I got rejected again...feeling really vulnerable and demoralized

[Holly Win]

I've been trying online dating for the last 3 months after the end of my marriage, so it's the first time I've been single in 15 years.  I think I'm on the demisexual spectrum, and I'm in perimenopause which has also maybe slowed down my libido, so I'm really looking for emotional connection with people.  I'm also rather introverted and experience social anxiety, so the whole idea of dating again felt scary and daunting.

Then I met Andrew. Like me, he is about a year out of a marriage and looking for "the one". He was really cute, seemed emotionally available and empathetic. We started texting every day for 4 weeks. We went on 2 dates in that time, and he seemed to really like me. He asked to kiss me on our second date, and we kissed a few times during the date, and asked where we should go for our third. Also, on the date, he was gazing at me, and when I looked back he replied "Sorry, I just really like looking at you".  I texted him I had a really nice time after, and he said replied "the feeling is completely mutual". He also followed up with a song that we could sing together (which is part of my issue, I got super excited about the idea that he and I were going to sing together at an open mic night, and we'd be discussing and planning songs to sing). I felt myself getting attached to the idea that my search was over, and I really, really liked him.  Another thing to note is he's Jewish and works full time at his synagogue, and I'm agnostic. The week things fell apart was Yom Kippur.  Communication just started slowing down,  he didn't ask for a third date. So I did, and he replied that he'd be really busy in the next few weeks, but then proceeded to set a short third date for us a few days later.  The night before the third date he called me to tell me that he was dating around and decided to get more serious with someone else, and he valued me as a person enough to not want to just text that to me, but actually tell me himself. I felt completely blindsided because we were texting every single day, and he never mentioned other dates.  I thanked him for being forthcoming with me and wished him all the best. That was the last I heard from him.  

Many things came up with this rejection, self esteem and questioning every action I took in text and on our second date, looking for where I might have gone wrong.  But more than that, it made me really question my judgement. How could I have believed so strongly that the feelings were mutual and that he liked me? I truly believed he did, and now I'm left questioning if I can trust my own judgement, and this is bizarre because I'm an INFJ, intuition is supposed to be my superpower. I'm not one who passes judgements quickly either, I'm very cautions in my assumptions. But Andrew's energy was so enthusiastic, I maybe misread the enthusiasm.

Then two weeks ago I matched with someone else.  He is also on a similar divorce timeline as me and seemed like a pretty awesome person. It turns out there's a physical distance, he's in San Diego and I'm in Long Beach, so we didn't meet but had a date set for this Friday, again because his schedule was too busy last weekend.  We also started texting every day, initiated by him, and had a really wonderful conversation. He's a couples therapist, and we had such an intellectually stimulating conversation about human behavior, empathy, relationships and people. He explicitly stated he felt a connection with me and was still interested despite the distance. He set the date, he planned to come here. I was excited to meet him, he seemed fun, funny, intellectually stimulating and like the kind of person I might really be able to feel safe to be myself with and feel accepted. Then on Monday I got a text from him. It read almost EXACTLY like Andrew- he met someone else at the same time as me, he's decided to be exclusive with her and he's very excited about it, but feels bad that it seemed like we had a connection, and I seem like a really lovely person.  

After what happened with Andrew, it just really felt like a gut punch. I was really open, honest and vulnerable, especially with Andrew.  I actually hold nothing against the second guy because we never met, and he was nothing but kind and real. But twice in a row, it's just really hitting me hard. Like, is this just going to keep happening to me? is there something I should be doing differently? How can I think about this in a way that is productive and not just develop a complete fear around dating?  It feels so hard to establish a real connection with people (again, I'm an INFJ and apparently we are rare), and I usually feel like an outsider with most people, so when I genuinely connect with someone it feels rare, exciting and special. I don't know if I have the emotional stamina for this to keep happening to me...

 

 

[FredEire]

I don't think you are describing anything that unusual here. Everybody gets rejected, it sucks but it happens. Not to be churlish but if you are a dude its going to happen a whole lot. You just have to get used to it, shrug you shoulders and move on quickly.

I dont think its very useful to be looking for some explanation about your sexuality or personality type. Most of the time its as simple as you met someone, you were into them and they just weren't that into you. There can be so many reasons why. If youre not that used to rejection it may be tempting to dissect it or try and find some grand explanation but it really isn't useful.

Just move on to the next person and it may click better.

[Holly Win]

58 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I don't think you are describing anything that unusual here. Everybody gets rejected, it sucks but it happens. Not to be churlish but if you are a dude its going to happen a whole lot. You just have to get used to it, shrug you shoulders and move on quickly.

I dont think its very useful to be looking for some explanation about your sexuality or personality type. Most of the time its as simple as you met someone, you were into them and they just weren't that into you. There can be so many reasons why. If youre not that used to rejection it may be tempting to dissect it or try and find some grand explanation but it really isn't useful.

Just move on to the next person and it may click better.

Thank you. Not sure if you saw the part where the hardest part of this for me is trusting my own judgement. 

"Most of the time its as simple as you met someone, you were into them and they just weren't that into you."

Here's the thing about that: I genuinely believed that they WERE into me.  I was trusting the behavior and words being spoken to me. I can usually tell when someone's not that into me, and I am not one to assume people like me if they don't. So this has shaken my trust in my own judgement, and I don't know what to do with that.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Holly Win said:

Thank you. Not sure if you saw the part where the hardest part of this for me is trusting my own judgement. 

"Most of the time its as simple as you met someone, you were into them and they just weren't that into you."

Here's the thing about that: I genuinely believed that they WERE into me.  I was trusting the behavior and words being spoken to me. I can usually tell when someone's not that into me, and I am not one to assume people like me if they don't. So this has shaken my trust in my own judgement, and I don't know what to do with that.

People's feelings change quickly, especially these days when people can have a million options.

Many times I've been on an great date, we were really into the idea of seeing eachother again and suddenly she goes distant. I know many people the same thing has happened to.

It's frustrating but that's just what happens. You have to harden yourself to it and move on quickly, thats a skill Ive developed. I admit though it is hard not to develop a cynical attitude. Thats something I'm still working on.

[FredEire]

I think you have to look at it as you showed up curious to explore something with them, they didn't and that's their problem.

Their loss, better focusing your attention on someone who's actually going to show up than feeling bad that the ones who didn't, didn't.

In addition you said you met these guys online dating. Unfortunately its quite possible they had 3 girls lined up the next week and were saying the same stuff to them. Thats the way it is these days and its why I dont really use the apps any more. They've turned a lot of people incredibly flaky and emotionally unavailable, and it becomes harder for anything to develop past either one or two dates or a hookup situation for a short period.

Edited yesterday at 01:08 AM by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Holly Win said:

I felt myself getting attached to the idea that my search was over

There is the crux of the issue.

You got disproportionately attached to a complete stranger whom you’ve known for 4 weeks and went out on 2 dates with.

Please let these numbers sink in. Ask yourself whether it’s reasonable to have any expectations whatsoever from anyone you’d only known during such a minuscule timeframe.

You invested way too much into those fleeting connections. And you deduced way too much from the platitudes uttered by those men. “I enjoy looking at you” isn’t a declaration of love or even any sort of serious intentions, it’s just a casual statement of a fact that, in itself, means very little.

I’m sure those men liked you enough to talk to you, spend some time with you, go out on a date with you. It’s not your fault that they ultimately preferred someone else to date exclusively. It happens all the time, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The only thing you can change is how to handle rejection.

If I understood correctly, you haven’t had sex either with Andrew or with that other guy. I know that you describe yourself as demisexual, but I doubt those men are. No expectations, far-reaching plans, or serious emotional involvement should arise before the two people firmly know that they are on the same page in that aspect.

Next time, please lower your expectations. Don’t get attached to anyone so soon. Remember, it’s just your desire to be with someone that’s speaking here. It has nothing to do with the actual level of mutual interest.

Edited yesterday at 01:25 AM by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Holly Win said:

I felt myself getting attached to the idea that my search was over,

 

 

This is your problem right here.  You allowed yourself to get attached to the idea that "the search was over" with a guy who you barely knew and you had been on TWO dates with.  That is poor judgment and you had very unrealistic expectations.  You shouldn't be thinking about "the one" or getting into a serious relationship with someone who you have been on two dates with.  You don't know them nearly enough to even know if the two of you are compatible for that.  The first few dates are simply for getting to know the person better to find out whether you are compatible.  Yes I understand that he was acting like he was really into you, and then did a 180.  Guys do stuff like that all the time.  This is ALL normal stuff that you have to deal with when dating.  Every single guy you meet is not going to turn into a serious relationship.  Your expectations are unrealistic.

[Bassthumper]

11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Yes I understand that he was acting like he was really into you, and then did a 180.  Guys do stuff like that all the time. 

LOL.....!!!..wow

 

First of all, believe it or not ALL Men are NOT like this..And because Most Men are..and Women....(yall are playas too) as soon as you meet a "Nice Guy" as myself you think something is wrong. It's like if I don't hit on a woman immediately she thinks I don't like her but if I do get at her from the jump she thinks I want one thang. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

 

5 hours ago, Holly Win said:

is there something I should be doing differently?

Yes - you need to dial back your expectations in a big way. You're getting  too attached too quickly. 

You barely know these men and you build up a lot of expectations in your mind prematurely. It's normal to get excited about a new person but it is imperative we keep two feet on the ground. You got carried away here: 

5 hours ago, Holly Win said:

We went on 2 dates in that time

5 hours ago, Holly Win said:

I felt myself getting attached to the idea that my search was over,

You need to sit with yourself to figure out why you felt you only needed two dates to decide this stranger was the one for you. That tells me you're not using your best judgment here and really need to approach dating in a more measured and realistic manner. 

4 hours ago, Holly Win said:

I was trusting the behavior and words being spoken to me.

You're relying on far too small a sample size. They said some nice words to you, sure. But again, we are talking about men you barely knew. You need to see that behaviour and  those words consistently over time, not just few weeks of texting and a couple dates.  

5 hours ago, Holly Win said:

again, I'm an INFJ and apparently we are rare),

Eh, you've memtioned this a couple times but I woudln't rely too heavily on such labelling of yourself either. People tend to be more fluid than that,  and these labels  don't mean much when it comes to dating. 

 

[Holly Win]

34 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Yes - you need to dial back your expectations in a big way. You're getting  too attached too quickly. 

You barely know these men and you build up a lot of expectations in your mind prematurely. It's normal to get excited about a new person but it is imperative we keep two feet on the ground. You got carried away here: 

You need to sit with yourself to figure out why you felt you only needed two dates to decide this stranger was the one for you. That tells me you're not using your best judgment here and really need to approach dating in a more measured and realistic manner. 

You're relying on far too small a sample size. They said some nice words to you, sure. But again, we are talking about men you barely knew. You need to see that behaviour and  those words consistently over time, not just few weeks of texting and a couple dates.  

Eh, you've memtioned this a couple times but I woudln't rely too heavily on such labelling of yourself either. People tend to be more fluid than that,  and these labels  don't mean much when it comes to dating. 

 

Hi, thanks for the reply.  So, I could not be more aware that I got attached too quickly. Even in the moment I knew, I never wanted to put expectations on anyone.  I’m not insane, I didn’t think he was the one, but I thought he had more potential to be the one then anyone I’ve met in many many years (and maybe only a few in my lifetime), and that got me overexcited.  Keep in mind this was also the first person I dated in 15 years, this is all new to me and I’m emotionally vulnerable.  
I mentioned my type, not to label myself in the dating world, but to give anyone who knows shorthand for a few facts about me such as: I’m very sensitive, deeply empathetic, value genuine connection and don’t connect superficially well with others.  It also means that I have sat with myself and thought over my thoughts and feelings from every single angle.  It also means that I carry shame for feeling so much, and have spent many a year teaching myself to be okay with me and not ashamed of how much I feel and care, and actively try to therapize my way out of my feelings.  I have spent weeks thinking about why I attached to him particularly so quickly, why I only attach to very specific people, how I can adjust my feelings and expectations. I’ve spoken to my therapist,, I’ve journaled, I’ve gone on many a walk.  I actively work on my mental health but I don’t know how to tamp down the way that I feel.  It’s been weeks, and I turned to this forum in desperation. I don’t know how to control my thoughts, and I’ve spent hours and weeks dissecting them.  I just feel like I’m too sensitive for the current dating environment.

[Sanch62]

50 minutes ago, Holly Win said:

I just feel like I’m too sensitive for the current dating environment.

You can reframe this as your challenge to learn resilience as a crucial life skill.

You have goals of partnership that you envision for your future. Those are valid, and so is your value. So any time you're not feeling up for the challenge, take a break and reflect on how important your goal is to you. Keep that focus instead of telling yourself that you're deficient in some way. You are not.

Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds, natural selection. It works both ways. Rejections are the limits of another's lens. That's not a reflection on you. The right person will view you through the right lens. All others will pass early.

Dating is trial and error. It's experimental. It's getting to know a person--not lapsing into premature relationship-mode. Think of it like seeking your needle in a haystack. Each time a strand seems like the needle, decide how upset you 'must' become whenever, on closer inspection, it is not.

When two puzzle pieces don't fit together, neither is 'wrong'. Both are equally valuable; they just don't belong fitted together. Head high.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Holly Win said:

 Keep in mind this was also the first person I dated in 15 years, this is all new to me and I’m emotionally vulnerable.  

Yes, and that's understandable.

Maybe I missed it somewhere, but how long ago did you divorce? Perhaps you're still on your way to healing from that? 

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, Holly Win said:

Hi, thanks for the reply.  So, I could not be more aware that I got attached too quickly. Even in the moment I knew, I never wanted to put expectations on anyone.  I’m not insane, I didn’t think he was the one, but I thought he had more potential to be the one then anyone I’ve met in many many years (and maybe only a few in my lifetime), and that got me overexcited.  Keep in mind this was also the first person I dated in 15 years, this is all new to me and I’m emotionally vulnerable.  
I mentioned my type, not to label myself in the dating world, but to give anyone who knows shorthand for a few facts about me such as: I’m very sensitive, deeply empathetic, value genuine connection and don’t connect superficially well with others.  It also means that I have sat with myself and thought over my thoughts and feelings from every single angle.  It also means that I carry shame for feeling so much, and have spent many a year teaching myself to be okay with me and not ashamed of how much I feel and care, and actively try to therapize my way out of my feelings.  I have spent weeks thinking about why I attached to him particularly so quickly, why I only attach to very specific people, how I can adjust my feelings and expectations. I’ve spoken to my therapist,, I’ve journaled, I’ve gone on many a walk.  I actively work on my mental health but I don’t know how to tamp down the way that I feel.  It’s been weeks, and I turned to this forum in desperation. I don’t know how to control my thoughts, and I’ve spent hours and weeks dissecting them.  I just feel like I’m too sensitive for the current dating environment.

You can't dampen the way you feel unfortunately, but you can work on recognising they are just feelings and not necessarily a reflection of reality.

A couple of years ago I had similar feelings about someone I met once. I had to go away for 3 months after the first date and we kept in contact with my expectations building sky high. When we finally met up for the second date she started a petty argument, stormed off and I never saw her again. So she turned out not to be "the one" despite how I felt.

And it hurt like hell because I allowed myself to get carried away because as others have said in my thread I didnt measure my feelings with the thought of "I dont really know this girl. I dont know if we're suited together, if we really connect or how interested she is really in me".

It's great to feel like you've met someone special. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but stay grounded and don't get stuck in mumbo jumbo about the stars aligning because he isn't necessarily going to feel the same as you and you can end up getting wrecked. People also feel an emotional pull to others for the wrong reasons, maybe emotional unavailability or the feeling of a need to fix them.

It's better to stay curious, open to connection but grounded and not willing to sign your heart off to just anyone who you dont really know.

[introverted1]

Lots of good advice above. I will just add that your habit of daily texting is not serving you. It leads to a false sense of intimacy which has not actually had a chance to develop in person. True emotional intimacy takes time and it can't be built in text. 

Exchange a few texts to assess interest, make a date, go on the date.  If there's interest for a second date, keep going.  But don't try to build the relationship in text.  In the early days especially, text is for making and confirming plans and possibly for a quick check-in if there is going to be a big gap between dates.  That's it.  

[Gebidozo]

53 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I will just add that your habit of daily texting is not serving you. It leads to a false sense of intimacy which has not actually had a chance to develop in person. True emotional intimacy takes time and it can't be built in text. 

I completely agree.

This over-reliance on texting is a strange modern trend that is surprisingly old-fashioned, harking back to the times when people wrote long letters to each other and saw that as a romantic relationship.