My once close friend has been extremely distant for over a year

[jwp81]

Hi everyone,

 

I am looking for a bit of advice on something that has been bothering me for a little over a year now.  Back in late 2022, I met a woman at work when I started a new job (working remotely from home), whom I really clicked with, and we became quite close.  She and her husband live only about 45 minutes away from me. We live in New England, and she her husband had moved here a few years prior from the Midwest and didn't really have too many friends here.  She and I were hired at the same time and spent 3 months in training together remotely.  We started chatting on the side and had some awesome conversations. We then started texting and talking on the phone before work (mostly venting about how stressful our training was - we both ended up leaving this company at the beginning of 2024), during lunch breaks, and after work.  My husband had passed away in the spring of 2022, and I had just started dating my boyfriend at the time.  She was a great listener whenever I needed to talk and gave great advice.  She is 12 years older than me (I'm in my early 40s and she is in her mid-50s).  She would frequently tell me that she thought of me as a little sister and how wonderful it was to find true friends.  We decided to get together in person and met at a coffee shop right down the road from my house.  We then decided that we should all get together some weekend (my boyfriend and I as well as her and her husband).  We ended up doing so and had the BEST time!  We ate, we drank, we played games, and we all laughed hysterically!  My boyfriend and her husband instantly connected and became great friends.  Whenever we would get together with them on the weekends, we had an absolute blast.  My boyfriend and I even rented a beautiful log cabin for Christmas 2023/New Years' 2024, and they came and spent the holidays with us and my parents there.  It was probably one of the most memorable holidays ever.

 

We continued getting together with them as often as we could on the weekends, and it was always an amazing time.  However, in the early spring of 2024, she and her husband started having some very serious marital problems.  I won't get into all of the nitty-gritty details, but they ended up separating for a bit.  I would spend HOURS on the phone with her late at night, listening to her vent and just trying to be there for her.  My boyfriend was talking to her husband at this time as well.  We were both trying to help them as much as we possibly could.  They eventually ended up reconciling and started spending time with us again, but the last time we spent time with them, we could tell that things were definitely still not 100% copacetic between them based on some hostile remarks that they made to each other. That was the last time we saw them, and that was over a year ago (August of 2024).  I've reached out to her several times to invite them to come spend time with us and told her how much we missed them and how long it has been since we last saw them.  She either would not respond at all, or would take several days to even a week or more to get back to me, usually with a very brief/abrupt response, followed by total silence.  At one point, she told me that "life had been chaotic lately," but didn't elaborate or say any anything else.  She then told me a couple of months ago that her husband had started a new trucking job (he apparently was laid off from his previous job last year and she wasn't working) and he had been away in the Midwest all summer.  My boyfriend tried texting him a couple of times, but got no response at all, which was very unusual.

 

I just don't get it.  She used to literally talk my ear off for hours and hours and was always chomping at the bit to get together with my boyfriend and I, but for the past little over a year now, I can hardly even get her to respond to my text or Facebook messages.  She just isn't engaging at all and suddenly seems to not want to let me in on what's been going on in her life over the past 1+ year.  I stopped extending invitations to get together with us a few months ago.  I've basically given up.  I'm not going to beg or chase her when she is not even giving me the time of day anymore.  Something has obviously changed with her (and possibly her husband as well), but we have no idea what it could be.  I really valued our friendship and I miss her so much.  I feel very hurt by this "abandonment."  I've never had a connection/friendship with another woman like what we had, and it breaks my heart that she seems to have zero interest in continuing our friendship for some totally unknown reason. I have no idea what could have caused this.  The ONLY thing I can think of is in late September/early October of last year, she went back to the Midwest to attend a family member's wedding.  She had asked me on a Friday if I could pick her up from the airport on Monday.  I asked her what time her flight would be coming in, and she told me around 1:30 p.m.  I said that would be no problem and that I would be there.  Fast forward to that Monday, she texted me around 11 a.m. and said that her flight had gotten in early, and asked if I could pick her up.  I was right in the middle of something for work and couldn't leave the house right at that moment, and I wasn't planning to until 1:30 p.m. since that's when she had told me her flight would be coming in!  She eventually called an Uber and left me a "woe as me" voicemail about how she had been sitting at the airport waiting, and finally called an Uber and was all set.  After that is when I noticed the significant drop in her communication.  

 

I told my boyfriend that I wondered if she was holding a grudge against me because of that.  He said that it would be EXTREMELY petty and immature of her if that were the case.  I'm just grasping at straws here.  I feel like I have no closure as to what happened to our once very close friendship.  I've told her how much we miss seeing them and would love to get together with them sometime, but nothing.  With the holiday season approaching, I find myself remincing of the holidays we spent with them two years ago and I'm missing her even more and have a very strong desire to reconnect with her.

 

Here is my question - is it worth trying to have a conversation with her about why she has totally distanced herself from me for over a year now?  Her husband is no longer responding to my boyfriend either, although the last time he tried texting him was several months ago.  Should I ask her if there is anything that I did or said that caused her to pull away?  My boyfriend thinks it would be a waste of time since I've already extended multiple invitations to her and her husband to spend time with us and have openly told her how much we miss seeing them, and I've been met with either no response or a very abrupt, vague response.  However, this is still very much bothering me.  I am the type of person who keeps a very small circle, and I really value my friendships.  Plus, like I said, I really do miss her.  I miss our long phone calls, coffee dates, the four of us having fun together on the weekends, etc.  I was looking at photos of all of us the other day from 2023 and 2024, and it just broke my heart.  It's so hard to believe that we haven't seen them in 15 months.  

Edited Monday at 01:14 PM by jwp81

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, jwp81 said:

Here is my question - is it worth trying to have a conversation with her about why she has totally distanced herself from me for over a year now?  Her husband is no longer responding to my boyfriend either, although the last time he tried texting him was several months ago.  Should I ask her if there is anything that I did or said that caused her to pull away? 

I wouldn't.  They are going through something in their marriage and for whatever reason they are distancing themselves probably to work out their problems.  They should be allowed to do that in peace.  Do you have other friends you and your husband can hang out with?  If so, you should direct your attention to them.

[jwp81]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I wouldn't.  They are going through something in their marriage and for whatever reason they are distancing themselves probably to work out their problems.  They should be allowed to do that in peace.  Do you have other friends you and your husband can hang out with?  If so, you should direct your attention to them.

We have absolutely given them the space to be able to handle whatever it is that they are dealing with.  It's not like we have been hounding them.  In fact, my boyfriend has pretty much written them off at this point.  Like I said, I haven't reached out to her in months, and when I was reaching out to invite them to get together with us, the invites were few and far between after I would get either no response or a very vague response from her.  I would then wait 2-3 months and extend another invite, but I have stopped even doing that and haven't done so in about 3-4 months now. My boyfriend hasn't texted her husband since February, when he extended an invite to him (and her) to come to my mother's birthday party like they had the year prior. 

 

I guess I am a bit hurt because when they first started having marital problems and had separated in early 2024, she would have me on the phone for hours and hours almost daily for months going on and on about every single problem that she had with her husband as well as her stepson, which took me away from my work and even sleep as some of our phone calls would go well past midnight; however, I didn't mind because she was clearly very upset and needed someone to talk to.  She even made suicidal comments to me at one point.  She repeatedly said that my boyfriend and I were their only true friends who wanted to see their marriage be successful and how grateful she was for us.  Now, she has completely shut me out.  She never initiates contact anymore and we haven't seen them in 15 months.  She and I haven't had a coffee date in well over a year either.  We used to do that once or twice per week.  I just have a difficult time understanding how you could essentially "ditch" a friend who was there for you during some of your most difficult times.  

Of course my boyfriend and I have other friends.  That is not at all what this is about.  We just really enjoyed their company and had the best times with them, and we do very much miss seeing and talking to them.  We had awesome conversation, tons of laughs (I'm talking laughing to the point of crying), and genuinely loved spending time with them. We just all really connected and it was amazing while it lasted.  

Edited Monday at 03:15 PM by jwp81

[Sanch62]

Sometimes it's the deep exposure that can shut a person down afterward. While the two of you were speaking about her problems and her marriage, it was through a connection of shared goals for her. She may have since started feeling like a failure at those goals, and it feels too complex or depressing to revisit the person to whom she had been so open and vulnerable. It may have become territory that is too raw for her.

I'd skip the invites for now, but I would message and ask whether she might be open to a phone call tonight or tomorrow just to catch up.

If she is holding a grudge about the airport thing, that's not likely the real thing. Just a reach for rationale, so she doesn't need to feel guilty for avoiding contact with you. But the underlying avoidance isn't likely an intent to offend you. Sometimes people go through a rough time that feels exhausting and 'unspeakable'. The fact that this drives them to push others away just piles on and makes them feel even worse about themselves--so they shut down.

[jwp81]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

Sometimes it's the deep exposure that can shut a person down afterward. While the two of you were speaking about her problems and her marriage, it was through a connection of shared goals for her. She may have since started feeling like a failure at those goals, and it feels too complex or depressing to revisit the person to whom she had been so open and vulnerable. It may have become territory that is too raw for her.

I'd skip the invites for now, but I would message and ask whether she might be open to a phone call tonight or tomorrow just to catch up.

If she is holding a grudge about the airport thing, that's not likely the real thing. Just a reach for rationale, so she doesn't need to feel guilty for avoiding contact with you. But the underlying avoidance isn't likely an intent to offend you. Sometimes people go through a rough time that feels exhausting and 'unspeakable'. The fact that this drives them to push others away just piles on and makes them feel even worse about themselves--so they shut down.

I was actually thinking about this myself the other day.  She exposed SO much of her personal life to me, right down to the most intimate details of her marriage and basically her entire past since she was very young.  She was also EXTREMELY accusatory towards her husband and his teenage son (her stepson) about things they had done and how neither of them respected her, how he (her husband) drank very heavily on the weekends and became abusive, etc., etc.  She made herself 100000% vulnerable with me with the things that she shared.  Her husband, on the other hand, actually came to visit my boyfriend and I one day while they were separated and we could tell how genuinely hurt he was and how badly he wanted them to be able to work things out, but that she was forcing him to choose between his own son and her and that as much as he loved her, if faced with that decision, he would obviously have to choose his son.  He even showed us texts that he had sent her asking if she would consider going to counseling with him, but she didn't respond.  The last time that she and her husband got together with my boyfriend and I in August of 2024, they had a little spat in front of us, which they had never done before.  She later apologized to me for the way she behaved as she was the one who initiated it.  She also hinted about a month later that she may have cheated on her husband while she was in the Midwest for her family member's wedding and sent me a photo of her with another man saying, "This is my option B" if her husband "didn't shape up and make his son respect her."  She didn't come right out and admit to cheating, but she very strongly insinuated it.

 

Perhaps she feels embarrassed/ashamed of how much she shared with me.  Like I said, she even made suicidal statements to me on a couple of occasions.  I have absolutely no idea what has been going on in her life for the past 15 months since she has had so little contact with me.  I'm definitely not going to extend any more invites for now.  I haven't in a few months anyway.  I do think I will ask her if she would be open to a phone call or a FaceTime call at some point this week so that we can catch up a bit.  I do want her to know how much I value our friendship and how much I miss her.  I almost feel like she has been avoiding me this whole time.  She does respond to most of my messages, but like I said, they are VERY abrupt and usually very vague and it will only be one or two messages before she goes radio silent again.  Her marital issues are her business.  I don't want them to affect our relationship.

Edited Monday at 06:37 PM by jwp81

[Sanch62]

3 minutes ago, jwp81 said:

I do think I will ask her if she would be open to a phone call or a FaceTime call at some point this week so that we can catch up a bit.  I do want her to know how much I value our friendship and how much I miss her.

Yes, I'm glad it's occurred to you why she is ashamed, and shame is a wedge that lots of people can't push aside to face the one who knows too much. This is often why people drop their therapists. They don't usually know that that's their reason; they point to expense or other stuff.

I'd include the last part of the above in my request for a call. I would not suggest FaceTime. Let her 'save face' without a need to look you in the eye at this time. It would probably be too intense for her. Let her have an opportunity to relax on the phone with you.

Meanwhile, head high. I'm glad you're recognizing stuff that can help you not take this too personally. 

[jwp81]

8 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Yes, I'm glad it's occurred to you why she is ashamed, and shame is a wedge that lots of people can't push aside to face the one who knows too much. This is often why people drop their therapists. They don't usually know that that's their reason; they point to expense or other stuff.

I'd include the last part of the above in my request for a call. I would not suggest FaceTime. Let her 'save face' without a need to look you in the eye at this time. It would probably be too intense for her. Let her have an opportunity to relax on the phone with you.

Meanwhile, head high. I'm glad you're recognizing stuff that can help you not take this too personally. 

I'm definitely trying very hard not to take it too personally!  I don't want to lose our friendship as it has always meant so much to me!  I absolutely adore this woman and I hate that she has been so distant this past year.  My boyfriend and her husband called us team salt & pepper (she's African American and I'm white), LOL.  I agree that she is most likely feeling shame and embarrassment for grossly oversharing and behaving in the way that she did (the suicidal remarks she made to me, starting an argument with her husband in front of my boyfriend and I, etc.).  I really do hope that she will eventually come around!  I agree that a phone call would probably be better than a video call right now, just to kind of catch up.  In the past, our phone calls have gone on for 2, 3, or 4 hours.  I care about her and I just want to know how she has been doing and what she has been up to for the past year, and I really hope that at some point she will be ready for in-person visits again!

Edited Monday at 06:47 PM by jwp81

[Sanch62]

10 minutes ago, jwp81 said:

In the past, our phone calls have gone on for 2, 3, or 4 hours.  I care about her and I just want to know how she has been doing and what she has been up to for the past year, and I really hope that at some point she will be ready for in-person visits again!

Yeah, the historical phone call length can be a deterrent for her, so I'd ask for a 'quick' call to catch up. I wouldn't discuss her readiness for in-person visits at this time. That would turn her willingness to make this small step into what she fears--an expectation that she resume the kind of friendship and vulnerability she can't handle right now.

I'd keep it light. I'd stay away from expressing how her distance has hurt you. I'd stay focused on how much you appreciate this time she's giving you, and I'd avoid making this about how her behavior has made you feel. She knows, and she can't handle that. That's exactly why this perpetuates--she doesn't want to face that.

Fingers crossed for you.

[jwp81]

25 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Yeah, the historical phone call length can be a deterrent for her, so I'd ask for a 'quick' call to catch up. I wouldn't discuss her readiness for in-person visits at this time. That would turn her willingness to make this small step into what she fears--an expectation that she resume the kind of friendship and vulnerability she can't handle right now.

I'd keep it light. I'd stay away from expressing how her distance has hurt you. I'd stay focused on how much you appreciate this time she's giving you, and I'd avoid making this about how her behavior has made you feel. She knows, and she can't handle that. That's exactly why this perpetuates--she doesn't want to face that.

Fingers crossed for you.

My very last intention is to make her feel worse or even guilty!  That's not what my objective is at all.  Obviously, she has been going through some pretty tough times.  I have no idea if her martial problems are still ongoing as she hasn't talked about it in over a year.  I'm fairly certain that they are still together.  I do know that she hasn't worked in nearly 2 years since we left the company we worked at together (I went back to my self-employment, still working from home) and her husband lost his very high paying truck driving job last year.  She told me that he had to go to Texas to train for a new job (not sure why he couldn't find a job locally) and then told me the last time we talked about 3 months ago that her husband is never home and that he had been in the Midwest all summer.  I have no idea if he was there for work or what the situation is/was as she didn't go into any further detail.  I just want to make sure that she is doing okay and catch up in general since it's been a good year since our last phone call.  I just hope she's open to it!  I certainly won't pressure her at all.  She was actually the one who kept the calls going for that long in the past.  I would finally have to tell her that I needed to go as I had to work, sleep, or tend to other things!  That's one of the reasons why her distance has been so confusing to me.  She used to be a nonstop chatterbox! 

Edited Monday at 07:33 PM by jwp81

[ShyViolet]

You've already tried reaching out to her multiple times, and she has clearly let you know through her behavior that she is not interested.  For whatever reason she chose not to open up and tell you her reasons.  But that is her choice.  I think reaching out to her again would be chasing.  She has already made her choice clear, I really don't think there is a point to reaching out yet again.  I think at this point you need to respect her boundaries.

If she did this because of the airport thing, that is beyond ridiculous.  That was literally not your fault.

I understand that you are really sad to lose this friendship, but those are feelings that you need to process on your end.  Chasing and chasing will not get you a different result.