Wife says I don't put in the effort

[marcusantonio]

I’m M35 and my wife is F31, and we’ve been having some issues lately.

We have two kids, and I work long hours, usually 9 a.m. to 8 p.m., Monday through Friday. We usually spend Saturday afternoons together as a family, and I try to make sure we have at least one date night a month, just the two of us. On Sundays I manage a golf team, so I’m out from about 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

For the past year, my wife has been complaining (mostly to her female friends) that I never make plans, that everything is on her, and that I just go along with things without really caring. She makes it sound like I’m disengaged. Also, she is upset at me.

Sometimes I get a Sunday off and I take her with me when I can, but it still feels like she doesn’t believe I’m putting in effort. Now she’s planning a weekend trip for us. I told her I don’t think we really need another trip since we went on one six months ago. She still wants to go, and she’s planning to take her mother and the kids.

I told her she can go if she wants, but I also said again that I don’t think this trip is necessary.

I'm actually doing good as a man, but I don't know why her behaviour is something like this

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, marcusantonio said:

Now she’s planning a weekend trip for us. I told her I don’t think we really need another trip since we went on one six months ago. 

Do you mean you can't afford it? 

 

[marcusantonio]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you mean you can't afford it? 

We plan 2 trips a year, every 6 months. 7 days.
But she's actually planning a weekend out

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, marcusantonio said:

 On Sundays I manage a golf team, so I’m out from about 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

This seems like a bit much to me... you work such long hours during the week, that the only day you actually spend with your family is Saturdays.  Once a week.  Why would you take something on your plate that takes you away from your family for pretty much the whole day on Sundays also?  It sounds like you are hardly ever home except for once a week.

[Els]

10 hours ago, marcusantonio said:

I'm actually doing good as a man, but I don't know why her behaviour is something like this

Well if this is how you respond when she brings up something that she's unhappy with, can you blame her? It's clear as day that you're not putting in any effort to actually listen and communicate and come up with a reasonable compromise together. 

What's up with the 9-hour golf team commitment on Sunday? Is that a part time job? Do you really need the money that badly? Most people with families don't spend a whole day on something like that unless they're really desperate for the extra money. If you do need the money for the family to survive then fine, but you need to talk to her and explain that. If you don't, that's just excessive and most people would be unhappy with that.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, marcusantonio said:

We plan 2 trips a year, every 6 months. 7 days.
But she's actually planning a weekend out

So money is not this issue, it seems. 

In that case, I don't blame her for being hurt that you don't want to have a little more quality time with her. I am not sure what to tell you other than you seem very checked out of your marriage and family life. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, I'm sorry, but given your work hours (and thus unavailability during the week), the whole Sunday golf time from 8 to 5. Nope, I would be enraged if I were in her situation. 

A few matters. You try to plan a night out just the two of you one day a month. And then you manage golf 8 to 5 one day a week. 

Let me guess: I bet if you add up the average amount of time you are out on a date night, it still doesn't match the 9 hours you are away for golf--once a week! And let's get technical. Is 8 to 5 the time you are away or the time the golfing itself takes? You might be away for more than 9 hours on a Sunday. 

Dude, you are flirting with rage here. You might have to stop the golf coaching until your kids are older (and take less time) or until you get a job with fewer hours. At most, your golf coaching you needs to be from 8 to 11 or 12 noon. That’s at best–being really generous to you. 

Dude, married people with kids can NOT hang out with hobbies like single people. Period! 

 

 

[Els]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, married people with kids can NOT hang out with hobbies like single people. Period! 

Jeebus, it didn't even occur to me that it could be an unpaid hobby! 

Agreed completely. If anyone feels like they need to spend 9 hours a week on a hobby (and not just an hour here and there after the kids go to bed either, but an entire weekend day!), they better decide real soon which is more important to them - having a family or having that hobby. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too, while the wife has to look after the kids the whole time.

Being married without kids... maybe. Only if you explicitly clear this with the partner before getting married, though. Might work if the wife also has a hobby of her own that she wants to spend 9 hours a week on.

 

[MsJayne]

This post certainly rings a bell with me, I'm going through similar except I'm in your wife's position, so please forgive me if I vent a little. I have recently agreed to get back together with someone I broke up with a year ago. One of the main reasons I dumped him is that he rarely spent any quality time with me. Key word, 'quality'. He thinks that having dinner at the same table every evening counted as 'time together', which it does in a way, but it was always super hurtful watching other couples do stuff together while I would spend most weekends on my own. Always had time for his mates, (like you with your golf), I didn't even get a once a month date night even though we talked about the issue and he agreed he needed to put in more effort. We've only been back together a month and already there's next to zero effort on his part, just like the first time around, so I'm having second thoughts about him because he's a self-absorbed clown. My dad was like you too, but my mother had a great way of dealing with the neglect, she stopped hoping my father would become the sort of guy who kept the romance alive and instead had a series of affairs. Some men deserve that, you sound like you might be one of them. I can tell you this, if your wife has started making plans that don't include you she's already on her way out the door. If I was her I'd probably have driven the message home with your nine iron by shoving it up your rear for you.