Dating and overthinking - slept together once

[unbeknown]

So if anyone’s read my previous posts I have a recurring theme in dating. Anxiety. I overthink everything and it’s becoming exhausting. 
 

I'm currently dating someone new and on the whole it’s going very well. Early 30’s, 10-11 dates in, I met her sister last week at a gig (she had tickets originally and I picked up a last minute one, told her there was no pressure to say hi there as she’s with her sister, and she said she wanted to so positive signs - if she wasn’t interested in me would she kiss me goodbye on the lips or hold my hand in front of her?), she recently bought a house so I got her a little gift and card which she loved. So I feel things are going well. We’ve both discussed the apps (how we met) and have both deleted them. 
 

we’ve been meeting twice a week now for a couple of weeks and we get along very well. Lots of laughing. Hand holding. Kissing/making out, we seem to be building a deeper connection with this each time we meet too. 
 

But my mind is currently overthinking the fact that we’ve only slept together once. Which was about 12 days ago. Im fine with this as I’m happy to keep building a foundation. But I overthink everything. I’m thinking rationally it’s because of logistics. She came over last night to cook with me. It ended up being fairly late so by the time we ate, she stayed for a short while after but then I walked her home as she goes to bed fairly early for work. 
 

Our weekends have been busy so we mostly meet midweek. The time we had sex was a Sunday so we had more free time. But my overthinking brain is going in to overdrive now that she’s wondering why we haven’t. 
 

I’ve asked if she wants to stay over next week to hopefully alleviate this but also don’t want to put extra pressure on myself. Or her. 
 

I guess I’m writing this as I’m currently spiralling. But also to ask would this put you off in early dating if you had sex and then didn’t for a while? 
 

Struggling to get a grip on my overthinking as I really like this girl and would like things to develop longterm. At 11 dates in you’d think I’d be more relaxed now along with the positive signs she’s showing towards me but of course my brain has different ideas. 

[ShyViolet]

Are you in therapy or treatment for your anxiety.  All this talk of you panicking and "spiraling" over things that are really not that big a deal shows that you have a problem that is going to keep sabotaging relationships if you don't get some actual professional help for it.

[unbeknown]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Are you in therapy or treatment for your anxiety.  All this talk of you panicking and "spiraling" over things that are really not that big a deal shows that you have a problem that is going to keep sabotaging relationships if you don't get some actual professional help for it.

Ive tried therapy with a couple of different people. Didn’t find much use in it. Was just a sounding board. Currently journal but thats about it. 

[ShyViolet]

6 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

Ive tried therapy with a couple of different people. Didn’t find much use in it. Was just a sounding board. Currently journal but thats about it. 

Well you have to keep trying.  Clearly what you're doing is not working, and just journaling is not going to cut it.  Sometimes you have to try a few therapists till you find a good one.

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Well you have to keep trying.  Clearly what you're doing is not working, and just journaling is not going to cut it.  Sometimes you have to try a few therapists till you find a good one.

I agree. One of the best things to help manage anxiety is a sounding board, especially someone you can ask for techniques to apply when you are alone and working yourself up. 

[smackie9]

You have received the wrong therapy. Seek out behavioural therapy...they will give you techniques to retrain your brain to cope, handle, dismiss obsessive thoughts of worry. 

[Alpacalia]

I’m curious—when you’re with her in the moment (laughing, cooking, kissing), do you feel relaxed and present, or does the overthinking creep in even then?

So you've been seeing her for about what, a month and a half?

Sounds like you have a nice pace going. Sure, there are some couples (myself included) when you first start dating someone you're all over each other and the frequency of sex is through the roof but different couples have different “early stage rhythms.” Some dive straight into the physical side and it’s constant, others build more gradually, and neither is inherently better.

The fact that you’re overthinking the gap between sexual encounters is more about your anxiety than about her behavior. If she were pulling away, you’d likely see other signs—less communication, fewer plans, less affection. Instead, you’re seeing the opposite.

[Sony12]

It's not like this lady is constantly making excuses to not get together with you. You two are consistently getting together. She wouldn't be doing that if she weren't really interested in you.

Everyone has different libido levels. Some want sex on a very regular basis while others are good with it just being an occasional thing. 

Another thing is some women don't want to be too forward regarding sex. They may be interested but they want you to make the moves and be in control of the situation. How good are your moves and are you pursuing sex during these makeout sessions?