How do I escalate touch in a way where it wont come off as wierd/creepy?

[James63]

I'm a 19 year old male who has heard that touch is important for building attraction. How do I go about this in a way that won't be seen as creepy or awkward? Would I start touching when I just met a girl or when we're on the first date?

Edited Saturday at 05:27 AM by James63

[Gebidozo]

Again, you’re looking at this wrong.

It’s not about when and how exactly you touch the girl, it’s about the girl wanting to be touched by you.

When and if that happens depends on the level of chemistry and attraction between you two.

Touch doesn’t build attraction, it is an expression of attraction.

If the girl isn’t attracted to you, then any kind of touch from you will seem awkward and creepy to her.

If she is attracted to you, if the two of you have established a mutual romantic connection, you can always try touching her and then see what she likes and what she’s ready for.

 

Edited Saturday at 07:48 AM by Gebidozo

[James63]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Again, you’re looking at this wrong.

It’s not about when and how exactly you touch the girl, it’s about the girl wanting to be touched by you.

When and if that happens depends on the level of chemistry and attraction between you two.

Touch doesn’t build attraction, it is an expression of attraction.

If the girl isn’t attracted to you, then any kind of touch from you will seem awkward and creepy to her.

If she is attracted to you, if the two of you have established a mutual romantic connection, you can always try touching her and then see what she likes and what she’s ready for.

 

Ok but how will I know if she is attracted to me? Is it as simple as judging the vibe between us? If so, what exactly am I looking for? (I may be overthinking this)

Edited Saturday at 01:23 PM by James63

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, James63 said:

Ok but how will I know if she is attracted to me? Is it as simple as judging the vibe between us? If so, what exactly am I looking for? (I may be overthinking this)

You haven’t even asked her out on a date. Do that first, see how the vibe is.

Sometimes attraction is strong and people have sex after the first date. Sometimes it just doesn’t build up at all, so people have one date and then just drop it. Sometimes it develops gradually, people meet more and then the touching occurs naturally. It’s always different.

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, James63 said:

Ok but how will I know if she is attracted to me? Is it as simple as judging the vibe between us? If so, what exactly am I looking for? (I may be overthinking this)

When she touches you first. 

[James63]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

When she touches you first. 

What if she never initiates touch, not because she's not interested, but because she expects me to take the lead and do it first?

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, James63 said:

Ok but how will I know if she is attracted to me? Is it as simple as judging the vibe between us? If so, what exactly am I looking for? (I may be overthinking this)

Yeah it is as simple as judging the vibe. If she's laughing, flirty, playing with her hair etc you can probably touch her shoulder for example and get a bit closer. If she's neutral or closed off/arms folded etc then its probably not a good idea.

Also if you do get a bit closer and she pulls away, thats information in itself. If she leans in the same applies.

But like your other thread you are looking at it too mechanically. It ain't an exact science, the main thing is to actually talk to women and do away with the idea that you have to follow some perfect formula. Go out and make mistakes, you could follow some PUA guide to the letter and it would still come off stilted and weird because you're not being natural.

[James63]

55 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah it is as simple as judging the vibe. If she's laughing, flirty, playing with her hair etc you can probably touch her shoulder for example and get a bit closer. If she's neutral or closed off/arms folded etc then its probably not a good idea.

Also if you do get a bit closer and she pulls away, thats information in itself. If she leans in the same applies.

But like your other thread you are looking at it too mechanically. It ain't an exact science, the main thing is to actually talk to women and do away with the idea that you have to follow some perfect formula. Go out and make mistakes, you could follow some PUA guide to the letter and it would still come off stilted and weird because you're not being natural.

Do you know how I could start going about it more emotionally instead of logically? Or am I being too logical there and should go about it like I'm listening to music. For instance, noticing how a song makes me feel like I'm levitating, instead of looking at how dissonant it is to dermine how relaxing it is to listen to.

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, James63 said:

Do you know how I could start going about it more emotionally instead of logically? Or am I being too logical there and should go about it like I'm listening to music. For instance, noticing how a song makes me feel like I'm levitating, instead of looking at how dissonant it is to dermine how relaxing it is to listen to.

Just forget about outcomes, or processes. Live in the moment and notice how the conversation feels.

Approach a girl to talk to her and have a conversation, nothing more. Forget about dating, touching her arm, etc etc. If that happens go for it, but your first aim should be to have a conversation and if it is awkward and weird, so be it! You did what you wanted to do which was have a conversation.

You have to start with baby steps. If you are a young guy who feels awkward with women you're not going to be effortlessly charismatic overnight. The first step is to try, notice what happened then try again.

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, James63 said:

What if she never initiates touch, not because she's not interested, but because she expects me to take the lead and do it first?

I'm a female so I know....when she wants that kind of attention she will touch your arm while laughing, or grab you playfully or lean into you while walking....that's what girls do. 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, James63 said:

What if she never initiates touch, not because she's not interested, but because she expects me to take the lead and do it first?

Most of the time the touching happens simultaneously.

People begin to be more physical with each other when attractions has built up and there is good chemistry.

She probably won’t grab your head and passionately kiss you after the first date (thought this can happen too), but there will be a feeling of closeness and comfort, during which she’ll make some kind of gesture that you’ll be able to interpret as unmistakable green light.

 

[Sanch62]

Again, you're seeking a formula, and that will mess you up. You can't 'plan' an organic connection. That's nature's job. Calculating a strategy when you're with a woman is stilted and awkward--and it will come off that way.

Unless and until you find yourself naturally inclined toward a touch, don't bother trying to force it. Skip tactics and allow yourself to relax into your time with your date. That's the only vibe that can inspire her to do the same. When that happens, you likely won't even notice when you touch her until you've done it; it will be that natural.

[Sanch62]

23 hours ago, James63 said:

Do you know how I could start going about it more emotionally instead of logically? Or am I being too logical there and should go about it like I'm listening to music.

Yes, good analogy. Connections are like relaxing into the feeling of listening to good music. When you hear something that doesn't resonate with you, that feeling won't happen. This speaks of your private limits, which is why some songs that resonate with others won't strike you that way.

So that's why it makes no sense to allow fears of rejection to paralyze you. You can't plan a guarantee of perfect harmony with another. You won't be everyone's favorite music. But someone else will love your music, so don't change it.

People who try to apply logic to everything will talk themselves out of trying just about everything. That's stagnation, not living.

Everything worth anything is experimental and experiential. Perfectionism is not your friend. Save that for math. Everything else is a dance to the music it generates organically.

Edited yesterday at 05:34 PM by Sanch62

[Els]

I guarantee you that trying to touch her "to build attraction" is going to come off as weird and creepy no matter how you do it.

Touching is something that happens naturally when you already HAVE mutual attraction. You're going about it the wrong way around.