Unsure how to voice apprehension and early frustration with girlfriend.

[MightyEagle]

I started talking to this girl early last month. We've been an official couple for 2 weeks now. We went on several dates and I liked the person that she was. However, there are two things that make me feel pessimistic about the future and unsure how to address them. Firstly, she has an ex that she was with for atleast a year. He lived with her and her family because he was homeless. He ended up cheating on her multiple times with guys and she kept taking him back because she's a bad people pleaser. It got to a point where he brought guys to her place and eventually she ended it with him. However, they're still on "good" terms. She still follows him on social media and texts him on occasion. Recently I saw her text him asking for a favor and his profile is still on her gaming system (she doesn't really use it anymore), but I noticed it and I'm not sure if she did too while scrolling through it. Either way, she still keeps in contact with him even after all of that. The second thing she has a really abusive mother who singles her out and she recently sent me a long voice message about her mom and how she was treating her and how unfair it is. She was just venting about the situation and telling me what was going on (we usually FT at that time due to my crazy work schedule keeping me away for long periods of time). I wrote back a long heartfelt message to her encouraging her, validating her experience and praising her for being strong about it. She left me on delivered for an hour while she ubered home (deliberately took her time sightseeing on the way back home- her words). And finally responded as she was walking in the door with another voice message complaining about her mom and explaining more about how her mom is unfair to her, without even acknowledging what I said to her. I can't really explain why it bothered me so much that the comment that I put so much effort in being completely disregarded bothered me, but it did. I just sent her a text later telling her that I was there for her (very early in the morning) and she woke up saying thanks. I feel that I've been so encouraging and supportive of her to this point that she feels like she doesn't have to give much energy back. She has a problem saying no to others and people pleasing, she said so herself, including to me early on. Maybe I'm not mature enough but I feel an urge to voice my displeasure in regards to that and I'm feeling apprehensive regarding her ex. I don't know how long ago they broke up, but to maintain contact like that and text him asking him to do her a favor rubbed me the wrong way. I feel like her ability to set boundaries isn't good. 

[ShyViolet]

So you've only known this girl about a month.... she's still a virtual stranger to you.  You shouldn't even be calling her your "girlfriend" at this point.  And she's already showing several signs that her life is a trainwreck and there's something not quite right about her.  She's putting a lot of drama and dysfunctional behavior on full display.  If you have good judgment you will be very careful getting involved with this girl.  She has made, and continues to make, a lot of bad choices in her life and honestly she sounds crazy.

[MsJayne]

You only met this girl a month ago and she's already dumping her family drama on you, is that really what you want in a partner? It's sad that she has problems with her mother, but at this early stage of a relationship it's not your job to be a support system. Then there's the toxic attachment to some guy she dated for a year, this isn't just 'people pleasing', it's a complete lack of self-respect. I say cut this girl loose, these issues will only get bigger as you become more enmeshed with her. 

[MightyEagle]

Thanks for the comments guys. I definitely moved fast with this one lol we had 5 dates (all of which ended up being really long dates with a lot of conversation) and we both felt compatible family, career and faith wise. I don’t agree that she’s crazy but definitely needs to gain better self respect. She did tell me a lot of this stuff about how her mom is financially and emotionally manipulative and I as a naturally empathetic person gave her an ear (even minus the romantic feelings) because I wanted to know and I wanted to encourage her (she never demanded it of me). And also she kinda had to because her mom and sister have a habit of trying to leach off her boyfriends for convenience. She had to lie to her sister about me not having a car because she knew her sister was gonna start begging me for rides in the city. 
 

You guys are telling me to cut her off, but I feel like I owe her a conversation about things going forward to see where we’re at before doing something like that. I still like her and see potential for us but Im not blind to the risks here. I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thinks his continuing presence is uncomfortable. I needed validation on that that I’m not just being jealous or possessive. I’m not going to try to change her or try to be her therapist but I will set a boundary and tell her that this won’t work if she doesn’t respect it. Does that sound reasonable or am I being stupid lol. 

[ShyViolet]

17 minutes ago, MightyEagle said:

Does that sound reasonable or am I being stupid lol. 

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to say the latter.

You've been with this girl 2 weeks and there are already all these red flags and all this drama.  You have poor boundaries yourself if you don't recognize this as a disaster waiting to happen.  She sounds like a mess.

[Gebidozo]

21 minutes ago, MightyEagle said:

You guys are telling me to cut her off, but I feel like I owe her a conversation about things going forward to see where we’re at before doing something like that.

But what would such a conversation accomplish?

You’ve been talking to that girl for only one month, you’ve been together for only two weeks. You can’t have possibly already decided that this is going to be a long-term relationship. You’re either in the early stages of dating or this is just a short romance that is already burning out.

In either case, bringing her family into this is quite insane. You guys are basically complete strangers and you already know way too much about the weird, toxic behavior of people around her.

It is a known red flag when dating begins with such long-winded complaints and entanglement into family drama.

I don’t think the ex situation is a big deal, it’s her ex and her choice to forgive him or not, cut off contact or not. As long as her communication with her ex doesn’t negatively affect your relationship, that is.

But anyway, you don’t owe her anything. If you feel so uncomfortable with her after mere two weeks, I’m not sure why you feel you need to invest more emotions, time, and effort into that.

[MightyEagle]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But what would such a conversation accomplish?

You’ve been talking to that girl for only one month, you’ve been together for only two weeks. You can’t have possibly already decided that this is going to be a long-term relationship. You’re either in the early stages of dating or this is just a short romance that is already burning out.

In either case, bringing her family into this is quite insane. You guys are basically complete strangers and you already know way too much about the weird, toxic behavior of people around her.

It is a known red flag when dating begins with such long-winded complaints and entanglement into family drama.

I don’t think the ex situation is a big deal, it’s her ex and her choice to forgive him or not, cut off contact or not. As long as her communication with her ex doesn’t negatively affect your relationship, that is.

But anyway, you don’t owe her anything. If you feel so uncomfortable with her after mere two weeks, I’m not sure why you feel you need to invest more emotions, time, and effort into that.

We’ve been talking for well over a month. When we started dating we both made it clear that we were looking for something long term and not a casual relationship. 
 

I don’t have a problem with her forgiving him. I have a problem with her keeping him in her orbit after such a toxic situation. It speaks to a lack of respect for herself and boundaries that is a massive problem with me. I trust her to not cheat, but I don’t trust him nor do I know if I can really trust her judgment if she can’t see that this isn’t normal. 
 

you’re right I don’t owe her but I just want to give her the opportunity to see why this doesn’t sit right with me 

[MightyEagle]

49 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to say the latter.

You've been with this girl 2 weeks and there are already all these red flags and all this drama.  You have poor boundaries yourself if you don't recognize this as a disaster waiting to happen.  She sounds like a mess.

You’re honestly probably right but I’m still gonna just try to talk to her and set that boundary with her now and see if she can accept it or not. The family issues don’t bother me at all because it’s not she dumped them on me, I wanted a relationship with clear communication and understanding and would rather not date her for 6 months before knowing that her mom is kinda crazy. But the other part is an issue for me. Also it’s been more than 2 weeks. We’ve been talking consistently for weeks 

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, MightyEagle said:

We’ve been talking for well over a month. When we started dating we both made it clear that we were looking for something long term and not a casual relationship. 

Looking for a long term relationship is not the same as actually having one, and also not the same as being compatible for it just because you both want it. This is just the beginning of your relationship and already you’re enmeshed in her family drama. I think this is a red flag.

 

8 minutes ago, MightyEagle said:

I have a problem with her keeping him in her orbit after such a toxic situation.

Well, sorry, but who she keeps or doesn’t keep in her orbit is entirely her decision. You can’t just tell her to stop communicating with that ex if that’s what she wants. You can’t change her or dictate to her how she should behave with other people. The only thing you can do is break up with her if the presence of her ex bothers you so much.

 

 

[MightyEagle]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Looking for a long term relationship is not the same as actually having one, and also not the same as being compatible for it just because you both want it. This is just the beginning of your relationship and already you’re enmeshed in her family drama. I think this is a red flag.

 

Well, sorry, but who she keeps or doesn’t keep in her orbit is entirely her decision. You can’t just tell her to stop communicating with that ex if that’s what she wants. You can’t change her or dictate to her how she should behave with other people. The only thing you can do is break up with her if the presence of her ex bothers you so much.

 

 

 

That’s true but I guess I just thought that I can’t control her family and I’m not dating her family and I wouldn’t turn away someone a da that I liked because they have a toxic family. To this point her family drama hasn’t effected me or our ability to hang out but just because it hasn’t doesn’t mean it won’t. 

True but I can tell her that it makes me uncomfortable. She texted him asking if he could pick up her brother from school and still has his profile saved on her gaming console. I’ll respect her decision to keep him around but I feel justified in not liking it and communicating that with her. 

Edited 19 hours ago by MightyEagle

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is not ready for another relationship. 

She is still hung up on her ex. The fact that you don't really see this is concerning. It's not about her being a "bad people pleaser." It's about her still being in love with him and not being ready to let go. I don't think you quite get that having a conversation about your discomfort with him is not going to move the dial as far as her true feelings are concerned. 

I think you moved way too quickly and didn't take the proper time to assess if this woman is acutally relationship material at this point. It seems pretty clear that she is not. 

[MightyEagle]

I texted her earlier today that I needed to have an important conversation with her later and she said okay and said she also had something to say. Later we called and I told her to go first and the first thing that she said before I said a word was that her communication was lacking and uneven and she wasn’t reciprocating what I was giving and that she would do better at it. She said that she didn’t do a good job prioritizing the relationship and that she would work on being better at it and reiterated that communication was a big thing between us. She then asked what I had to say and I told her my boundaries and she said okay and that she had only kept contact with him because she felt obligated since he’s still homeless but he did hurt her and she understood why I felt that way and she said she’d cut contact. She didn’t try to argue or plead her case, just said that I was fair to have that boundary and that she’d respect it. The conversation lasted maybe 10 minutes max. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You're way too much into how can I talk to her about the problems mode. 

But you're only a couple of weeks in--so you really don't have the right to talk to her that way.  The mode you need to be in is Let me see if this woman has her act together and is worth really trying to get to know better. 

No, you're not dating her yet. You're talking about dating. 

And yes, I would run at this point. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, MightyEagle said:

had only kept contact with him because she felt obligated since he’s still homeless

Well, this is a load of equine manure. She contacted him to pick up her brother. That has zero to do with feeling obligated to him, and zero to do with his homelessness. 

My man, you need to wake up a bit here. You have been official for two weeks and already she's trying to sell you her nonsense. I fear you are going to learn the hard way that this is not what the beginning of a good relationship looks like. 

 

[MightyEagle]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, this is a load of equine manure. She contacted him to pick up her brother. That has zero to do with feeling obligated to him, and zero to do with his homelessness. 

My man, you need to wake up a bit here. You have been official for two weeks and already she's trying to sell you her nonsense. I fear you are going to learn the hard way that this is not what the beginning of a good relationship looks like. 

 

I know, I very well will learn the hard way here but a part of me feels that she provided enough plausible deniability to give her the benefit of the doubt. The only time I’ve ever seen her text him was when she texted him (among others) asking to pick her brother up when she, her mother and sister physically couldn’t. She talked about it like he was just a convenience in the moment and she really doesn’t have any good will with him. She has openly admitted that she has been bad about cutting people off who aren’t good in her life Her entire friend group knows the situation that unfolded between them and it clearly had some impact on her since I remember her asking if I was bi on our first date lol. Like I said yesterday, I felt that a boundary had to be set and she seemingly respect it and gave me assurance that she understood why I’d see it as a problem. I’m not emotionally invested enough to overlook every flaw with her but I have a good enough idea of her personality to believe- for now- that she respects our relationship enough to cut that off. If she has tried to argue it or deny anything I  would been far more skeptical but she straight up apologized.