Can a spouse truly value a new male friend over their partner during crisis?

[Kinetic007]

I need some perspective. My wife started a new job in January, and I had just been diagnosed with cancer the previous December. While I was going through treatment and facing one of the most difficult periods of my life, she formed a close friendship with a male coworker.

Within just eight weeks, she was name-dropping him, attending staff nights out, singing karaoke with him, and even coming home wearing his coat. She started chatting with him on WhatsApp privately. When I expressed discomfort, she called me possessive, gaslighted me, and insisted she “couldn’t help” having male friends.

What I cannot understand is this: during the most stressful, vulnerable time in my life, my spouse invested emotionally in someone she barely knew, while dismissing my feelings and prioritizing that connection over my well-being.

I’ve always believed in exclusivity and mutual support in marriage. My question is: can someone genuinely form a friendship so quickly and place it above their spouse’s needs, or is this a serious boundary issue? Is this kind of behavior something I should accept as normal, or is it a red flag that needs attention?

I’m looking for honest perspectives on this, not judgment. How common is this dynamic, and how should someone handle it?

Edited yesterday at 03:45 PM by Kinetic007
too vague

[Sanch62]

56 minutes ago, Kinetic007 said:

Is this kind of behavior something I should accept as normal, or is it a red flag that needs attention?

Not normal for a loving spouse, so the question becomes, is she loving?

My heart goes out to you for going through such a diagnosis and treatment. How are you doing at present?

Has this problem escalated since it started, or have things died down with the dude but your feelings about that time are still bothering you?

[smackie9]

People step out emotionally on their partner to escape the issues or trauma, or grief, neglect, abuse within a relationship. She couldn't handle her situation at home, so this guy was her refuge. IMO she's scared of losing you, and people in that situation trip and fall into emotional affairs, drinking, substance abuse, gambling, excessive shopping, etc to cope. Not that I am making excuses for her, no, but just letting you know how some people cope with difficult situations. She needs to be brought back down to earth with you having one more conversation but don't bring up the guy, that will give her opportunity to dismiss you.  Focus the conversation on her behaviour, how she treated you when you needed her most. To snap her out of it, Make sure to let her know you understand that not only this was very difficult for you, but it was for her to see you go through this diagnosis/treatment. It's scary, and the future can look very uncertain. Tell her you are upset with the way things are, and ask what can you both do to make this better. Maybe you need to suggest to separate, give space if she's being uncooperative. Maybe that might knock some sense into her. I am truly sorry what you are going through. Cancer affects everyone, and we all are in a fight for better cures and treatments. I hope things work out for you. Final words: the only thing that works, is calm, honest communication. Don't give up. 

[petee]

Do you suspect an affair? This seems to be another example of the well trodden path to a physical affair, once the emotional check out is validated.

Stay strong, please do everything you can to get fixed, then perhaps address the suspicion. 
You deserve better.

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. As for your wife, there isn't enough information in your post to say either way.

2 hours ago, Kinetic007 said:

Within just eight weeks, she was name-dropping him, attending staff nights out, singing karaoke with him, and even coming home wearing his coat. She started chatting with him on WhatsApp privately.

"Name dropping", as in she mentions his name sometimes?

Attending staff nights out - that's a very normal thing to do, even if your spouse has cancer. Maybe not during specific points in your cancer journey, like if you were just recovering from surgery she should decline the night out. But otherwise, are you expecting your spouse to only leave the house to work, and spend 100% of their leisure time attending to you?

Singing karaoke with him - did this happen one on one or was it part of a group night out?

Wearing his coat - potentially concerning, needs more context, did you ask her why?

Chatting on Whatsapp with a colleague - again very normal in moderate amounts, but if it exceeds normal limits and starts intruding on your time together, then that should be discussed.

2 hours ago, Kinetic007 said:

My question is: can someone genuinely form a friendship so quickly and place it above their spouse’s needs

What "needs" exactly did you have that she is ignoring? Aside from your apparent "need" for her to not have male friends, anyway.

 

Edited yesterday at 05:50 PM by Els