Could you get past lying

[Relationship81]

Found out recently, that my husband, before we were official had a one night stand the eve before sleeping with me and has never told me. I had to ask this question recently.

we have now been together for 5 yrs and married for nearly 3. We have known each other for yrs and got back in touch and slept together (protected) the 2nd time we met. I did say I wasn’t looking to date. We were texting and calling for 4 weeks and I did visit again a couple of weeks after the sexual encounter, just for drinks and catch up. He asked me to come round again on the Friday (3 days later), but Friday came and he didn’t mention it, but we did have a 4 hour call and he dropped some food down and asked for a hug. The next day he was texting all day and told me he was out on it that eve so didn’t get any communication. This was the eve he wasn’t out but had a girl round for unprotected sex, which was planned and I obviously never knew about. 

The next day he was back to messaging me and asking me to pop round to help him out with something in his home  and we ended up having protected sex again. A week later after many more texts and calls we made it official. 
 

After finding this out now I am upset as had I known at the time I would never have had sex the day after with him knowing that and  wouldn’t have even started a relationship with him so this is really hard to navigate.

any advice would be appreciated 

Edited Sunday at 09:22 AM by Relationship81

[Sanch62]

How did you find out about this, and when?

[MsJayne]

Hmm, that's hard because between the lie and the present-day circumstances you've built a life together. Was it a lie or was it an omission? Did he tell you about it or did you find out by chance? Either way it can kinda take the shine off of how you view the initial part of your romance, and I get why you feel manipulated and betrayed, but maybe the most important thing is that he never did it again. He defo owes you some sort of "I'm sorry" gift though, like a spa package or a weekend away, as a good will gesture to help you move past this distasteful incident 

 

[Relationship81]

I found out by chance and then confronted him and he then told me the truth. He said he wasn’t sure what I wanted at that point and it was nothing more than bunk up.

My issue is that he shouldn’t have slept with me the same day as she left his house that morning. I would never have got in to a relationship knowing this 

[Relationship81]

It has definitely taken the shine off it believe me.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Relationship81 said:

My issue is that he shouldn’t have slept with me the same day as she left his house that morning. I would never have got in to a relationship knowing this 

Why? You weren’t in a relationship back then. That wasn’t cheating. He didn’t do anything wrong or hurt you.

Regardless, I agree that discovering such a lie by omission after several years is an unpleasant, off-putting, and potentially shocking experience.

That’s why I’m a big believer in completely honesty and transparency regarding your partner’s sexual past, especially recent. 

[Relationship81]

55 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why? You weren’t in a relationship back then. That wasn’t cheating. He didn’t do anything wrong or hurt you.

Regardless, I agree that discovering such a lie by omission after several years is an unpleasant, off-putting, and potentially shocking experience.

That’s why I’m a big believer in completely honesty and transparency regarding your partner’s sexual past, especially recent. 

I know we weren’t in a relationship, but surely that should be disclosed prior to sleeping with me again as it’s respect and also the issue of stds.

He said he didn’t as knew a relationship probably wouldn’t happen and he was right. I think honesty is massive and I could never do that to someone. The fact he was on the phone the eve before for hours and came to give me a hug knowing he had that intention the next night is wrong in my eyes. Hence, why I wanted others opinions thank you

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, Relationship81 said:

I found out by chance and then confronted him and he then told me the truth.

Okay, this is 5 years later, so how would that come up 'by chance' and from whom? ...Right down to whether his sex was protected or not?

Context matters. It speaks to the landscape you are navigating. For instance, who is so involved and invested in your partner's private business that they would try to sabotage your relationship today? Or did your partner leave some kind of screen open on a shared device for you to see something about this, maybe to provoke you into breaking things off so he wouldn't need to do it?

Confront is a strong word. Decide how invested you want to be in creating a narrative that trashes 5 years just to make yourself miserable. Not telling you something about his private encounters prior to going exclusive with you is not the same as 'lying,' and it's also not beneficial to assume that he would predict what you 'would have done' or not done based on info that he didn't believe was owed to you at the time.

The reasons for protected sex aren't just about pregnancy. They include an assumption that you may be at risk for STI's and choose to reduce that risk rather than insist on waiting for a clean blood test. So if you opted for that risk and operated under a 'don't ask' policy, then the counter to that becomes, 'don't tell'.

[ExpatInItaly]

Before I comment further, I am curious why it matters this much now, years later. 

You seem to have stored some quite detailed memories from that specifc period in your relationship with him (ie. what day things happened, how long a certain phone call was) Has this been eating at you for a long time? I wonder because it seems rather unusual you'd remember the exact timeline in this much detail if something wasn't already not sitting well with you. 

And how did you find all of this out? 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Relationship81 said:

I know we weren’t in a relationship, but surely that should be disclosed prior to sleeping with me again as it’s respect and also the issue of stds.

He said he didn’t as knew a relationship probably wouldn’t happen and he was right. I think honesty is massive and I could never do that to someone. The fact he was on the phone the eve before for hours and came to give me a hug knowing he had that intention the next night is wrong in my eyes. Hence, why I wanted others opinions thank you

What if he's slept with her the week before he met you?  There'd still be an issue of STDs

If you wanted someone who was abstaining between relationship partners, you should have been upfront about your expectations

Edited Sunday at 10:40 PM by basil67

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, Relationship81 said:

I I would never have got in to a relationship knowing this 

Are you actually saying that you wish your entire marriage had never happened?

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, Relationship81 said:

I know we weren’t in a relationship, but surely that should be disclosed prior to sleeping with me again as it’s respect and also the issue of stds.

He said he didn’t as knew a relationship probably wouldn’t happen and he was right. I think honesty is massive and I could never do that to someone. The fact he was on the phone the eve before for hours and came to give me a hug knowing he had that intention the next night is wrong in my eyes. Hence, why I wanted others opinions thank you

If you were worried about STDs, why didn’t you raise that issue before sleeping with him the first time?

Like I said, I understand your feeling about discovering a lie by omission, but it was a sort of self-protective lie that he chose because he foresaw the reaction you’re having now.

Personally, I disagree with that choice. Experience has taught me that keeping secrets from your partner doesn’t pay off.

But I hope you can relate to the dilemma he’s been facing. If he told you, you’d judge him and break up with him. If he didn’t tell you, you’d still judge him if you found out, but maybe you wouldn’t find out, so it’s still safer to not tell you.

I guess he really wanted to be with you, even though you two obviously have some incompatible views on that matter.

Edited Monday at 01:09 AM by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, Relationship81 said:

I found out by chance

How?