Feel like it must be me.

[WorldTraveler]

Just ended things with a woman that I've been seeing for the last two months and I feel horrible and now questioning myself. I've been told by friends and family that I'm too picky and I can acknowledge there's truth to that. And yet I understand that no one is perfect and I'm not looking for perfection by any means. With this last woman she was pretty, very sweet and thoughtful, displayed affection and never once played any mind games. Even more we shared many similar hobbies and the sex was pretty good. But despite all of this I just didn't feel many romantic feelings. I enjoyed her company but I didn't find myself overly excited for our dates or the thought of a future together. This is in contrast to women I've dated in the past where the woman is all I can think about and can't wait to see them again. I'm not sure if this means there's a lack of chemistry despite all the other positives that come with her or what but it's disheartening. However, at the same time these past women often presented a little more of a challenge and I'm not sure if this is the reason for my lack of romantic feelings or not. I'm just so exhausted with dating at this point and can't help but thinking what if it's me? And worst of all I just feel so bad because this woman is such a sweet genuine person with such a great soul and ending things with her makes me feel so horrible.

[FredEire]

Maybe like a lot of people you are addicted to the toxic draw, the "challenge" you mentioned where you feel like you have to win someone over who seems only half-interested or is acting bratty or entitled. When you meet someone who is just nice and fully available it feels boring. It's hard to say though without more context.

[FredEire]

Is it the same girl as in this thread? Because you certainly seemed into her initially. The long distance thing is a big issue though.

[Gebidozo]

If you have no romantic feelings for a woman and don’t envision a future with her, of course you should break up with her.

This has nothing to do with being picky or not picky and everything to do with feelings.

Had she known that you’d been feeling that way before you broke up?

 

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Is it the same girl as in this thread? Because you certainly seemed into her initially. The long distance thing is a big issue though.

no, different girl unfortunately.

[WorldTraveler]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If you have no romantic feelings for a woman and don’t envision a future with her, of course you should break up with her.

This has nothing to do with being picky or not picky and everything to do with feelings.

Had she known that you’d been feeling that way before you broke up?

 

I think part of the problem may be equating compatibility with romantic feelings. Almost like because of all the positives she has I feel like I'd be stupid to end things, but then forget that the feelings are lacking and keep trying to force them because I feel like they should be there when everything else is...

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I think part of the problem may be equating compatibility with romantic feelings. Almost like because of all the positives she has I feel like I'd be stupid to end things, but then forget that the feelings are lacking and keep trying to force them because I feel like they should be there when everything else is...

Is there anything in common with the girls you have had feelings for? Were they as nice or as compatible on paper with you as this girl?

[Gebidozo]

28 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I think part of the problem may be equating compatibility with romantic feelings. Almost like because of all the positives she has I feel like I'd be stupid to end things, but then forget that the feelings are lacking and keep trying to force them because I feel like they should be there when everything else is...

Then you’ve identified the problem.

Romantic relationships should begin with romantic feelings. Of course compatibility is important, but we can’t start a relationship based on that alone. If there is not enough sparkle, chemistry, passion, call it what you want, then it won’t work.

Feelings can’t be forced. You shouldn’t feel guilty because you don’t have feelings for a good person who fits you in some other ways. If things were so simple, then matchmaking would always work, but it doesn’t. We can’t just bring two people together, prove to them how compatible they are, and expect them to fall in love with each other. It just doesn’t work that way.

 

 

 

[Sanch62]

Think of all the people over your lifetime who you've admired, respected, enjoyed, and even loved in certain ways. Did you necessarily want to marry them?

Most people are not our match. Those are natural odds, which drive natural selection.

While I believe there's some evolutionary truth to a biochemical 'hunt' prompt in humans that can be triggered in the same way that running from a bear signals it to chase, that flood of hormones is about aggression, not love. But sure, a potential partner who offers a bit of a challenge can raise those chemicals into a great high.

But one difference between that temporary high of pursuit versus the kind of high one enjoys from a connection that thrives is an enduring sense of finding one's true home. I've known my share of chasers, and when they've surprised themselves by finding actual love, it was rooted in simpatico, centeredness, and a strange combo of excitement tempered by a feeling of peace.

So when you know, you'll know. Meanwhile, there's no reason to berate yourself for not being able to force a fit with anyone, no matter how fabulous they are.

Edited Sunday at 05:01 PM by Sanch62

[ShyViolet]

If you weren't feeling a spark with her, and no romantic feelings, then of course continuing to date her when you're not feeling it would have been the wrong thing to do.  I'm not sure why you are doubting yourself so much about that.

[WorldTraveler]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If you weren't feeling a spark with her, and no romantic feelings, then of course continuing to date her when you're not feeling it would have been the wrong thing to do.  I'm not sure why you are doubting yourself so much about that.

Probably because I question if it's just me being picky or truly a lack of feelings.

[maryforu]

I recently watched a video of a sexologyst talking about the topic. This is I'd say very common and it's something I may be reflected when reading your post.

The toxiness and the mind games created by other women made it challanging to you so your brain felt let's say "distracted" and "good" about the situation because it felt like a problem to resolve and this challange can then bring joy BUT this is not good at all and at the end what it brings is just sadness and frustration.

The sexologyst said than instead of loving passionaly the toxic person (because your brain went crazy) you can love the person in a very conscious way, with intention, because you know that this woman who can't give you what your brain thinks you need is actually giving you the important things you actually need.

Have a thought about it if this could be the case because of course if there's no feeling and attraction there's not anything you can do but If that's not the case, think about it and I hove you can find the way to go. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, maryforu said:

I recently watched a video of a sexologyst talking about the topic. This is I'd say very common and it's something I may be reflected when reading your post.

The toxiness and the mind games created by other women made it challanging to you so your brain felt let's say "distracted" and "good" about the situation because it felt like a problem to resolve and this challange can then bring joy BUT this is not good at all and at the end what it brings is just sadness and frustration.

The sexologyst said than instead of loving passionaly the toxic person (because your brain went crazy) you can love the person in a very conscious way, with intention, because you know that this woman who can't give you what your brain thinks you need is actually giving you the important things you actually need.

Have a thought about it if this could be the case because of course if there's no feeling and attraction there's not anything you can do but If that's not the case, think about it and I hove you can find the way to go. 

This is very interesting.

I have dated girls where I just felt absolutely nothing, despite the fact that she was nice, attractive, we had a good sexual connection etc. Most of the time I thought about it and it came down to us being very different people in terms of our personalities and interests.

I've also dated girls where I felt that "crazy stupid love" feeling that most people crave and chase. Usually it was with women who were beautiful but also hot and cold, difficult and sometimes just plain rude. And I've always ended up hurt when I invested more and she broke it off suddenly with a big dramatic fight/argument over something seemingly small.

There's a third camp where I didn't feel those fireworks but I felt a real fondness for the girl in the sense that we had a nice connection, we were similar people and got along really well. But I'd always let it go because I didnt feel "in love".

Maybe that third one is the one you really need to pay attention to, even though it may feel like the second.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I've also dated girls where I felt that "crazy stupid love" feeling that most people crave and chase. Usually it was with women who were beautiful but also hot and cold, difficult and sometimes just plain rude.

That’s something I could never understand.

I felt “crazy stupid love” several times in my life, but it was always for women who weren’t just sexy and beautiful, but also kind and warm, direct and genuinely passionate.

Even a hint of “hot and cold” behavior repels me so much that any woman who practices it ceases to be an object of any sort of desire or emotion on my part. I can’t understand how it’s even possible to have any feelings for someone who treats you that way. It’s a huge turn-off.

On the contrary, a kind, caring woman who shows her passion for me is always a big turn on. I have only ever developed feelings for such women. And then my problem has always been that I got attached to them, often ignoring some incompatibilities.

That said, of course not every kind and caring woman that I met evoked romantic feelings in me. A few times I could have “settled” for genuinely nice women, but there was no passion on my side, so I didn’t initiate relationships with them.

My point is that the OP shouldn’t think he is just unable to be attracted to good women. Maybe some important trait is missing. For example, I can’t develop strong passion for a woman with a low libido, or an overly practical woman who doesn’t care much for romance, or a materialistically minded woman, and so on.

Probably the OP hasn’t found his true type yet. And I think that neither have you. It takes a lot of time and experience to figure out what we truly want.