James63 Posted November 13 Posted November 13 Say this is the first day of the semester, I walk in and see a girl I'm into. Assuming this would be our first interaction, should I just sit next to her, have a conversation where I try to make her laugh and give her a few genuine compliments, and then if I like the vibe of the conversation, say something like: "Hey, I like talking to you, we should meetup outside of class and grab coffee" If she seems receptive: "How about we meet at (Coffee place), are you free around (Time)?" I know some people say to become friends with her before asking her out, but what if she thinks the reason I wanted to be friends with her was to ask her out? If she says no, I'll politely acknowledge it and maybe try to turn the rejection into a humorous moment for the both of us if the opportunity presents itself.
Gebidozo Posted November 14 Posted November 14 You are being too careful and too methodical. There can be no precise instructions here. These things should develop organically and individually. If you plan every action and measure every step, she will know that and feel uncomfortable and pressured. Don’t make it into a bucket list with items like “make her laugh” or “give her a compliment”. Just talk to her and sense the vibe. If she’s friendly and appears to like you, ask her out. Of course you don’t need to be friends with her before doing that. Friendship is an altogether different thing. It usually takes a longer time to become genuine friends than it does to be romantically involved. By the time you are real friends, any hints of romance have already been nipped in the bud. If they haven’t, then it just gets creepy.
Author James63 Posted November 14 Author Posted November 14 6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: You are being too careful and too methodical. There can be no precise instructions here. These things should develop organically and individually. If you plan every action and measure every step, she will know that and feel uncomfortable and pressured. Don’t make it into a bucket list with items like “make her laugh” or “give her a compliment”. Just talk to her and sense the vibe. If she’s friendly and appears to like you, ask her out. Of course you don’t need to be friends with her before doing that. Friendship is an altogether different thing. It usually takes a longer time to become genuine friends than it does to be romantically involved. By the time you are real friends, any hints of romance have already been nipped in the bud. If they haven’t, then it just gets creepy. So in a sense, have an unfiltered conversation (Not too unfiltered where I say something incredibly obscene or offensive) and just go with the flow, not trying to orchestrate anything, and ask her out based on if I like her vibe or not? Apologies if I'm overthinking this, but isn't there a risk that I might be friend zoned or is that only if I don't ask her out? It sounds a bit too simple.
FredEire Posted November 14 Posted November 14 37 minutes ago, James63 said: So in a sense, have an unfiltered conversation (Not too unfiltered where I say something incredibly obscene or offensive) and just go with the flow, not trying to orchestrate anything, and ask her out based on if I like her vibe or not? Apologies if I'm overthinking this, but isn't there a risk that I might be friend zoned or is that only if I don't ask her out? It sounds a bit too simple. You judge the vibe between you, if you feel like you are into her and she is maybe into you, you can suggest doing something together and get her contact. It is simple actually, what's difficult is people overcomplicate on overthink it, as you are doing a bit at the moment, and get stiff and awkward. At the very beginning of the conversation though I would just be friendly, dont go in the only goal being getting a date. But if she seems to be flirty as well as friendly, go for it.
Author James63 Posted November 14 Author Posted November 14 1 hour ago, FredEire said: You judge the vibe between you, if you feel like you are into her and she is maybe into you, you can suggest doing something together and get her contact. It is simple actually, what's difficult is people overcomplicate on overthink it, as you are doing a bit at the moment, and get stiff and awkward. At the very beginning of the conversation though I would just be friendly, dont go in the only goal being getting a date. But if she seems to be flirty as well as friendly, go for it. I read the book: Models by Mark Manson a while back. At the time, I tried to relate my way of approaching with what was said in models. Would it be a better idea to thow away my approach and just rely solely on the knowledge from Models?
FredEire Posted November 14 Posted November 14 16 minutes ago, James63 said: I read the book: Models by Mark Manson a while back. At the time, I tried to relate my way of approaching with what was said in models. Would it be a better idea to thow away my approach and just rely solely on the knowledge from Models? I'm not familiar with that book, but upon looking it up one of the things it's supposed to talk about is authenticity, which basically means you're not meant to use some ready made script (such as a dating guide) to do the work for you. It sounds kind of pick-up or at least pick-up adjacent. One of the problems with pick-up (for me) is that it given shy or socially awkward young men the idea that there is some scientific formula for being attractive to women when there really isn't. Attractive guys are strong-minded, independent, brave, comfortable with themselves and transmit that energy to those around them. Maybe at the moment you feel you are none of these things but you're still very young and a good first step is to just start loads of friendly conversations with the people around you, pretty girl or otherwise, explore and have fun, and be authentic as the book says, without trying to follow some rigid script. And if you feel awkward or weird or some people seem to judge you for how you are to hell with them, they don't matter.
Gebidozo Posted November 14 Posted November 14 6 hours ago, James63 said: So in a sense, have an unfiltered conversation (Not too unfiltered where I say something incredibly obscene or offensive) and just go with the flow, not trying to orchestrate anything, and ask her out based on if I like her vibe or not? Not only based on how you like her vibe, but also how she likes your vibe. These things develop mutually. 6 hours ago, James63 said: but isn't there a risk that I might be friend zoned or is that only if I don't ask her out? How is being friendzoned related to what we’re discussing here? You get friendzoned when the girl doesn’t like you romantically but you still want to be around her, and she’s fine with that.
Sanch62 Posted November 14 Posted November 14 16 hours ago, James63 said: ... isn't there a risk that I might be friend zoned or is that only if I don't ask her out? There are risks to everything. You're floating a hypothetical and seeking some iron-clad formula for making your fantasy happen. There are no guarantees when you're dealing with individual people. Don't use a script. You don't need to form a deep friendship first, but at least get to know her well enough to learn whether she already has a boyfriend. If that means build a rapport over several classes, then do that. Otherwise, you'll come off rushed and tone deaf, and if that makes her uncomfortable, you'll both need to suffer that awkwardness for the rest of the semester. So take your time. 2
FredEire Posted November 14 Posted November 14 16 minutes ago, Sanch62 said: There are risks to everything. You're floating a hypothetical and seeking some iron-clad formula for making your fantasy happen. There are no guarantees when you're dealing with individual people. Don't use a script. You don't need to form a deep friendship first, but at least get to know her well enough to learn whether she already has a boyfriend. If that means build a rapport over several classes, then do that. Otherwise, you'll come off rushed and tone deaf, and if that makes her uncomfortable, you'll both need to suffer that awkwardness for the rest of the semester. So take your time. Yep. There is no formula. A lot of IT/engineer type technical minded people (which you might be one of) get stressed out because they think there must be some code or Python script for starting a romance with a woman, and can't figure out how they're doing it "wrong". Step one is to throw that idea out the window. Its more about fully and authentically expressing yourself than anything. 1
Gebidozo Posted November 15 Posted November 15 6 hours ago, FredEire said: Yep. There is no formula. A lot of IT/engineer type technical minded people (which you might be one of) get stressed out because they think there must be some code or Python script for starting a romance with a woman, and can't figure out how they're doing it "wrong". Step one is to throw that idea out the window. Its more about fully and authentically expressing yourself than anything. Indeed. And it’s also important to understand that the general idea of women necessarily responding to specific actions in a specific way is insulting. Women aren’t elements in a chemical reaction, they are human beings who have free will and behave individually and unpredictably. 1
Sanch62 Posted November 15 Posted November 15 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: And it’s also important to understand that the general idea of women necessarily responding to specific actions in a specific way is insulting. Women aren’t elements in a chemical reaction, they are human beings who have free will and behave individually and unpredictably. Yes, and if you want odds in your favor, you are SOL. Most people are not our match. It's all trial and error, and each new person will be a whole different experiment. That's why you can't personalize rejections. Those are more about the limits of another rather than any reflection on you. The right person for you will view you through the right lens, and you can never tell who that person will be until you interact enough. 1
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