Is this grief or something else?

[livingalife2009]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. His adult son passed away suddenly a little less than 2 years ago. He also got a divorce right around the same time and 3 months ago he bought a house that he's been remodeling every minute he has after he's done with his 9-5 job. This man showed up perfectly the 1st 5 months of our relationship. (before he bought his house) On our 6th month we went on a trip together, it was perfect. He was fully present, loving and kind. As soon as we got back from our vacation, he pulled away because he assumed I wanted him to marry me since things went so well. I made an assumption that he had lost interest, I broke up with him. A month later we got back together. 

He is showing up alright, the difference is, he has stopped helping me fix the little stuff in my house. He noticed my kitchen lights needed new lightbulbs, I asked if he would help me with that, he said, 'no'. His refusal to help with tiny tasks like that shocked me. He also didn't understand why I would call him if I had an emergency in the middle of the night. When I mentioned his lack of kindness, he said that he was just not at a place where he could give more than he already had due to his grief. He is showing signs of a dismissive avoidant attachment.

I am a loving, warm and generous person. I welcome him to my home every weekend, he spends time with my kids, eat my food and has access to all the comfort my home has to offer. He seems like a very nice and kind person, so how do I know if this is grief or if he's showing his true colors now that the honeymoon period is over. If it is grief I would like to stay and support him, if not, he must be taking me for granted.

[Sanch62]

Have you lived through a home renovation project? It can do some pretty freaky things to one's head; scheduling trades against pressures of timelines and delays of other trades, budget overages, material mistakes, disappointments with outcomes. This, on top of a regular job, can be very stressful. It also might explain why this man has no bandwidth left for household tasks during his free time, which he's reserved for enjoying you and your family.

Do you have the financial means to go to Angie's List or Task Rabbit and hire a handyman for your list of small tasks?

Nobody here can diagnose another's grief. I can only say that I don't understand the first incident that caused your breakup. When the two of you reconciled, did he make you any promises that he hasn't lived up to?

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/31/2025 at 12:51 AM, livingalife2009 said:

As soon as we got back from our vacation, he pulled away because he assumed I wanted him to marry me since things went so well.

This is strange.

Did he talk to you about this first, or did he just stop contacting you as much? What exactly happened there? I ask because I am wonderng what the context is to his current behaviour with you. It seems like it's not just about being busy with his home renovations.