Anyone have a spouse with ADHD? How do you manage?

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling badly.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. From the beginning, she told me about her anxiety and how it can get bad. As long as she was working on it, I wasn't too bothered. When she moved in with me, things got worse. She is unable to help around the house basically at all. She forgets to do important things. Any type of sex is basically dead. Etc. Our place is in chaos and we have a young kid. We still treated it as anxiety and tried to manage the best we could, which isn't great. About 2 years ago now, it turns out she has ADHD. That makes a lot more sense.

The problem seems to me that she doesn't accept the ADHD fully and/or is trying to find solutions without her ADHD in mind. I can't tell you how many times we have tried variations of the same thing and of course they never work. We have been trying to get a cleaner to come for over a year because there is always something she needs to do before that but it never gets done. I try my hardest to do everything myself. I do all the dishes, all of our laundry, vacuuming, etc. along with being the primary parent to our kid. I can't keep up and I'm getting burned out. 

I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it. She had a dream recently that I left her because of her mental health.... I'm trying to avoid that.

[Els]

On 10/31/2025 at 1:23 AM, Anonymous said:

We have been trying to get a cleaner to come for over a year because there is always something she needs to do before that but it never gets done.

This sounds strange to me. What does she absolutely NEED to do before you get a cleaner?

[Carlston]

My wife says I have ADHD and that I tend to lose track of what I'm what was this thread about again?

[Sanch62]

The first thing I'd do is seek legal advice to learn my options in my location, along with the best steps I could take for each option. This is not the same as filing anything you're not ready for, it's just gathering facts. From there, you can operate on real information and informed advice rather than on emotions alone. 

On 10/31/2025 at 12:08 PM, Els said:

This sounds strange to me. What does she absolutely NEED to do before you get a cleaner?

Yes, that is really chaotic. I'd give wife a date that the cleaners are coming, and she has until then if she wants to store valuables or whatever, but you're not living like this anymore.

I'd also give wife the option of seeking professional help for her condition along with couples counseling for your marriage, or you will be separating.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/30/2025 at 4:23 PM, Anonymous said:

She is unable to help around the house basically at all.

Why is this? I don't see how anxiety or ADHD prohibits her from helping around the house at all. 

My father has ADHD. He's always helped my mom with housework. Now, he might leave a task unfinished for a bit as he gets distracted doing something else, then returns to whatever chore he was doing. But it has never meant he doesn't chip in at all. 

On 10/30/2025 at 4:23 PM, Anonymous said:

Any type of sex is basically dead.

I also don't see how ADHD plays a role here. 

It sounds like you two are attributing a lot of problems to her ADHD diagnosis, when really, there are likely other factors contributing to the poor state of the relationship. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Tricky one--basically you don't want to diagnose your spouse. 

So instead of saying she has ADHD, just identify what behaviors interfere with the relationship and the marriage. Stand up to her when she engages in those behaviors and then fails to take responsibility.

Otherwise, you get into the fantasy that if only she would acknowledge the ADHD (and get treated) the marriage would be fine. That's a myth. ADHD runs in my family and like a lot of conditions, the person with the condition plays a key role in treatment. Adults with ADHD must DRIVE the treatment. You have to WANT to be treated. You have to fight to get treated. You have to commit to time documenting your behavior so you can give a provider detailed info. For example, in treating ADHD, it matters if you were late to an appointment 7 times last week vs 4 times this week). It can take a good year to find the best combination of helpful medications, for example. There's lot of trial and error involved. Lifestyle changes are required--more sleep, exercise, doing enjoyable activities. 

Most people with ADHD have another disorder--like depression or anxiety and those conditions don't get quickly cured with ADHD treatment. The best recommendations for treating ADHD that I've seen say that most people need therapy and meds. People with ADHD have a history of a lot of failures and a history of trying different approaches to fixing their problems. Medications don't undo that history of failure and struggle. Thus the need for therapy to engage intensely in the trial-and-error process of improving your life. 

So drop the fantasy: if you get her to a ADHD specialist and she's not intensely interested, treatment will be a bust. Note: you have to get to ADHD medical appointments on time, pick up medications on time and on and on.  

To get back to you: look, I hate to say this, but you probably are a person who put up with lots of her unhealthy behavior and failed to draw boundaries. The woman you are with now is the woman she is going to be until SHE figures out what's going on and takes the initiative to get help. 

 

[MsJayne]

So you work full-time and you've got two children to look after, one of them in an adult body. She's using her mental health as a way of avoiding grown-up responsibility and you're being taken for a big ride. Were you there when she was formally diagnosed with ADHD? Just asking because it's the latest mental health excuse used by all the frail little flowers who want to blame their messed up behaviour on something other than their own weak character. If she has it and it interferes with life this much why is she not in regular, frequent therapy? Why on Earth are you tolerating this garbage from her? You need to draw the hard line, either get off her backside, get into therapy and start contributing or divorce is the only answer. If that happened I'm sure you realise she couldn't be trusted to care for your child. At least shove the vacuum cleaner in her hand and tell her to get on with it. 

On 10/31/2025 at 1:23 AM, Anonymous said:

She had a dream recently that I left her because of her mental health

Bulls**t. She made that up because she knows you're nearing your breaking point and that's her way of manipulating you. You should have used the opportunity to read her the riot act. Sorry, but you need to grow a pair and word this woman up that she can't be a parasite all her life.