I just cant

[Anonymous]

4 yrs together. I dont even remember who broke it off this time because things were so heated. He reached out by text 18 months after we split asking how I was doing. I chose not to open his message as I was still hurting.

As time went on I wondered why he had never checked back in with me to see if I even got his message. I guess I was looking for effort at that point and I assumed if he had wanted to get in touch with me that badly, it is logical to try me again. By text, call, email etc.

As days went on and the follow up message never came, I felt better about not replying to his message. It had been a simple breadcrumb. That was 15 months ago. 

He recently changed his profile photo, something he hasnt dont in 10 years. It is a photo of him and a new woman on a beach down south.

The comments show that family members have met one another too. I am beyond broken. What did he want from me a year and a half ago? Did he move on because I ignored him? Does he hate me? Is he mad that I ignored his reach out and posting that photo to make me jealous as in, hey, I won the break up? No. he is genuinely happy.  All the stories I told myself about hope and reconciliation us, changing and building, us growing together. It all came down when I saw that photo. I cant even function.

[FredEire]

You dont know that.

You can't "win" a breakup. Its just two people moving on and they should just try and be happy for eachother and wish eachother the best for their future. In time you probably will.

My ex started dating a photographer a few weeks we broke up, they moved to Chicago and started living some idyllic high class boho lifestyle there, or what looked like it according to his pictures. I felt devastated and so inadequate.

5 years on and it seems like he has ditched her to go travelling and just posts about how he is free and living his best life, and she deleted all her social media. So things obviously were far from as perfect as they seemed.

It's a cliche but Instagram is usually very far from the reality of people's lives.

[Carlston]

Unfortunately since you chose not to respond to his message 18 months ago you'll probably never know what he wanted.

It could have been his way of opening up some dialogue for one more opportunity to make things work, or just a moment of weakness on his part.

Probably best to stop dwelling on what he wanted and move in the direction of "I don't care what he wanted, he's old news".

It takes time, but to be honest it's a bit troubling that you're so bad off after 1.5 years. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like he just did what most eventually do  - he moved on. 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Is he mad that I ignored his reach out and posting that photo to make me jealous as in, hey, I won the break up? No. he is genuinely happy.

It seems so, yes. I doubt him posting this has anything to do with you at all, actually. It's just someone who is excited about their current relationship and wanting to share, like many others on social media. 

I think you are simply realizing that your expectation that he would reach out again after you never replied was unrealistic. It's a shock to the system, sure, but I think it's actually for the best that you saw this. It's time to really remove him from your life so you can move on, too. 

[MsJayne]

Would you want him back if he hadn't met someone new, or is that why it stings so much? He's finding happiness with someone else, or so it looks. Whatever it was that he did, or didn't, do, whatever made you break up with him......he'll do the same thing to the next woman, and the next. It's been three years, you should be moving on now too, and you can start by not checking his social media . 

[Hurt1234]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

You dont know that.

You can't "win" a breakup. Its just two people moving on and they should just try and be happy for eachother and wish eachother the best for their future. In time you probably will.

My ex started dating a photographer a few weeks we broke up, they moved to Chicago and started living some idyllic high class boho lifestyle there, or what looked like it according to his pictures. I felt devastated and so inadequate.

5 years on and it seems like he has ditched her to go travelling and just posts about how he is free and living his best life, and she deleted all her social media. So things obviously were far from as perfect as they seemed.

It's a cliche but Instagram is usually very far from the reality of people's lives.

I know anything is possible. Hes a very private person and would never post a woman or introduce her to his family unless it was serious. 

I sometimes think he posted it to get a reaction out of me, thats the hope still hanging on, but then reality hits and I realize  that its not about me at all. Hes building a life with someone else and is genuinely happy. I cant seem to move on.

[Hurt1234]

5 hours ago, Carlston said:

Unfortunately since you chose not to respond to his message 18 months ago you'll probably never know what he wanted.

It could have been his way of opening up some dialogue for one more opportunity to make things work, or just a moment of weakness on his part.

Probably best to stop dwelling on what he wanted and move in the direction of "I don't care what he wanted, he's old news".

It takes time, but to be honest it's a bit troubling that you're so bad off after 1.5 years. 

 

It is very concerning I agree. No amount of therapy has helped. It is obvious that his message to me was sent during a weak moment of his that obviously passed fairly quickly since he never tried me again. In my heart I always felt we would return to one another so I never gave up hope. All that hope ruined me.

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

I know anything is possible. Hes a very private person and would never post a woman or introduce her to his family unless it was serious. 

I sometimes think he posted it to get a reaction out of me, thats the hope still hanging on, but then reality hits and I realize  that its not about me at all. Hes building a life with someone else and is genuinely happy. I cant seem to move on.

I'm sure it's probably serious if he's posting her on social media. That does not mean it is a perfect, idyllic relationship. You don't know anything about the real dynamic between them, and an Instagram highlight reel doesnt really prove anything one way or another.

More importantly though it has nothing to do with you now. Your relationship has passed, now its time to focus on yourself and just wish him well. If he was someone who you once loved, you should want him to have happiness in his life, not to crash and burn just to prove a point that he's toxic and nobody could love him.

One of the bitter pills of breakups and jealousy over new partners is the fact that they were totally wrong for you doesn't mean they are wrong for everybody. Maybe you are with someone wherein you just push eachothers buttons all the time and it doesnt work. That same person might meet someone who brings out the best in them and its just a more natural fit. That doesnt mean that you failed or you blew it, it just means that much as you tried you weren't a good match.

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

It is very concerning I agree. No amount of therapy has helped. It is obvious that his message to me was sent during a weak moment of his that obviously passed fairly quickly since he never tried me again. In my heart I always felt we would return to one another so I never gave up hope. All that hope ruined me.

I'm very against the idea that we have a "soulmate". I believe we have many, though admittedly they are rare on the scale of people we will meet in our life. It's not just romantic either, I have a couple of friendships where I feel we understand eachother on a level that isn't typical for most of the people I spend my time with.

Maybe you need to let go of the idea that having a soul bond with someone means that they have to come back to you. There may be one you spend the rest of your life with, but some of them are just meant to be there for a time in your life. If you can accept that you had that connection but that it served its purpose and you have now both moved on, you may be able to shed your feeling of connection with him.

I had the same experience with my ex. I felt a deeper connection with her than anyone I had before, and it took me two years to get over it. I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with a distinct sense that whatever I was feeling, she was feeling too. When we were dating, we would often seem to read eachothers' minds.

Maybe you relate to some of that. The key thing that helped me leave her in the past was accepting that although she may have been my soulmate, she wasn't meant to be in my life for a ling time. Once I accepted that, I could release myself and a few years on I can now see that in the sense of who we are and where we were in our lives we unfortunately were incompatible in so many ways.

Edited Thursday at 03:27 PM by FredEire

[flitzanu]

to think that your ex posted a photo on their own social media in a way to get back at you 18 months after a breakup is wildly unrealistic. 

18 days after a breakup maybe, but 18 months is you thinking every single thought that ex has is only about you and that's not healthy or rational.

[Hurt1234]

8 hours ago, FredEire said:

I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with a distinct sense that whatever I was feeling, she was feeling too

The hope I held onto here, every waking moment of the day. I felt he was on the same page as I was but worried he may be rejected if he reached out to me. I felt he was scared to reach out. Meanwhile, every thought I planted in my own head turned into a fantasy. And that is the problem. I held on to hope for too long and never accepted the break up and let go. The "fantasy" I told myself turned into a nightmare when I saw that photo on his profile page. This is where I struggle. I cannot let go. Its been 2 years and I cannot let go.

[basil67]

He contacted you for whatever reason, and you chose to ignore it.  Your actions sent the message that you don't want to be in contact with him and he took this on board.  I know feel that his reaching out was a breadcrumb, but truth is that you really have no idea why he contacted you.   The reason he didn't reach out again would be because he has some degree of self esteem.  

I doubt he's still mad at you.  And I doubt he's posting the pictures of his new life to bother you.   I would imagine that he's moved on and living a good life.   It's time that you did the same for yourself

[Hurt1234]

On 11/20/2025 at 1:18 PM, flitzanu said:

to think that your ex posted a photo on their own social media in a way to get back at you 18 months after a breakup is wildly unrealistic. 

18 days after a breakup maybe, but 18 months is you thinking every single thought that ex has is only about you and that's not healthy or rational.

You are absolutely right. Because we went back and forth a few times in those years because I needed more affection, it stings that even when he did reach out, there was no other effort made by me ignoring it. I refuse to believe that he no longer loves me. I cant be realistic about it. I keep thinking hes rubbing her in my face because he was hurt that I ignored him. Crazy right? Im still in denial, its nuts

Edited 9 hours ago by Hurt1234

[Hurt1234]

On 11/20/2025 at 6:02 AM, MsJayne said:

Would you want him back if he hadn't met someone new, or is that why it stings so much? He's finding happiness with someone else, or so it looks. Whatever it was that he did, or didn't, do, whatever made you break up with him......he'll do the same thing to the next woman, and the next. It's been three years, you should be moving on now too, and you can start by not checking his social media . 

Yes, I would have taken him back if we could have fixed our problems. Now that ì know he has been with someone else, Im not so sure. I refuse to believe he no longer loves me. Whether he posted with intentions of hurting me or without even thinking of me. Hes moved on and I am so far in denial right now.

[Hurt1234]

On 11/20/2025 at 1:18 PM, flitzanu said:

to think that your ex posted a photo on their own social media in a way to get back at you 18 months after a breakup is wildly unrealistic. 

18 days after a breakup maybe, but 18 months is you thinking every single thought that ex has is only about you and that's not healthy or rational.

I believe I think this way because all of my thoughts are about him. I literally still ache for him. But needed him to show me more effort then 1 simple text. I cant help but feel I pushed him away and now happy with someone else 

[Hurt1234]

On 11/20/2025 at 4:22 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like he just did what most eventually do  - he moved on. 

It seems so, yes. I doubt him posting this has anything to do with you at all, actually. It's just someone who is excited about their current relationship and wanting to share, like many others on social media. 

I think you are simply realizing that your expectation that he would reach out again after you never replied was unrealistic. It's a shock to the system, sure, but I think it's actually for the best that you saw this. It's time to really remove him from your life so you can move on, too. 

If he was upset with me for ignoring him, he didnt even try messaging me again. If 4 years meant anything to him, how angry and miserable could he have been with me that he fell for someone else? He didnt chase me. Guys run after what they want. It's difficult to swallow that 4 years was nothing more then a simple check in text message and then he moved on. 

[Hurt1234]

You know that denial? Like theres no way he could ever love another like he did me? Our future is our future, its suppose to be us once we can figure out how to work together. Ride or die. Im so caught up in that fantasy, I cannot accept that he has moved on to someone else 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

I believe I think this way because all of my thoughts are about him. I literally still ache for him. But needed him to show me more effort then 1 simple text. I cant help but feel I pushed him away and now happy with someone else 

With all due respect, the way he is dealing/dealt with it is far healthier than what you are doing.

Do you want him to come to your doorstep begging and pleading for you to take him back? Because even that "best case" scenario wouldn't be healthy.

You said in your OP that it was a heated, tumultuous relationship. You were just wrong for eachother unfortunately. It seems like he has come to terms with thst and got back on his own path and met someone else.

You owe yourself the same. Sitting around getting bitter and twisted that he isn't still hung up on you is doing yourself no favours.

If it was meant to work out, it would have. But it didnt, so you have to see it as an important part of your life but one on which the door has shut. Take your lessons from it and try and use them to make your future relationships better.

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

You know that denial? Like theres no way he could ever love another like he did me? Our future is our future, its suppose to be us once we can figure out how to work together. Ride or die. Im so caught up in that fantasy, I cannot accept that he has moved on to someone else 

And you are clearly a bit obsessed with this guy now.

Look, people say all kinds of things to eachother when they are in love or infatuated. And most of the time they mean it, at the time.

But its ok for people to also grow apart and for those feelings to no longer apply.

[Hurt1234]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

And you are clearly a bit obsessed with this guy now.

Look, people say all kinds of things to eachother when they are in love or infatuated. And most of the time they mean it, at the time.

But its ok for people to also grow apart and for those feelings to no longer apply.

I admit, obsessed. It got better then he reached out 15 months ago. I spiraled again and still going. Dude, Im exhausted

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, Hurt1234 said:

You know that denial? Like theres no way he could ever love another like he did me? Our future is our future, its suppose to be us once we can figure out how to work together. Ride or die. Im so caught up in that fantasy, I cannot accept that he has moved on to someone else 

Part of an emotionally abusive relationship is that you may walk away from it but you have that glimmer of hope that the person didn't mean to be an a*****e, that they will come back and apologise and tell you they wish they hadn't treated you like that, that they adore you and want to live happily ever after with you. You're right that this is a fantasy, because you're also right that if he really loved you he would have put in a lot more effort to win you back. May I ask how he treated you in the relationship? Was he always a gentleman towards you? Did you feel loved and secure 100% of the time?