I am pathologically jealous. I should leave my girlfriend for her sake. I am an infant in a man's body

[Anonymous]

I am 36 and in many areas of my life am perfectly adapted. As much or more than my age would suggest, at least.

 

Great job, good family relations, have my own place, take care of myself.

 

One illustration is that my girlfriend and I were talking on the phone after work (this time of year is busy for both of us and our time is cut in half)

She told me her friend was calling and said she needed help

 

 

We hang up and she is on the phone with her for about an hour and a half and by that point it's time for me to sleep.

I didn't say anything to her about it. I was peaceful and cordial. We said our good nights. 

I'm sure she could tell I was off.

 

I was jealous she got off the phone with me to help her friend.

Isn't that the most pathetic thing.

 

At my age I feel like I don't have any hope. I've dealt with jealousy and intimate relationship issues for as long as I can remember.

If something like your partner ending a phone call to help a friend ruins your night you are a very sad human being. 

 

I am embarrassed at what I turned out to be. 

 

And I already know my pattern. I know I am in the wrong so even though I don't want to talk to her tomorrow I will force myself to, and in a day or two I'll get over it.

It is so exhausting getting upset at little tiny insignificant things like that.

[Gebidozo]

First of all, you’re not alone. I used to have serious pathological jealousy issues, comparable to what you’re describing.

Second, the most important thing here is that you recognize the problem. You know it’s you, it’s not her. You know that what you’re feeling is not normal. That’s very important.

A lot of people are possessed by harmful emotions and aren’t even aware of that. They blame it on others and don’t think they have a problem. You, on the contrary, have a clear perception of what’s happening.

Now, where you’re wrong is in assuming that you’re somehow “cursed” and unable to change. Yes, you can, it’ll just take a lot of work, which you should be prepared to do.

Leaving your girlfriend because you think she deserves to be with someone who isn’t as jealous as you would be an act of weakness and disrespect to your girlfriend. She knows what she wants. She chose to be with you. Don’t make her decisions for her.

I can very much relate to your situation. Some time ago, I was also feeling desperate about my problems that kept undermining our relationship with my partner.

I said this to myself, “I know she deserves a better man. But I can’t stand the thought of her being with someone else. So the only solution is for me to become that better man”.

Once you’ve firmly decided that and abandoned all thought of leaving your girlfriend, you’ll need to start working on your problem.

Jealousy is a symptom of control issues, and control issues always stem from deep insecurities, irrational fears, and lack of self-love.

Basically, you want to control your girlfriend’s behavior because you’re afraid she’ll leave you, because you think you aren’t good enough for her, because you don’t actually love yourself.

The irrational part of your mind, possessed by those fears and insecurities, begins to panic, gives in to the fears, and starts interpreting everything your girlfriend does or says in such a way that it feeds those fears.

This is a disease, and it can be treated. You can meditate on that and try to solve it on your own by applying rational thought and fighting your fears, or you could find a good therapist to help you, which would be preferable.

Edited 17 hours ago by Gebidozo

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, what I say might not make sense to you. But I'm not a jealous person ... except ... and it took me a while to figure out the exceptions, the times when I am jealous.

And when I stepped back, I saw a pattern in the times I felt jealous.

#1: I felt that way when I wasn't really being myself in the relationship—and I was avoiding the truth that I really wasn’t excited about the relationship.

#2: I felt that way when I was overly focused on "giving" in the relationship instead of giving and asking for what I need. Trying to win someone over constantly by being “nice” doesn’t work #1 … and it’s exhausting #2. And it creates an obvious imbalance that even if your mind doesn’t want to acknowledge it, your body and spirit know what’s going on.

#3: I felt that way paradoxically when I was NOT that into the person. When I was deliberately and effortfully looking past qualities I really didn't like. They'd do something that annoyed me and suddenly I'd be jealous--and I'm not sure jealous is the right word. I would get over annoyed because I wasn’t excited in the first place.

Maybe push aside for a moment if you can the easy answer that you are pathologically jealous. Do any of the above situations apply?

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

You sound like you are really struggling with your mental health, with some very irrational and self-destructive thoughts.  Have you ever sought out professional help or therapy to work on this?