This cannot be normal!

[Anonymous]

Eight years ago, I met my second wife. She had just lost her husband, and I was separated from my first wife after a 15-year loveless marriage. We trauma-bonded instantly. Red flag #1.

I jumped into a blended family thinking I could manage it. I couldn’t. My kids never fully accepted my new life, and my ex poisoned the well. Her daughters didn’t get much from me either because I was split between everyone. Red flag #2.

I also didn’t realize until the end,  I’d married someone deeply insecure, narcissistic, emotionally unstable, and dependent on attention—though incredibly attractive. Red flag #3.

For six years, the relationship was “amazing” on the surface, except for the few times a year she’d drink and turn into a completely different, hostile person, then apologize the next day. Red flag #4.

Eventually, it all blew up. After a small argument, she met a guy, lied about it, and I discovered the truth through her phone logs. Within an hour of confronting her, she filed for divorce. Clearly she had planned this.Her reasoning, you did not give me attention and were not a present stepfather. 

Then came the insanity during separation and even after divorce was final: repeated cheating with the same man, constant apologies, empty promises, hot/cold behavior, “I love you/I don’t know/I need time,” selfies to him on Valentine’s Day while we were in NYC trying to fix things, and finally confirming she went back to him—again—after the divorce was final. My therapist says I have abandonment issues, and it makes sense. This whole thing feels like a trauma bond. She’s manipulated, lied, cheated, gaslit, and destroyed trust over and over, and yet I’m still hooked.

I know she’s dating him (and even someone else) and has taken vacations with him. I’ve dated too, even slept with other people, and that is OK as we are not single, but she’s still in my head. It’s been over a year. The last four months we’ve been physically separated (no sex), but we still talk here and there, meet for coffee, and I know every interaction resets the wound. I’ve tried no contact. Blocking. Emails out of anger. Emails out of heartbreak. Nothing sticks. I wake up thinking of her. I go to sleep thinking of her. And I know this has to stop, but I can’t cut the cord no matter how hard I try. And she continues to bread crumb about how she is selfish, wasn't to enjoy single life but sees a future where we will be together because she wants me in her life, because she still has "love for me" It is insanity that I am allowing this.  

I need to reset, because this is consuming my life. What to do?

[MsJayne]

47 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

meone deeply insecure, narcissistic, emotionally unstable, and dependent on attention

Focus on this, it's the truth. Cut this dirt-bag, and anyone associated with it, out of your life for good. Every time you give it the time of day you're feeding it's ego, every time it says goodbye it goes away smug in the knowledge that you haven't been able to move on. Why do I refer to her as "it"? Because that's what narcissists are, they're not a person, they're an 'it' because they lack humanity and they're empty.  If you choose to keep it around you'll never find someone decent again. 

[SoBeIt1]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Focus on this, it's the truth. Cut this dirt-bag, and anyone associated with it, out of your life for good. Every time you give it the time of day you're feeding it's ego, every time it says goodbye it goes away smug in the knowledge that you haven't been able to move on. Why do I refer to her as "it"? Because that's what narcissists are, they're not a person, they're an 'it' because they lack humanity and they're empty.  If you choose to keep it around you'll never find someone decent again. 

Wow, thank you! This is exactly what I wanted to hear. Believe me, I understand what I am being put through and kind of personality that I’m fighting against. As I indicated my problem is that because I have some severe childhood abandonment issues that rose to the top after this betrayal of somebody who ,

I loved I’m having a hard time detaching, but it is getting better every day and messages like that help.! Thank you again