Is there a less painful way to tell boyfriend I bought my own home and will not be moving to his house?

[Findinghome]

My boyfriend of 10 months has been asking me to move in with him for a while. I’ve been reluctant because I wouldn’t move in until we get to know each other better but more importantly, he lives about 40 minutes away and I want to live close by my daughter and granddaughter who was born 6 months ago. I’m semi retired and a house became available only 1 mile from my daughter. I bought it and I haven’t been able to tell my boyfriend what I’ve decided to do. I tried to broach the subject with him a few weeks ago by saying that where he lives is far from my family and he seem to shoot that down by saying oh it’s not that far. He doesn’t have any children, but I want to be a big part of my granddaughter’s life since I’ll be the only grandparent that lives nearby. The other family lives very far away in another part of the country. I need to tell my boyfriend tomorrow what I’ve done since I’ll be moving in less than two weeks. I do really care for him, but there’s no way I would live where he lives even though he has a beautiful new home the area is not developed yet but more importantly it’s just too far away for me. Perhaps I’m just afraid of what his reaction will be. I feel bad for telling him and willing to continue to see him but we’d have 2 different homes. Any advice how to tell him other than straight forward and let the chips fall where they may?

 

[FredEire]

I think he may be disappointed, but if he's a solid guy he'll understand as wanting to be close to your family is reasonable as well. It shouldn't really be that big of a deal if your relationship is otherwise going well. But yes, I would just tell him tactfully and directly because concealing it and having him find out before you tell him would be a much bigger deal.

[basil67]

I think that not moving in together because you want to stay near your daughter and grandbaby will possibly be a lesser problem than you not having already shared this momentous decision you were making.  Not for his input, but simply sharing.   

In his shoes, I'd accept the idea of seeing each other while living separately (a 40 minute drive for a daytime visit/nighttime sleepover is easy enough)  but to have had all this happen and not be given the heads up would make me rethink the whole relationship.  

Edited Saturday at 04:47 AM by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In his shoes, I'd accept the idea of seeing each other while living separately (a 40 minute drive for a daytime visit/nighttime sleepover is easy enough)  but to have had all this happen and not be given the heads up would make me rethink the whole relationship.  

I agree. 

OP, I absolutely understand why you don't want to live together yet. It's too early for that so you are wise not to have gone along with his request. However, buying a home and not saying anything to him is surely going to hurt him. It''s not a very long relationship but you'd think you'd have shared this big news somewhere along the way. Keeping it to yourself until the last minute is not a good look on your part. 

I don't think there is a "less painful" way to tell him. It is not going to go over well. 

[Gaeta]

I don't think this is the man for you. You previously told him it was important for you to remain near your grand child and he dismissed it by saying 40 mins is not that far. He was not open to negociating a solution that would suit you both.

Also, if you shopped and bought a house without ever mentionning anything to him then it means you are not that close as a couple, you should not be living together anywhere. Moving in togehter after 10 months dating is more about sharing cost of living than it is about building a life together. It rarely has happy endings. 

[MsJayne]

If he’s so unimportant to you that you went through the process of buying a home without discussing it with him, especially when you’ve talked about living together, he’s not the guy for you. It’s normal to want to be near to your family, especially with a new grandchild, but if your adult children and their lives take priority over your own life with your partner you should perhaps expect him to end the relationship when he realises he’s so insignificant to you. 

[ShyViolet]

It takes some time to close on a house.... you basically kept this big secret from him, which is going to seem very weird no matter how you tell him.  If you didn't want to move in with him, you should have said something from the beginning.  There is no way to make it "less painful', you just need to plainly say it and get it out in the open.  This might irreversibly damage the relationship, and if that happens then so be it.

In any case, you were 100% right not to move in with him when dating for such a short time.

[Sanch62]

How did the conversation turn out?

[smackie9]

You put it off telling him because you know what the result is going to be....he's probably going to walk. The reality, and this has been pretty evident early in your relationship, that your expectations are too far apart. Sticking your head in the sand leads to consequences. Other than that, you had to do what was best for you and your family. If he can't understand that, then he's hasn't been the right guy for you anyways. IMO 10 months is way too soon to even know someone to make such a commitment, so you were right to question yourself on that. 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not your job to anticipate and lessen his pain. Your job is to be fully honest about what you need and want.

You give way too many reasons. Usually there is one strong reason. Dating only 10 months--that's enough to say no to moving in with someone. And then you don't want to move away from family--that's huge. You run on and on ... which is what people do when they skip school and don't have a good reason.

Him shooting you down (to use your language) is a major sign of trouble, a red flag. He's trying to argue you into moving 40 miles away after just 10 months?

I think you need to dump this guy. And it's a red flag that he thinks his opinion matters about what your choice is. He's controlling. In fact, I'm betting he's got financial problems, and he wants you to move because you probably have more money than him, will end up paying bills and you'll be away from your family, which weakens your independence and outside support.

Definite no. He gives you a lot of mouth, walk on out, for good!

Edited 15 hours ago by Lotsgoingon