Wife doesn't know how to set strong boundaries with men

[silvermeteor]

Let me [M31] preface by saying that my wife [F40] is very loyal. We are both equally very much obsessed with each other.  She is extremely beautiful with a beautiful soul to match. People tend to gravitate towards her, both men and women. However she has no desire for male friends. 

 

She's very kind and friendly so many men have taken this as an invitation to be flirty.  However, it feels very out of character for her to be "mean" and shut things down vocally before it gets too far. She operates more so on removing herself from the situation rather than saying anything.

 

There was an instance where a man she has previously worked with would constantly send explicit texts like "come sit on my face". However he would never say such in person. She would just ignore the texts without ever addressing him.

 

In another instance, a married colleague in her former role would call her baby during business calls. I have expressed to her that such things need to be shut down before it gets too far. Eventually during a photo shoot, this guy rested his hands on her butt, she quickly pivoted away from him without saying anything.

 

I'm afraid that in her new role where she has to work closely with two men, that one of them will eventually try and make a move on her. As far as we know, one of them has had a year long affair and women throw themselves at him, so I do not doubt that he will eventually try. In her previous and current role, she had very high-profile positions. So I have no clue if it is as simple as going to HR, especially being that the man who she will be working with has a role higher than hers and is public-facing.

 

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Especially being that I have a serious disdain for men who try and pursue knowingly married women. Would it ever be appropriate to confront these men at work-related social events?

 

 

Edited Thursday at 07:55 PM by silvermeteor

[S2B]

It’s not yours to manage! It’s your wife’s job to set clear boundaries from the start!

if she won’t - ask her to go to counseling.

her lack of boundaries is likely to jeopardize your marriage. She needs to learn proper responses that let any man know she isn’t serving herself up for them.

she lacks the skills to let men know with words and body language not to disrespect her. 

you should encourage her to make changes that send the proper message… especially in her work environment.

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

Would it ever be appropriate to confront these men at work-related social events?

No. Not if you expect your wife to still have her job for very long after that.

'Confront' is an aggressive word.

Quote

Wife doesn't know how to set strong boundaries with men

Does she want to learn such skills? If so, she can use the Internet or read books or hire a coach to help her with this. If not, then she's putting a boundary on that.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

Would it ever be appropriate to confront these men at work-related social events?

 

Of course not.

Unless you want to ruin your wife’s career and possibly ruin your relationship as well, please don’t interfere. It isn’t your job to educate those men how to behave with married women.

It’s also a bit strange that you appear to have already assumed that at least one of those men will make a move on your wife.

At any rate, your problem isn’t with those men, it’s with your wife. If you don’t like the way she behaves with men, you have two choices: either gently ask her to behave differently, or leave.

What exactly do you want your wife to do?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

There was an instance where a man she has previously worked with would constantly send explicit texts like "come sit on my face"

Hold on here. 

Are you saying this man would send her such texts completely out the blue? Because it seems very strange to me that there was zero lead-up to messages like that. People don't generally go from zero to sixty like that. What was the nature of their communication and work relationship? He seems to have felt awfully comfortable with her to escalate to that sort of message. 

I ask not beause I think your wife is cheating, but because I am not sure you are getting the whole strory , either. 

[silvermeteor]

13 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

No. Not if you expect your wife to still have her job for very long after that.

'Confront' is an aggressive word.

Does she want to learn such skills? If so, she can use the Internet or read books or hire a coach to help her with this. If not, then she's putting a boundary on that.

Fair enough. I can say I'm well aware of who he is when we meet. 

She is open to learning how she can be more vocal but it is very hard for her and I don't see her implenting such habits anytime soon.

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course not.

Unless you want to ruin your wife’s career and possibly ruin your relationship as well, please don’t interfere. It isn’t your job to educate those men how to behave with married women.

It’s also a bit strange that you appear to have already assumed that at least one of those men will make a move on your wife.

At any rate, your problem isn’t with those men, it’s with your wife. If you don’t like the way she behaves with men, you have two choices: either gently ask her to behave differently, or leave.

What exactly do you want your wife to do?

I'd just like for her to say something. Some men take quietness as weakness and a means to esculate even further next time.

[silvermeteor]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Hold on here. 

Are you saying this man would send her such texts completely out the blue? Because it seems very strange to me that there was zero lead-up to messages like that. People don't generally go from zero to sixty like that. What was the nature of their communication and work relationship? He seems to have felt awfully comfortable with her to escalate to that sort of message. 

I ask not beause I think your wife is cheating, but because I am not sure you are getting the whole strory , either. 

Yes her inviting personality is part of what makes her so successful - people want to be around her. But it's also harmful because it invites creeps like this.

[Els]

20 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

Would it ever be appropriate to confront these men at work-related social events?

This is a terrible idea.

Unfortunately sexual harassment at work is still a thing that happens to women, and unfortunately companies vary in how much support they offer for issues like this. Ideally your wife should be able to report these things to HR, especially with stuff like explicit texts where there is a record. That's what HR is for - this isn't something that she should be trying to handle herself. 

But we don't live in an ideal world, and in many, many companies, women who report these things are just ignored or worse, ostracized. People just make it harder and harder for them to do their job, and then eventually they either have to quit because things have become so bad, or they are made redundant.

So in your case I think you should encourage your wife to talk to HR and show them these texts, mostly because she might actually hate this behaviour from them as well, and she might just need some support to do it. But if she's willing to do it, you should also be prepared for the fact that she may lose her job and you may have to support her financially, at least temporarily. This is unfortunately the world that we live in. 

But no, in no circumstances should you EVER "confront" these men yourself, especially at a work-related event! Yikes.

 

Edited Friday at 04:05 PM by Els

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

Yes her inviting personality is part of what makes her so successful - people want to be around her. But it's also harmful because it invites creeps like this.

Was she friends with him first? How did it go from coworkers to "come sit on my face"? 

 

[Acacia98]

What does your wife have to say about all this? Does she want to play a proactive role in changing the situation, or does she think she's managing just fine?

[silvermeteor]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Was she friends with him first? How did it go from coworkers to "come sit on my face"? 

 

Not at all. The guy assisted her team in some low level capacity. As she said, he was really unattractive, so I guess he felt he had nothing to lose by going all out. He was indeed really unattractive.

Edited Saturday at 03:07 AM by silvermeteor

[silvermeteor]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

What does your wife have to say about all this? Does she want to play a proactive role in changing the situation, or does she think she's managing just fine?

She finds it annoying depending on how persistent some of these men may be. Sometimes she agrees on having to say more, other times she thinks she does just fine.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, silvermeteor said:

Not at all. The guy assisted her team in some low level capacity. As she said, he was really unattractive, so I guess he felt he had nothing to lose by going all out. He was indeed really unattractive.

How did he get her personal number, then? 

 

[Carlston]

She would "ignore the texts" from the come sit on my face dude without addressing them.

Yeah sure she ignored them. My guess is that the reason she didn't block him or report him after the first one was because she wanted more.

 

 

[silvermeteor]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How did he get her personal number, then? 

 

They were all in a group chat.

 

8 hours ago, Carlston said:

She would "ignore the texts" from the come sit on my face dude without addressing them.

Yeah sure she ignored them. My guess is that the reason she didn't block him or report him after the first one was because she wanted more.

 

 

I can assure you that's not the case.

[Acacia98]

On 11/1/2025 at 6:06 AM, silvermeteor said:

She finds it annoying depending on how persistent some of these men may be. Sometimes she agrees on having to say more, other times she thinks she does just fine.

Does she want to learn how to set stronger boundaries?

Do you know anything about her background (e.g. her childhood) that might explain her weak boundaries?

[ExpatInItaly]

I still don't think it makes much sense that she never had personal interactions beyond a group chat with this man and he was  then "constantly" texting her sexually degrading messages - and she let it continue. 

That's not being kind. That's her enabling inappropriate behaviour thay could have hurt her marriage. I realize you want to blame the men but I am not convinced that your wife is the kind, helpless soul you're portraying her as either.

You mention you and she being "obssessed" with each other and made a of mentioning that this gross man is unattractive. I can't help but think you are not very secure in this marriage and aren't quite willing to see where part of the problem actually lies. 

 

 

[silvermeteor]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Does she want to learn how to set stronger boundaries?

Do you know anything about her background (e.g. her childhood) that might explain her weak boundaries?

Yes. As a child, she has "frozen" when going through related traumas.

[silvermeteor]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I still don't think it makes much sense that she never had personal interactions beyond a group chat with this man and he was  then "constantly" texting her sexually degrading messages - and she let it continue. 

That's not being kind. That's her enabling inappropriate behaviour thay could have hurt her marriage. I realize you want to blame the men but I am not convinced that your wife is the kind, helpless soul you're portraying her as either.

You mention you and she being "obssessed" with each other and made a of mentioning that this gross man is unattractive. I can't help but think you are not very secure in this marriage and aren't quite willing to see where part of the problem actually lies. 

 

 

To be honest, I was pretty upset with both of them after she told me what happened. I stressed the same, what the hell is so hard in upright telling this man (and men in general) that what he's doing is inappropriate and he needs to stop.

 

To be honest, I'm not 100% secure. I don't trust that she'll be able to establish strong boundaries with pushy men before it gets too far.

 

She has experienced trauma as a child which probably contributes to her lack of strong set boundaries today. 

Edited Sunday at 01:15 PM by silvermeteor

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

She has experienced trauma as a child which probably contributes to her lack of strong set boundaries today. 

I don't think that has much to do with telling a coworker not to send her disgsuting texts, honestly. She didn't even have to tell him directly. She could have blocked or reported him to her employer / HR. 

5 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

what the hell is so hard in upright telling this man (and men in general) that what he's doing is inappropriate and he needs to stop.

It's not that hard. I say that as a woman who's had plenty of unwatned advances from men over the years. It doesn't even need to be dramatic. A smple "Please don't send me messages like that" is enough. 

5 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

I don't trust that she'll be able to establish strong boundaries with pushy men before it gets too far.

Do you fear she would cheat on you? 

[silvermeteor]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think that has much to do with telling a coworker not to send her disgsuting texts, honestly. She didn't even have to tell him directly. She could have blocked or reported him to her employer / HR. 

It's not that hard. I say that as a woman who's had plenty of unwatned advances from men over the years. It doesn't even need to be dramatic. A smple "Please don't send me messages like that" is enough. 

Do you fear she would cheat on you? 

It's a little complicated as he was hired to assist her team on a temporary contract. Only twice has she had very brief encounters, both times he never said or did anything unprofessional, only through texts would he get courageous.

After talking to her about it earlier, she expressed how she generally doesn't care to say or do anything unless she's being blatantly called out of her name or physically touched.

 

I don't fear she would cheat on me at all, I just fear that there will be some men who will take her kindness and somewhat silence as a means to sexually assualt her.

There was an instance where a former colleague got too comfortable and attempted to caress her back, she immediately got up and left. My thing is, something could have been said prior so that he wouldn't even feel comfortable attempting to touch her.

And to be totally honest, there is the ego in me that hates the idea that some men may think she's "up for grabs".

Edited Sunday at 08:53 PM by silvermeteor

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

she expressed how she generally doesn't care to say or do anything unless she's being blatantly called out of her name or physically touched.

Sorry, but this is equine manure. She is telling you that she doesn't mind sexually suggestive messages. 

You need to be very concerned that she operates this way. This isn't a she-doesn't-know-how-to-set-boundaries issue. She does. She just chooses not to. Key difference. 

8 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

there is the ego in me that hates the idea that some men may think she's "up for grabs".

Well, yes. That is the message she sends these men when she allows them to interact with her this way. I have to say, I'd be extremely concerned that she likes the attention, even if she doesn't like the guy in question. Some people love having a fan club. The more you write, the more it seems she is one of those people. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wamt to add OP that her refusal to put a stop to these men's inappropriate messages is incredibly disrespectful to you. 

Knowing that it bothers you should be motivation enough to tell these guys to knock it off.  Let that sink in. 

[Gebidozo]

19 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

I don't fear she would cheat on me at all, I just fear that there will be some men who will take her kindness and somewhat silence as a means to sexually assualt her.

I don’t think this has anything to do with kindness. She is a grown up person and she chooses to handle those sexually suggestive messages the way she does. If you think she could do more, you should tell her that. This has nothing to do with the men and everything to do with her.

 

19 hours ago, silvermeteor said:

And to be totally honest, there is the ego in me that hates the idea that some men may think she's "up for grabs".

You can’t prevent anyone from thinking that anyone else is “up for grabs”. Again, it’s really not about those men, it’s about your wife’s choices of dealing with them.

Edited 8 hours ago by Gebidozo

[S2B]

she likes the attention - even to the extent of disrespecting your wishes. 

Either she starts doing something to show she is shutting down the crap behavior she gets - or she agrees with it by letting it slide.