Ending it because no Oral?

[Riverguy85344]

I am a 56 year old man dating a 40 year old woman for 5 months now.  Everything is great except she does. it like french kissing and does not like oral sex.  Actually,  she loves receiving oral sex and I love giving it,  she just will not reciprocate.  She feels that french kissing and giving oral is gross.  

She claims that she gave her ex a lot of oral sex because he was so demanding and now she says she feels traumatized from that .  She says that someday she will come to terms with this and someday I will get oral and french kissing but it’s been 5 months and zero movement and zero blowjobs.  

She is a great partner otherwise.  She claims that she is crazy in love with me and our relationship is great other wise.  

I know for certain that I can not deal with this much longer.  I have made my wishes known and it is as if she does not take it as serious as I take it.  i don’t know how to tell her in uncertain terms that I will not stay in a relationship without these items being an active part of our sex life without it sounding like an ultimatum.  I also don’t feel it’s fair to break up with someone if they do not know the stakes when they deny this.  

Any advice is very welcome 

[MsJayne]

You're sexually incompatible, you need to accept that and end the relationship because even if she eventually starts giving you what you want it will be because she feels she has to, not because she wants to. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't make someone enjoy sexual or intimate acts that they just don't enjoy. 

She's very unlikely to ever enjoy these things. You would be wise to en d it now if they're that imporant to you, as it's a sexual incompatobility that is almost surely going to get worse over time. 

[Els]

13 hours ago, Riverguy85344 said:

I know for certain that I can not deal with this much longer.  I have made my wishes known and it is as if she does not take it as serious as I take it.  i don’t know how to tell her in uncertain terms that I will not stay in a relationship without these items being an active part of our sex life without it sounding like an ultimatum.  I also don’t feel it’s fair to break up with someone if they do not know the stakes when they deny this.  

What even is the point of this? You already know enough about her to know that the two of you are very sexually incompatible. You've only been together for 5 months. If you are "certain that you cannot deal with this", just break up and tell her that you don't think you're compatible and wish her the best for the future.

There's absolutely nothing "unfair" about doing that. In fact, the opposite is true - if you said "do it or I'm leaving", that's basically coercion. You've already informed her about what you need in bed, and she's informed you that this sexual act is traumatizing to her.

The right thing to do absolutely is to let her go.

Edited yesterday at 08:05 AM by Els

[ShyViolet]

If you feel that your needs aren't being met in this relationship, then definitely end it.  There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship over sexual incompatibility.  That's not shallow.  Sexual compatibility is an essential part of a relationship.

[Riverguy85344]

I really appreciate the responses.  It is what I already knew, but wished it was different.  I have never been great at prioritizing myself.  I have always felt terrible about ending a relationship with someone who expresses that they are so in love with me even when my feelings are less, but I know this has to be done.  I wish it did not make me feel like such a jerk though.  I could maybe even get past the lack of oral sex , but the lack of french kissing even while making love creates a dynamic where there is just not enough passion and staying aroused is a challenge.  It makes for very boring sex for us both I am sure.  

I appreciate everyone’s advice.

[flitzanu]

yeah, some girls just dont want to perform oral.  find someone more sexually compatible.

i hate to "judge" but the french kissing thing is a little weird on her not wanting to do that.  i'd suspect you're in for a lot more strangeness if you stay.

[Els]

3 hours ago, Riverguy85344 said:

I have never been great at prioritizing myself.  I have always felt terrible about ending a relationship with someone who expresses that they are so in love with me even when my feelings are less, but I know this has to be done.  I wish it did not make me feel like such a jerk though

If it makes you feel better, staying and then being dissatisfied with the lack of oral sex or french kissing is probably worse for her as well. She needs a partner who doesn't need a sexual act that she associates with trauma. 

So, you are doing the right thing for BOTH of you.

Edited yesterday at 07:31 PM by Els

[Carlston]

I've broken up with women because they don't want to blow me.

It's a dealbreaker. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Great guidance so far. And I agree that you guys are not compatible. 

Just as an aside, the lack of French kissing would bother me far more than lack of oral sex.