Girlfriend in crisis and pushed me away..struggling!

[MarkV]

Hi all

First of all, thanks for reading my post, it means a lot for me to get my words down and for advice.

So, me and my (then) girlfriend had been together for two years and been friends for six years. When we met as friends we were both coming to the end of our relationships. My GF was struggling with depression and she ended it even though I was super supportive. Her boyfriend neglected her for 8 years and was just plain lazy, never lifted a finger and would miss most social engagements if his football team were playing. She settled for it and it's only when we met that she realised that other guys can be emotionally mature. Fast forward, she ended the relationship with him, I was single and we started dating.

In the early days she told me that she wanted to keep me and her on the down low until she got the house situation sorted. Her and hr ex owned a house, dog etc and his parents had some money in the house too. I was happy with it but I was willing to be patient for a bit as she would say she loved me and that things would be easier once she is off the mortgage and in her new house. It was tough because I wanted us to be open and public but she said his family were narcissistic and she wanted to keep the peace until she got her £90,000 out of the house. She had a similar situation with her first boyfriend too who refused to leave her apartment when they broke up. Throughout our two years we had an amazing connection and loved each other so much but she's such a people pleaser and avoids any conflicts. This is turn leaves people disappointed as coupled with her ADHD and anxiety, she would double book herself and be late for things. In turn she was always burnout etc. I always felt hidden away with her fear of her ex finding out and making it difficult to sort the house sale out.

Anyways, the house process has been delayed five times and it's really knocked her back each time. Her ex DID find out about me eventually and she received horrendous abuse from his family (mainly his sister) who turned up at her house to verbally abuse her and try to hack into her social media to find out who I was..it's really made her spiral into a bad place. I kept telling her to just tell him that she was moving on. She removed me from all of the socials as she said they were actively looking to find out who i was and she didn't want to jeopardise my business etc. She HATES upsetting people but by keeping the peace she has ultimately really let me down a few times, and she knows it!

On the 30th July she was late to my friends birthday meal which was really important me as they invited her to get to know her. I felt really let down again and when i saw her she could tell how flattened I was. Two days later she sent me a really long text saying she's really struggling with life and is emotionally and physically not herself at the moment. She said she wants to make me happy but cant continue to see me disappointed and hurt due to her current unintentional actions whilst she's going through this time. She said her priority is getting in her new house as she feels on edge and run down constantly. She's lost 11kg in weight through stress and doesn't seem like the girl I met. She has weekly therapy and has been reading books etc into how to set boundaries and not feel the need to people please all the time. She said it comes from when she was younger when her dad (and now some 'friends') make her feel guilty if she doesn't spend weekly time with them.

I stayed in contact for a month just checking in every few days but was met with very surface level communication, whereas a month before she was loving and attentive. It's like the rug has been pulled from under me when I have a been a very supportive, patient partner (without being a pushover too). But I know my self worth so I've pulled right baack and have stopped messaging. I feel better day by day but it still hurts. I think she is due to finally exchange on the house this Friday, after 8 months of delays!

[Carlston]

Check in her occasionally with no expectations. Maybe after things settle down and she's in a better place she'll come around. 

 

[Sanch62]

I would do the opposite of checking in. I'd view this through the lens of a rebound relationship, so the only way I could trust any form of reconciliation would be for it to come from her, and without any influence from me.

Orbiting is not attractive. Being one more person she feels accountable to please is not inspiring, either. She's got some work to do, and she likely needs to stabilize solo as part of that process.

She knows how to reach you if she ever wants to.

[ExpatInItaly]

So she kept you a secret throughout the relationship and when her ex and his family found out, she removed you and acted like you still didn't exist?

My guy, this woman was not ready to be with anyone else. I am not sure you were getting the whole story from her, but it's clear she cannot offer you a decent relationship. I don't quite buy that this all about people-pleasing either. She seems to have been acting in her own self-interest an awful lot too, at the expense of your feelings. 

Notice how she apparently worked a lot harder to please everyone else but you? Interesting how that tendency didn't extned to keeping you happy and feeling like a valued part of her life. 

Edited Monday at 07:26 PM by ExpatInItaly

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry, but this is not the behavior of a person who is ready to be in a serious relationship.

My partner left a very good, caring boyfriend, whom her parents adored, so that she could be with me. Only three months into our relationship, she told her parents about us. Her Mom was absolutely furious, she loved that guy like a son and she still refuses to talk to me, after almost three years. My partner is a real people-pleaser, she is also very devoted to her mother, she knew those news would hurt her, yet she did it.

I knew then that I wasn’t a rebound or an option, I was a fully conscious choice on her part, entailing all possible consequences, including some negative ones. It simply doesn’t look like your girlfriend has made that choice yet.