Dating Apps need to find a better way to more accurately tell users who is actually active on these sites

[Sony12]

Still don't have a real difficult time these days of finding women to talk to on apps as long as I put some effort in myself (which I honestly don't find myself doing quite as much anymore).

One of the things that I definitely am finding to occur more and more frequently on apps is you send a message to a lady who is a subscriber and has that little filled in green circle next to their name (which according to the site indicates that they have currently been on the site within the past fifteen minutes or so). Send them a message and then about half the time these days the person never even reads the message. And they aren't looking at my profile either because you can tell if they have done that as well.

My guess is that many people these days have their dating apps connected to the other apps they use such as Facebook and what not so there isn't a real good way to tell if they are actually on the dating app or not.

Generally the type of dating that I do it's better for it to be with women who aren't connected to my regular life. Dated a lady from my work for awhile who asked me out and treated her similarly to the way I treat ladies on these sites (which in hindsight I probably shouldn't have done) and she ended up quitting. I wasn't the sole reason why she quit but probably was a contributing factor. So with the type of dating I do the dating apps work well for me yet I am really starting to feel like they are a little outdated these days as far as the tech goes.

Would be great for them to give you a better idea of who is actually active on the site so you aren't finding your messages still unread from subscribers (who were supposedly active on the site at the the time you sent the message to them) up to a week later or more.

[FredEire]

I think the dating apps are screwed up and have been for a while. I used to use them with a fair amount of matches and dates, but deleted them recently because said matches and dates went to zero and there just didnt seem to be any point.

I've met several people saying the same thing, and even others who signed up for subscriptions since they figured it was "pay to play", but it turned out to not be much different.

I've noticed as well the enormous amount of bots and scams now, especially on Tinder but also on Bumble. For me it just adds to the weirdness and unenjoyability of using the apps. I think there's increasing shift away from them to meeting people the more traditional way.

[FredEire]

Just now, AlinaHu said:

I haven't tried dating apps because I've been too busy with work to deal with relationships. What kind of apps do you know? I think I'll give it a try regardless of the outcome, because I believe brave people enjoy the world first.

 

The main 3 people use are Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. Hinge and Bumble seem to be most popular now, Tinder is a bit outdated. But as I said Im not hearing very many positive experience stories in general now.

[Sony12]

14 minutes ago, FredEire said:

.

I mainly use Match because it still has the traditional search engine and not the swipe left or right model. Swiping works well if you are mainly interested in dating people your own age. But for people who like or are at least open to age gap dating swiping doesn't work real well because you are reliant on them sending you potential people to talk to and probably 95% of the profiles they send to you are people within just a few years of you.

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Dated a lady from my work for awhile who asked me out and treated her similarly to the way I treat ladies on these sites (which in hindsight I probably shouldn't have done) and she ended up quitting.

Geez, Sony! What does this mean--what happened?

I think you're right. The sites probably adopted that model to appear more active than they actually are.

[FredEire]

49 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I mainly use Match because it still has the traditional search engine and not the swipe left or right model. Swiping works well if you are mainly interested in dating people your own age. But for people who like or are at least open to age gap dating swiping doesn't work real well because you are reliant on them sending you potential people to talk to and probably 95% of the profiles they send to you are people within just a few years of you.

Right, well its gamified and economised dating in a way I dont think works for the vast majority of people.

Certainly in your case it wouldn't make much sense.

[Sony12]

46 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Geez, Sony! What does this mean--what happened?

I think you're right. The sites probably adopted that model to appear more active than they actually are.

Not anything that was that big of a deal. She had taken a liking to me and she eventually asked if I'd like to go do something if I didn't currently have a girlfriend. We did and had sex on our first date and our proceeding meetings were very sexually driven. She was hoping that it would turn into a little more than just that though whereas I was perfectly fine with our current dating situation we had. We started arguing.....I didn't like how she was constantly calling and texting me while she started feeling like she was just being used for sex. She eventually left the workplace. While I wasn't the only reason she left but I am sure I was a contributing factor. She did invite me over to her place one time after she had left though so she wasn't that bitter towards me........at that point. Was though when I finally called things off for good.

[Els]

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

She had taken a liking to me and she eventually asked if I'd like to go do something if I didn't currently have a girlfriend. We did and had sex on our first date and our proceeding meetings were very sexually driven. She was hoping that it would turn into a little more than just that though whereas I was perfectly fine with our current dating situation we had. We started arguing.....I didn't like how she was constantly calling and texting me while she started feeling like she was just being used for sex.

Did you explicitly tell her at the start that you weren't looking for a relationship and you only wanted casual sex? If you did, that's on her. If you didn't, that's on you I'm afraid.

As to your main question... For the things you are specifically looking for (older ladies with a fetish for giving oral, if I understand correctly?), I feel like Fetlife might be right up your alley.

[smackie9]

If it were me, I would sign up for different sites, message a bunch of people (copy paste) and see what sticks. 

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Els said:

Did you explicitly tell her at the start that you weren't looking for a relationship and you only wanted casual sex? If you did, that's on her. If you didn't, that's on you I'm afraid.

As to your main question... For the things you are specifically looking for (older ladies with a fetish for giving oral, if I understand correctly?), I feel like Fetlife might be right up your alley.

No I didn't and looking back on it I should have. In the beginning we just agreed to do something together outside of the office (it just so happened that that ended up involving sex).It wasn't until we had had sex about four times that she seemed to start getting upset about it.

 

Edited November 6 by Sony12

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, Els said:

 

As to your main question... For the things you are specifically looking for (older ladies with a fetish for giving oral, if I understand correctly?), I feel like Fetlife might be right up your alley.

I have honestly found the more popular and well known sites are generally a better route to take then those more obscure sites that are tailored to a specific interest. Fetish sites like that have hardly anyone on them and fake profiles are far more widespread there.

And I'm not sure women who enjoy giving oral to good looking younger men and younger men who enjoy having older women do that to them is technically a fetish. Is it?

Edited November 6 by Sony12

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, Sony12 said:

And I'm not sure women who enjoy giving oral to good looking younger men and younger men who enjoy having older women do that to them is technically a fetish. Is it?

I guess it depends on the age gap, a few years may not qualify, but if you're scouting nursing homes looking for action I think that's definitely a fetish. 

[Sony12]

56 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I guess it depends on the age gap, a few years may not qualify, but if you're scouting nursing homes looking for action I think that's definitely a fetish. 

Lol oh no nothing like nursing homes. What it generally ends up being are women who are still in relatively good shape on the surface who still want to live active lifestyles. They are becoming interested in younger men because the men their own age are starting to have E.D. issues and no longer really want to be as active as she wants to be any longer.

Oral sex is probably the most common sex act outside of actual intercourse so I'm not sure people who are into fetishes would really consider it one.

In my experience older woman/younger man encounters are often about the woman treating the guy like a sex object.

[Els]

20 hours ago, Sony12 said:

No I didn't and looking back on it I should have. In the beginning we just agreed to do something together outside of the office (it just so happened that that ended up involving sex).It wasn't until we had had sex about four times that she seemed to start getting upset about it.

Yeah you definitely want to talk about expectations ahead of time IMO, not everyone is into casual sex so you need to be sure that you're both aligned on where things are going.

19 hours ago, Sony12 said:

I have honestly found the more popular and well known sites are generally a better route to take then those more obscure sites that are tailored to a specific interest. Fetish sites like that have hardly anyone on them and fake profiles are far more widespread there.

And I'm not sure women who enjoy giving oral to good looking younger men and younger men who enjoy having older women do that to them is technically a fetish. Is it?

Fetlife has 200K+ monthly active users in the US alone. And yes, if you're looking for a much older woman to give you oral for over an hour each time, that definitely does count as a kink/fetish IMO.  

That being said, I mostly suggested it because people there are usually not looking for relationships in the conventional sense, and also the culture is that they're very open to discussing kinks and expectations in advance.

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, Els said:

... I mostly suggested it because people there are usually not looking for relationships in the conventional sense, and also the culture is that they're very open to discussing kinks and expectations in advance.

Good call. Sony, maybe people from this site can teach you how to easily discuss expectations so that when you date outside of such a pragmatic situation, you can comfortably screen potential sex partners for any ideas they might hold of becoming a relationship partner?

That's a nice tool for your belt.

Meanwhile, enjOy.

[Sony12]

18 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Good call. Sony, maybe people from this site can teach you how to easily discuss expectations so that when you date outside of such a pragmatic situation, you can comfortably screen potential sex partners for any ideas they might hold of becoming a relationship partner?

That's a nice tool for your belt.

Meanwhile, enjOy.

 

Maybe so. I do however think that people at times in these situations intentionally play the victim card when they recognize things are winding down or that the other person is trying to pull away. Not so much because they have been taken off guard by the direction the relationship has taken but more that they recognize the other person is losing interest.

Most of the time it's extremely obvious what these situations are even without laying things out clearly on the table. When you are meeting and immediately going to the bedroom without going on a 'proper' date beforehand. And the times you do actually try to go to a movie together she spends the entire movie sitting in the back of the theater with the guys pants buttons undone and her hand down the front of his pants stimulating him....... essentially turning even a theater going experience into a sexual situation (yss we made sure we were sitting in an area of the theater where no one was around us).

I remember the first communication I had with her after she quit the job I asked her if having a young good looking guy come over and take his clothes off for her would make her feel better. She responded by saying a percent yes. We initially made plans for me to come over but when she wouldn't stop messaging me even after I told her I needed to stop talking for the night and would see her the night we scheduled for I decided to call the date off. She went on to call me again during the time I was supposed to be over at her place and that was the last time we ever talked.

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, Sony12 said:

 

Maybe so. I do however think that people at times in these situations intentionally play the victim card when they recognize things are winding down or that the other person is trying to pull away. Not so much because they have been taken off guard by the direction the relationship has taken but more that they recognize the other person is losing interest.

Most of the time it's extremely obvious what these situations are even without laying things out clearly on the table. When you are meeting and immediately going to the bedroom without going on a 'proper' date beforehand. And the times you do actually try to go to a movie together she spends the entire movie sitting in the back of the theater with the guys pants buttons undone and her hand down the front of his pants stimulating him....... essentially turning even a theater going experience into a sexual situation (yss we made sure we were sitting in an area of the theater where no one was around us).

I remember the first communication I had with her after she quit the job I asked her if having a young good looking guy come over and take his clothes off for her would make her feel better. She responded by saying a percent yes. We initially made plans for me to come over but when she wouldn't stop messaging me even after I told her I needed to stop talking for the night and would see her the night we scheduled for I decided to call the date off. She went on to call me again during the time I was supposed to be over at her place and that was the last time we ever talked.

I hear. You've made a great case for why it's advantageous to discuss expectations at the outset. If you don't want to do that because it could mean you'd be out the sex with some women, then fine--you're deliberately trading that priority for potentially messy outcomes at the end. It's your call, but as you've learned, wanting it both ways doesn't mean you'll get it.

[Els]

On 11/9/2025 at 12:12 AM, Sony12 said:

Most of the time it's extremely obvious what these situations are even without laying things out clearly on the table.

Why are you so against laying things out clearly on the table, though? We could fill this place with 5 pages of discussion on whether or not they "should" realize that sex without a date means there is no chance of a relationship... But at the end of the day the solution is as simple as literally saying one sentence: "I'm not looking for a relationship or anything serious". Done.

I don't understand why you would purposely make things harder on yourself and the person you are with by avoiding that statement. Is it because you think they won't have sex with you if you say that? 

[basil67]

On 11/9/2025 at 1:12 AM, Sony12 said:

Most of the time it's extremely obvious what these situations are even without laying things out clearly on the table. When you are meeting and immediately going to the bedroom without going on a 'proper' date beforehand.

I know quite a number of people who have married/have a long term partnership after starting out like this (myself included).  So I would disagree that it's "extremely obvious" that a relationship will not be happening. 

If you just want a hookup without drama, be upfront about your intentions.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I know quite a number of people who have married/have a long term partnership after starting out like this (myself included).  So I would disagree that it's "extremely obvious" that a relationship will not be happening. 

If you just want a hookup without drama, be upfront about your intentions.

I agree with this. I dont think you have to expressly state that you want a relationship at the very beginning, but it is better to state you want something casual.

[Gebidozo]

When your intentions are very clear, they should be disclosed.

If you knew for sure that no relationship would develop from that sexual connection, you definitely should have told her that.

A relationship, even a lifelong one, can develop from anything and is never off the table unless at least one of the people in question emphatically doesn’t want it.

It is not at all unreasonable or strange  to want to upgrade casual hookups to a relationship status.

[Sony12]

Lol well I guess I found out where everyone was and why match seems so lacking in activity as of late.

I started a Facebook dating account here this past week and after only being on there for about three days I already have about twenty women in my conversation list and have agreed to dates with about four different women.

It's odd. You would think that when people are paying for a subscription they would put more effort into it but it almost seems like the opposite. Back when I was doing other free sites like POF people would often respond within minutes and you could get a phone number in just about thirty minutes or less of just being matched with someone. And it's the same on Facebook dating. 

One thing though is that Match does have a higher quality of users though then the free sites do though. Not talking about if they are looking for just sex or an actual relationship but more about the status they have in life. For instance on Match I met up with a lady who was a judge and a lady who had a seat in the House of Representatives.......still occasionally get together with her. On free sites you generally don't see people in positions like that.