The Flame

[The Flame]

Hello. I'm an exotic dancer known as The Flame. I've danced in topless clubs throughout the United States. It's a job. I've been working for over 20 years within the industry. All of the women I work with have themes that they use in their acts. For example, I have auburn hair; hence my stage name. I'm an acrobat and a pole dancer. I also use a chair in my routine displaying my skills as an acrobat and contortionist. All of the women I work with are using the job as a means to an end; many are single mothers such as myself with no man at home to support them. So we rely on the kindness of gentlemen who we call our regular customers. We are not prostitutes. We are artists. I'm seeking a dance teaching credential because my goal is to eventually teach dance at a high school. The women I work with are from very diverse backgrounds: some are Muslim, others adhere to mainstream Christianity, some all Catholics, some are observant Jews, and a few even follow the Wiccan tradition. We do not judge each other. We all get along and respect each other. We do not argue; we show respect and admiration for each other as artists within a very lucrative profession. We are a family. Personally, I come from a very religious family. I know the Lord Jesus. My dad has even come to watch my show onstage. It was actually the best day in my life aside from the birth of my daughter. He saw me as a dancer/artist. Here is my query: I'm leaving the profession because a school district is interested in hiring me as a dance teacher. I never once mentioned the fact that I also work clubs, but I do have a lot of professional dance experience including the parade units at Disneyland. I've also been a fitness model in 3 Walk Fitness DVD's. I've started dating again. I tend to gravitate towards guitarists because I'm also a professional singer. All of the bands with whom I've worked as a front person know I'm an exotic dancer and have no problem with it because we are all entertainers. But some of the men who have expressed an interest in me due to my appearance tend to literally "turn tail and run" as soon as I mention that I love the Lord Jesus. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. Can anyone out there offer me some advice as to why men can't commit to a "beautiful woman" (their words to me) who loves the Lord Jesus although she's a professional dancer? Sincerely asking for help here. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, The Flame said:

But some of the men who have expressed an interest in me due to my appearance tend to literally "turn tail and run" as soon as I mention that I love the Lord Jesus. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. Can anyone out there offer me some advice as to why men can't commit to a "beautiful woman" (their words to me) who loves the Lord Jesus although she's a professional dancer? Sincerely asking for help here. 

Have you asked those men for explanations? What exactly did they say?

My guess is that some of them don’t want to date Christian women, for whatever reason. For some people, religion (or absence of it) can be a dealbreaker.

Or maybe they are used to label people in a certain way and can’t quite wrap their heads around the fact that a person can love Jesus while being an exotic dancer.

Personally, I also believe in Jesus and I see absolutely nothing strange or off-putting in the combination of your profession and your beliefs.

You should focus on finding a broad-minded man who will understand and accept the different sides of your personality and your life.

Edited yesterday at 04:49 AM by Gebidozo

[Sony12]

There are a lot of religious people who try to really push their religious beliefs on to other people. It's really just an unfortunate symptom of how many other people act than you in particular. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's just down to an incompatibility in religious beliefs, OP. 

I am not religious myself, so if a man I'd started dating mentioned that he is, I would know it's not a match for me. I can certainly respect others' beliefs, but I know they wouldn't align with my own worldview and value systerm. No harm, no foul  - just not a match. 

 

[MsJayne]

Some people may perceive the combination of your job and you being so vocal about religious conviction as hypocritical, based on their own perceptions and interpretations of religion. There are also many people who would consider topless dancing as a form of sex work, in the sense that the venue you work at caters to men's sexual interests. The dancing part is the artistry, the topless bit is about men and sex. No judgment here but let's call a spade a spade  . Here's the thing, because of your job the large majority of men would perceive you as the exotic dancer and that's who they're interested in. When they find out you're deeply religious it challenges the idea they have of you, changes you from 'sexpot with contortion skills' to 'woman with values'. My advice would be to look outside the music industry, it's full of men who are so crazy in love with themselves there's no room for you.

[basil67]

I understand that your co-workers all get on with each other despite your different religious views.   But there's a difference between knowing and accepting a coworker's beliefs to actually having a relationship with them.

I'm not religious in any way.   My ex husband did believe in God, but didn't go to church and I was fine with that.  But not in a million years would I date someone who "Loves the Lord Jesus" because this suggests active Christianity.  Of course there's nothing wrong with being an active Christian and people are free to follow their own path, but we'd be wildly incompatible as partners.  

I would imagine you have equal issues finding men who are Christian but are OK with you working in the sex industry.

 

[Gebidozo]

I still don’t understand how spiritual or religious beliefs, per se, would be a dealbreaker to anyone. It’s so much more about the person’s attitude than about their faith.

I mean, I consider myself a Christian, but I wouldn’t date a Christian fundamentalist, someone who thinks that I’d go to hell if I disagree with this or another part of the doctrine. But the problem here would be personal attitude much more than the actual belief.

 

 

[smackie9]

These men that run are doing you a favour....they are narrow minded cowards. You and your circumstances is special, so it will take time to find that someone that will appreciate you and where you came from, that is compassionate, loving, open. I get it, it's unfortunate society still has a lot of growing up to do....you will persevere. 

[FredEire]

I think it's likely a lot of these guys associate your profession with quick and easy sex and that's why they are going for you, but then they hear you are also religious and think "ok too much for me".

I'm not excusing their behaviour when I say that obviously. If anything it could actually be a good thing because you filter out guys who aren't actually interested in you as a person.

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

If anything it could actually be a good thing because you filter out guys who aren't actually interested in you as a person.

Exactly.

OP, clarify for yourself what your goals are for dating. If it's to find a loving monogamous relationship, then you'll want to screen out everyone else who is in your way of finding the RIGHT man for you.

That's one man. So appealing to the masses wouldn't make your goal easier to reach. Screen your dating pool down to a small niche, and consider anyone who self-screens out of your way to be doing you a favor.

Head high, and be patient. The right person for you is a needle in the haystack, but this is true for everyone who won't settle for less than true simpatico. 

Edited 15 hours ago by Sanch62

[The Flame]

On 11/7/2025 at 8:48 PM, Gebidozo said:

Have you asked those men for explanations? What exactly did they say?

My guess is that some of them don’t want to date Christian women, for whatever reason. For some people, religion (or absence of it) can be a dealbreaker.

Or maybe they are used to label people in a certain way and can’t quite wrap their heads around the fact that a person can love Jesus while being an exotic dancer.

Personally, I also believe in Jesus and I see absolutely nothing strange or off-putting in the combination of your profession and your beliefs.

You should focus on finding a broad-minded man who will understand and accept the different sides of your personality and your life.

I appreciate your response. I don't consider myself a Christian. I am an altruist who studies all religions as I come across them. I believe in the Lord Jesus. I am a follower of his practices when it comes to my relationships with others of different walks of faith. I accept them and share my love for the Lord with them. The men I spoke of tend to "run and hide" from me; as if I'm too good for them, when in reality, I'm just a person who believes in the Holy Spirit; that it surpasses all offenses due to the frailty of human beings and limited understanding of the Lord God Almighty. 

[The Flame]

I truly appreciate all of your responses. They are so thoughtful and gave me pause...one even made me cry. I've been very hurt by all of this as one man in particular I became very involved with and then he left me for another woman: a woman who is no better than myself. She doesn't even have an education; she's a "couch surfer" because she can't hold down a decent job. I'm an educated woman and an entertainer. I have a profession of which I'm very proud. I bring joy to others and make them forget about their current circumstances whenever I dance, sing, or put on a show. It's so difficult being a woman of substance; who has feelings...only to be stepped on; taken advantage of for my kindness and generosity towards others without judging them. It hurts to be compassionate at times because I see very little shown towards me in return. It's easier to put a person down than build that person up and encourage them to move forward. Maybe you're all right: these cowards are doing me a favor by getting lost in the midst of their own insecurities. Still, all I can do is keep going. Honestly, at this point in my life, I'm better off spending quality time with my dog. At least her love is truly unconditional.  

[Sanch62]

23 minutes ago, The Flame said:

Maybe you're all right: these cowards are doing me a favor by getting lost in the midst of their own insecurities. Still, all I can do is keep going. Honestly, at this point in my life, I'm better off spending quality time with my dog. At least her love is truly unconditional.  

My heart goes out to you, Flame. I can appreciate how disloyalty can hurt, even while I encourage you not to project that onto everyone who doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens. While yes, rejection does speak to another's limits rather than of any reflection on you, it's something natural we all contend with, so please don't feel alone in this regard.

The right person for you will see you through the right lens. We ALL have a unique lens, so rather than personalize the limits of anyone else's to feel stung, it's far easier to accept that NObody can please most people. That's natural odds. The earlier we grasp this, the easier dating becomes, and the more easily we can adopt the important life skill of resilience.

Think of bad matches like puzzle pieces that don't fit your own. Each is equally valid in its contribution to the whole picture, but they just don't belong fitted together. That's not personal, and we can either harm ourselves with every mismatch or we can roll past those without allowing them to make dating more difficult than it has to be. Head high.

[FredEire]

48 minutes ago, The Flame said:

I truly appreciate all of your responses. They are so thoughtful and gave me pause...one even made me cry. I've been very hurt by all of this as one man in particular I became very involved with and then he left me for another woman: a woman who is no better than myself. She doesn't even have an education; she's a "couch surfer" because she can't hold down a decent job. I'm an educated woman and an entertainer. I have a profession of which I'm very proud. I bring joy to others and make them forget about their current circumstances whenever I dance, sing, or put on a show. It's so difficult being a woman of substance; who has feelings...only to be stepped on; taken advantage of for my kindness and generosity towards others without judging them. It hurts to be compassionate at times because I see very little shown towards me in return. It's easier to put a person down than build that person up and encourage them to move forward. Maybe you're all right: these cowards are doing me a favor by getting lost in the midst of their own insecurities. Still, all I can do is keep going. Honestly, at this point in my life, I'm better off spending quality time with my dog. At least her love is truly unconditional.  

You are probably also looking in the wrong places.

I'm a musician myself, I love music but musician social circles especially with people who do it for a living are full of very transitory characters and a lot of substance abusers and womanisers.

I think given your values you'd be more likely to meet someone who aligns with you at church or a bible study group, for example.

[Sony12]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You are probably also looking in the wrong places.

I'm a musician myself, I love music but musician social circles especially with people who do it for a living are full of very transitory characters and a lot of substance abusers and womanisers.

I think given your values you'd be more likely to meet someone who aligns with you at church or a bible study group, for example.

Plus unless a 'musician' has gotten lucky they usually aren't very financially stable. 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Plus unless a 'musician' has gotten lucky they usually aren't very financially stable. 

Right. I don't know how many musician friends I had who were living off their last paycheck and in some cases borrowing money from women they were involved with to do bumps in the bathroom of the bar they were gigging at.

I eventually had to distance myself from it a bit because I was there primarily for the music, but it always seemed to turn into a drug-fuelled drama fest.