she lied about her age by 10 years!

[daveyboy9]

Met this girl, who actually is a really really nice girl, and in her profile her age was down as 39. We have been seeing each other for 3 months now, and relationship is developing well. I did ask her about her age early in the dating stage, and she said its the same as in the profile, i.e. 39. Very very recently, we were planning to go away, so she said before we book it, I need to tell you something. I lied about my age, and I am 49! I was taken about, and said I need to think about this, and she said why, its not a big deal its just a number. I did say that this is not lying about a couple of years but actually 10 years. She said its because I look young for my age, and I dont want someone that looks old as my dad, and I have dated younger guys who have been fine about it.  

I am a 44 year old male by the way, and I set a strict dating app filters from 35-45 as I find girls a bit younger than me attractive, and I would not have matched with her at the start had I have known her true age then. The difficult thing is that everything else about her, i.e. her attractiveness, her  values, her good heart, connection with me, personality etc are all so so good a match with me, but now knowing this massive 10 year age this is a big thing for me to accept. Especially now I know she will be 50 next year. A lot of people also tell me I look yound for my age. Am I being superficial, and very shallow as I have even thought oh my God her teeth may fall out soon, getting older etc - is this bad of me and should I see just the inner beauty or is this a big red flag? If I continue the relationship I am not sure if I will stop thinking about this.

I would like to add that we both are very clear in wanting a long term partner, and neither of us are interested in a short term fling or anything like that.

Edited Wednesday at 10:36 PM by daveyboy9

[MsJayne]

There's two possible answers here. One is that she lied, and it's not a small lie when you take into consideration that it's actually very deceitful to draw someone into an emotional connection before telling them something that would have made them reject you as a potential partner in the first instance. No matter how good her values are, this deception would make me view her with suspicion, what other lies might she have told to manipulate you? The other answer is that it's only a five year age gap, it's not like you're dating an OAP, (yet  - sorry, just kidding). She's only 5 years older so it's not a huge gap and it shouldn't be a big deal if your feelings are genuine and you see yourself with her as a long-term commitment. If you're a traditional guy, with the many connotations which can go with that, then I'm guessing having a younger partner is important to you for more reasons than just the supposedly superficial, so my advice would be that, no matter how nice she seems to be, someone who lies about their age in these circumstances is someone who cares way more about themselves than they do other people. Proceed with caution. 

Edited Wednesday at 11:34 PM by MsJayne

[Gebidozo]

There are two separate issues here, the age and the lie.

Personally, I don’t think age, per se, is a problem in your case, unless you want kids, which you haven’t mentioned. 10 years would be a big deal if you were, say, 16 and dating a 27 year old woman pretending to be 17. But dating a woman who is only 5 years older than you and looks younger is not something I’d worry about if I were in your shoes.

The lie, however, is a more serious issue. I understand putting up a fake age on an online dating app, although this would still rub me wrong even if she told the truth on the first date. But she waited nearly 3 months to disclose that information. That’s not something I’d be happy about if my partner did it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope, I would not continue dating this person. 

The age gap wouldn't really bother me, but the dishonesty and response when called out on it sure would. That would be my cue that I cannot trust her and that she will deceive people to get what she wants. She let this drag on for too long, and her dismissive attitude when called to task on it would be all the confirmation I need to send her on her way. 

[FredEire]

Oh boy. Why do people do this?

7 months into being official, my ex decided to tell me she was 33 not 25. I was 25 at the time and she told me she thought I wouldn't want to date an older woman.

That was after months of her accusing me of various forms of deceit with no real basis for it, and then suddenly reveling she had been deceiving me in a pretty big way herself.

I would say its a pretty big red flag for the trust in your relationship.

[daveyboy9]

It is a big lie for me, and a trust issue now, and how she was dismissing it a something very small makes it even worse. Drawing me into an emotional connection before telling me is bad too, as if she was expecting that if I get very deep feelings for her then I will be too attached/far into the relationship so would end up accepting this. Luckily I am headstrong, and am not blind in love to not think logically.

Thanks all for making the effort to reply and offer your opinions, it is much appreciated, and helped given me clarity, in that I am going to have to end things before they get more serious.

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, daveyboy9 said:

It is a big lie for me, and a trust issue now, and how she was dismissing it a something very small makes it even worse. Drawing me into an emotional connection before telling me is bad too, as if she was expecting that if I get very deep feelings for her then I will be too attached/far into the relationship so would end up accepting this. Luckily I am headstrong, and am not blind in love to not think logically.

Thanks all for making the effort to reply and offer your opinions, it is much appreciated, and helped given me clarity, in that I am going to have to end things before they get more serious.

I think you are right to be cautious of it. It may not seem like the biggest red flag, but it says a lot about her self-esteem, and how willing she is to lie to you.

[Sony12]

Hardly anyone is 100% honest about themselves on their dating profiles. Men usually try to exaggerate their financial situation because they know women like men who have a stable income. Women usually fudge on their age a little bit because they know many men like younger women.

While it definitely isn't good practice to start lying on your profile I would really only make a big deal about this if you yourself have been completely honest with her..........about everything. Five years isn't really that big of a difference when you are in your 40's. 

And lol if you find her really attractive now she isn't suddenly going to become unattractive to you just because she turns 50. A lot of women in their 50's are still very attractive. If she takes care of herself she will likely maintain her looks well into her 60's. And just between you and me a lot of women in that age group are very experienced in the bedroom and enjoy pleasing a younger man that they like.

It's up to you if you want to accept her fib but again I would only make a big deal about a 49 year old saying she is 39 if you yourself have absolutely been a 100% honest with her up to this point. Have you?

[Carlston]

It's not about the age it's about the LIE.

Well the age is part of it but it's mostly the big fat lie.

To make matters worse is she didn't admit it for MONTHS.  

If you don't walk away now, you're going to regret it. 

 

 

[Sony12]

15 minutes ago, Carlston said:

It's not about the age it's about the LIE.

Well the age is part of it but it's mostly the big fat lie.

To make matters worse is she didn't admit it for MONTHS.  

If you don't walk away now, you're going to regret it. 

 

 

While that might be true however if he does make a big deal of it then online dating probably isn't for him. As he is going to find few on dating apps are completely honest about themselves. 

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Hardly anyone is 100% honest about themselves on their dating profiles. Men usually try to exaggerate their financial situation because they know women like men who have a stable income. Women usually fudge on their age a little bit because they know many men like younger women.

While it definitely isn't good practice to start lying on your profile I would really only make a big deal about this if you yourself have been completely honest with her..........about everything. Five years isn't really that big of a difference when you are in your 40's. 

And lol if you find her really attractive now she isn't suddenly going to become unattractive to you just because she turns 50. A lot of women in their 50's are still very attractive. If she takes care of herself she will likely maintain her looks well into her 60's. And just between you and me a lot of women in that age group are very experienced in the bedroom and enjoy pleasing a younger man that they like.

It's up to you if you want to accept her fib but again I would only make a big deal about a 49 year old saying she is 39 if you yourself have absolutely been a 100% honest with her up to this point. Have you?

I think this is more the perspective of a guy who does casual dating.

If you're just out for fun it doesn't matter a damn really, as they're not going to be too involved in your life anyway.

I think the OP is looking at something more serious with her, in which case I would say it's a pretty significant lie.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, daveyboy9 said:

Drawing me into an emotional connection before telling me is bad too, as if she was expecting that if I get very deep feelings for her then I will be too attached/far into the relationship so would end up accepting this.

I am going to guess that was precisely her intention. 

It is selfish and deceitful.  I personally don't accept those qualities in someone I'm trying to from a partnership with. Good for you for upholding reasonable standards for yourself. 

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I think this is more the perspective of a guy who does casual dating.

If you're just out for fun it doesn't matter a damn really, as they're not going to be too involved in your life anyway.

I think the OP is looking at something more serious with her, in which case I would say it's a pretty significant lie.

While it's true I mainly focus on casual dating but at the same time people are going to have trouble finding individuals who are being a 100% honest with them no matter what they are looking for. Many of these gals know that these men on the apps are extremely superficial and that they are looking for something to fit into a very specific box. 

The OP probably is better off just trying to meet people through his friends if he is going to be that strict about honesty. He's going to have a difficult time finding anyone on the apps if he is going to cut off communication with a lady he is getting along well with just because she tried to write her profile in a way that would get more attention. 

[FredEire]

43 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

While it's true I mainly focus on casual dating but at the same time people are going to have trouble finding individuals who are being a 100% honest with them no matter what they are looking for. Many of these gals know that these men on the apps are extremely superficial and that they are looking for something to fit into a very specific box. 

The OP probably is better off just trying to meet people through his friends if he is going to be that strict about honesty. He's going to have a difficult time finding anyone on the apps if he is going to cut off communication with a lady he is getting along well with just because she tried to write her profile in a way that would get more attention. 

While you have a point about honesty on the apps I would see an acceptable lie as for example claiming your height is 185 when it's actually 180, not shaving 10 years off your age and keeping that charade up for months.

Having dated plenty of people on the apps the majority of exaggerations I came across was stuff like the former, maybe photos that had been edited a bit. If anyone did something like OP described that would be a major dealbreaker for me and I suspect for a lot of people, I don't think it's just that "online dating isn't for him".

[Sony12]

28 minutes ago, FredEire said:

While you have a point about honesty on the apps I would see an acceptable lie as for example claiming your height is 185 when it's actually 180, not shaving 10 years off your age and keeping that charade up for months.

Having dated plenty of people on the apps the majority of exaggerations I came across was stuff like the former, maybe photos that had been edited a bit. If anyone did something like OP described that would be a major dealbreaker for me and I suspect for a lot of people, I don't think it's just that "online dating isn't for him".

 

The reason I don't see it as a big deal is because he freely admitted that they were getting along really well.........so much so that they were planning on taking a trip together. If she continued to lie to him after they agreed to become more serious then that would be different. However the only lie we know about is her smudging her age on her profile on a dating app. And that technically wasn't even about him. It was simply about trying to open herself up to potentially getting more attention on the apps.

As soon as she felt it might be becoming more serious though she was honest with him about it. And that is credit to her. No reason for her to come clean to a guy she was merely going on Saturday night dates with and potentially spending the night with.

The apps aren't for him if he is going to be that uptight about that stuff. And nothing wrong with that as the apps aren't for a lot of people these days. I am sure this lady has done the same thing with other men on the apps and they were fine with it and that's why she didn't see a problem with it.

Edited yesterday at 04:53 PM by Sony12

[flitzanu]

thats a no from me, dawg.

a lie is a lie, and this wasn't like, by omission or by ignoring the age question, she lied and told you a wrong age.  i wouldn't trust that person not to lie about other things so easily, especially since it is a lie to manipulate people.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

I don't think it's just that "online dating isn't for him".

It defintely isn't, no. 

For pletny of people, this sort of behaviour would fall short of the minimum standard of what one expects in a fledgling relationship - online or not. Maybe some are fine with such a lie, in which case, I would be fine to send her packing to one of those men. OPs and this woman's values clearly conflict, and he's better off findinng someone who doesn't play fast and loose with the truth. 

[Els]

23 hours ago, daveyboy9 said:

I am a 44 year old male by the way, and I set a strict dating app filters from 35-45 as I find girls a bit younger than me attractive

Obviously lying is wrong and you shouldn't proceed with this relationship because who knows what else she could be lying about... but this is a weird reason, just FYI. 

You find someone attractive when you find them attractive. You can see these people's appearances for yourself (and you did see hers - for 3 months, in person!). Why the need for the extra filter? 

Again this relationship is as good as dead, but you should have a think about this requirement of yours if you're looking for a LTR. People who only date younger generally strike others as shallow. Men only get away with it if they can offer something specific that the woman wants, usually money or immigration. I guarantee you that lots of relationship material women are going to be eliminating you after seeing that requirement paired with your age. Even if they are in your desired age range - it's just a red flag.

If you have no issues finding a partner, then by all means keep doing what you're doing. Otherwise, think about it.

Edited 20 hours ago by Els

[Sony12]

I think a lot of the guys on these apps looking for 'slightly younger women' would be dating a lot younger women if the a lot younger women would talk to them.

[Els]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

I think a lot of the guys on these apps looking for 'slightly younger women' would be dating a lot younger women if the a lot younger women would talk to them.

Yes. This is part of why it's a red flag IMO.  

[Sony12]

If the OP had mentioned that having kids in the future was important to him than that would have been a legitimate reason to make a big deal about a 49 year old not being completely honest about her age. However he made absolutely no mention about future kids. All he mentioned was that he wanted an attractive lady.. Yes the OP is a red flag as well.

Edited 19 hours ago by Sony12

[FredEire]

26 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If the OP had mentioned that having kids in the future was important to him than that would have been a legitimate reason to make a big deal about a 49 year old not being completely honest about her age. However he made absolutely no mention about future kids. All he mentioned was that he wanted an attractive lady.. Yes the OP is a red flag as well.

The concern is that she lied about something so basic, for a long time. It's a pretty legit reason.

I really think you're looking at it through a hook-up dating lens. Of course you're not going to care if someone is a liar or a crazy person, or whatever, if your only aim is hot sex.

If you're thinking about building a life with someone on the other hand being willingly deceitful about basic info and not coming clean about it quickly is something you should absolutely think twice about.

[FredEire]

Another thing I want to add is you say in OP that she came clean when you going on holiday together. The same exact situation happened to me.

It was because you were going to see her passport, and the penny would drop if she hadn't told you herself. She was willing to keep the charade going for god knows how long.

[Sony12]

15 minutes ago, FredEire said:

The concern is that she lied about something so basic, for a long time. It's a pretty legit reason.

I really think you're looking at it through a hook-up dating lens. Of course you're not going to care if someone is a liar or a crazy person, or whatever, if your only aim is hot sex.

If you're thinking about building a life with someone on the other hand being willingly deceitful about basic info and not coming clean about it quickly is something you should absolutely think twice about.

The OP never states how seriously they were dating prior to them thinking about going on a trip together. They both very easily could have been multi dating at that point. She did come clean though when the perception started appearing that things were becoming more serious. 

If the OP is intent on only dating a very specific age range than he really does need to have better reasons than merely wanting an attractive lady. If that is the only reason than he is really no better than all those people who are purely looking for casual sex. Only allowing a relationship to form if it fits into a very specific box really isn't any better than saying you only want sex from someone.

Edited 18 hours ago by Sony12

[Els]

8 hours ago, FredEire said:

The concern is that she lied about something so basic, for a long time. It's a pretty legit reason.

Yes, of course.

I think it's possible for both things to simultaneously be true. It's wrong to lie and the OP should leave. But also OP might benefit from a bit of introspection, if he truly wants to find a happy and healthy LTR.

I'm a woman in the OP's "desired range". Also, I (and many of my friends) have been in happy marriages/LTRs for many years. Most of us would consider it a dealbreaker if a guy wanted to only date people 1-10 years younger than himself, even though we are in his preferred range. It's a massive red flag.

Edited 9 hours ago by Els