Feel like it must be me.

[WorldTraveler]

Just ended things with a woman that I've been seeing for the last two months and I feel horrible and now questioning myself. I've been told by friends and family that I'm too picky and I can acknowledge there's truth to that. And yet I understand that no one is perfect and I'm not looking for perfection by any means. With this last woman she was pretty, very sweet and thoughtful, displayed affection and never once played any mind games. Even more we shared many similar hobbies and the sex was pretty good. But despite all of this I just didn't feel many romantic feelings. I enjoyed her company but I didn't find myself overly excited for our dates or the thought of a future together. This is in contrast to women I've dated in the past where the woman is all I can think about and can't wait to see them again. I'm not sure if this means there's a lack of chemistry despite all the other positives that come with her or what but it's disheartening. However, at the same time these past women often presented a little more of a challenge and I'm not sure if this is the reason for my lack of romantic feelings or not. I'm just so exhausted with dating at this point and can't help but thinking what if it's me? And worst of all I just feel so bad because this woman is such a sweet genuine person with such a great soul and ending things with her makes me feel so horrible.

[FredEire]

Maybe like a lot of people you are addicted to the toxic draw, the "challenge" you mentioned where you feel like you have to win someone over who seems only half-interested or is acting bratty or entitled. When you meet someone who is just nice and fully available it feels boring. It's hard to say though without more context.

[FredEire]

Is it the same girl as in this thread? Because you certainly seemed into her initially. The long distance thing is a big issue though.

[Gebidozo]

If you have no romantic feelings for a woman and don’t envision a future with her, of course you should break up with her.

This has nothing to do with being picky or not picky and everything to do with feelings.

Had she known that you’d been feeling that way before you broke up?

 

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Is it the same girl as in this thread? Because you certainly seemed into her initially. The long distance thing is a big issue though.

no, different girl unfortunately.

[WorldTraveler]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If you have no romantic feelings for a woman and don’t envision a future with her, of course you should break up with her.

This has nothing to do with being picky or not picky and everything to do with feelings.

Had she known that you’d been feeling that way before you broke up?

 

I think part of the problem may be equating compatibility with romantic feelings. Almost like because of all the positives she has I feel like I'd be stupid to end things, but then forget that the feelings are lacking and keep trying to force them because I feel like they should be there when everything else is...

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I think part of the problem may be equating compatibility with romantic feelings. Almost like because of all the positives she has I feel like I'd be stupid to end things, but then forget that the feelings are lacking and keep trying to force them because I feel like they should be there when everything else is...

Is there anything in common with the girls you have had feelings for? Were they as nice or as compatible on paper with you as this girl?

[Gebidozo]

28 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

I think part of the problem may be equating compatibility with romantic feelings. Almost like because of all the positives she has I feel like I'd be stupid to end things, but then forget that the feelings are lacking and keep trying to force them because I feel like they should be there when everything else is...

Then you’ve identified the problem.

Romantic relationships should begin with romantic feelings. Of course compatibility is important, but we can’t start a relationship based on that alone. If there is not enough sparkle, chemistry, passion, call it what you want, then it won’t work.

Feelings can’t be forced. You shouldn’t feel guilty because you don’t have feelings for a good person who fits you in some other ways. If things were so simple, then matchmaking would always work, but it doesn’t. We can’t just bring two people together, prove to them how compatible they are, and expect them to fall in love with each other. It just doesn’t work that way.

 

 

 

[Sanch62]

Think of all the people over your lifetime who you've admired, respected, enjoyed, and even loved in certain ways. Did you necessarily want to marry them?

Most people are not our match. Those are natural odds, which drive natural selection.

While I believe there's some evolutionary truth to a biochemical 'hunt' prompt in humans that can be triggered in the same way that running from a bear signals it to chase, that flood of hormones is about aggression, not love. But sure, a potential partner who offers a bit of a challenge can raise those chemicals into a great high.

But one difference between that temporary high of pursuit versus the kind of high one enjoys from a connection that thrives is an enduring sense of finding one's true home. I've known my share of chasers, and when they've surprised themselves by finding actual love, it was rooted in simpatico, centeredness, and a strange combo of excitement tempered by a feeling of peace.

So when you know, you'll know. Meanwhile, there's no reason to berate yourself for not being able to force a fit with anyone, no matter how fabulous they are.

Edited yesterday at 05:01 PM by Sanch62

[ShyViolet]

If you weren't feeling a spark with her, and no romantic feelings, then of course continuing to date her when you're not feeling it would have been the wrong thing to do.  I'm not sure why you are doubting yourself so much about that.

[WorldTraveler]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If you weren't feeling a spark with her, and no romantic feelings, then of course continuing to date her when you're not feeling it would have been the wrong thing to do.  I'm not sure why you are doubting yourself so much about that.

Probably because I question if it's just me being picky or truly a lack of feelings.