Anyone6676 Posted November 6 Posted November 6 Hi everyone, I would really like some outsider opinions on something me (30m) and my wife (28f) are currently dealing with? So here's the thing: My wife and I have been together for 10 years and have been married for the last 2 of those. About a month ago, I transferred to a branch of the company I work for closer to my home. Before this I worked at a branch further away. I've worked there for almost 3 years. Me and a some other coworkers around my age became friends in this period. Me and one of the female coworkers also started chatting on whatsapp. It has been a continuous conversation for a while now. It's not daily though. A lot of times it's 3 or 4 days in between messages. The way we talk is we just respond to each others individual messages. Although we talk, this conversation is completely friendly. It's just mostly about (or our mutual resentment for) our employer and just talking about the weekend and series/movies sorta stuff. She also started in a new position, so I'm asking how that is going for her. Northing flirty going on. Lately my wife has been saying that she doesn't like that we have this continuous conversation and it makes her feel bad. She finds it weird that we talk this way, because she and I don't talk like this to other people. I've told her that it really depends on the person you're talking to, but this doesn't satisfy her. Now she is saying things like: "so if I start talking to some random guy, you would be okay with it". I've told her this is not a fair comparison, because I've known this coworker for almost three years now. It's not some random woman from the street. I've also asked if she wanted to see the messages too see that there is nothing weird going on there. She doesn't want that. She says it's okay for me to talk to her, but she wants me too talk to her less, or at least don't have this continuous conversation. She asks me why I feel "the urge to have this continuous conversation, instead of making sure she feels comfortable." I'm a bit at a loss as of what to do in this situation. I feel a bit backed into a corner that I cannot get out of. On one end I ofcourse want my wife to don't feel bad about this, but I also don't want to seem like an uninterested friend that just doesn't respond to things anymore to make the conversation end faster. I'm really just looking for anyone's honest opinion on this situation. What would any of you do? Thanks for reading
Gebidozo Posted November 7 Posted November 7 4 hours ago, Anyone6676 said: What would any of you do? Well, personally, I would walk away from a partner exhibiting such a jealous, controlling behavior. Asking you to handle your private conversations in a way that suits her is a bit of an outrageous demand. Nobody is entitled to monitor their partner’s interactions with other people like that. Has your wife ever acted like that before? Or is this controlling behavior a new thing?
Sanch62 Posted November 7 Posted November 7 Since she's a work colleague, I'd limit those conversations to work time. This resolves everything, because wife has no influence over your work correspondence, and your colleague can wait until next morning for a response if she messages after hours. Plenty of people compartmentalize their work and home life this way, so it needn't be a big deal. Since you're willing to be transparent with the content of these messages, moving them to work time is a reasonable solution. 1
Gebidozo Posted November 8 Posted November 8 4 hours ago, Sanch62 said: Since she's a work colleague, I'd limit those conversations to work time. This resolves everything, because wife has no influence over your work correspondence, and your colleague can wait until next morning for a response if she messages after hours. Plenty of people compartmentalize their work and home life this way, so it needn't be a big deal. Since you're willing to be transparent with the content of these messages, moving them to work time is a reasonable solution. I’m sure that OP could do it, but that doesn’t change the fact that his wife is being controlling. He isn’t doing anything inappropriate and it’s not okay to tell him who he can talk to, how, and when. The messages aren’t the problem, his wife’s behavior is. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8 Posted November 8 OP, how are things in your marriage otherwise? Do you and your wife still spent quality time together? Do you chat the same way when apart? I am wondering if there are some other issues in your relationship that are triggering your wife's discomfort here, as such things rarely happen in a vacuum.
Sanch62 Posted November 8 Posted November 8 6 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I’m sure that OP could do it, but that doesn’t change the fact that his wife is being controlling. He isn’t doing anything inappropriate and it’s not okay to tell him who he can talk to, how, and when. The messages aren’t the problem, his wife’s behavior is. He used the word 'continuous' a lot, so I took from that a scenario that would really P me off. If I'd sat down to dinner with my husband, especially if I'd cooked the meal, yet he barely looked up from his phone. He's typing, and he's typing, and he's giggling, and he's typing... Uhm... I'd ask why now, and probably some of the same questions she asked. She didn't snoop, she didn't want to see what was being said, she objected to the intrusion on her time with her husband. Maybe later she asked why she had to ask yet again because he was too dense to be polite, put the thing away, and be present with his wife at the table...? I dunno. You can call that controlling, but to me, it's a self-respecting objection to rudeness.
Recommended Posts