she lied about her age by 10 years!

[daveyboy9]

Met this girl, who actually is a really really nice girl, and in her profile her age was down as 39. We have been seeing each other for 3 months now, and relationship is developing well. I did ask her about her age early in the dating stage, and she said its the same as in the profile, i.e. 39. Very very recently, we were planning to go away, so she said before we book it, I need to tell you something. I lied about my age, and I am 49! I was taken about, and said I need to think about this, and she said why, its not a big deal its just a number. I did say that this is not lying about a couple of years but actually 10 years. She said its because I look young for my age, and I dont want someone that looks old as my dad, and I have dated younger guys who have been fine about it.  

I am a 44 year old male by the way, and I set a strict dating app filters from 35-45 as I find girls a bit younger than me attractive, and I would not have matched with her at the start had I have known her true age then. The difficult thing is that everything else about her, i.e. her attractiveness, her  values, her good heart, connection with me, personality etc are all so so good a match with me, but now knowing this massive 10 year age this is a big thing for me to accept. Especially now I know she will be 50 next year. A lot of people also tell me I look yound for my age. Am I being superficial, and very shallow as I have even thought oh my God her teeth may fall out soon, getting older etc - is this bad of me and should I see just the inner beauty or is this a big red flag? If I continue the relationship I am not sure if I will stop thinking about this.

I would like to add that we both are very clear in wanting a long term partner, and neither of us are interested in a short term fling or anything like that.

Edited 19 hours ago by daveyboy9

[MsJayne]

There's two possible answers here. One is that she lied, and it's not a small lie when you take into consideration that it's actually very deceitful to draw someone into an emotional connection before telling them something that would have made them reject you as a potential partner in the first instance. No matter how good her values are, this deception would make me view her with suspicion, what other lies might she have told to manipulate you? The other answer is that it's only a five year age gap, it's not like you're dating an OAP, (yet  - sorry, just kidding). She's only 5 years older so it's not a huge gap and it shouldn't be a big deal if your feelings are genuine and you see yourself with her as a long-term commitment. If you're a traditional guy, with the many connotations which can go with that, then I'm guessing having a younger partner is important to you for more reasons than just the supposedly superficial, so my advice would be that, no matter how nice she seems to be, someone who lies about their age in these circumstances is someone who cares way more about themselves than they do other people. Proceed with caution. 

Edited 18 hours ago by MsJayne

[Gebidozo]

There are two separate issues here, the age and the lie.

Personally, I don’t think age, per se, is a problem in your case, unless you want kids, which you haven’t mentioned. 10 years would be a big deal if you were, say, 16 and dating a 27 year old woman pretending to be 17. But dating a woman who is only 5 years older than you and looks younger is not something I’d worry about if I were in your shoes.

The lie, however, is a more serious issue. I understand putting up a fake age on an online dating app, although this would still rub me wrong even if she told the truth on the first date. But she waited nearly 3 months to disclose that information. That’s not something I’d be happy about if my partner did it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope, I would not continue dating this person. 

The age gap wouldn't really bother me, but the dishonesty and response when called out on it sure would. That would be my cue that I cannot trust her and that she will deceive people to get what she wants. She let this drag on for too long, and her dismissive attitude when called to task on it would be all the confirmation I need to send her on her way. 

[FredEire]

Oh boy. Why do people do this?

7 months into being official, my ex decided to tell me she was 33 not 25. I was 25 at the time and she told me she thought I wouldn't want to date an older woman.

That was after months of her accusing me of various forms of deceit with no real basis for it, and then suddenly reveling she had been deceiving me in a pretty big way herself.

I would say its a pretty big red flag for the trust in your relationship.

[daveyboy9]

It is a big lie for me, and a trust issue now, and how she was dismissing it a something very small makes it even worse. Drawing me into an emotional connection before telling me is bad too, as if she was expecting that if I get very deep feelings for her then I will be too attached/far into the relationship so would end up accepting this. Luckily I am headstrong, and am not blind in love to not think logically.

Thanks all for making the effort to reply and offer your opinions, it is much appreciated, and helped given me clarity, in that I am going to have to end things before they get more serious.

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, daveyboy9 said:

It is a big lie for me, and a trust issue now, and how she was dismissing it a something very small makes it even worse. Drawing me into an emotional connection before telling me is bad too, as if she was expecting that if I get very deep feelings for her then I will be too attached/far into the relationship so would end up accepting this. Luckily I am headstrong, and am not blind in love to not think logically.

Thanks all for making the effort to reply and offer your opinions, it is much appreciated, and helped given me clarity, in that I am going to have to end things before they get more serious.

I think you are right to be cautious of it. It may not seem like the biggest red flag, but it says a lot about her self-esteem, and how willing she is to lie to you.

[Sony12]

Hardly anyone is 100% honest about themselves on their dating profiles. Men usually try to exaggerate their financial situation because they know women like men who have a stable income. Women usually fudge on their age a little bit because they know many men like younger women.

While it definitely isn't good practice to start lying on your profile I would really only make a big deal about this if you yourself have been completely honest with her..........about everything. Five years isn't really that big of a difference when you are in your 40's. 

And lol if you find her really attractive now she isn't suddenly going to become unattractive to you just because she turns 50. A lot of women in their 50's are still very attractive. If she takes care of herself she will likely maintain her looks well into her 60's. And just between you and me a lot of women in that age group are very experienced in the bedroom and enjoy pleasing a younger man that they like.

It's up to you if you want to accept her fib but again I would only make a big deal about a 49 year old saying she is 39 if you yourself have absolutely been a 100% honest with her up to this point. Have you?

[Carlston]

It's not about the age it's about the LIE.

Well the age is part of it but it's mostly the big fat lie.

To make matters worse is she didn't admit it for MONTHS.  

If you don't walk away now, you're going to regret it. 

 

 

[Sony12]

15 minutes ago, Carlston said:

It's not about the age it's about the LIE.

Well the age is part of it but it's mostly the big fat lie.

To make matters worse is she didn't admit it for MONTHS.  

If you don't walk away now, you're going to regret it. 

 

 

While that might be true however if he does make a big deal of it then online dating probably isn't for him. As he is going to find few on dating apps are completely honest about themselves. 

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Hardly anyone is 100% honest about themselves on their dating profiles. Men usually try to exaggerate their financial situation because they know women like men who have a stable income. Women usually fudge on their age a little bit because they know many men like younger women.

While it definitely isn't good practice to start lying on your profile I would really only make a big deal about this if you yourself have been completely honest with her..........about everything. Five years isn't really that big of a difference when you are in your 40's. 

And lol if you find her really attractive now she isn't suddenly going to become unattractive to you just because she turns 50. A lot of women in their 50's are still very attractive. If she takes care of herself she will likely maintain her looks well into her 60's. And just between you and me a lot of women in that age group are very experienced in the bedroom and enjoy pleasing a younger man that they like.

It's up to you if you want to accept her fib but again I would only make a big deal about a 49 year old saying she is 39 if you yourself have absolutely been a 100% honest with her up to this point. Have you?

I think this is more the perspective of a guy who does casual dating.

If you're just out for fun it doesn't matter a damn really, as they're not going to be too involved in your life anyway.

I think the OP is looking at something more serious with her, in which case I would say it's a pretty significant lie.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, daveyboy9 said:

Drawing me into an emotional connection before telling me is bad too, as if she was expecting that if I get very deep feelings for her then I will be too attached/far into the relationship so would end up accepting this.

I am going to guess that was precisely her intention. 

It is selfish and deceitful.  I personally don't accept those qualities in someone I'm trying to from a partnership with. Good for you for upholding reasonable standards for yourself. 

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I think this is more the perspective of a guy who does casual dating.

If you're just out for fun it doesn't matter a damn really, as they're not going to be too involved in your life anyway.

I think the OP is looking at something more serious with her, in which case I would say it's a pretty significant lie.

While it's true I mainly focus on casual dating but at the same time people are going to have trouble finding individuals who are being a 100% honest with them no matter what they are looking for. Many of these gals know that these men on the apps are extremely superficial and that they are looking for something to fit into a very specific box. 

The OP probably is better off just trying to meet people through his friends if he is going to be that strict about honesty. He's going to have a difficult time finding anyone on the apps if he is going to cut off communication with a lady he is getting along well with just because she tried to write her profile in a way that would get more attention. 

[FredEire]

43 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

While it's true I mainly focus on casual dating but at the same time people are going to have trouble finding individuals who are being a 100% honest with them no matter what they are looking for. Many of these gals know that these men on the apps are extremely superficial and that they are looking for something to fit into a very specific box. 

The OP probably is better off just trying to meet people through his friends if he is going to be that strict about honesty. He's going to have a difficult time finding anyone on the apps if he is going to cut off communication with a lady he is getting along well with just because she tried to write her profile in a way that would get more attention. 

While you have a point about honesty on the apps I would see an acceptable lie as for example claiming your height is 185 when it's actually 180, not shaving 10 years off your age and keeping that charade up for months.

Having dated plenty of people on the apps the majority of exaggerations I came across was stuff like the former, maybe photos that had been edited a bit. If anyone did something like OP described that would be a major dealbreaker for me and I suspect for a lot of people, I don't think it's just that "online dating isn't for him".

[Sony12]

28 minutes ago, FredEire said:

While you have a point about honesty on the apps I would see an acceptable lie as for example claiming your height is 185 when it's actually 180, not shaving 10 years off your age and keeping that charade up for months.

Having dated plenty of people on the apps the majority of exaggerations I came across was stuff like the former, maybe photos that had been edited a bit. If anyone did something like OP described that would be a major dealbreaker for me and I suspect for a lot of people, I don't think it's just that "online dating isn't for him".

 

The reason I don't see it as a big deal is because he freely admitted that they were getting along really well.........so much so that they were planning on taking a trip together. If she continued to lie to him after they agreed to become more serious then that would be different. However the only lie we know about is her smudging her age on her profile on a dating app. And that technically wasn't even about him. It was simply about trying to open herself up to potentially getting more attention on the apps.

As soon as she felt it might be becoming more serious though she was honest with him about it. And that is credit to her. No reason for her to come clean to a guy she was merely going on Saturday night dates with and potentially spending the night with.

The apps aren't for him if he is going to be that uptight about that stuff. And nothing wrong with that as the apps aren't for a lot of people these days. I am sure this lady has done the same thing with other men on the apps and they were fine with it and that's why she didn't see a problem with it.

Edited 1 hour ago by Sony12