Can this man ever become more in my life?

[Cantholdm3e]

6 years ago we immediately hit it off as friends but we always had explosive chemistry & then I gave in. The sex has always been incredible. He was separated but not technically divorced (still isn’t but lives on other side of country from his wife & kids). At one point he told me he had a lot of guilt about leaving his family & could only be my friend but wanted that bc he did really care for me. Thus, I tried to move on w others- but he always got insanely jealous, then resumed our sexual relationship. At one point I got a boyfriend, after I did that he got a girlfriend but kept the whole thing from me. I was furious when I found out. We have done very toxic things to each other, where anyone who was in it just for the sex- even sex as mindblowing as ours- would’ve considered it not worth it long ago. But here we are, now both single (after I ruined his relationship after mine ended, mind you), and it’s as good as it ever was. I blocked him while with a new bf & he kept trying on other #s. 

once my relationship ended, I unblocked him. Now he texts me good morning & good night every day & we are having the same amazing sex & he takes me out to amazing dinners and plans evenings. It’s not “romantic” which he never really has been- he’s kind of spectrum-ish.. but on occasion he’ll kiss me pretty passionately… Now he’s started asking me to sleep over (but sleep in separate rooms lol he’s always had a hangup over sharing a bed)… and he kisses me goodbye in morning, even if just on cheek. Clearly there’s no real point to this but the fact that it’s been 7years just indicates some sort of wild longevity to me (he says the same, longterm & durable). I don't want anyone else and don’t know what to do w it.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to move on from this. 

If you two have never menaged to make a relationshp work, after all these years, it's not going to suddenly change. It's keeping you stuck when you could find a healthy, happy relationship elsewhere. It's not going to be with this man. 

And really, he's still married to someone else. I get they dont' live together and haven't for a long time, but still - all the more reason to forget him and move on. 

[Cantholdm3e]

I should add, he always says how he’s not looking for any gf, but that he sees only me (& has sex with no one else), & he gets very jealous if I’m w another guy. So I don’t know if it’s dumb to get hung up on the label when we see each other so much again now, & w so much history, & it’s so good

i realize I could  ask “how can I get him to change his mind & want a relationship w me?”, but that seems impossible if he’s so afraid of the “restrictions” or “losing independence”. And he’s “wanted” me on whatever level a 7 yr history indicates 

Edited Sunday at 06:43 AM by Cantholdm3e

[Gebidozo]

Romantic commitment is not about losing one’s freedom, it’s about making a definite choice about who you really want to be with. It looks like you’ve made yours, but I’m not sure he did.

You’re right, labels aren’t important, and if you’re really happy with him now and don’t expect anything else, then by all means keep having this connection.

But there is a difference between just being with someone in the moment and considering that someone a long-term partner. He hasn’t made that second step yet, and there are no signs that he ever will. If what you’re looking for is a serious relationship rather than a hot, passionate affair, then maybe you should reconsider.

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, Cantholdm3e said:

I should add, he always says how he’s not looking for any gf, but that he sees only me (& has sex with no one else), & he gets very jealous if I’m w another guy. So I don’t know if it’s dumb to get hung up on the label when we see each other so much again now, & w so much history, & it’s so good

Up to you, but this would not suffice for me if I were looking for an actual partner. 

I don't think labels have much to do with it. It's the lack of actual commitment on his end that would not work for me. It's your call to make, though. 

[MsJayne]

Whether he verbalises it or not, you're having a relationship with him. Perhaps there's some strange logic to his refusal to make any sort of verbal commitment. An arrangement like this would make it difficult for you to take him for granted, because with no acknowledged obligations it could end at any moment. Very clever of him, but most people need a basic level of commitment and the labels are useful for letting you know where you stand. Seven years is a long time, how do you make long-term life plans without knowing whether to include him or not? I wonder if his marriage ended because his wife got sick of his manipulative and self-centered behaviour .

[Sanch62]

What you see is what you get. It's the most this man offers you, and it's on his terms.

If this is enough for you, then here you are; enjoy it. If it's not, then you're the only one in your driver's seat. Decide whether you'll stop messing around with him, which would include blocking him and avoiding his attempts to influence you.

You don't mention your age and whether the 'more' you want includes children of your own. If so, you're the only one with the bio-clock, and you cannot ever get your fertility years back to re-live over again. If this isn't a factor for you, then you have the luxury of taking all the time you want to decide how long to stay involved with this man. But he's not going to make your visions happen. This is it.

[Cantholdm3e]

Here’s what I don’t like about him. During his relationship w that other GF, he cheated on her with me at least 7 times… many more if you count sexting me & not just actual sex. Now, he tells me they were broken up all of those times, but the ex GF was devastated when I told her & said she was just working at night those days (like, the exact dates we had sex, when she asked me). 

He tells me he misses her but she left him bc he refused to divorce his wife & marry her. I’m like, so then she couldn’t have been so great?? She was also (at least) his 3rd affair, so it couldn’t be much of a marriage anymore, so why was it so hard to leave his wife for this other girl? Is he just emotionally unavailable & wants women until he has to do anything “real” for them?

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Here’s what I don’t like about him. During his relationship w that other GF, he cheated on her with me at least 7 times… many more if you count sexting me & not just actual sex. Now, he tells me they were broken up all of those times, but the ex GF was devastated when I told her & said she was just working at night those days (like, the exact dates we had sex, when she asked me). 

He tells me he misses her but she left him bc he refused to divorce his wife & marry her. I’m like, so then she couldn’t have been so great?? She was also (at least) his 3rd affair, so it couldn’t be much of a marriage anymore, so why was it so hard to leave his wife for this other girl? Is he just emotionally unavailable & wants women until he has to do anything “real” for them?

So, he didn’t only lie to her, he lied to you too.

He isn’t treating you any different from his other affair partners. He doesn’t want to commit to you, and he lies to you.

For all you know, he might be having an affair with someone else right now, telling her that you and he are broken up.

This is a man that is accustomed to have tiers and layers of affairs, is used to live in a tangled web of lies, deceit, and lack of responsibility.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Here’s what I don’t like about him. During his relationship w that other GF, he cheated on her with me at least 7 times… many more if you count sexting me & not just actual sex.

 She was also (at least) his 3rd affair, 

Why on earth do you want a man like this at all? He's beyond gross. 

10 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Is he just emotionally unavailable & wants women until he has to do anything “real” for them?

He isn't necessarily emotionally unavailable. He's just a jerk who doesn't care. There's a big difference. 

[stillafool]

His wife is the one he really wants but I'll bet you anything she will no longer touch him with a 10 foot pole.  He reminds me of a friend of my parents who cheated constantly because after his wife caught him in his 1st affair she was turned off to him sexually but stayed for the kids and her Christian faith.  He continued to have sex with randoms but was never fulfilled emotionally by them.

[flitzanu]

"Can this man ever become more in my life?"

no.

you give him free sex without having to commit to you, and he gets to stay married and sleep with other women too.

[Cantholdm3e]

On 11/17/2025 at 1:13 PM, flitzanu said:

"Can this man ever become more in my life?"

no.

you give him free sex without having to commit to you, and he gets to stay married and sleep with other women too.

lol, fair enough, his 3rd affair (started while I had another BF) left her husband, who she told me was super great, just to be w this man. Then when she expected he’d follow suit & propose to her & divorce, he dragged his feet so she dumped him a final time. Meanwhile he tells me he only can be friends  & isn’t getting divorced, but when I ignore him, he keeps seeking my attention… & this man does not act as only friends, he wants sex. 
ok so sounds like only way for this to “work” is if I accept he will always have a wife. But even then, I feel like he’s lied about so many things (including this other girl’s entire existence) that he’d prob cheat on me too. But even if I decide THAT is ok, it seems like I can’t get anything more than intermittent, Exactly on his terms? Any ideas? 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

this man does not act as only friends, he wants sex. 

Yes, he wants to be friends with benefits. f*** buddies. Concubines. Call it what you want, but do you really want to be that?

 

5 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Any ideas? 

Yes, dump him for good and find a man who respects you, doesn’t lie to you, and wants to actually be in a relationship with you.

 

[Cantholdm3e]

Ummm I left an attractive man, who was wife-ing me, for this one… no one’s ever made Me feel the passionate highs… how do I just make myself stop wanting him? I blocked him for a year and after I was single again he was alll I wanted and idk why 

Edited Wednesday at 02:35 AM by Cantholdm3e

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Ummm I left an attractive man, who was wife-ing me, for this one… no one’s ever made Me feel the passionate highs… how do I just make myself stop wanting him? I blocked him for a year and after I was single again he was alll I wanted and idk why 

You miss the passion and you don’t want to settle for someone you aren’t passionate about. That’s good.

The only solution is to find a good, reliable person who’d want to be with you and who you are passionate about as well.

Don’t adopt the false dichotomy “either passion with a jerk, or a nice guy to settle for”, the female variant of the Madonna / whore complex.

It must be the whole package, passion and commitment. It is possible to have, you just haven’t found the right guy yet.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Ummm I left an attractive man, who was wife-ing me, for this one… no one’s ever made Me feel the passionate highs… how do I just make myself stop wanting him? I blocked him for a year and after I was single again he was alll I wanted and idk why 

It often comes down to problems with self-worth. 

The passionate highs can prop up a fragile ego - temporarily. You feel wanted and desired. But since it's not consistent and the desire is not based on real substance, you go rumning after again as soon as you need your own fix. You have turned this person into a measuring stick of your self-worth and you keep going back to see how much you are worth to him. 

It is never going to be what you want it to be. He's told you that, in so mamy words. So this is a lot less about him, and a lot more about you. 

[ShyViolet]

So let's get this straight.... he's clearly told you many times that he doesn't want to commit to a relationship.  He views you as a F buddy and nothing more than that.  You've allowed this to go on for years.  He is also a serial cheater.  You are really kidding yourself if you think he will magically turn around one day and be in a proper relationship with you.  People usually don't change.  You should have higher standards for yourself than this.

[Cantholdm3e]

Yes, all true. We have one overnight every week, and he always takes me to nice dinners and we have great sex and in the morning he kisses me on the cheek goodbye before work. He texts me good morning & then we talk basically all day every day. Make plans like concerts and little trips. It’s definitely a bummer that despite all of this he’d “not want a relationship,” because I’ve long felt he’s quite emotionally attached to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, Cantholdm3e said:

It’s definitely a bummer that despite all of this he’d “not want a relationship,”

A bummer? No.Thank god he doesn't want a relationship. 

Why? He's showed you many times that he's a horrible partner to whomever he's dating (or married to) It would be naive to assume he wouldn't treat you exactly the same way if you were actually in a relationship with him. A relationship with him would likely involve a lot of heartache for you, lonely nights wondering where he is amd who he's cheating with, wondering when he is going to call or come home, feeling tearful and on edge because you know he isn't monogamous or trustworthy and probably off having sex with another woman while you keep checking your phone for a message from him. 

In other words, the relationship you dream of with him is just that - a dream. The reality would very likely be awful. 

 

Edited 2 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them'

That's the quote that really comes to mind here.

[Cantholdm3e]

39 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A bummer? No.Thank god he doesn't want a relationship. 

Why? He's showed you many times that he's a horrible partner to whomever he's dating (or married to) It would be naive to assume he wouldn't treat you exactly the same way if you were actually in a relationship with him. A relationship with him would likely involve a lot of heartache for you, lonely nights wondering where he is amd who he's cheating with, wondering when he is going to call or come home, feeling tearful and on edge because you know he isn't monogamous or trustworthy and probably off having sex with another woman while you keep checking your phone for a message from him. 

In other words, the relationship you dream of with him is just that - a dream. The reality would very likely be awful. 

 

That’s an interesting take. In some ways, it seems like he cares about me enough to be honest about his faults & shortcomings, & I’m being spared some stuff. he’s often said “I’m a horrible partner”  but that he really does care about me and that he demonstrates such by taking me out to nice places, having sleepovers and contacting me all the time. We seem to have a steadier “relationship” where we’re close friends who think highly of each other & still always have the passion, than he has in actual relationships 

Edited 1 hour ago by Cantholdm3e

[ShyViolet]

11 minutes ago, Cantholdm3e said:

That’s an interesting take. In some ways, it seems like he cares about me enough to be honest about his faults & shortcomings, & I’m being spared some stuff. he’s often said “I’m a horrible partner”  but that he really does care about me and that he demonstrates such by taking me out to nice places, having sleepovers and contacting me all the time. We seem to have a steadier “relationship” where we’re close friends who think highly of each other & still always have the passion, than he has in actual relationships 

Well if you're willing to settle for this, and accept the fact that he'll never be in an official, committed relationship with you, and will probably cheat, then that's totally your choice to make.  

[Cantholdm3e]

Yes, there’s something about the consistency of this friendship I really like… it’s been 7 years and he hasn’t bailed from my life despite showing some unflattering (even crazy) sides of me … I know I’m going to hear good morning from him every day and we’ll always been having passionate sex that pushes boundaries, and he’s good at finding the nicest places for us to go out, and we have our standing day of the week for sleepover 

Edited 1 hour ago by Cantholdm3e