I just cant

[Anonymous]

4 yrs together. I dont even remember who broke it off this time because things were so heated. He reached out by text 18 months after we split asking how I was doing. I chose not to open his message as I was still hurting.

As time went on I wondered why he had never checked back in with me to see if I even got his message. I guess I was looking for effort at that point and I assumed if he had wanted to get in touch with me that badly, it is logical to try me again. By text, call, email etc.

As days went on and the follow up message never came, I felt better about not replying to his message. It had been a simple breadcrumb. That was 15 months ago. 

He recently changed his profile photo, something he hasnt dont in 10 years. It is a photo of him and a new woman on a beach down south.

The comments show that family members have met one another too. I am beyond broken. What did he want from me a year and a half ago? Did he move on because I ignored him? Does he hate me? Is he mad that I ignored his reach out and posting that photo to make me jealous as in, hey, I won the break up? No. he is genuinely happy.  All the stories I told myself about hope and reconciliation us, changing and building, us growing together. It all came down when I saw that photo. I cant even function.

[FredEire]

You dont know that.

You can't "win" a breakup. Its just two people moving on and they should just try and be happy for eachother and wish eachother the best for their future. In time you probably will.

My ex started dating a photographer a few weeks we broke up, they moved to Chicago and started living some idyllic high class boho lifestyle there, or what looked like it according to his pictures. I felt devastated and so inadequate.

5 years on and it seems like he has ditched her to go travelling and just posts about how he is free and living his best life, and she deleted all her social media. So things obviously were far from as perfect as they seemed.

It's a cliche but Instagram is usually very far from the reality of people's lives.

[Carlston]

Unfortunately since you chose not to respond to his message 18 months ago you'll probably never know what he wanted.

It could have been his way of opening up some dialogue for one more opportunity to make things work, or just a moment of weakness on his part.

Probably best to stop dwelling on what he wanted and move in the direction of "I don't care what he wanted, he's old news".

It takes time, but to be honest it's a bit troubling that you're so bad off after 1.5 years. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like he just did what most eventually do  - he moved on. 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Is he mad that I ignored his reach out and posting that photo to make me jealous as in, hey, I won the break up? No. he is genuinely happy.

It seems so, yes. I doubt him posting this has anything to do with you at all, actually. It's just someone who is excited about their current relationship and wanting to share, like many others on social media. 

I think you are simply realizing that your expectation that he would reach out again after you never replied was unrealistic. It's a shock to the system, sure, but I think it's actually for the best that you saw this. It's time to really remove him from your life so you can move on, too. 

[MsJayne]

Would you want him back if he hadn't met someone new, or is that why it stings so much? He's finding happiness with someone else, or so it looks. Whatever it was that he did, or didn't, do, whatever made you break up with him......he'll do the same thing to the next woman, and the next. It's been three years, you should be moving on now too, and you can start by not checking his social media . 

[Hurt1234]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

You dont know that.

You can't "win" a breakup. Its just two people moving on and they should just try and be happy for eachother and wish eachother the best for their future. In time you probably will.

My ex started dating a photographer a few weeks we broke up, they moved to Chicago and started living some idyllic high class boho lifestyle there, or what looked like it according to his pictures. I felt devastated and so inadequate.

5 years on and it seems like he has ditched her to go travelling and just posts about how he is free and living his best life, and she deleted all her social media. So things obviously were far from as perfect as they seemed.

It's a cliche but Instagram is usually very far from the reality of people's lives.

I know anything is possible. Hes a very private person and would never post a woman or introduce her to his family unless it was serious. 

I sometimes think he posted it to get a reaction out of me, thats the hope still hanging on, but then reality hits and I realize  that its not about me at all. Hes building a life with someone else and is genuinely happy. I cant seem to move on.

[Hurt1234]

5 hours ago, Carlston said:

Unfortunately since you chose not to respond to his message 18 months ago you'll probably never know what he wanted.

It could have been his way of opening up some dialogue for one more opportunity to make things work, or just a moment of weakness on his part.

Probably best to stop dwelling on what he wanted and move in the direction of "I don't care what he wanted, he's old news".

It takes time, but to be honest it's a bit troubling that you're so bad off after 1.5 years. 

 

It is very concerning I agree. No amount of therapy has helped. It is obvious that his message to me was sent during a weak moment of his that obviously passed fairly quickly since he never tried me again. In my heart I always felt we would return to one another so I never gave up hope. All that hope ruined me.

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

I know anything is possible. Hes a very private person and would never post a woman or introduce her to his family unless it was serious. 

I sometimes think he posted it to get a reaction out of me, thats the hope still hanging on, but then reality hits and I realize  that its not about me at all. Hes building a life with someone else and is genuinely happy. I cant seem to move on.

I'm sure it's probably serious if he's posting her on social media. That does not mean it is a perfect, idyllic relationship. You don't know anything about the real dynamic between them, and an Instagram highlight reel doesnt really prove anything one way or another.

More importantly though it has nothing to do with you now. Your relationship has passed, now its time to focus on yourself and just wish him well. If he was someone who you once loved, you should want him to have happiness in his life, not to crash and burn just to prove a point that he's toxic and nobody could love him.

One of the bitter pills of breakups and jealousy over new partners is the fact that they were totally wrong for you doesn't mean they are wrong for everybody. Maybe you are with someone wherein you just push eachothers buttons all the time and it doesnt work. That same person might meet someone who brings out the best in them and its just a more natural fit. That doesnt mean that you failed or you blew it, it just means that much as you tried you weren't a good match.

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

It is very concerning I agree. No amount of therapy has helped. It is obvious that his message to me was sent during a weak moment of his that obviously passed fairly quickly since he never tried me again. In my heart I always felt we would return to one another so I never gave up hope. All that hope ruined me.

I'm very against the idea that we have a "soulmate". I believe we have many, though admittedly they are rare on the scale of people we will meet in our life. It's not just romantic either, I have a couple of friendships where I feel we understand eachother on a level that isn't typical for most of the people I spend my time with.

Maybe you need to let go of the idea that having a soul bond with someone means that they have to come back to you. There may be one you spend the rest of your life with, but some of them are just meant to be there for a time in your life. If you can accept that you had that connection but that it served its purpose and you have now both moved on, you may be able to shed your feeling of connection with him.

I had the same experience with my ex. I felt a deeper connection with her than anyone I had before, and it took me two years to get over it. I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with a distinct sense that whatever I was feeling, she was feeling too. When we were dating, we would often seem to read eachothers' minds.

Maybe you relate to some of that. The key thing that helped me leave her in the past was accepting that although she may have been my soulmate, she wasn't meant to be in my life for a ling time. Once I accepted that, I could release myself and a few years on I can now see that in the sense of who we are and where we were in our lives we unfortunately were incompatible in so many ways.

Edited 2 hours ago by FredEire