Mismatch feelings

[Hammerman]

I need help understanding a situation that has deeply affected every part of my life. I got close to a girl who made me feel special in the beginning. She opened up to me, showed interest, and made me believe there was a real chance for something meaningful. 

 

I developed strong feelings with real attachment, real love and I was always honest that I wanted a serious relationship.

 

But our feelings were never matched. I loved her, but she didn’t love me back. Even though she knew from the start that I wasn’t “the one” for her, she never let me go. 

 

Instead, she kept me hanging with small doses of hope, telling me things like “maybe one day” or “if I reopen the door, you might be an option.” She kept me emotionally hooked even though she already knew she would never choose me.

 

Throughout all this, she would often tell me about other men who wanted to date her, proudly saying that she pushed them away. Every time, I felt jealous and hurt because I had feelings for her, but she acted like we were “just friends,” as if none of this should affect me. 

 

I kept swallowing that pain, ignoring it, pretending I was okay.

 

Then her current boyfriend entered the picture. At first, she acted like she wasn’t truly interested in him. She said she was pressured by her family, that she had no choice, that she didn’t want to look bad because of her age and family expectations about marriage. 

 

She tried to make it look like the whole relationship was forced on her. But I could clearly see that she did like him. She was into him, just hiding it so that I wouldn’t get hurt, and so she wouldn’t lose me as emotional support.

 

This put me in an impossible position: loving someone who wanted to keep me close emotionally while building a relationship with someone else.

 

 I gave her my time, my energy, my money, my focus, i mean, everything!!!. My sports season deteriorated, my performance at work suffered, my friendships disappeared. I wasn’t myself anymore.

 

 

Eventually, I reached a breaking point. I snapped. I laid everything out to her. All my feelings, all the pain, all the truth and then I blocked her to protect myself. 

 

I think it shocked her because she’s usually the one who walks away or blocks people, not the other way around. But I had no choice.

 

Now I am trying to understand:

 

– Why did she keep me close when she knew she would never choose me?

– Why give me hope instead of freeing me?

– Why continue sharing details about other men, knowing it would hurt me?

– And why did this situation damage my life so deeply?

I’m looking for an objective perspective on what really happened, and how I can heal and move forward from all of this.

 

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, Hammerman said:

Now I am trying to understand:

– Why did she keep me close when she knew she would never choose me?

– Why give me hope instead of freeing me?

– Why continue sharing details about other men, knowing it would hurt me?

– And why did this situation damage my life so deeply?

I’m looking for an objective perspective on what really happened, and how I can heal and move forward from all of this.

 

We can't tell you why she did it.  Heck, she may not know either.  

The healing will come when you answer questions about your own decisions here and learn from this.    You knew she didn't love you.  You knew she was stringing you along.   You kept meeting her even though she hurt you by seeing other men.    Find the part of you which was so damaged that you chose to go along with all of this and start healing by planning how you'd manage a situation like this in the future  

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Hammerman said:

Why did she keep me close when she knew she would never choose me?

Because she enjoyed the attention and the fact that you willingly agreed to become her convenient backup plan.

 

2 hours ago, Hammerman said:

Why give me hope instead of freeing me?

You were never unfree to begin with. You could have, and should have, walked away from her the moment she made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t romantically interested in you. Instead, you chose to stay, hoping to get some leftovers from her romantic life. She never gave you hope. You did.

 

2 hours ago, Hammerman said:

Why continue sharing details about other men, knowing it would hurt me?

Possibly out of curiosity, to see how far you were willing to go humiliating yourself. And again you chose to stay around even after she had told you that.

 

2 hours ago, Hammerman said:

And why did this situation damage my life so deeply?

Because you disrespected yourself by continuing to orbit a person who wasn’t interested in you instead of walking away.

Lack of self-respect is always very damaging. Try to understand what made you feel and act in such a way,, perhaps with the help of a good therapist. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Hammerman said:

Why give me hope instead of freeing me?

Why did you pass the buck and make it her responsibility to do so? 

You knew the score for a long time. No, she shouldn't have kept you around for attention when she knew you had feelings. But ulimately, it was up to you to free yourself. You were not helpless there, man. 

7 hours ago, Hammerman said:

Why continue sharing details about other men, knowing it would hurt me?

Because she sounds like not a very nice person with a lot of main-character energy. She fancies herself some great object of desire. Keep in mind you don't know how much of her tales was actually true, or if she exaggerated for effect to keep spinning the narrative that she is just so irresistible to men. Either way, it's the sign of emotional immaturity and should have been your cue to stay away from this person.