Why would she contact me after six-and-a-half years?

[Trail Blazer]

In early-mid 2019, I was engaged in a casual relationship with a woman I'd met on PoF.  It was a few months of an intense FWB-type arrangement.

I knew this woman was somewhat crazy from the first time I met her.  She gave me vibes that not all was right with her from the first time we met.

I'd only been out of a relationship for a very short period of time.  I'd made it clear that I wasn't looking for anything serious.  She said the same, but I didn't really believe her.

So, for approximately three or four months, we had an intense period where I would stay at her place all weekend, and we'd do nothing other than drink, watch TV and have sex.

I chronicled this relationship back when it was happening, so all the juicy details are buried here somewhere, but largely irrelevant - but they do paint a picture of the woman in question.

As quickly as this relationship boomed, it tanked.  I didn't give her what she wanted and I let it fizzle out.  Working for weeks in a different state helped do the trick.

Anyway, fast forward to a couple of months ago.  Her profile came up on Facebook as a friend suggestion.  We were never friends on social media, although I never deleted her number from my phone.

I clicked on her profile out of curiosity.  Her profile was fully public.  She'd moved in with a new guy she'd seemingly been dating since 2022.  Her most recent post was her hand with a ring on it.

I was genuinely happy for her.

I knew that if I'd shown more interest, she'd have been in a relationship with me in a heartbeat.  It's what she wanted, I knew it, but she thought that she'd win me over by going at it like a nymphomaniac.

It didn't work.  I saw through it.  It scared me off.

In any case, a few days ago, I received a "message request" from her.  She sent me a message which stated verbatim reads;

"Hello!  How are you!?  Not sure if you remember me?  It's been several years now, I hope you're going okay?"

I've left it on unread.  I have not responded.  I have no idea why she would reach out to me.  What would she hope to achieve?  She has a new man in her life, who is now her fiancè. 

What would he think about her messaging some dude she was having wild flings with for a few months a number of years ago?  

Help me make it make sense.  I don't want to open Pandora's Box.  I genuinely fear that if I accept the message, and just be polite, that nothing good will come from doing so.

[Gebidozo]

There could be many reasons for her reaching out.

Maybe she is dissatisfied with her current relationships and is testing the waters with you.

Maybe she feels guilty for something and is trying to make amends to everyone she’s ever hurt in her past.

Maybe she is being friendly and wants to invite you to her upcoming wedding.

Maybe she is drunk.

Whatever the case may be, it’s not about her, it’s about you. Her motives are unknown and irrelevant. If you don’t want to reply to her, just don’t. 

[ShyViolet]

There's no way for us to know why....  but since you say she was crazy, it sounds like it would be a bad idea to respond.  She is best left in the past.  Trust your instincts.

[Trail Blazer]

58 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

There could be many reasons for her reaching out.

Maybe she is dissatisfied with her current relationships and is testing the waters with you.

Maybe she feels guilty for something and is trying to make amends to everyone she’s ever hurt in her past.

Maybe she is being friendly and wants to invite you to her upcoming wedding.

Maybe she is drunk.

Whatever the case may be, it’s not about her, it’s about you. Her motives are unknown and irrelevant. If you don’t want to reply to her, just don’t. 

Well, she would know I'm in a relationship by looking at my profile pic.

You are right, it could be any number of reasons.

I guess there is this curiosity about what she wants.

I just feel that the moment the box is open I'll regret it.

[MsJayne]

It's not unusual for people from long ago to pop up as a Friend Suggestion, especially if you still have each others 'phone numbers. It's only weird when someone from years ago pops up and you don't have any of their contact details or any other social connection at all, but somehow Facebook knows you know this person, it's like Facebook knows even more about you than God or Santa Claus does. She's testing the water, she probably had a totally different take on the four months you were involved with her and may have thought you were The One, so she's contacting you to see if there's any chance you've been pining for her all these years before she takes the plunge with some schmuck she obviously has zero respect for. The fact that she's engaged makes her contacting you kinda sleazy, and if she can see that you're in a relationship from your social media posts, that makes it double sleazy. I'd forward her message to her fiance, give the poor guy a chance to make a get-away before it's too late. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You already said she ain't quite right in the head. 

So, I wouldn't spend much time mulling over why she's reached you, as there probably isn't much logic behind it. I also would not reply to her. Just delete and keep moving, especially as you are in a relationship yourself. 

[Sanch62]

I dunno; how does Google know to flash ads of new vacuum cleaners when yours breaks or toothpaste when yours runs out?

Just as you noticed her in your suggestion feed; she did the same and opted to reach out. Shows how two people can look back differently. Good news is, she wasn't traumatized by your ending.

There's no need to respond, and I wouldn't get too creeped out by it. I can't recall how many messages I've left unread, but it's easy enough to leave ex-lovers there without any further concern about it.

[Trail Blazer]

On 11/15/2025 at 1:06 PM, MsJayne said:

It's not unusual for people from long ago to pop up as a Friend Suggestion, especially if you still have each others 'phone numbers. It's only weird when someone from years ago pops up and you don't have any of their contact details or any other social connection at all, but somehow Facebook knows you know this person, it's like Facebook knows even more about you than God or Santa Claus does. She's testing the water, she probably had a totally different take on the four months you were involved with her and may have thought you were The One, so she's contacting you to see if there's any chance you've been pining for her all these years before she takes the plunge with some schmuck she obviously has zero respect for. The fact that she's engaged makes her contacting you kinda sleazy, and if she can see that you're in a relationship from your social media posts, that makes it double sleazy. I'd forward her message to her fiance, give the poor guy a chance to make a get-away before it's too late. 

It's weird that she would think I was anything other than what I'd transparently outlined from the first time we met, which was *not* relationship material (at the time).

It's an interesting take, perhaps there's something to her thinking she'd have one last try? 

It's just weird, though.  As though I didn't give enough of a vibe that I wasn't keen for a relationship with her, she think 6.5 years later, where I've been in a LTR for 5+ years with someone else, that all of a sudden it would be different if she messaged me?

Even if I wanted to message her fiancè, he does not seem to have a Facebook account.  She's posted all these photos, vacations to Disneyland (with his two pre-teen children and her playing the doting stepmom), but no tags with him.  Even her relationship status just says 'engaged'.

But, yeah.  The poor dude is being treated like a schmuck.  He seems besotted with her, from the SM posts, he's not short of a dollar (if that rock on her finger is anything to go by).  He bought her a new BMW coupè.  It's kinda sad.

Edited 19 hours ago by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

On 11/15/2025 at 9:21 PM, Sanch62 said:

I dunno; how does Google know to flash ads of new vacuum cleaners when yours breaks or toothpaste when yours runs out?

Just as you noticed her in your suggestion feed; she did the same and opted to reach out. Shows how two people can look back differently. Good news is, she wasn't traumatized by your ending.

There's no need to respond, and I wouldn't get too creeped out by it. I can't recall how many messages I've left unread, but it's easy enough to leave ex-lovers there without any further concern about it.

I'm well aware of how SM algorithms work.  To be honest I'm surprised it took this long to ever see her profile.  It never showed on Facebook at the time we were flingin' and I *always* kept messages to text via cellphone number only.

You are correct, I'm not going to go there.  If I uncork that genie, I don't know what could come out.  On the other hand, I'm still curious and I know I could easily block her if she is weird.

[Trail Blazer]

On 11/15/2025 at 3:33 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

You already said she ain't quite right in the head. 

So, I wouldn't spend much time mulling over why she's reached you, as there probably isn't much logic behind it. I also would not reply to her. Just delete and keep moving, especially as you are in a relationship yourself. 

I believe she is not right in the head.  Like, she is a fully functioning human professionally, but socially she's kinda weird, and gives me bunny-boiler vibes.

You are correct, though.  There would not be much logic behind it.  I can't see an intention that isn't somewhat nefarious, nor an outcome that'd be positive if I responded.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's just weird, though.  As though I didn't give enough of a vibe that I wasn't keen for a relationship with her, she think 6.5 years later, where I've been in a LTR for 5+ years with someone else, that all of a sudden it would be different if she messaged me?

 

You had a big thread a few months ago where you were talking about how you weren't happy in your relationship.  I wonder what the update is with that, and if your curiosity about this woman is a manifestation of your dissatisfaction in your current relationship.

[Trail Blazer]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You had a big thread a few months ago where you were talking about how you weren't happy in your relationship.  I wonder what the update is with that, and if your curiosity about this woman is a manifestation of your dissatisfaction in your current relationship.

What you've just said is a huge leap based on an incorrect recollection.  There was a specific issue we were dealing with at the time.  Her libido had tanked due to a combination of factors, including work-related stress, depression flare-ups and perimenopause.

Everything else about my relationship I am more than happy with.  I stated as much in my thread at the time.  You came to her defence and took exception to the way I articulated some things about her low libido, because I suppose you could relate to feeling a similar way?

The situation has not changed a hell of a lot since then.  She doesn't have a huge desire, but she's also making more of an effort in other ways.  She has made a conscious effort to moderate her response to my needs, and I've been very tactful and patient when conveying that I have unmet needs.

We have a really good thing.  We are perfectly matched human beings on an emotional level.  Best friends, ultimate trust and love spending every minute together.  Like all healthy, solid relationships, we have adapted to the challenges we have faced.

This woman from 6.5 years on the other hand, *she* messaged me, not the other way 'round!  Yeah, I looked at her profile out of curiosity, but I had no intention of ever having anything to do with her again.  I want nothing to do with her.  Period.

I'm simply a human being with curiosity.  I was taken aback a little by her reaching out to me, and since I have no intention to act on the message, I was just curious what others might have thought were her motivation.

Being curious about someone else's behavior does not mean it correlates to how I feel about my own relationship.  We were simply navigating a tricky situation, as every couple does through periods of their relationship.  The dots you are trying to connect do not lead to anything.

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

perhaps there's something to her thinking she'd have one last try?

There's a good chance that's what it is. I have an ex BF from nearly 10 years ago who, four years after we broke up, rang me to tell me he was getting married and said, "she's not you but she'll do". He was literally ringing to see if there was any hope, and it was super-dooper cringey and awkward. I think your woman is doing the same thing. You thought it was just a brief fling, but she's still got a wall covered in photos of you . 

[Els]

I wouldn't read too much into it. "FWB" stands for "friends with benefits" - were you actually friends? If you were, it's not unusual for people to make contact on social media years later. It doesn't necessarily mean anything.

You can choose to respond or not respond, it's entirely up to you.