Severely afraid of intimacy and dating at 30 years old.

[InnermostDarkness]

Hi everyone, first-time poster here. This will absolutely be a long read, but I’d genuinely appreciate any advice on how to work through this issue—if that’s even possible at this point. As a side note, I’ve tried therapy but found it unsuccessful, although I will reconsider it. 

I’m struggling deeply with intimacy, sex, and dating. Over the years the problem has only grown stronger and more debilitating, and turning 30 has made it hit me like a ton of bricks.

A bit of background: I’m a 30-year-old man and have never had sex, never had a kiss or anything slightly “romantic”. I’ve been on only three dates in my life, none of which developed into anything at all. I’m an only child raised primarily by my mother, though my father has remained involved. My relationship with my mom has been rocky, as she has ADHD and multiple personality disorder. Growing up, I spent most of my time alone and learned to create my own fun - whether it be music, video games, or just playing outside. I’ve always had a small, very close group of male friends—almost like brothers—but I never really formed friendships with women. Even in college I mostly just stuck by them - I went to parties and chatted with women but nothing ever formed at all. 

I’ve never been in a relationship— not even close. I’ve always wanted one, yet at the same time, I’ve been terrified of the vulnerability and commitment it requires. The second things get somewhat serious I basically just self-sabotage everything or purposely and gradually fade out.

At this stage, I’ve become highly protective of my independence and have grown comfortable, perhaps too comfortable, in my routines. Still, part of me longs for connection and feels stuck between fear and desire. I have no idea how to get around this. It’s so deeply engraved in me at this point. 

To make matters worse, I am so deeply terrified of sex and intimacy that it gives me horrific panic attacks, and I’m not an anxious guy. The biggest fear I have is unwanted pregnancy. I feel the only way for me to have sex is to essentially load up on an entire arsenal of contraceptions, which sounds absurd and ridiculous. 

Like I’ve said before, I’ve built a very stable life for myself and all it takes is one condom malfunctioning to permanently alter my life. The thought of that alone makes me never want to engage in a relationship at all, although I so deeply desire it. Marriage terrifies me,  and having kids absolutely terrifies me. And nothing in my life comes close to those fears. 

I was talking to a girl for nearly a month and a half and despite meeting up with her (she wanted sex, it became obvious as the conversation(s) blossomed), I still didn’t feel comfortable and backed out last minute as I didn’t want to end up making mistake. 

This entire situation feels absolutely hopeless. I have used dating apps and I do get likes and matches,  but a lot of the time I’d be too afraid to continue the conversation(s) in general.  I did go to therapy but the majority of the sessions felt more like a soundboard without any actual solutions and nothing else. 

What can/do I do? 
 

[FredEire]

52 minutes ago, InnermostDarkness said:

Hi everyone, first-time poster here. This will absolutely be a long read, but I’d genuinely appreciate any advice on how to work through this issue—if that’s even possible at this point. As a side note, I’ve tried therapy but found it unsuccessful, although I will reconsider it. 

I’m struggling deeply with intimacy, sex, and dating. Over the years the problem has only grown stronger and more debilitating, and turning 30 has made it hit me like a ton of bricks.

A bit of background: I’m a 30-year-old man and have never had sex, never had a kiss or anything slightly “romantic”. I’ve been on only three dates in my life, none of which developed into anything at all. I’m an only child raised primarily by my mother, though my father has remained involved. My relationship with my mom has been rocky, as she has ADHD and multiple personality disorder. Growing up, I spent most of my time alone and learned to create my own fun - whether it be music, video games, or just playing outside. I’ve always had a small, very close group of male friends—almost like brothers—but I never really formed friendships with women. Even in college I mostly just stuck by them - I went to parties and chatted with women but nothing ever formed at all. 

I’ve never been in a relationship— not even close. I’ve always wanted one, yet at the same time, I’ve been terrified of the vulnerability and commitment it requires. The second things get somewhat serious I basically just self-sabotage everything or purposely and gradually fade out.

At this stage, I’ve become highly protective of my independence and have grown comfortable, perhaps too comfortable, in my routines. Still, part of me longs for connection and feels stuck between fear and desire. I have no idea how to get around this. It’s so deeply engraved in me at this point. 

To make matters worse, I am so deeply terrified of sex and intimacy that it gives me horrific panic attacks, and I’m not an anxious guy. The biggest fear I have is unwanted pregnancy. I feel the only way for me to have sex is to essentially load up on an entire arsenal of contraceptions, which sounds absurd and ridiculous. 

Like I’ve said before, I’ve built a very stable life for myself and all it takes is one condom malfunctioning to permanently alter my life. The thought of that alone makes me never want to engage in a relationship at all, although I so deeply desire it. Marriage terrifies me,  and having kids absolutely terrifies me. And nothing in my life comes close to those fears. 

I was talking to a girl for nearly a month and a half and despite meeting up with her (she wanted sex, it became obvious as the conversation(s) blossomed), I still didn’t feel comfortable and backed out last minute as I didn’t want to end up making mistake. 

This entire situation feels absolutely hopeless. I have used dating apps and I do get likes and matches,  but a lot of the time I’d be too afraid to continue the conversation(s) in general.  I did go to therapy but the majority of the sessions felt more like a soundboard without any actual solutions and nothing else. 

What can/do I do? 
 

Well there seems to be a whole lot to unpack for you that really only a trained therapist can do properly.

But from my own experiences it seems like what you are struggling with is managing unhealed wounds through a sense of control.

Something in you believes that if you can manage your life in a certain way, even if it has shades of OCD and self-destruction, no pain will get in and you'll be safe.

And it works, kind of, the problem is that to gain that sense of control the price you pay is your life. As Bill Hicks said life is a ride. Its a roller coaster that takes you where it will, some of its wonderful and some of its so terrible you dont want to continue any more. But your choice now is to stay "safe" on the ground looking up at all the other people on the ride, or to say fck it and buy a ticket, give up your control and see where the ride takes you.

[Sanch62]

Somewhere you picked up that trying sex is as dangerous as trying heroin, and that's too deep to shake off from advice on a message board. I'd reconsider therapy and research working with a 'somatic' practitioner who deals with the mind-body connection.

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Somewhere you picked up that trying sex is as dangerous as trying heroin, and that's too deep to shake off from advice on a message board. I'd reconsider therapy and research working with a 'somatic' practitioner who deals with the mind-body connection.

Yep, sex is obviously tied in with some deeper fear for you, probably around emotional intimacy but I dont want to speculate too much because I'm no expert. A therapist can help you sit with that fear, acknowledge it and process it.

I was a somewhat late bloomer as well, I only lost my virginity at 21. And after that while I was sexually active I had performance issues for several years until a therapist helped me connect with my fears and one day it just stopped happening. It is definitely doable and not too late if you have the will to try.

[smackie9]

You have anxiety, and other personality disorders from what I have read in your post....I can truly see why you struggle. BUT basically all we are here is a sounding board too, and nonprofessional at that. Regular talk therapy will not work for you or anyone in your situation. Behavioural therapy, and sex therapy is what you could take you in the right direction.

[ShyViolet]

Your mental health is not in a stable enough place for you to attempt dating right now.  You really need some more intensive mental health care and a proper diagnosis of what's going on with you.  You haven't had the right therapists.  I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist.