Girlfriend's male friend is a third in our relationship

[celloplayer1999]

Hey. Not sure how to start this but I suppose venting will do (and make me feel a bit better already).

My girlfriend and I (24 and 25 respectively) are high school sweethearts. We started dating when we were 16 and 17 and have been living together, with a dog, for about two years, now. About a year ago,  my girlfriend reconnected with S, a friend from her teenager years she kind of grew apart with. What I should mention here is, they hooked up once or twice back then. Long story. If knowing how this happened adds context I’m open to explaining it. BUT, since she started bringing him to our apartment immediately and I met him early on, I can confirm, he is gay. He is open about relationships he has had and currently has a BF; in short, not kind that is still in the closet for some reason. To be completely fair, I was glad he made that clear from the get-go, as my girlfriend and I have had some misunderstandings re: friends of the opposite sex, and established some boundaries surrounding this topic. It’s never been a real issue, but still, a guy worries.  

I don’t know why I ramble on about S being gay because that is not the real worry here. I suppose I felt the need to establish that because I can already hear some people’s comments (it’s an affair! They’re having an affair!). The actual issue is that S is..… pervasive? Aside from the excessive hanging out with my girlfriend, he has kind of become an extra presence in our relationship. It started with very small “jokey” things. Him jokingly saying he “told my girlfriend how to train men” since he is a guy. Him mentioning arguments we’d had and telling me to do this or that to make my girlfriend feel better about it. I told him it was our relationship, and that I’ll handle issues as I see fit; “I just want to help. I know GF pretty well. And I know what she likes.” I told my girlfriend not to pass everything to S, and she agreed not to, but, even though the weird unsolicited advice did stop, I think she does still tell him a lot.

We got a dog together. I wanted a small dog.  Girlfriend was fine with it until, over dinner with a couple of friends, S said he thinks “little dogs are anxiety with hair“ and that ”girlfriend seems like a big dog person“. She started sending me listings for golden retrievers and akitas maybe three days after. We ended up getting a medium-sized dog, which is fine, it’s worked out all right, but it felt like what was supposed to be our decision became a group decision instead. There’s a s*** ton of other examples I could write down. Things have changed in our apartment (furniture), date nights have gone from casual nights in to restaurant dates (low to high effort AND price tag). Girlfriend herself has sort of changed, too. Not gonna lie, she HAS gotten five times hotter (she was hot before, don’t get me wrong), but it has been strange to see her all expensively dressed, done up like some kind of model. I’m not mad about this change or her confidence, what gets me is that it all has to do with S. He works out with her, has gotten her to eat healthier (which she tries to get me to do, too), goes shopping with her. To be super crude about it, she’ll come back with the hottest little red dress, and then she’ll say ”oooh, pretty, right! S picked this out for me!“ and I’ll immediately go limp.

We’ve had conversations about S. I told her straight up I think he’s a smarmy little rat (LOL) which she agreed with, but “he’s a really charming and stylish one who’s a lot of fun”. I went on to say I think he should take a step back and stop acting like he’s some authority on our relationship. She just didn’t take me seriously. She said I didn’t have to worry about him, that “he’s gay” and he’s no threat. I told her it wasn’t about me feeling threatened. It’s about me being exhausted because we can’t do anything without S somehow slipping in (even from a distance).  We agreed she would be less of a blabbermouth to S but I don’t get the sense anything has changed.

So I don’t know if posing an ultimatum of sorts is appropriate here because I don’t want to come across as unfair or controlling, but I know something has to change if we want to go on together. And I do. Just have no clue how to go about bringing it up again.

Advice is welcome! And questions for context or background are welcome, too.

[Sony12]

One thing you need to remember here is that you are bf and gf and not husband and wife. You two still haven't chosen to commit to each other completely. As far as her spending money on things to look nicer it is honestly her choice. And if she is paying for those things with her own money then there honestly is nothing you have the right to do about it other than just say 'you know what this isn't working for me anymore and I think it's time for you two to get separate homes.

As far as the friend lots of women like having male friends who are gay because they can get some male attention without having to worry about getting hit on and it potentially turning into a sexual situation. For those reasons she probably in some ways feels closer to him than she does to you.

Let me ask you this If the two of you broke up and moved apart who would take care of the dog? Would one of you take it or would neither of you.

That's honestly the biggest issue I see here is the dog. Boyfriends and girlfriends break up all the time and it's honestly not a huge deal because they never officially decided to tie the knot. But you two officially decided to get a dog together who is a 100% reliant on your care and in treating them well. 

As far as your relationship goes it might be time to end it. She isn't doing anything wrong other than having her own friends and buying nice things (again I assume with her own money) And if you do break up and neither of you wants the dog make sure it finds a nice home with people who will want it.

Edited 11 hours ago by Sony12

[celloplayer1999]

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

And if she is paying for those things with her own money then there honestly is nothing you have the right to do about it other than just say 'you know what this isn't working for me anymore and I think it's time for you two to get separate homes.

She does pay for most herself. Some are bought for her by S. I prefer spending money on experiences as opposed to items... which she is fine with, she says. As I stated I don't mind this change a whole lot. I'm glad she seems to be finding herself and feeling more comfortable in her own body. She was very insecure and had a disorder for some time related to eating, but it seems like her relationship with food has improved. The one tiny issue with this is her trying to persuade me into the same lifestyle, I'd say. She's not forcible about it, not by any means, but meal plans and stuff - not for me. At all.

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

As far as your relationship goes it might be time to end it. She isn't doing anything wrong other than having her own friends and buying nice things (again I assume with her own money) And if you do break up and neither of you wants the dog make sure it finds a nice home with people who will want it.

You don't see any issue with S's behavior? Honestly, I don't want to end things with her. We have a good relationship going and I see myself proposing to her if this weird phase with S she is going through, ends, or is resolved. I would even consider forms of therapy, or counselling. If necessary. I didn't think this would be the response at all. 

[Sony12]

If she is buying those things with her own money or with her friends money then there is nothing you have the right to do about it.

She is free to have her own friends. You are free to say if you want to be apart of the relationship any longer. When you are just a boyfriend and not a husband you don't really have a lot of say on how she acts. If she was living off of you that is a different story but apparently she has her own money. 

Pretty much the only way you have is if you want to be apart of the relationship any longer. If you do then she should be allowed to have her own friends.

[MsJayne]

This would really get up my nose. It’s good to have a friend who motivates her to be a “better her” but not if it’s changing who she is, and there’s definitely three of you in the relationship with an element of controlling behaviour on his part. He’s treating your gf like a renovation project, and he probably has the best of intentions but it’s no different to her having an overbearing female friend, it’s exhausting. Your GF needs to understand your relationship should be private and what she’s doing is eroding your bond. S needs to mind his own business and stop being a meddler. This actually sounds like triangulation, maybe look up that term if you’re not familiar with it, and if this is what she’s doing you should think hard about the long term ramifications of her friendship with this guy. To me he sounds toxic because he’s refusing to respect the sanctity of your relationship. Do you want him telling you how to propose to her, organising your wedding, checking in with her every day of your honeymoon, decorating your new home, telling you where you’re going wrong raising yours kids………? He needs to go.