Boyfriend about to quit his job without having another one lined up

[jrryder18]

Hello all,

 

I'm a new member, so I hope I am posting this under the correct category.  My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 3 years (it'll be 3 years at the end of February).  We don't live together (yet) and do not have combined finances.  We spend the entirety of every single weekend and holiday together, take vacations together, and occasionally spend time together during the week as well.  Basically, our lives are pretty intertwined. 

 

My boyfriend is retired from working 30 years in law enforcement, but due to the extremely high cost of living, he has continued to work full-time in an entirely different line of work.  He has been at his current job for a little over 2 years now.  For about the past year or so (maybe a bit more), he has been utterly miserable at this job.  His boss is a real control freak and micromanages like crazy.  I get it.  I've had bosses like that myself in the past and it makes going to work absolutely dreadful.  Many people have quit in this past year, so it's not just him.  He told me today that 4 other people have quit this week.  I've seen the toll that this job has taken on him.  It is literally exhausting him and making him irritable.  He CONSTANTLY vents to me about his job.  Even on the weekends, I feel like 80% of what we talk about is his job/boss.  It's a very physically laborious job with long, hard shifts.  Plus, he has an hour commute each way to and from work and his shift starts at 4 a.m., so he has to be up by 2 a.m. to have enough time to get ready for work and make the commute.  Well, a little over a week ago, after a disagreement with his boss over something so ridiculous (his boss accused him of being in the restroom for too long), he decided that he has had enough and made the decision to put in his 2 weeks' notice.  He had me type it up and print it out for him and he submitted it to his boss and HR last Monday, with this coming Friday being his last day.  

 

Here is what concerns me:  He doesn't have another job lined up yet.  He does get a monthly retirement pension, although it is not a large amount and is certainly not enough to cover all of his expenses.  I fully support him in leaving this job because I know how downright miserable he has been there for quite some time, but I do feel like he is making a HUGE mistake by quitting before having a new job secured and I feel like his decision was definitely a bit impulsive.  He does have a few applications out there, but no bites as of yet.  This past weekend, I was reading some negative reviews to him on his current company that had been written by former employees on employment websites like Indeed and Glassdoor, and all of the reviews mentioned the toxic work environment, micromanagement, being overworked for not enough pay, etc., essentially all of the things that he has been complaining about for so long.  Yesterday, my boyfriend admitted to me that he had been second guessing his decision to quit, but said that after I read all of those negative reviews to him this past weekend, that pretty much solidified his decision.  Now, I feel terrible and wish that I hadn't read him those reviews.  Friday is quickly approaching (only 2-1/2 days away from the time I am writing this), which is due to be his last day, and he said today that he was thinking of not even going in on Friday and just being done on Thursday since he only works 4 hours on Fridays.

 

Here is my dilemma:  Do I stay silent and support his decision to quit, despite not having another job to go to, or should I speak up and tell him that while I truly want for him to be happy and to be at a job that he enjoys and where he is appreciated and treated fairly, I honestly feel that he shouldn't leave his current job until he lands a new one?  He has been saying for many months that he knew his days were numbered at this job and I've known how badly he has wanted to quit, but I feel that his decision to quit before finding another job is a very bad idea and a huge mistake.  Believe me, I WANT him to leave this job.  It puts him in a foul mood, totally exhausts him, and he is absolutely miserable there; however, I believe that the responsible thing to do would be to stay at this job while continuing to apply and interview for other jobs and not leave until he has received a job offer elsewhere.  I love and care about him deeply and he is also my best friend and I only want what is best and right for him.

 

I've been stressing over this since last week and time is quickly running out.  Come Friday (possibly even Thursday), it'll be too late and he will be done there.  Any advice on what I should do?

Edited 12 hours ago by jrryder18

[MsJayne]

29 minutes ago, jrryder18 said:

I love and care about him deeply and he is also my best friend and I only want what is best and right for him.

That's great, because if you love him you wouldn't want him to be subjected to the degradation of taking orders from a micromanaging pea-brain. He's done 30 years in law enforcement, that alone is enough stress for one person for a lifetime, so the last thing he needs is a clown making his new job a misery. I hope that he was very honest in his reasons for quitting, maybe the people in charge might see the problem. As for him only having a small pension for the time being, at least he's got that. Is the real problem that you're worried you'll be subsidising him until he finds another job? Being as you don't live together it's not really your problem, it just means that for the time being he may have to cut back on some things. If you've never experienced the horror of having to daily interact with someone who's just an absolute pain in the a** you may not understand the huge impact this can have on someone's life. Given his background I think he'll find work fairly quickly, but if he doesn't it may be a test for your relationship. 

 

40 minutes ago, jrryder18 said:

Any advice on what I should do?

Just listen and be supportive, and try not to be patronising or "parental" when you express concern. I think you'll be surprised at how quickly he'll bounce back and find another job once he's not spending 40 hours a week having his intelligence insulted  .  

[jrryder18]

17 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Is the real problem that you're worried you'll be subsidising him until he finds another job? Being as you don't live together it's not really your problem, it just means that for the time being he may have to cut back on some things. If you've never experienced the horror of having to daily interact with someone who's just an absolute pain in the a** you may not understand the huge impact this can have on someone's life. Given his background I think he'll find work fairly quickly, but if he doesn't it may be a test for your relationship. 

 

Just listen and be supportive, and try not to be patronising or "parental" when you express concern. I think you'll be surprised at how quickly he'll bounce back and find another job once he's not spending 40 hours a week having his intelligence insulted  .  

No, this is not a concern at all, and like I mentioned in my original post, I HAVE worked for bosses like this in the past, specifically in my last job that I quit a little over a year and a half ago.  I had a boss who was extremely similar to his and it got to the point where I dreaded logging on to work each day.  Even working from home, our bathroom breaks were closely monitored and the micromanagement was the most extreme I had ever experienced.  Thankfully, by the time I had reached my peak breaking point, I had secured another job and was able to resign. My boyfriend actually had to convince me to quit. I had been at that job for 7 years and I was afraid to let go, but felt the weight of the world lifted once I finally did.

 

I would NEVER be patronizing or parental towards him.  He is actually 15 years older than me.  I want him to be happy and be free of the extreme stress and misery that this job has caused him.  I've seen the negative changes in him over the past year to year and a half that are a direct result of this job.  Prior to him starting this job, he would go to the gym 5 mornings a week, but ever since starting this job just over 2 years ago, he hasn't had the time to do this because of his crazy schedule and long days, and he absolutely hates that as going to the gym and staying in shape is just as important to him as it is to me.  He keeps saying how out of shape he feels now and has put on about 10-15 pounds.  His peace and happiness are my utmost priority and I certainly don't want him to have any regrets.  I am only looking out for his best interest and am here to love and support him no matter what he chooses to do.

Edited 11 hours ago by jrryder18

[smackie9]

He's a grown a$$ man, he can take care of himself. He survived 30 years in law enforcement, he can survive most anything. 

[jrryder18]

27 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

He's a grown a$$ man, he can take care of himself. He survived 30 years in law enforcement, he can survive most anything. 

Obviously, I am completely aware of this; however, being a grown a$$ man doesn't exempt him from making mistakes/poor decisions.  None of us are perfect. I certainly have made my fair share of bad decisions that I later regretted.  I think most of us have at some point.  If I didn't love and care about him as much as I do, I wouldn't give a $hit.  Because of how close we are and how much we look out for each other, I am just concerned that it may not be the best decision to quit this job until he finds another, which, by the way, I have been helping him with as far as sending him job listings that might be a good match for him. 

Edited 11 hours ago by jrryder18

[Gebidozo]

Unless he is literally going to starve if he quits his job before finding another one, I’d say just be supportive and let him be free of something that makes him miserable.

You could perhaps gently express your concerns. Say something like, “I fully support you and if you quit now I’ll be fine with that. But what if you hang on just a little bit more and quit once you have another job lined up?”.

[jrryder18]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Unless he is literally going to starve if he quits his job before finding another one, I’d say just be supportive and let him be free of something that makes him miserable.

You could perhaps gently express your concerns. Say something like, “I fully support you and if you quit now I’ll be fine with that. But what if you hang on just a little bit more and quit once you have another job lined up?”.

He definitely won't starve, and I've actually been wanting him to get out of this job for a while now because of the misery and stress it has caused him, and it has only been getting worse over the past year or so.  It also gets tiresome being an almost constant topic of conversation.  I just really thought that he would at least stay until he found a new job.  I absolutely support him getting out of this hell hole.  I don't like what it has done to him.  On the weekends, he is usually so exhausted from dealing with this job and his jackass boss all week that he hardly has the energy to do much of anything and has a tendency to be grumpy and irritable, which he rarely ever was prior to him truly becoming miserable at this job.  His schedule is also brutal, having to wake up by 2 am to be on the road by 3 am and at work by 4 am, working 10 hours Monday-Thursday, and then 4 hours from 4 am to 8 am on Fridays.  It's just too much.

Edited 8 hours ago by jrryder18

[Sanch62]

I can only speak for myself, and I'd back off and support his decision. All the weekend expenses are what I'd reconsider more carefully than taking a joyous, temporary retirement between jobs to live simply and frugally for a while.

If you want to be helpful, don't increase his stress with your own. This is not the end of the world.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, jrryder18 said:

I've been stressing over this since last week and time is quickly running out

Has his boss given any indication that he would even allow your boyfriend to reverse his decision? 

Given what you have written, I would not be surprised if the boss told your boyfriend to go kick rocks now that he's already submitted his resignation and they're expecting his departure. Sure, the company might need the labour but the boss sounds like a childish hothead who would not  be open to your boyfriend now changing his mind. 

In other words, I would not count on his currrent job even being an option anymore. That ship has probably sailed, so I would do your best to support his choice to leave and find other work. 

Edited 4 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

His job does sound totally toxic, and I don't blame him for doing what he did.  I think all you can do is be supportive.  He is an adult and he doesn't need you to tell him what to do.  It's his decision and he is the one who has to figure this out.

The good news is that you don't live with him and your finances are not intertwined with his.  So you don't need to worry about this screwing up your life in any way.  It's not your problem.  You should just be supportive.

[jrryder18]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

His job does sound totally toxic, and I don't blame him for doing what he did.  I think all you can do is be supportive.  He is an adult and he doesn't need you to tell him what to do.  It's his decision and he is the one who has to figure this out.

The good news is that you don't live with him and your finances are not intertwined with his.  So you don't need to worry about this screwing up your life in any way.  It's not your problem.  You should just be supportive.

Yes, although we have been talking about buying a place together.  I am even in the works of selling my house (I have a cash buyer very interested), so that will obviously put a damper on that.  

 

His job is definitely toxic.  All of the reviews of this company online by former employees confirm everything that my boyfriend has said and complained about.  The Friday before last, his boss literally accused him of "stealing company time" because he wasn't feeling well and had to use the restroom while he was clocked in. His boss thought that he was in there for too long and actually started pounding on the bathroom door.  That was the final straw for my boyfriend and was the impetus that led to him submitting his resignation last Monday.

 

I will absolutely be supportive.  I haven't once tried to convince him to stay at this job.  In fact, I've done just the opposite and have even helped him look for a new job.  I also cleaned up and updated his resume for him.  I knew that he was already applying for other jobs.  I just thought that he wouldn't quit until he had found another one, but he just can't deal with this place any longer.  Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I left my last job of 7 years a little over a year and a half ago due to very similar circumstances.  The only difference was that I worked from home (and still do), but I dealt with a very similar level of micromanagement and toxicity.  At the beginning of the year, my boyfriend was the only one to not receive a raise or a bonus, despite how has always gone above and beyond at this job (going in early, staying late, never calling out sick, etc.).  The exact same thing happened to me at my previous job, so I know EXACTLY how he feels.  The only difference was that I had already gotten another job when I resigned.  

 

I'm sure that he will find something relatively quickly.  He is highly skilled in many different areas.  I want him to be happy and not constantly be so exhausted and irritable from his job.