she lied about her age by 10 years!

[Sony12]

Yes usually anytime someone puts an age range down that is tailored either younger or older than them it is usually viewed as a red flag to people who aren't interested in the same thing you are because age ranges are more about sexual interests than relationship interests. 

If you are really interested in finding a relationship on apps it is probably better to not put down an age range at all. Or if you do put it down it's best to put your own age right smack in the middle.

Edited Friday at 12:44 PM by Sony12

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Yes usually anytime someone puts an age range down that is tailored either younger or older than them it is usually viewed as a red flag to people who aren't interested in the same thing you are because age ranges are more about sexual interests than relationship interests. 

If you are really interested in finding a relationship on apps it is probably better to not put down an age range at all. Or if you do put it down it's best to put your own age right smack in the middle.

Why can't it be both?

Every decade puts you at a pretty different stage in your life. Apart from kids or sexual attraction there are a lot of reasons to want to date people who are your own age or younger.

Ok, if a 25 year old doesn't want to date a 35 year old it is probably one or both of the above. But if I'm say 40 and in the midst of my life and career it's reasonable not to want to date someone who's in their 60s, staring at retirement and to be blunt I know they've only got a certain amount of years left and I will have to deal with that loss while I am still relatively young.

It seems like because you're not into relationships yourself you view kids and sex appeal as the only things people consider.

And yes fwiw I know OP said he prefers slightly younger women because he finds them more attractive and I can see why people take issue with that. I still dont think you can equate it to something like 50 year old Dicaprio exclusively dating 19 year olds, or that it invalidates the issue in the lie that this woman he was dating told.

[Els]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

But if I'm say 40 and in the midst of my life and career it's reasonable not to want to date someone who's in their 60s,

This situation is a person who's 44 and says he doesn't want to date 46 year olds... Do you feel like that's reasonable? 

I feel like we're all talking over each other here lol. I don't actually see anyone saying the OP should stay with the woman who lied. 

[Sony12]

It doesn't matter because his response to her about how he 'needed to think about it' pretty much ended things right then anyhow. And can we please stop acting like the OP was some sort of victim of a dishonest individual. This lady is likely just as much of a victim of his actions as he was of hers. They dated for three months and they likely were sleeping together during that time. The OP would have had to have been extremely naive to go that long without realizing she wasn't being honest with him about how old she was. Yet if they were sleeping together he still would have been accepting all the sexual activity she was offering likely knowing full well that he was going to end things if just a smidget of dishonesty showed up.  He was likely using her the entire time.

 

[stillafool]

If she thinks age is just a number, why is she lying about it?  If she doesn't want an old man what makes her think you want an old woman?  I would have a problem with someone lying to me hoping I fall for them so they can trick me into a relationship or marriage.  I would break up with her so fast her head would spin.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

It doesn't matter because his response to her about how he 'needed to think about it' pretty much ended things right then anyhow. And can we please stop acting like the OP was some sort of victim of a dishonest individual. This lady is likely just as much of a victim of his actions as he was of hers. They dated for three months and they likely were sleeping together during that time. The OP would have had to have been extremely naive to go that long without realizing she wasn't being honest with him about how old she was. Yet if they were sleeping together he still would have been accepting all the sexual activity she was offering likely knowing full well that he was going to end things if just a smidget of dishonesty showed up.  He was likely using her the entire time.

 

What? There are plenty of 50 year olds out there who could pass for 40 if they have looked after themselves. Why should he automatically assume she was lying about something so basic?

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, FredEire said:

What? There are plenty of 50 year olds out there who could pass for 40 if they have looked after themselves. Why should he automatically assume she was lying about something so basic?

You can usually pick up on things like that when spending time around them. It really wouldn't take someone that long to figure out that a persons age was questionable. 

Not only by how they act but also you can easily Google search someone these days and usually find out how old they are. If she was 49 and trying to pass as a 39 year old to men she was meeting online a Google search would have said her real age range.

Edited Friday at 10:47 PM by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Sony12 said:

And can we please stop acting like the OP was some sort of victim of a dishonest individual.

8 hours ago, Sony12 said:

He was likely using her the entire time.

You seem to be quite triggered.  

It might be worth exploiring why that is. 

[Sony12]

44 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You seem to be quite triggered.  

It might be worth exploiring why that is. 

Lol no I'm not triggered. We just have people here who have different opinions. A lot of people here choose to give topic creators the benefit of the doubt a lot of times and I don't at times feel they should have the benefit of the doubt in many cases. I have the opinion that you learn through criticism more than you do through pats on the back.

Edited Saturday at 05:10 AM by Sony12

[Gebidozo]

I have to agree with those who think that it was a big deal.

Because they think (and I think so too) that lying about the age was wrong. Not the age gap itself, but the lie.

Now, as for the OP not wanting to date a woman just because she is 49 and not 39, that’s a whole different issue.

Yes, the OP’s rigid age preferences, in themselves, would probably be a red flag to many women.

But that only makes her lie a more serious matter. Whatever his preferences are, she knew about them, she agreed to date him, and she kept deceiving him about something that clearly matters a lot to him for quite a long time.

Edited Saturday at 05:18 AM by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I have the opinion that you learn through criticism more than you do through pats on the back.

Sure, and that's fine. But let others have their opinions too: 

9 hours ago, Sony12 said:

can we please stop acting like the OP was some sort of victim of a dishonest individual.

It's not up to you to decide how others respond. 

20 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

no I'm not triggered.

Agree to disagree.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Because they think (and I think so too) that lying about the age was wrong. Not the age gap itself, but the lie.

Yes, I think most would not be okay with this. But some have looser or lower standards than others, I suppose. 

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I have to agree with those who think that it was a big deal.

Because they think (and I think so too) that lying about the age was wrong. Not the age gap itself, but the lie.

Now, as for the OP not wanting to date a woman just because she is 49 and not 39, that’s a whole different issue.

Yes, the OP’s rigid age preferences, in themselves, would probably be a red flag to many women.

But that only makes her lie a more serious matter. Whatever his preferences are, she knew about them, she agreed to date him, and she kept deceiving him about something that clearly matters a lot to him for quite a long time.

One thing to keep in mind though is that it's very possible (if not likely) that she didn't know about his rigid age restrictions and that he would reject her as soon as he found out that she was older than she originally claimed. Most people just vaguely look over profiles and mainly focus on the pictures. And after they take things off the site people often completely forget about what their dates put on their profile.

Unless he told her that he doesn't date anyone over 45 there is a very real possibility she didn't know what his reaction would be to her telling him the truth. A lot of people wouldn't consider it to be that big of a deal after they have actually gotten to know the person a little bit.

[Carlston]

11 hours ago, Sony12 said:

It doesn't matter because his response to her about how he 'needed to think about it' pretty much ended things right then anyhow. And can we please stop acting like the OP was some sort of victim of a dishonest individual. This lady is likely just as much of a victim of his actions as he was of hers. 

What a silly comment. You can respond any way you want but you're out of line suggesting how others post on this forum. 

I see you're still justifying your opinion that there's nothing wrong with a person lying about their age by 10 years for 3 months.

Suffice it to say that most will disagree with this. The problem here is not with the Op who is clearly the victim of an extremely dishonest individual. 

 

[Els]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, the OP’s rigid age preferences, in themselves, would probably be a red flag to many women.

But that only makes her lie a more serious matter. Whatever his preferences are, she knew about them, she agreed to date him, and she kept deceiving him about something that clearly matters a lot to him for quite a long time.

Yeah, I agree with this. At the very least, something is not quite right with a person who sees something like that in a profile and instead of just swiping "no", tries to lie to them instead. 

 

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, Els said:

Yeah, I agree with this. At the very least, something is not quite right with a person who sees something like that in a profile and instead of just swiping "no", tries to lie to them instead. 

 

Welcome to the world of dating apps in the 2020's. People not being completely honest with each other is pretty much the norm anymore. It's why meeting people through friends.....coworkers.......real life acquaintances is a better option for many these days. When people view you as part of their real every day life they will be more prone to be honest with you.

Edited Saturday at 08:00 AM by Sony12

[FredEire]

15 hours ago, Sony12 said:

You can usually pick up on things like that when spending time around them. It really wouldn't take someone that long to figure out that a persons age was questionable. 

Not only by how they act but also you can easily Google search someone these days and usually find out how old they are. If she was 49 and trying to pass as a 39 year old to men she was meeting online a Google search would have said her real age range.

Well I like to assume the best when I meet people, I wouldn't automatically assume someone was lying about their age if they otherwise seemed like a decent honest person. Id be pretty shocked and disappointed if they were.

And I think it would only be obvious if she's someone who clearly looks over 40. My guess is that since she was comfortable lying about it in the first place she doesnt and likes to dine out on that fact. I have friends in their late 30s/40s and 50s and they dont act radically different.

I dont have my age online apart from a few mentions Ive made on this anonymous forum etc, a lot of people don't.

Again it seems like you're think because it wouldn't personally bother you or you might actually get a kick out of it it shouldn't bother anyone else.

Edited Saturday at 02:18 PM by FredEire

[smackie9]

What stood out to me is that, at 49 you found her attractive enough......

[Gaeta]

She is a liar and she took away your right to decide for yourself if a woman's age is right for you. It's not up to her to decide that for you. 

I did it once. A man I started dating told me he lied about his age by 5 years. At the time I was a bit naive so I forgave him and the relationship continued. I discovered over the 3  years we dated that he was very comfortable with lying. He lied several times about little things and big thing. 

She is a liar. End of story. 

People that don't have integrity online don't have integrity in real life. Don't kid yourself. 

[Acacia98]

OP, do you.

If you're only attracted to women who fit within a certain bracket, then you don't have to be apologetic about it. If you're feeling guilty because you think it's shallow, don't. Dating is the one sphere in life where we're allowed to have preferences, however shallow or discriminatory they appear to be to other people. Sometimes our preferences set us up to fail. So be it. If your preferences cause you to set unrealistic standards for women, you will have failed relationship after failed relationship. That will just be life balancing things out. Perhaps you will learn your lessons and grow; perhaps you won't.

If you were only attracted to women of your race, then I'd say date women of your race. I'd say, have the intelligence not to go around telling women of other races that you find them unattractive; just quietly do your thing. Believe me, emotionally healthy women of other races would not be thrilled to hear that a man who didn't find them attractive wanted to date them out of pity or a misguided sense of fairness. 

By the same token, if knowing that a woman is older than you turns you off, then don't date women who are older than you. I think you did the right thing when you selected your age preferences on the dating app/site. That's was you being honest about what you liked. If a woman chooses to disregard your preferences by lying about her age, well, she's setting herself up for rejection.

Oh, and FWIW, I once dated someone who lied about his age on a dating site. He told me the truth about it when we were setting up our first date. I went on to give him a chance, but, ultimately, the age difference ended up hurting our relationship. Our ages translated into our wanting very different things out of life... For instance, I wanted kids and he didn't. But he had initially said he was open to having kids. To date, I don't know whether he organically changed his mind along the way because he had time to really think about how having kids with me might change his life. Maybe that's what happened, or maybe he also initially lied about wanting to have kids because he knew that I wouldn't rule him out if he said that.