Masturbation is a very private thing. Unless there is a severe addiction, there is no reason to interfere in anyone’s self-pleasuring habits.

Are you satisfied with your sex life?

What exactly do you mean by saying that your sex drives are polar opposites?

[Els]

Sometimes people just want to have a "selfish" orgasm and not worry about another person. It can be a problem if you're not happy with your sex life, though - but in that case I'd recommend talking to her about the sex life, not about the masturbation.

That being said I think there's no harm in you offering to bring the massage gun into the bedroom, if she's open to that. Also, if it's an ACTUAL massage gun... I feel like getting a Hitachi might be an overall improvement.  

[JustYourAvgGuy]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Unless she explicitly told you that something was missing from your sex life, expressed discomfort, or asked to change something, assume that she is sexually satisfied.

That she wants or needs to masturbate is entirely her business. Masturbation is a very private thing. Unless there is a severe addiction, there is no reason to interfere in anyone’s self-pleasuring habits.

Are you satisfied with your sex life?

What exactly do you mean by saying that your sex drives are polar opposites?

I have a very high sex drive, she claims to “not have one”.  I don’t try to initiate every day even though I would be up for it.  I try like once every 7-10 days and most of the time met with rejection.

 I would say that I am not satisfied with my sex life.  I would like her to initiate from time to time, give oral (more than once or twice a year…no joke), etc.

My issue with her masturbation is the surrounding events.  Reject my advance, then proceeds to pull out the massager when I leave to run an errand she sends me on or to pick up one of our kids 30 minutes later.  

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, JustYourAvgGuy said:

I have a very high sex drive, she claims to “not have one”.  I don’t try to initiate every day even though I would be up for it.  I try like once every 7-10 days and most of the time met with rejection.

 I would say that I am not satisfied with my sex life.  I would like her to initiate from time to time, give oral (more than once or twice a year…no joke), etc.

My issue with her masturbation is the surrounding events.  Reject my advance, then proceeds to pull out the massager when I leave to run an errand she sends me on or to pick up one of our kids 30 minutes later.  

Well, then the issue is much more serious.

Regardless of her masturbation habits, you two appear to be sexually incompatible.

With such a huge discrepancy in sex drives, how did you get together in the first place? Or is this a recent change?

 

[flitzanu]

i think what we are trying to say is, don't focus on her masturbating, focus on why you two aren't having sex or what that issue is.  it isn't about her masturbating.