Should I end things for good with my boyfriend?

[Luna6]

There is a pattern with my current partner where I can't seem to communicate or get him to listen /talk about our relationship or our future and we breakup and get back together. 

For me this is the largest underlying issue since when we first got together he was throwing around ideas of a future together. I want to know we are building for a future.

He has a 19 year old daughter with a lot of issues with drugs, lying, manipulation etc. Her and I get along fine, however it is 100% of his focus and I feel like I am alone most of the time and on the sidelines. Before we met and got close, he told me that he was amicable with her mom and things were good, but it has been nothing but drama. I don't have kids and I don't know how common any of this is, but he is so preoccupied by his daughters issues, he would even check her gps location constantly on our first dates. He just doesn't seem to have much room for a relationship. For the first year I would only see him every 6 weeks since he spent his time off with her and I wasn't allowed over at his place since he didn't want to upset her. We lived a few hours apart, so it wasn't that easy. Her issues have completely taken over to the point where I have spent all holidays, birthdays alone, and all of the important things in my life I have dealt with on my own. He just says "you don't have kids or you'd understand". I do know he is very worried about her and he has good reason to be, however he enables her a lot as well. I suggested counselling numerous times but apparently he doesn't believe in it. 

I just see some poor parenting and it makes me think it might make him a bad long term partner and then I get cold feet. Because of the distance between us, I am feeling like it's confusing to me as well since the times we are together are so good but I am not seeing the full reality. 

I broke up with him because I didn't want to waste time after he then said marriage was not for him and then he said after the fight "I was going to do everything for you, I would marry my person etc", so I kind of clung onto that and tried to patch things up. He blamed me for the breakup and said I broke the trust in the relationship. He then used this every time I would try to talk about anything. This cycle continues to repeat where I feel like I am not much of a part of his life and I think well if we are committed and there is a future then it's worth it, but we will have a falling out because more plans are cancelled and he can't talk about how a future might look and I get cold feet because I feel nothing will get better and I break up with him and then I miss him and get back together. He told me that he wasn't sure if he loved me after the first breakup and he hasn't done anything to reassure me after this, so I think I am standing up for myself and break it off and then he says it's my fault we have these issues since I am creating an unstable relationship.

I really wanted him to come to see me since my mom is dying and we were rushed to the hospital. I was really depressed I told him but he said he cannot since he wants to keep an eye on his daughter right now. She does have a mom and step dad as well and I felt that he should make me a priority for once. I told him that I wouldn't forgive him this time if he wasn't there for me and he said that he could not be because he was going to have a dinner where he was inviting his daughters friends parents over to talk her out of dating a guy he doesn't think is good for her. It's just that these issues are ongoing and there seems to be no room for me, but even worse no consideration about how it makes me feel. Her issues are daily and I don't want to be insensitive but shouldn't there be some balance?

I live near where he works and he was staying over when he would come into town for work, but it just feels like I am being taken advantage of at this point. I am not sure what to do or if I am being unrealistic because I don't have children. He says I am the toxic one because I have a pattern and I keep ending it and coming back, but what other option do I have if someone refuses to even talk about meeting my needs? Is it me that is causing the instability like he says? I feel like it is a carrot on a string.

[FredEire]

I only had to read the first couple of lines of your post. If you're in a situation where you keep breaking up and getting back together, it's time to end it for good painful as it might be.

You go on to list a number of other good reasons why youre not suitable for eachother. There doesn't seem to be anything really that could make this relationship a healthy one.

[ShyViolet]

It's kind of unbelievable to me that you have stayed with him this long.  This relationship is completely dead.... it doesn't even sound like it has any redeeming qualities.  Is this even really a question?  He makes it as clear as can be that you are not a priority to him at all.  He doesn't even seem to act like he cares about you.  Why on earth would you waste any more time with this guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

This doesn't sound like it's ever been much of a relationship. 

He doesnt't make space in his life for you. While I have no doubt he is worried about his daughter, it also seems to me that he uses that as an excuse to keep you at arm's length because he doesn't want to get any closer to you. 

8 hours ago, Luna6 said:

He says I am the toxic one because I have a pattern and I keep ending it and coming back, but what other option do I have if someone refuses to even talk about meeting my needs?

Break up and stay broken up. It's obviously never really worked and it's clearly not going to. 

Why have you stuck around for so long in this quasi-relationship? I can't imagine tolerating this nonsense for so long. You need to get honest with youself about why you have, or you will likely find yourself in some other non-relationship in the future. 

[Acacia98]

OP, the way you describe the back and forth between you makes it seem like you have to be in this relationship. But you don't. So why on earth are you still there? Don't you value your time and your peace of mind? Don't you love yourself? What exactly is it about you and your life that is making you stay in a non-relationship? Nothing that this man has told you would convince an ordinary person that they had to continue in a train wreck of a relationship. So what's the real reason for your continued stay there?

[Luna6]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, the way you describe the back and forth between you makes it seem like you have to be in this relationship. But you don't. So why on earth are you still there? Don't you value your time and your peace of mind? Don't you love yourself? What exactly is it about you and your life that is making you stay in a non-relationship? Nothing that this man has told you would convince an ordinary person that they had to continue in a train wreck of a relationship. So what's the real reason for your continued stay there?

Thank you, that is a good question. I wondered if it is possible that I have been gaslit a bit? I think because I am not a parent and I have never dated one, I am unsure if this is normal. There are a few things that make it hard to tell as well like his job and the long distance bit. He has me convinced that "I broke the relationship" because I am hot and cold about it and that it is my fault. It wasn't good of me to breakup and get back a few times so I guess I walked right into it?

[Sanch62]

12 hours ago, Luna6 said:

... it makes me think it might make him a bad long term partner

Long-term? He's not even a good short-term partner, have you noticed?

You've been deluding yourself every time you've gone back to him. I'm not sure if you're in or out at this moment, but I would have been done with this guy a long time ago. He's been using your place as a hotel when he has business in town, and you've been depriving yourself of finding a good man who really loves you just to hold that spot open for this guy? He doesn't love you, he doesn't appreciate you, and then he blames you for that and shuts you down. What's in that for you?

It sounds as though you don't believe you're capable of finding better, so you're settling for scraps. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you will consider help to learn how to love yourself more and trust that the right man will love you, too.